Troubled Times
Part 5
By: Silverstar
Yes, I know I know I was evil for leaving you all with that cliffhanger...and I have to admit that I'm creeping myself out a little. Thanx to all who reviewed. This story is getting a little too creepy for my tastes, but I'm going to continue anyways. Sometimes you can't really control in which direction a story will take you...sometimes it just writes itself. ^^
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Charmed or any of the characters...^^'
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"Oh, God...Jim, please understand," I whispered as I made my way back onto my bed and sat down. Pulling up my sleeve, I looked at my arm and then back at the long needle. Yes...he'd understand. There was no way out of this hell hole...I might as well enjoy a few hours of my time here before the end. Taking a deep breath, I shakily opened a bottle and stuck the needle it, taking up all that was in it. Slowly, I placed the needle into my arm and started to push...
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*BAM* I fell backwards onto my bed as a large unknown force hit me from the front. As I went flying backwards my drugs and needle went flying out of my hands and onto the floor. Dizziness engulfed me for a moment from the sudden movement and I moaned as I closed my eyes and tried to come to my senses...what the heck had just happened?! In a few seconds I opened blurry eyes and saw a figure on top of me. Shaking my head, I tried to clear my vision, but then realized that it was just tears falling from my eyes. I slowly wiped them away and focused to see...Prue...my big sister was sitting on top of me, panting and furious. My hands shaking, I tried to back away and get up, but Prue wouldn't let me go.
"Phoebe! Where did you get this stuff!" she yelled, motioning to my treasure on the floor. I just starred at her in shock, tears coming to my eyes because now I knew I'd never escape... "Phoebe, answer me!" she yelled, shaking my shoulders with her hands. At this point I heard Piper running down the hallway, and I couldn't stop the tears.
"Prue...stop," I whispered, but maybe Prue had lost it. "Why, Phoebe? Why?! Do you want to die? Because I'm sure you were just about to overdose! What is wrong with you? Do you want to die?...Do you..." I starred at Prue as she began to cry and Piper pulled her off of me, wrapping her in her arms. I stared at my sisters and then at the needle and drugs on the floor. It was calling for me...I needed it! And hey, if I did overdose, at least I wouldn't be a bother to them anymore. They'd probably be glad if I was gone...yeah, they would. Glancing at my sisters, my muscles tensed, and then I lunged. Victory! Grabbing onto the needle, I quickly jammed it into my arm, but a second later I felt the cool steel being pulled away, and I was pushed backwards...*THUMP* I starred up through blurry eyes at Prue before everything went black.
The first thing I noticed was the pounding in my head...Oh, it hurt so much. I think...I was on a bed, because I could feel the soft pillows under me and the blankets surrounding me. Oh, but my head...I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes, so I just listened. I heard quiet breathing, and felt a hand in mine. Moaning a little, I slowly opened my eyes and was thankful that the lights were out and the curtains were closed. Looking over to my right, I saw Prue sitting in a chair next to the bed...it was her hand that I felt. I was in Piper's room, yet again. It made sense, since her room was closest to mine. Prue was looking at me quietly and intently, and I returned the stare. Then, everything came back to me...why I was here, what had happened. My eyes went wide, as I rushed to sit up, but Prue didn't have to push me back down. My head started to pound and I fell back on my own. The room seemed to be spinning...that couldn't be good.
"Phoebe, relax," Prue whispered. I took in a few deep breaths while closing my eyes, and in a few minutes I opened them again to a room that was no longer spinning.
"You..." I said softly, but angrily. I didn't have any strength. "You pushed me?! You..." I couldn't seem to get the thoughts out of my head, so I just gave up and looked down. Prue's wretched hand was still in mind, and I wanted to claw her away...but I couldn't. I hadn't eaten anything for weeks...My body was only being sustained through the drugs I had been taking, the beer I had been drinking, and the occasional piece of toast that Piper had forced on me. Looking up at Prue, I gave her a cruel glare and then reached up with my unoccupied hand to touch my head.
"When I pushed you away from the drugs you hit your head pretty hard...I'm sorry," Prue whispered, and I felt a large bump on the back of my head. Looking over at the clock, I saw that it was one thirty the next afternoon...Prue had stayed home from work. "How do you feel?" I stared up at my sister in shock and then looked away.
"I feel like hell. Where's Piper?"
"She had to go into work today since she didn't yesterday." Great...I was home alone with her.
"You can let go of me now," I spat, staring down at my hand. I watched as Prue slowly freed her fingers from mine and I immediately brought my arm over across my stomach.
"Phoebe...we need to talk," Prue said softly, and I continued to stare across the room. "Phoebe..." There was a long pause until I heard Prue get up. "Get some rest...we'll talk tonight when Piper gets home." I watched as Prue left, leaving the door open, and retreated into her own room. For the rest of the day I laid there dozing off and on. Prue came in once with lunch, but the only thing I put in my mouth was the Advil that she brought with it. Around five I was waking from a short doze to hear Piper talking to Prue across the hall. A few seconds later she came in and shook her head at the tray of uneaten food.
"Phoebe, you have to eat something," she insisted as she sat on the chair placed next to me. I just looked at her, and then down at my lap. "Phoebs...you really scared me...you scared me to death. If Prue hadn't been passing by to go get some water...you probably wouldn't be here right now. Why Phoebe? Do...do you want to join Grams and Mom? Do you?" Surprised, I looked up at my sister and saw her struggling to hold back tears.
"Piper...I...You...you don't understand." I frowned as Piper took my hand in both of hers and squeezed it gently.
"Tell me Phoebe...tell me." I noticed that Prue had entered the room, but I didn't have the energy to do anything about it. I glanced over at her, a frown still on my face. I must look pathetic to her...all skin and bones...I didn't have anything anymore...
"I need it Piper...I need it to live. You don't understand...Please, give it back. I need it." I felt the tears coming, and let them fall as I pleaded with my sister. Maybe she'd understand...maybe she'd give it back.
