14.
After a moment I forced myself up from my spot in the hallway. This was ridiculous I hadn't done anything to Takeru, unless maybe I'd hurt him yesterday? Maybe he'd realized what I'd known all alone. That he deserved better than me, that while I made a decent brother I would never be a good enough mate. I tried to remember everything I'd said to him in the past two days, but there was nothing that stood out. Nothing that could ever have made my adoring brother suddenly hate me. I winced at that thought, hate me?
With a groan I filled myself a bowl of cereal and took a seat in my usual chair, spooning bites full of cheerios into my mouth. And as I sat down my spoon I caught myself staring at the chair where only yesterday Takeru had sat. And I found myself wondering, would he ever sit there again? The grief hit me with billowing waves, it was amazing how quickly you could find love...and how quickly you could lose it. My eyes flooded with tears, with the back of my hand I pushed them away.
Over the years I had learned to harden myself when things got bad. When Dad was dancing to his buffalo music, and I had a pounding headache so he turned the volume up instead of down. Just to bother me. Everytime my Mother turned away from me, every fight I'd ever been in, and trying to raise my little brother in a broken home. It would be a lie to say that I'd had a life of ease, and the entire time the only thing that made it worth living was Takeru. I'd always just gone on for him, because I knew simply that he had no one else who would. But things were different now. He was older, he didn't need me to take care of him any longer. T.K. had grown up and while I had noticed his changes I hadn't completely comprehended. It was inevitable he'd simply grown out of me.
These thoughts comforted me for some reason, made me think that his disdain was natural. That I had done nothing wrong and neither had he. He was simply moving on with his life. I raised the spoon to my lips again, as a thought hit me. But then what had happened yesterday morning? Hadn't that been love? I thought it was but perhaps I hadn't been paying close enough attention. My eyes darted to the phone but I forced them away. I was not going to call him. I was going to sit here and eat my cereal. Then I would clean house and practice the harmonica and later tonight I would go to band rehearsal.
And I would not think of Takeru while I did these things.
But I was kidding myself. Of course I would. It was ridiculous to even think I wouldn't for a second. I knew that I would always be thinking of Takeru, even if I wasn't even in the back of his mind.
After a moment I forced myself up from my spot in the hallway. This was ridiculous I hadn't done anything to Takeru, unless maybe I'd hurt him yesterday? Maybe he'd realized what I'd known all alone. That he deserved better than me, that while I made a decent brother I would never be a good enough mate. I tried to remember everything I'd said to him in the past two days, but there was nothing that stood out. Nothing that could ever have made my adoring brother suddenly hate me. I winced at that thought, hate me?
With a groan I filled myself a bowl of cereal and took a seat in my usual chair, spooning bites full of cheerios into my mouth. And as I sat down my spoon I caught myself staring at the chair where only yesterday Takeru had sat. And I found myself wondering, would he ever sit there again? The grief hit me with billowing waves, it was amazing how quickly you could find love...and how quickly you could lose it. My eyes flooded with tears, with the back of my hand I pushed them away.
Over the years I had learned to harden myself when things got bad. When Dad was dancing to his buffalo music, and I had a pounding headache so he turned the volume up instead of down. Just to bother me. Everytime my Mother turned away from me, every fight I'd ever been in, and trying to raise my little brother in a broken home. It would be a lie to say that I'd had a life of ease, and the entire time the only thing that made it worth living was Takeru. I'd always just gone on for him, because I knew simply that he had no one else who would. But things were different now. He was older, he didn't need me to take care of him any longer. T.K. had grown up and while I had noticed his changes I hadn't completely comprehended. It was inevitable he'd simply grown out of me.
These thoughts comforted me for some reason, made me think that his disdain was natural. That I had done nothing wrong and neither had he. He was simply moving on with his life. I raised the spoon to my lips again, as a thought hit me. But then what had happened yesterday morning? Hadn't that been love? I thought it was but perhaps I hadn't been paying close enough attention. My eyes darted to the phone but I forced them away. I was not going to call him. I was going to sit here and eat my cereal. Then I would clean house and practice the harmonica and later tonight I would go to band rehearsal.
And I would not think of Takeru while I did these things.
But I was kidding myself. Of course I would. It was ridiculous to even think I wouldn't for a second. I knew that I would always be thinking of Takeru, even if I wasn't even in the back of his mind.