Troubled Times
Part 6
By: Silverstar
Okay, so here's the next part. I hope you all like it. Thanks for the reviews, and I'm sorry I took so long to update, but I was on vacation with my family. We went to Canada and to Plymouth ^^'
Disclaimer: I do not owner Charmed...yeah, well, I'll get over it sooner or later. ^^
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The next few days were hard...the hardest days of my life. It was during these days of headaches, nausea, and just plain agony that I thought about Jim. If he cared so much...why wasn't he here? Where was my Prince James? I didn't have the answers, but when I wondered out loud about him I got cruel replies from my sisters.
"Don't worry about him, Phoebe. Why think about the creep that's responsible for you being in here?" Prue told me.
"Let him go Phoebe, and just concentrate on getting better," Piper said kindly, but I couldn't let him go. After about five days the headaches and nausea went away...but the cravings were as strong as ever, and whenever I had cravings in the past the first person I had turned to was Jim. He was still in my heart... It had been about a week since I had gotten into the hospital when Doctor Scott came in one day with a smile. After the throwing up had stopped completely I insisted on both Prue and Piper going back to work, so I was alone in my room. They come over in the afternoons to tell me about their days...whether I want to know or not. Some days I'm just so depressed that I don't want to speak to anyone...Other days I can't wait for one of my sisters to walk through the door. Jamie told me it was normal for my emotions to be wacky, but I hated it. Today was one of my happier days, but my mood turned upside down when I heard what my doctor had to say.
"Good morning Phoebe," she said as usual, checking the equipment attached to me and surveying my breakfast plate. Since the nausea had stopped Prue and Piper had insisted on me eating more, and I was slowly gaining a little weight. "I have good news for you. Tomorrow we're going to take all of this equipment off of you."
"Really?" I asked in amazement. "I can leave?" Sami just laughed, and I felt a dark spirally mood seep into me.
"Tomorrow you're going to start your counseling." I stared at Doctor Scott in shock for a moment before lashing out.
"I don't want counseling! I want to go home!" After saying this I stopped myself short and thought about the words...I hadn't thought of the manner as home for a long time.
"There's no need to get upset, you knew this was coming," she told me, but I just glared at her and then looked out the window.
"You can't make me," I whispered and I was glad that the way-too- happy doctor gave no comment back. Around four Piper walked into my room and came over to me.
"Phoebs, how are you? You okay today?" I gave her a scowl and she sighed. "Yeah...the doctor told me...Well, can't you give it a try? I mean, it couldn't hurt anything." I just stared at Piper for a moment and then continued to look out the window. My mind alone was enough to handle in my head. I didn't want some shrink in there too. "Okay, so you don't want to talk about it. We'll wait till Prue gets here." For the next hour and a half Piper preceded to tell me about her day and about a cute guy named Leo that she had ran into on her way to my room. I had to smile at this, but then I started thinking about Jim, and my mind wandered as Piper started talking about the TV special she had seen the other day. "..be...Phoebe!" I bolted out of my thoughts of Jim to see Piper looking at me exasperated.
"Sorry," I mumbled, and she gave me a sigh. Looking behind her, I saw Prue. She looked upset, so I guess she knew about the whole counseling thing.
"Phoebs...won't you even try it?" Prue asked, and I shook my head, keeping my hands under my blanket so my sisters wouldn't see them shaking. They didn't know that I was still having bad cravings...I didn't want to worry them. "Well, maybe we can make a compromise," Prue mused, and I watched in interest as she left the room in search of my doctor. Twenty minutes later Prue returned, smiling and triumphant.
"What?" Piper asked, and Prue pulled up a chair on the other side of my bed and started to talk.
"I just talked to the doctor and ran an idea by her that I had...and she okayed it. So, the deal would be that Phoebe, you would stay here until your weight goes over 100. Then, you could come home with us and come back to the hospital three times a week for therapy." I still didn't like the idea of talking to a shrink, but at last this way I could go home sooner and stall the whole process. My sisters seemed to be waiting for an answer from me, so I reluctantly shook my head yes and sat back as Prue went to go tell the doctor. Piper just smiled and moved as Jamie came in with my dinner. I had been getting bigger meals for the past few days, and I groaned when I saw the tray. My stomach wasn't use to food at all, let alone large amounts of it. Some habits are hard to break.