"No, Phoebe, you don't need it," Piper returned, and I shook my head in anguish.
"Yes I do!" I said as loudly as I could, which wasn't very loud. "Please..." At this point I let myself break down and started to sob. Piper took me in her arms and gently pulled my hair out of my face, soothing me as best she could. Still, nothing would ever be the same. The only way I could see to get out was to overdose and...die...but now they wouldn't even let me do that. They wouldn't let me stop the pain...the hurt...the agony. I still remember when I was quite small...I use to feel so safe in Piper's arms...I use to feel so loved in Prue's...But things change with time. I wasn't that little girl, alone and scared, anymore...I was an adult, capable of making my own decisions. Why did they insist on treating me as a child? Still, I found myself sobbing on Piper's shoulders. I didn't have the strength to push her away, and even if I did, I don't think I would have used it.
"Phoebe...It doesn't have to be this way," Prue whispered, sitting on my other side and stroking my hair as I cried. "We can help you get your life back. I know you're tired, fragile, and depressed...But all of that can change. Can't you see that these chemicals have consumed you? When you came back I didn't expect you to be the same person...but I expected you to at least be recognizable. You look so thin and so defeated. In time, you could overcome this. I know you could." I looked up at my big sister through blurry tears and around Piper's arms...but I just shook my head.
"I don't want to overcome this Prue," I cried, shaking off Piper's arms. She lessened her grip on me and lowered them slightly, allowing me to sit up, but she didn't let go all together. "When I found Jim I found family...I found the love of my life...I found purpose. My purpose is to be with him. He's given me friendship, love, trust, family...so much. The first night he gave me that needle I was scared...I admit it. But now I accept and embrace the fact that he chose me...he loved me so much that he wanted to share his treasure with me. I love his gift with all my heart, and I couldn't give it up. Giving it up would mean that I've discarded him...and I can't do that. He took me in when I needed guidance, and I've followed him. I'll follow him to my death...and if I can't be with him, then I'd rather die by the means of his gift to me." I stared at Prue through my tears and watched the shocked expression on her face. I knew it...she wouldn't understand. Drying my eyes, I was about to get up when Piper wrapped her arms tighter around me from behind and pulled me close.
"Phoebe...we've all been to that place when we feel alone and need guidance," Piper whispered in my ear. "Unfortunately, instead of turning to us, you turned away from us. Turn to us now. Please...you're my little sister. It breaks my heart to hear you talk like that. Listen to me!" Piper grabbed my chin and twisted it so my eyes met hers. "Think back to the days when we were happy...I know you use to love and trust in us wholeheartedly...Dig deep inside of yourself. I know those feelings are buried in there, but you're just too afraid to unleash them. Instead, you turn to Jim." I looked into Piper's eyes, and I saw the love and determination that they held.
"You know, I'm not a child anymore," I told her, trying to shrug off her arms. "A kiss and a hug isn't going to solve my problems or make everything okay."
"We know that," Prue said, pulling me out of Piper's grasp and into her own. "But it's the first step." Sighing in frustration and defeat, I laid my head on Prue's shoulders and shut my eyes.
"I don't think I have the strength Prue...I'm not strong enough to give it all up. I depend on it so much...I depend on him." I felt Prue rub my back gently as I took in a few deep breaths and fell asleep in her arms.
The events of the other night had exhausted me, and the bump on the back of my head was painful enough that I wanted to sleep, so I slept the rest of the day and the night away. It was only at seven the next morning that I opened my eyes to murmurings outside Piper's room. The door was open, so I could clearly see Piper and Prue out there whispering. Shaking my head, I gathered my strength to lift myself up into a sitting position. Oh God...I felt sick.
"Prue..." I called out as loudly as I could, covering my mouth with my hand. At the tiny sound of my voice Prue came running, and seemed to see what the problem was. Placing her two arms underneath me, she easily picked up my small bony body, and rushed me to the bathroom. Once there, she gently set me on the floor and held back my hair as I puked up all the water or liquid I had drank in the past 48 hours. Luckily, that wasn't very much, but instead I sat there gagging over the toilet, not being able to catch my breath as my stomach heaved and convulsed.
"Withdraw," I heard Prue whisper to Piper, who had followed behind her, and I moaned as I held my stomach and tried to breathe.
"We need to take her to the hospital Prue...she needs medical attention." My eyes widened at the thought, but because of the excessive gagging, I couldn't speak. After ten minutes that seemed like eternity, my stomach quieted down, and Prue and Piper carried me...into my room. What a surprise. They had cleaned it up, taking down any reminders from my life in New York. I was thankful for my own bed, but my head hurt so badly, that I couldn't speak. I was sure that just the sound of my voice would tear my head apart. I watched as my sisters stared at each other, and the Prue nodded.
"You're right," she whispered, probably realizing that I had a headache from the fact that I was rubbing my temples with both of my index and middle fingers. "Even if we could get her to eat, she'd just throw it back up again. We'll have to put her into the hospital until the withdraw settles down and she gains some weight." I looked at my sisters with fear and silently wished that James were here. I needed him.
"I'll go call the hospital," Piper said, grabbing Prue's hand with hers and giving it a squeeze. "Can you get Phoebe up and out to the car?" I watched as Prue nodded and then Piper went out the door. I stared up at Prue, fear in my eyes, and she looked back at me, a fake smile on her face.