"Eat up Phoebe, just seven more pounds to reach 100." Taking a deep breath, I slowly started eating and picking at my food as Jamie left and Prue came back in. I got to hear all about Prue's day at Bucklands and I tried to listen...I really did. But...I just couldn't get my mind off my man. I think my sisters saw that my thoughts were distracting me because as soon as I was done eating they called for the nurse to take my tray and gathered up their belongings to leave.
"Bye Phoebs," Piper said, bending down to kiss me on the forehead. Prue followed suit and I watched as they both left, thankful for the privacy and the peace and quiet. Jim...I wonder where he is...what he has been doing...wait...it was only seven o'clock...the phone lines and visitor hours didn't end till eight. When Jamie had told me about the phones and explained how to work them, I hadn't really thought about using them. I mean...who would I call? 435-7669...yeah, that was the number! Jamie never came in to check on me until nine, to make sure that I was asleep...I could call him now! My heart started pounding as I reached for the phone and started to dial. I knew I shouldn't be doing this...but I couldn't get him out of my head and I had to do something about it. If I wasn't daydreaming about him or thinking about him all throughout the day, I was dreaming of him at night. *RING* *RING* *RING*...
"Hello?" he asked urgently, and I knew at once that he had been waiting for my call. By the sound in his voice, I could also tell that it was James.
"James?" I asked, and I got a relieved sigh from my boyfriend on the other line.
"Phoebe! How are you? I was so worried...Matt told me your message...Did you get his? Well, yeah, you must have or you wouldn't have this number. Tell me, where are you?" I smiled at his ramblings and laughed a little into the phone. "What?" he asked, confused at my response.
"You're so cute when you're worried," I replied, laughing a little as I said it. "You ramble on and on..." James laughed back at me.
"So where are you? Are you in trouble?" he asked, and I sighed at his questions.
"Actually...sort of. I'm in the hospital."
"The hospital?! Why, what's wrong?"
"My sisters took me here after they found out," I whispered, and he went quiet.
"H...How long...?" he asked, and I knew he was referring to how long it had been since I had gotten high.
"A little over a week," I replied, and I heard him sigh in the background.
"How are you holding up?"
"Well...the nausea and headaches have stopped," I quietly replied. "But...the cravings are as bad as ever. I miss you James."
"I miss you too," he replied, quiet and distant.
"What is it?" I asked, worried at the tone of his voice.
"It's just...I never should have left you. Now you're in some hospital where your damn sisters won't let you have what I sent you...Phoebe, you really deserve better." My forehead wrinkled at this declaration from my guy, and I sat in silence for a minute. My sisters kept saying I deserved better than Jim...meaning I should stay with them. James told me I deserved better than the way my sisters were treating me, meaning I should be with him. Everything was so confusing...who should I listen too? "Phoebe? What's wrong? Tell me what you're thinking?" he asked, and I smiled at his concern.
"My sisters keep telling me you're bad...that I should forget about you...but my heart forced me to call you...James, I'm so confused. What should I do? I almost started to half-believe my sisters...that you weren't the right one for me...and I hate myself for it. Please...tell me what to do..." I started to cry...I knew I shouldn't...but I couldn't help it.
"Phoebe...Phoebe," James said softly, trying to calm me. "Tell me Phoebe...Where were your sisters months ago when you needed someone the most? Where were they? Now...tell me...Where was I?"
"You were by my side," I whispered. "You gave me what I needed to survive."
"That's right," he cooed, and I felt better already. His voice calmed me, but at the same time made my cravings stronger.
"Oh James...I miss you so much...I miss it...I'm shaking all over...the withdraw is terrible."
"I'm sorry baby," he replied, and I sighed in depression.
"James...these weeks...it seems like I've gotten closer to my sisters...they've helped me get past the withdraw...I just feel like I'm betraying myself...because I'm slowly learning to accept them." There was silence for a minute before James spoke.
"They may be there for you now Phoebe...but aren't they the ones who are forcing you to go through this terrible ordeal?" I thought about it for a moment, and then I slowly nodded.
"You're right James...If it weren't for them I'd be happy, and I'd probably be lying content in your arms. Still...there's just something about them...It's a feeling that I get when I'm around them...That everything will be okay...That I can trust them. It's a feeling that I use to have when I was still a child..........I'm sorry, I'm babbling away. How are you? How are things? Are you in any danger because of me?" James laughed a little, and I knew that Jim had taken over his personality.
"Some cops were hangin around, but we laid low for a few weeks. Everythin is okay now. All the guys here miss you tons...and I do too. I would come get you right now, but I can't risk it. I have to supervise all dealings carefully, or a leak might get out and the cops might come for us." I listened to Jim for the rest of the hour and felt content just hearing his voice. When eight o'clock came around I knew I had to hang up.
"Hey, Jim, I have to go baby. I'll try to call again soon, but I'm going home with my sisters any day now...they never give me a moment to myself."
"Alright Phoebe, I'm sorry you have to go through this...I should have taken better care of you."
"Don't blame yourself Jim...just thinking of you gives me strength."
"All right babe, I love you. Call me as soon as you can."
"I love you too," I whispered, and then we both hung up. Jamie came in a half-hour later to turn off the lights and as I laid there in bed, my thoughts drifted not to Jim, but to my sisters. Should I trust them? I hadn't trusted them like this since I was little. Jim...I had put my trust in him, and he had given me something in return. What would Prue and Piper give me? I couldn't believe I was giving into them so easily. They still had to prove to me...Did they care more than Jim? I didn't know the answer to that question, but maybe time would tell. With conflicting thoughts over my sisters and Jim, I fell into a restless and fitful sleep.
Waking up in cool sweat, I looked over at the clock to see that it was about two thirty in the morning...Taking a deep breath, I tried to search my mind for the dream I had just had...there were no images or memories...just feelings. I felt fear and confusion...pain and doubt. While wiping the sweat off my forehead with a towel that I kept near my hospital bed, I reached over for the cup of water that Prue always made sure was full. In a few minutes I was calm, but the feelings from my unremembered dream still lingered, and they made me feel uneasy. Suddenly, my stomach turned as a craving hit me. Shaking uncontrollably, I clawed at my arms, the veins pumping with anticipation. No...no...Why wouldn't this feeling go away? Tears welled up in my eyes as my body shook, and I could do nothing to stop the agony. I thought of calling the nurse...but could she really help me? Maybe I'd be better off by myself. My doctor and main nurse didn't have night shifts...I'd be calling a complete stranger. Deciding to pass, I curled up into a tight ball and whimpered to myself as the cravings came and went, stronger and lighter, like waves moving in and out in the ocean. Slowly...very slowly, the clock ticked...2:45...3:00...and finally, around five o'clock, I fell into another restless sleep, the needle taunting me in my dreams.
"Good morning Phoebe," I faintly heard Doctor Scott say, but I was so tired, so worn out...I didn't open my eyes. I guess the doctor may have been concerned, for a second later I felt her hand on my forehead. "Phoebe, how do you feel?" she asked after a few moments, and very reluctantly, I opened my eyes to look up at her. I moaned when my eyes came in contact with the light, and Sami just shook her head at me. After a few seconds of quiet I could sense and see her examining me with her eyes, and then she sat down on the side of my bed. "Rough night?" I just looked at her for a minute, and then shook my head.
"Very rough," I said softly, and took in a deep breath.
"I guess you didn't get much sleep...You know Phoebe, if you ever have trouble sleeping you should just call the nurse. She could have given you medicine." I just nodded, and then rolled over and closed my eyes. "Okay, rest up. I'll have your breakfast delayed till ten thirty so you can get some more sleep." After that she was gone, and I took that time to catch up from the sleep I had lost the night before. Still, at ten thirty my breakfast was promptly brought, and I forced myself to open my eyes and sit up. I was surprised to see that it was Jamie who had brought it in, and was glad she didn't say anything about why I was eating so late. She just looked at me knowingly as she set down my food. After a minute though, she did speak.