"It's going to be alright," Prue whispered, coming over to put some socks and shoes on my feet. I could tell that Prue didn't like hospitals very much...She probably didn't trust them after Grams and Mom and everything. I let Prue ease me to my feet, but as soon as I was up a wave of dizziness surrounded me. Falling to my knees, I closed my eyes and expected to hit the floor...but Prue was holding me up. I leaned most of my weight on her and allowed her to slowly lead me downstairs and to the car. Once there, she put me in the back seat and pulled out a bag from under the front passenger seat...incase I felt sick again. "Sit tight Phoebs, I'll be right back," she whispered and shut the door behind her as she walked back into the house. Uh...I felt like I was going to die, right there and then. If I was going to die, I'd like to at least have a feel-good death...my drugs...I wanted them...I craved for them. In a few seconds my sisters came out of the house with their jackets and Prue climbed into the driver's seat...she was the fastest driver. Piper climbed in the left backseat door besides me, and took me in her arms. I leaned my head on her shoulder and just took in deep breaths.
"Hold on Phoebs, we're going to get you help," Piper reassured me as Prue backed up out of the driveway and sped to the hospital. The movement of the vehicle was disorienting for me, and I felt myself getting dizzy every time the car turned. At these moments I clung to Piper's arm, closed my eyes, and started to breathe in deeply. The ride seemed long, but short too. It was only about a ten-minute drive...well, that was with Prue driving. Once there I was surprised that medics and a hospital cart were waiting for me. They pulled me right out of Piper's grasp, placed me on the cart, and before I knew it I was being wheeled into a hospital room, my sisters no where in sight. With the excitement, movement, and noise, my head started to pound excessively, and I sighed in relief as I felt myself start to black out.
Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Oh, that sound...It made my head pound. Beep...Beep...Beep...Why wouldn't it stop?
"Turn it off," I whispered, my head aching and my mind groggy.
"We can't turn that off Ms. Halliwell," I very distant voice said. "It tells us if your heart is beating regularly." Confused and tired, I very slowly opened my eyes to see a fuzzy room. After blinking a few times I found myself looking up at a doctor. "Hello Phoebe, my name's Doctor Samantha Scott, but if you want you can call me Sami." I stared up at a woman of medium height, with short brown hair and brown eyes. She was smiling down at me and had a clipboard in her hand. Okay...where the heck was I? Looking around, I saw that I was in a hospital room. The bed to the left of me had no one in it, the lights were on and bright, and the shades on the window were pulled up, giving me a full view of the backyard of the hospital. Looking down, I saw all kinds of tubes and IVs going into my arms and I noticed that for the first time in a long time, I was wearing short sleeves. It bothered me..."You're in the Rehab Wing of San Francisco Hospital," Doctor Scott told me, and I brought my attention back to her.
"What time is it, where are my sisters?" I asked weakly, hoping for some answers. A lost and depressed feeling washed over me, and I wanted to calm my nerves. My doctor just smiled and started to write down info on her clipboard.
"It is 10:30 AM, the day after you were brought here. You may feel a little groggy. We gave you medicine so you would sleep and gather your strength. You're going to need it. As for your sisters, I scooted them out of here just ten minutes ago so they'd go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat." I looked over to the door leading outside of my room, but Prue and Piper weren't there...would they be back soon? I didn't like this place...The smiley Sami lady was too nice...I didn't trust her "Don't worry, they'll be back soon. Anyway, while you're here I'll be the one looking after you and helping you regain your health, and your life." I stared up coldly at the way-too-happy lady and thought that she should thank God that I was too weak to strangle her.
"Leave me alone, I don't need help," I spat, and then looked back down at my lap. "Everything would be fine if -"
"If you had a needle in your arm?" she asked, and I just glared at the end of my bed. "Phoebe, the first step you must take is what I like to call The Leap of Faith. Life can be very enjoyable and rewarding without drugs. The next few days are going to be hard on you, but once you get through them we can start your recovery. Until then, you are to eat three meals a day and are to have no visitors besides immediate family. Once the side effects of withdraw are over we'll put you on a more nutritiously well- rounded diet, and you'll be involved in therapy, as well as group therapy." I silently waited until the happy lady was done talking and finished writing things down on her clipboard. "Get some rest," she instructed before she gave me one last smile and left the room. The Leap of Faith...hmmnn...No, I don't think so. I had to get out of here! Only a few seconds later I heard Piper and Prue's voices in the hallway, and knew they were approaching. When Prue and Piper entered, I slowly looked over at them, and they both stopped in their tracks. After staring at me in shock for a moment, huge relieved smiles appeared on both of their faces and they come rushing over to me.
"Phoebe, we were so worried!" Piper exclaimed, and I grimaced at her voice.
"Not so loud...please, not so loud," I whispered, and both of my sisters became quiet for a moment.
"Phoebs...we're just glad you're awake," Prue said quietly, and placed her hand on the side of my head. "Oh, we should get the doctor -"
"No, she was here when I woke up," I said bitterly, and Piper and Prue exchanged glances.
"What's wrong...you didn't like her?" Piper asked, and I shook my head slightly.
"Way too happy," I said gruffly, and my sisters smiled. "Besides...I...I..." I stopped short and looked down at my lap, tears coming to my eyes.
"It's okay Phoebe, we'll be here for you the whole time," Piper said softly and I nodded. After a few more minutes I settled back and my sisters let me close my eyes and stayed quiet. It wasn't that I was tired...I had gotten enough sleep in the past week to last me a year. It was just that I didn't feel so well...I just wanted to rest. It was about two hours later that I heard a cart enter my room, and opened my eyes to see a nurse with a tray of food. All of the food was light, like toast and crackers, and soup, but it was food nonetheless. Prue and Piper watched me with amusement as I moaned and turned my nose away from the nauseating smell. Still, I couldn't fight it when the nurse helped me sit up in bed and placed the tray down in front of me.
"Let's see...Phoebe," the nurse said as she looked on her clipboard. "Hi, my name's Jamie, and I'm the nurse for this section. Welcome." I gave her a look and she laughed. "Yes, I know most people aren't that happy to be here, but try to bear with us. I know it'll be hard, but you're going to have to eat as much as you can." Then, Jamie turned to Prue and Piper. "Ms. Halliwell and...well, Ms. Halliwell. Can I talk to you both outside?" I watched as my sisters left with her and I stared down at the food. There was no way. In about five minutes Prue and Piper returned and each sat on either side of me.
"What did she say?" I asked, trying to stall eating the food in front of me.
"She said that you're not going to eat on your own, so we have to force you," Prue said, and I glared at her. "She also said you'd probably lash back with mean looks and comments." I sighed and looked to Piper, pleading her with my eyes.
"Also, she said because of withdraw that you might get sick after you eat, but that's normal for the first few days. There's a handy bucket right here," Piper said, pulling a bucket from under my bed and putting it next to me. "Oh, and we're suppose to push this button and call a nurse if you get sick," she added, showing me a little nurse button on the side of my bed. Great...just great.
"Okay Phoebs...eat," Prue instructed and I looked at the food. "Please...for us?" Looking down, I saw that my hands were shaking...both from the withdraw and from the fact that I felt too sick to eat anything. I saw Piper's eyes follow my own to my hands, and she gently reached out and put hers over mine. I looked up into her eyes and she smiled.
"It's just food...and...well, I'm sure it's not half as good as mine, but...you can handle it. You're tough." I smiled at my sister and then looked over at Prue. She had picked up a piece of warm toast . Picking up my hand, she placed the toast in it and then moved it close to my mouth. My stomach was screaming, my hands were shaking, and my head was pounding...Very slowly, I brought the toast to my mouth and forced myself to eat it. After about ten minutes I had eaten it, and Prue had put the second piece in my hand. My stomach still felt woozy, but Piper insisted that I eat more, so I tried the soup and ate a quarter of it before I couldn't eat any more. No matter how much my sisters asked, pleaded, or insisted, I couldn't eat another bite. I felt like I was going to be sick, and the feeling wouldn't go away. Around one thirty Jamie came back in and looked at the plate.
"Pretty good for a first meal," she said, and smiled at me. "You're lucky you have family...a lot of people don't have anyone to get them through the first time." I just looked at her as she took the food away and then at my sisters. They were sitting at a table in the corner pretending to be reading, but I knew they weren't. They were just trying to do something so I wouldn't think that they were just staring at me the whole time. Tired, I used the hand buttons to lower my bed, and closed my eyes. In a few minutes, I was asleep.
"...be...Phoebe..." I opened my eyes and looked up to see Prue standing above me. "Jamie came with food," she said, putting the tray down and helping me sit up. I groaned with protest as Prue helped me up and picked up the tray to put on my lap. A moment later Piper came in with two cokes, and handed one to Prue.
"Hungry?" she asked me hopefully. I just stared at her and then at the food, my stomach turning in protest. Just the sight made me want to...
"Prue..." I whispered, holding my stomach and leaning over. Seeing my predicament, Piper quickly took the tray of food away and Prue set the bucket in front of me. Immediately, my lunch came back out as I gagged and held my stomach in pain. In a few minutes Jamie came in...Piper must've called her. She shooed my sisters out of the way to give me air, and in a few minutes my stomach quieted down.
"Phoebe, you alright?" she asked, handing me a towel to wipe my face and putting her hand on my forehead. I moaned in response, and slipped father down under the covers. She smiled at my reaction, which I didn't find very funny. "Here, after you're done eating I want you to take these pills," she said, setting two pills down on my food tray and placing it back over my lap.
"You still want me to eat that," I said in shock, looking up at Jamie with a disgusted expression. "I feel like I'm going to puke my organs out." She just smiled and nodded.
"Eat what you can. You need your strength. In case you haven't noticed, your weight has fallen under 100." I watched as she turned to leave, bucket in hand, and a few minutes later another nurse came back with a clean one. After placing it at my side she left quickly, and I was alone with my sisters. That was it, I refused. I wouldn't do it. My habits from the past months took over, and I pushed the food away.
"Phoebe," Prue said in a big sister warning voice, but I ignored her and started to look out the window. But...my sisters didn't come over to me this time. Maybe they felt bad since they had just seen me puking my guts out...but they made no more comments about eating. A nurse came in later to gather my tray, but before she did so I took the pills and popped them in my mouth. After lowering my bed back down I closed my eyes and easily drifted off to sleep.
Taking in a deep breath, I opened my eyes to a dimly lit room, only illuminated by the lights on the machinery surrounding me and a small lamp on the table in the corner. I glanced over to see Prue sitting in a chair asleep. Besides her, there was no one else in sight. Looking over at the clock, I saw that it was four in the morning...Why had I woken up...Uhg. Looking down, I saw my hands shaking uncontrollably...wait...it was my whole body. Everything was shaking and I couldn't stop it. Suddenly, a large and unquenchable craving started in the pit of my stomach, and my arms ached, wanting a needle.
"Oh, God...Oh, God..." I whispered, rocking back and forth with my arms crossed in front of me. The craving...it was so strong...Oh, I couldn't handle it. I had to get out...I had to get to Jim...But, alas, I couldn't move. All of my strength and energy were gone. Bringing my shaking hands up to my face, I covered my eyes and started to cry. How...how could I get through this...???...I just couldn't stand it...I'd never survive. Feeling something move beside me, I looked up to see Prue next to me, her arms around my shoulders. I stopped whispering "Oh, God," when I saw her and stared at her helplessly.
"It'll be okay Phoebs, I promise," Prue whispered, and she wrapped her arms around me in a hug.
"How Prue? How?" I whispered back, and moaned in pain, continuing to rock back and forth crying on my big sister's shoulder. After about an hour...oh, an hour that seemed like eternity...the shaking receded somewhat and Prue tucked me back under the covers. "Prue...where's Piper?" I asked, and Prue smiled.
"I convinced her to go home. She was beat." I nodded at Prue's answer, but didn't mention that if Piper was beat, then what was Prue? After a few minutes I slowly fell into a restless and dream-filled sleep...a world where there was Jim, and my sisters...which side would I choose?