"After you eat some nurses will be in to unhook you from all of the machines, tubes, IVs, etcetera. From the tests your Doctor has done we've found that everything is out of your system. The only problem we have now is your weight." I just nodded at her, and watched as she left. Looking down, I could see the redness in my arms from last night...The tubes and IVs attached to them only made the agitation worse. Sighing to myself, I brought my attention to my food and reluctantly ate. It was the only way to get out of here. Around eleven thirty a nurse came in for my tray, followed by two other nurses who proceeded to disconnect me. After about twenty minutes they were gone...and I felt free. I could actually get out of bed...use the bathroom! As this hit me, I swung my legs around to stand up...only to stumble to the ground. My body was still weak...and I hadn't walked in over a week. I hit the ground and I surprised myself when I started to weep. After a few minutes I wiped my eyes, bringing myself back to my senses, and pulled myself up so I could sit on the bed. I couldn't give up...I mean...I wasn't sure what my goal in all of this actually was: Was I going to get strong and run away to be with Jim...or stay with my sisters? Either way, I had to do what was best for me, and I wanted to take it one step at a time. At the moment, the best thing for me to do is to get back my strength. Okay, for the present, I had a goal. Breathing hard, I laid back to rest for a moment before getting up to try again. This time, I stood up and kept my shaking legs from collapsing under me. Grabbing a blanket, I walked over to the chair that was set by the window and sat down. After situating the blanket on top of me, I took in a deep breath and opened the window slightly. The cool air felt good, and I proceeded to sit there, staring out the window, and trying to pull together all of my scattered thoughts.
"Phoebe?" Hearing my name, I looked around to see Jamie standing there with my lunch. Oh God, it felt like I had just eaten! Glancing at the clock though, I saw that it was already two, and there was no way getting around lunch. "Phoebe, you really shouldn't be out of bed. You're still weak, what if you fell?" I just shrugged as she set the food down and come over towards me.
"I like it over here," I said, but she pulled me up and walked me back over to my bed.
"Well, it's much safer if you just stay in bed unless someone else is around, okay?" I didn't say anything and sighed at all the food Jamie had set in front of me as she left. Eventually, I picked up the fork and forced myself to eat the salad that was in front of me. At least it was light...except for the fattening dressing that was poured on top. Feeling full, I slowly set my tray on the stand next to my bed and made my way to the bathroom. It felt good to wash my own hands and splash cool water on my face. I stared at the toilet for a minute, but then got distracted by the image in the mirror...it was me. I looked...well, different. The thin and frail face that I had seen the last time I looked in the mirror was gone. Now, my face was fuller...not as full as it should be, but fuller nonetheless. I...well, I looked more myself. Was this hospital thing...was it actually helping me? I jumped when two arms wrapped around me from behind, but calmed down when I saw Prue's form in the mirror.
"What are you doing?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but I could tell she was worried.
"I'm only washing up a little, don't worry," I said back quickly, and pushed her arms away as I dried my face and made my way over to the window chair.
"Here, let me help you," Prue said quickly, putting her hand under my arm.
"I'm fine," I said back stubbornly, and I gently pushed her arm away as I sat down. She looked at me in confusion...I felt a stab of guilt at seeing the hurtful expression that had appeared on her face. Why was I feeling guilt?...Because she had come here to see me...but she was the one that put me here in the first place. My mind went back and forth, but in the end I sighed and bowed my head. "I'm sorry Prue...it's not you." When I looked up I saw her smiling slightly at me and then she put her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it a little for reassurance.
"That's okay...I know." Yes, I knew she knew...but did she? Did she really know how I felt...what it was like? I knew that when she saw me in that bathroom she thought I had been throwing up all my food...old habits die hard. But, I'm not anorexic or bulimic. Just because I hadn't been eating, that didn't mean I'd throw anything up that I ate on purpose. I might've had the temptation, but only because I was really full, and not use to all the food in my stomach. I stared at Prue for a minute before looking away and bringing my attention to the happenings outside of my window.
"So, why are you here so early?" I asked, curious to why she had disrupted my peaceful and quiet day with her presence.
"Work was slow, so I decided to leave. And I remembered that you were being unhooked and all today, so I thought I'd come by and see you." I stared over at Prue and started to get up, but my feet were still unsteady, and the swiftness and impulsiveness of my movements caught even me off balance. I stumbled forward and fell to the ground as Prue leaned down to catch me as I fell. We both ended up on the floor, and I stared at her in shock. "Phoebe, are you okay? Phoebe?" I just stared at her blankly and then looked down.