TO BE CONTINUED...
Yes, I know I know I was evil for leaving you all with that cliffhanger...and I have to admit that I'm creeping myself out a little. Thanx to all who reviewed. This story is getting a little too creepy for my tastes, but I'm going to continue anyways. Sometimes you can't really control in which direction a story will take you...sometimes it just writes itself. ^^
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Charmed or any of the characters...^^'
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"Oh, God...Jim, please understand," I whispered as I made my way back onto my bed and sat down. Pulling up my sleeve, I looked at my arm and then back at the long needle. Yes...he'd understand. There was no way out of this hell hole...I might as well enjoy a few hours of my time here before the end. Taking a deep breath, I shakily opened a bottle and stuck the needle it, taking up all that was in it. Slowly, I placed the needle into my arm and started to push...
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*BAM* I fell backwards onto my bed as a large unknown force hit me from the front. As I went flying backwards my drugs and needle went flying out of my hands and onto the floor. Dizziness engulfed me for a moment from the sudden movement and I moaned as I closed my eyes and tried to come to my senses...what the heck had just happened?! In a few seconds I opened blurry eyes and saw a figure on top of me. Shaking my head, I tried to clear my vision, but then realized that it was just tears falling from my eyes. I slowly wiped them away and focused to see...Prue...my big sister was sitting on top of me, panting and furious. My hands shaking, I tried to back away and get up, but Prue wouldn't let me go.
"Phoebe! Where did you get this stuff!" she yelled, motioning to my treasure on the floor. I just starred at her in shock, tears coming to my eyes because now I knew I'd never escape... "Phoebe, answer me!" she yelled, shaking my shoulders with her hands. At this point I heard Piper running down the hallway, and I couldn't stop the tears.
"Prue...stop," I whispered, but maybe Prue had lost it. "Why, Phoebe? Why?! Do you want to die? Because I'm sure you were just about to overdose! What is wrong with you? Do you want to die?...Do you..." I starred at Prue as she began to cry and Piper pulled her off of me, wrapping her in her arms. I stared at my sisters and then at the needle and drugs on the floor. It was calling for me...I needed it! And hey, if I did overdose, at least I wouldn't be a bother to them anymore. They'd probably be glad if I was gone...yeah, they would. Glancing at my sisters, my muscles tensed, and then I lunged. Victory! Grabbing onto the needle, I quickly jammed it into my arm, but a second later I felt the cool steel being pulled away, and I was pushed backwards...*THUMP* I starred up through blurry eyes at Prue before everything went black.
The first thing I noticed was the pounding in my head...Oh, it hurt so much. I think...I was on a bed, because I could feel the soft pillows under me and the blankets surrounding me. Oh, but my head...I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes, so I just listened. I heard quiet breathing, and felt a hand in mine. Moaning a little, I slowly opened my eyes and was thankful that the lights were out and the curtains were closed. Looking over to my right, I saw Prue sitting in a chair next to the bed...it was her hand that I felt. I was in Piper's room, yet again. It made sense, since her room was closest to mine. Prue was looking at me quietly and intently, and I returned the stare. Then, everything came back to me...why I was here, what had happened. My eyes went wide, as I rushed to sit up, but Prue didn't have to push me back down. My head started to pound and I fell back on my own. The room seemed to be spinning...that couldn't be good.
"Phoebe, relax," Prue whispered. I took in a few deep breaths while closing my eyes, and in a few minutes I opened them again to a room that was no longer spinning.
"You..." I said softly, but angrily. I didn't have any strength. "You pushed me?! You..." I couldn't seem to get the thoughts out of my head, so I just gave up and looked down. Prue's wretched hand was still in mind, and I wanted to claw her away...but I couldn't. I hadn't eaten anything for weeks...My body was only being sustained through the drugs I had been taking, the beer I had been drinking, and the occasional piece of toast that Piper had forced on me. Looking up at Prue, I gave her a cruel glare and then reached up with my unoccupied hand to touch my head.
"When I pushed you away from the drugs you hit your head pretty hard...I'm sorry," Prue whispered, and I felt a large bump on the back of my head. Looking over at the clock, I saw that it was one thirty the next afternoon...Prue had stayed home from work. "How do you feel?" I stared up at my sister in shock and then looked away.
"I feel like hell. Where's Piper?"
"She had to go into work today since she didn't yesterday." Great...I was home alone with her.
"You can let go of me now," I spat, staring down at my hand. I watched as Prue slowly freed her fingers from mine and I immediately brought my arm over across my stomach.
"Phoebe...we need to talk," Prue said softly, and I continued to stare across the room. "Phoebe..." There was a long pause until I heard Prue get up. "Get some rest...we'll talk tonight when Piper gets home." I watched as Prue left, leaving the door open, and retreated into her own room. For the rest of the day I laid there dozing off and on. Prue came in once with lunch, but the only thing I put in my mouth was the Advil that she brought with it. Around five I was waking from a short doze to hear Piper talking to Prue across the hall. A few seconds later she came in and shook her head at the tray of uneaten food.
"Phoebe, you have to eat something," she insisted as she sat on the chair placed next to me. I just looked at her, and then down at my lap. "Phoebs...you really scared me...you scared me to death. If Prue hadn't been passing by to go get some water...you probably wouldn't be here right now. Why Phoebe? Do...do you want to join Grams and Mom? Do you?" Surprised, I looked up at my sister and saw her struggling to hold back tears.
"Piper...I...You...you don't understand." I frowned as Piper took my hand in both of hers and squeezed it gently.
"Tell me Phoebe...tell me." I noticed that Prue had entered the room, but I didn't have the energy to do anything about it. I glanced over at her, a frown still on my face. I must look pathetic to her...all skin and bones...I didn't have anything anymore...
"I need it Piper...I need it to live. You don't understand...Please, give it back. I need it." I felt the tears coming, and let them fall as I pleaded with my sister. Maybe she'd understand...maybe she'd give it back.
"No, Phoebe, you don't need it," Piper returned, and I shook my head in anguish.
"Yes I do!" I said as loudly as I could, which wasn't very loud. "Please..." At this point I let myself break down and started to sob. Piper took me in her arms and gently pulled my hair out of my face, soothing me as best she could. Still, nothing would ever be the same. The only way I could see to get out was to overdose and...die...but now they wouldn't even let me do that. They wouldn't let me stop the pain...the hurt...the agony. I still remember when I was quite small...I use to feel so safe in Piper's arms...I use to feel so loved in Prue's...But things change with time. I wasn't that little girl, alone and scared, anymore...I was an adult, capable of making my own decisions. Why did they insist on treating me as a child? Still, I found myself sobbing on Piper's shoulders. I didn't have the strength to push her away, and even if I did, I don't think I would have used it.
"Phoebe...It doesn't have to be this way," Prue whispered, sitting on my other side and stroking my hair as I cried. "We can help you get your life back. I know you're tired, fragile, and depressed...But all of that can change. Can't you see that these chemicals have consumed you? When you came back I didn't expect you to be the same person...but I expected you to at least be recognizable. You look so thin and so defeated. In time, you could overcome this. I know you could." I looked up at my big sister through blurry tears and around Piper's arms...but I just shook my head.
"I don't want to overcome this Prue," I cried, shaking off Piper's arms. She lessened her grip on me and lowered them slightly, allowing me to sit up, but she didn't let go all together. "When I found Jim I found family...I found the love of my life...I found purpose. My purpose is to be with him. He's given me friendship, love, trust, family...so much. The first night he gave me that needle I was scared...I admit it. But now I accept and embrace the fact that he chose me...he loved me so much that he wanted to share his treasure with me. I love his gift with all my heart, and I couldn't give it up. Giving it up would mean that I've discarded him...and I can't do that. He took me in when I needed guidance, and I've followed him. I'll follow him to my death...and if I can't be with him, then I'd rather die by the means of his gift to me." I stared at Prue through my tears and watched the shocked expression on her face. I knew it...she wouldn't understand. Drying my eyes, I was about to get up when Piper wrapped her arms tighter around me from behind and pulled me close.
"Phoebe...we've all been to that place when we feel alone and need guidance," Piper whispered in my ear. "Unfortunately, instead of turning to us, you turned away from us. Turn to us now. Please...you're my little sister. It breaks my heart to hear you talk like that. Listen to me!" Piper grabbed my chin and twisted it so my eyes met hers. "Think back to the days when we were happy...I know you use to love and trust in us wholeheartedly...Dig deep inside of yourself. I know those feelings are buried in there, but you're just too afraid to unleash them. Instead, you turn to Jim." I looked into Piper's eyes, and I saw the love and determination that they held.
"You know, I'm not a child anymore," I told her, trying to shrug off her arms. "A kiss and a hug isn't going to solve my problems or make everything okay."
"We know that," Prue said, pulling me out of Piper's grasp and into her own. "But it's the first step." Sighing in frustration and defeat, I laid my head on Prue's shoulders and shut my eyes.
"I don't think I have the strength Prue...I'm not strong enough to give it all up. I depend on it so much...I depend on him." I felt Prue rub my back gently as I took in a few deep breaths and fell asleep in her arms.
The events of the other night had exhausted me, and the bump on the back of my head was painful enough that I wanted to sleep, so I slept the rest of the day and the night away. It was only at seven the next morning that I opened my eyes to murmurings outside Piper's room. The door was open, so I could clearly see Piper and Prue out there whispering. Shaking my head, I gathered my strength to lift myself up into a sitting position. Oh God...I felt sick.
"Prue..." I called out as loudly as I could, covering my mouth with my hand. At the tiny sound of my voice Prue came running, and seemed to see what the problem was. Placing her two arms underneath me, she easily picked up my small bony body, and rushed me to the bathroom. Once there, she gently set me on the floor and held back my hair as I puked up all the water or liquid I had drank in the past 48 hours. Luckily, that wasn't very much, but instead I sat there gagging over the toilet, not being able to catch my breath as my stomach heaved and convulsed.
"Withdraw," I heard Prue whisper to Piper, who had followed behind her, and I moaned as I held my stomach and tried to breathe.
"We need to take her to the hospital Prue...she needs medical attention." My eyes widened at the thought, but because of the excessive gagging, I couldn't speak. After ten minutes that seemed like eternity, my stomach quieted down, and Prue and Piper carried me...into my room. What a surprise. They had cleaned it up, taking down any reminders from my life in New York. I was thankful for my own bed, but my head hurt so badly, that I couldn't speak. I was sure that just the sound of my voice would tear my head apart. I watched as my sisters stared at each other, and the Prue nodded.
"You're right," she whispered, probably realizing that I had a headache from the fact that I was rubbing my temples with both of my index and middle fingers. "Even if we could get her to eat, she'd just throw it back up again. We'll have to put her into the hospital until the withdraw settles down and she gains some weight." I looked at my sisters with fear and silently wished that James were here. I needed him.
"I'll go call the hospital," Piper said, grabbing Prue's hand with hers and giving it a squeeze. "Can you get Phoebe up and out to the car?" I watched as Prue nodded and then Piper went out the door. I stared up at Prue, fear in my eyes, and she looked back at me, a fake smile on her face.
"It's going to be alright," Prue whispered, coming over to put some socks and shoes on my feet. I could tell that Prue didn't like hospitals very much...She probably didn't trust them after Grams and Mom and everything. I let Prue ease me to my feet, but as soon as I was up a wave of dizziness surrounded me. Falling to my knees, I closed my eyes and expected to hit the floor...but Prue was holding me up. I leaned most of my weight on her and allowed her to slowly lead me downstairs and to the car. Once there, she put me in the back seat and pulled out a bag from under the front passenger seat...incase I felt sick again. "Sit tight Phoebs, I'll be right back," she whispered and shut the door behind her as she walked back into the house. Uh...I felt like I was going to die, right there and then. If I was going to die, I'd like to at least have a feel-good death...my drugs...I wanted them...I craved for them. In a few seconds my sisters came out of the house with their jackets and Prue climbed into the driver's seat...she was the fastest driver. Piper climbed in the left backseat door besides me, and took me in her arms. I leaned my head on her shoulder and just took in deep breaths.
"Hold on Phoebs, we're going to get you help," Piper reassured me as Prue backed up out of the driveway and sped to the hospital. The movement of the vehicle was disorienting for me, and I felt myself getting dizzy every time the car turned. At these moments I clung to Piper's arm, closed my eyes, and started to breathe in deeply. The ride seemed long, but short too. It was only about a ten-minute drive...well, that was with Prue driving. Once there I was surprised that medics and a hospital cart were waiting for me. They pulled me right out of Piper's grasp, placed me on the cart, and before I knew it I was being wheeled into a hospital room, my sisters no where in sight. With the excitement, movement, and noise, my head started to pound excessively, and I sighed in relief as I felt myself start to black out.
Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Beep...Oh, that sound...It made my head pound. Beep...Beep...Beep...Why wouldn't it stop?
"Turn it off," I whispered, my head aching and my mind groggy.
"We can't turn that off Ms. Halliwell," I very distant voice said. "It tells us if your heart is beating regularly." Confused and tired, I very slowly opened my eyes to see a fuzzy room. After blinking a few times I found myself looking up at a doctor. "Hello Phoebe, my name's Doctor Samantha Scott, but if you want you can call me Sami." I stared up at a woman of medium height, with short brown hair and brown eyes. She was smiling down at me and had a clipboard in her hand. Okay...where the heck was I? Looking around, I saw that I was in a hospital room. The bed to the left of me had no one in it, the lights were on and bright, and the shades on the window were pulled up, giving me a full view of the backyard of the hospital. Looking down, I saw all kinds of tubes and IVs going into my arms and I noticed that for the first time in a long time, I was wearing short sleeves. It bothered me..."You're in the Rehab Wing of San Francisco Hospital," Doctor Scott told me, and I brought my attention back to her.
"What time is it, where are my sisters?" I asked weakly, hoping for some answers. A lost and depressed feeling washed over me, and I wanted to calm my nerves. My doctor just smiled and started to write down info on her clipboard.
"It is 10:30 AM, the day after you were brought here. You may feel a little groggy. We gave you medicine so you would sleep and gather your strength. You're going to need it. As for your sisters, I scooted them out of here just ten minutes ago so they'd go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat." I looked over to the door leading outside of my room, but Prue and Piper weren't there...would they be back soon? I didn't like this place...The smiley Sami lady was too nice...I didn't trust her "Don't worry, they'll be back soon. Anyway, while you're here I'll be the one looking after you and helping you regain your health, and your life." I stared up coldly at the way-too-happy lady and thought that she should thank God that I was too weak to strangle her.
"Leave me alone, I don't need help," I spat, and then looked back down at my lap. "Everything would be fine if -"
"If you had a needle in your arm?" she asked, and I just glared at the end of my bed. "Phoebe, the first step you must take is what I like to call The Leap of Faith. Life can be very enjoyable and rewarding without drugs. The next few days are going to be hard on you, but once you get through them we can start your recovery. Until then, you are to eat three meals a day and are to have no visitors besides immediate family. Once the side effects of withdraw are over we'll put you on a more nutritiously well- rounded diet, and you'll be involved in therapy, as well as group therapy." I silently waited until the happy lady was done talking and finished writing things down on her clipboard. "Get some rest," she instructed before she gave me one last smile and left the room. The Leap of Faith...hmmnn...No, I don't think so. I had to get out of here! Only a few seconds later I heard Piper and Prue's voices in the hallway, and knew they were approaching. When Prue and Piper entered, I slowly looked over at them, and they both stopped in their tracks. After staring at me in shock for a moment, huge relieved smiles appeared on both of their faces and they come rushing over to me.
"Phoebe, we were so worried!" Piper exclaimed, and I grimaced at her voice.
"Not so loud...please, not so loud," I whispered, and both of my sisters became quiet for a moment.
"Phoebs...we're just glad you're awake," Prue said quietly, and placed her hand on the side of my head. "Oh, we should get the doctor -"
"No, she was here when I woke up," I said bitterly, and Piper and Prue exchanged glances.
"What's wrong...you didn't like her?" Piper asked, and I shook my head slightly.
"Way too happy," I said gruffly, and my sisters smiled. "Besides...I...I..." I stopped short and looked down at my lap, tears coming to my eyes.
"It's okay Phoebe, we'll be here for you the whole time," Piper said softly and I nodded. After a few more minutes I settled back and my sisters let me close my eyes and stayed quiet. It wasn't that I was tired...I had gotten enough sleep in the past week to last me a year. It was just that I didn't feel so well...I just wanted to rest. It was about two hours later that I heard a cart enter my room, and opened my eyes to see a nurse with a tray of food. All of the food was light, like toast and crackers, and soup, but it was food nonetheless. Prue and Piper watched me with amusement as I moaned and turned my nose away from the nauseating smell. Still, I couldn't fight it when the nurse helped me sit up in bed and placed the tray down in front of me.
"Let's see...Phoebe," the nurse said as she looked on her clipboard. "Hi, my name's Jamie, and I'm the nurse for this section. Welcome." I gave her a look and she laughed. "Yes, I know most people aren't that happy to be here, but try to bear with us. I know it'll be hard, but you're going to have to eat as much as you can." Then, Jamie turned to Prue and Piper. "Ms. Halliwell and...well, Ms. Halliwell. Can I talk to you both outside?" I watched as my sisters left with her and I stared down at the food. There was no way. In about five minutes Prue and Piper returned and each sat on either side of me.
"What did she say?" I asked, trying to stall eating the food in front of me.
"She said that you're not going to eat on your own, so we have to force you," Prue said, and I glared at her. "She also said you'd probably lash back with mean looks and comments." I sighed and looked to Piper, pleading her with my eyes.
"Also, she said because of withdraw that you might get sick after you eat, but that's normal for the first few days. There's a handy bucket right here," Piper said, pulling a bucket from under my bed and putting it next to me. "Oh, and we're suppose to push this button and call a nurse if you get sick," she added, showing me a little nurse button on the side of my bed. Great...just great.
"Okay Phoebs...eat," Prue instructed and I looked at the food. "Please...for us?" Looking down, I saw that my hands were shaking...both from the withdraw and from the fact that I felt too sick to eat anything. I saw Piper's eyes follow my own to my hands, and she gently reached out and put hers over mine. I looked up into her eyes and she smiled.
"It's just food...and...well, I'm sure it's not half as good as mine, but...you can handle it. You're tough." I smiled at my sister and then looked over at Prue. She had picked up a piece of warm toast . Picking up my hand, she placed the toast in it and then moved it close to my mouth. My stomach was screaming, my hands were shaking, and my head was pounding...Very slowly, I brought the toast to my mouth and forced myself to eat it. After about ten minutes I had eaten it, and Prue had put the second piece in my hand. My stomach still felt woozy, but Piper insisted that I eat more, so I tried the soup and ate a quarter of it before I couldn't eat any more. No matter how much my sisters asked, pleaded, or insisted, I couldn't eat another bite. I felt like I was going to be sick, and the feeling wouldn't go away. Around one thirty Jamie came back in and looked at the plate.
"Pretty good for a first meal," she said, and smiled at me. "You're lucky you have family...a lot of people don't have anyone to get them through the first time." I just looked at her as she took the food away and then at my sisters. They were sitting at a table in the corner pretending to be reading, but I knew they weren't. They were just trying to do something so I wouldn't think that they were just staring at me the whole time. Tired, I used the hand buttons to lower my bed, and closed my eyes. In a few minutes, I was asleep.
"...be...Phoebe..." I opened my eyes and looked up to see Prue standing above me. "Jamie came with food," she said, putting the tray down and helping me sit up. I groaned with protest as Prue helped me up and picked up the tray to put on my lap. A moment later Piper came in with two cokes, and handed one to Prue.
"Hungry?" she asked me hopefully. I just stared at her and then at the food, my stomach turning in protest. Just the sight made me want to...
"Prue..." I whispered, holding my stomach and leaning over. Seeing my predicament, Piper quickly took the tray of food away and Prue set the bucket in front of me. Immediately, my lunch came back out as I gagged and held my stomach in pain. In a few minutes Jamie came in...Piper must've called her. She shooed my sisters out of the way to give me air, and in a few minutes my stomach quieted down.
"Phoebe, you alright?" she asked, handing me a towel to wipe my face and putting her hand on my forehead. I moaned in response, and slipped father down under the covers. She smiled at my reaction, which I didn't find very funny. "Here, after you're done eating I want you to take these pills," she said, setting two pills down on my food tray and placing it back over my lap.
"You still want me to eat that," I said in shock, looking up at Jamie with a disgusted expression. "I feel like I'm going to puke my organs out." She just smiled and nodded.
"Eat what you can. You need your strength. In case you haven't noticed, your weight has fallen under 100." I watched as she turned to leave, bucket in hand, and a few minutes later another nurse came back with a clean one. After placing it at my side she left quickly, and I was alone with my sisters. That was it, I refused. I wouldn't do it. My habits from the past months took over, and I pushed the food away.
"Phoebe," Prue said in a big sister warning voice, but I ignored her and started to look out the window. But...my sisters didn't come over to me this time. Maybe they felt bad since they had just seen me puking my guts out...but they made no more comments about eating. A nurse came in later to gather my tray, but before she did so I took the pills and popped them in my mouth. After lowering my bed back down I closed my eyes and easily drifted off to sleep.
Taking in a deep breath, I opened my eyes to a dimly lit room, only illuminated by the lights on the machinery surrounding me and a small lamp on the table in the corner. I glanced over to see Prue sitting in a chair asleep. Besides her, there was no one else in sight. Looking over at the clock, I saw that it was four in the morning...Why had I woken up...Uhg. Looking down, I saw my hands shaking uncontrollably...wait...it was my whole body. Everything was shaking and I couldn't stop it. Suddenly, a large and unquenchable craving started in the pit of my stomach, and my arms ached, wanting a needle.
"Oh, God...Oh, God..." I whispered, rocking back and forth with my arms crossed in front of me. The craving...it was so strong...Oh, I couldn't handle it. I had to get out...I had to get to Jim...But, alas, I couldn't move. All of my strength and energy were gone. Bringing my shaking hands up to my face, I covered my eyes and started to cry. How...how could I get through this...???...I just couldn't stand it...I'd never survive. Feeling something move beside me, I looked up to see Prue next to me, her arms around my shoulders. I stopped whispering "Oh, God," when I saw her and stared at her helplessly.
"It'll be okay Phoebs, I promise," Prue whispered, and she wrapped her arms around me in a hug.
"How Prue? How?" I whispered back, and moaned in pain, continuing to rock back and forth crying on my big sister's shoulder. After about an hour...oh, an hour that seemed like eternity...the shaking receded somewhat and Prue tucked me back under the covers. "Prue...where's Piper?" I asked, and Prue smiled.
"I convinced her to go home. She was beat." I nodded at Prue's answer, but didn't mention that if Piper was beat, then what was Prue? After a few minutes I slowly fell into a restless and dream-filled sleep...a world where there was Jim, and my sisters...which side would I choose?
TO BE CONTINUED...