"Why..." I whispered, refusing to look up at her. "Why do you care so much? You never cared before...Why not leave me alone like you have all of my life...Why are you treating me like this?" At this point I looked up at my sister slightly, tears threatening to overflow, but I wouldn't let them.
"Phoebe...I love you. I have always loved you. You're my sister...I want to help you."
"You never have before. Why start now?" I snapped, and moved to get up. Prue pulled me halfway up before I threw her arms off of me and got up the remainder of the way myself.
"Phoe-"
"Don't" I said coldly, making my way over to my bed and sitting down quickly. "I don't want any of your stupid excuses. You were never there for me...you always pushed me away, yelled at me, or left me for myself. I learned to live without you then, and I can do it now too."
"Phoebe..." I looked away, furious and enraged, wondering where all of this had come from. Jim...he had made me realize the truth. "Phoebe, listen to me," Prue said, coming over to sit beside me and using her hands to force my eyes to look at her. "When we were young I went through so much. Dad...and then Mom too. I was too young to understand what I was doing...but I do now. I never meant to push you away...I was just afraid to let anyone else in. I was young and stupid then...but now I've realized what my foolishness has done. I want to be sisters...like we were in the beginning. Please, let me be your sister. Let me confide in you, and allow yourself to confide in me. Sisters are stronger than anything...we're blood, and there's no getting away from that." I stared at Prue until she let go of my head and then I looked down. Things were just too confusing. "Phoebe...something has changed. What's up?" Prue asked, and I shook my head. If they knew I had talked to Jim...
"It's nothing," I whispered. All of this excitement, anger...these emotions were starting to go to my head, and I could feel a craving coming on. "I'm tired Prue..." Nothing more was said as she pulled the covers over me and went towards the door. "I'll be back with Piper later...you can't get rid of me that easily," she said softly before turning around and leaving. As soon as she left I pulled the covers up over my head and started to cry. I just couldn't help it...I let it all out. The shaking started, and I just knew that I wouldn't be able to survive like this. In the past whenever my emotions had overpowered me, like they were now, I had gone to Jim and gotten some drugs...or went to the club to get wasted with his friends. Now...I was alone and powerless to stop the emotions...and the cravings. They were going to kill me. I shook for about an hour before my body quieted down and I fell asleep in exhaustion. The first thing I heard when I woke up were low whispers...Piper and Prue. I was still fully under the covers and I could feel the tears that were still wet on my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away, and because of my movement I knew my sisters knew that I was awake. Sighing in frustration and exhaustion, I threw the covers off of my head and slowly sat up in bed. Looking at the clock, I saw that it was six, and started wondering why dinner hadn't been brought yet.
"Phoebs?" I looked over at the sound of Piper's voice, and saw her staring sadly at me. "Is that really the way you feel? That we never cared...never loved you?" Her expression...it was so sad...I looked down in shame, guilt coming into my consciousness. Wait...why was I feeling guilt?
"Piper...does it matter now? What happened back then is in the past. Now things are different...I know I'll never be as close to you as you are to Prue, or as close to Prue as she is with you. Let's just leave it at that and accept the fact that we never were that close...why change things now? It's too late anyways." I sighed, sorrow evident in my features, and looked up at Piper. "I'm too tired to try now...let's just leave things the way they are."
"Like hell I will," Prue said, getting up angrily. "Phoebe Halliwell, do you hear me? You are a Halliwell too, and our sister. What would Grams think of the way you're speaking now?"
"Grams would be happy if I were happy," I said quickly, looking up at my eldest sister. "And right now, I'm not happy. I was happy in New York. Now I'm confined to a hospital having the worst week of my life. Do you even realize what I'm going through?! I was up practically the whole night, shaking with cravings...the drugs I can't have...the drugs you won't let me have. Look at me!" Holding up my arms, I showed my sisters my shaking hands. "They shake every day...I can't make these feelings go away...I need that stuff to live. I was up all night crying. Did you know that? My whole body shaking...hours upon hours. Am I happy now, am I Prue? I don't think so. No, I'm not." Slowly, I brought my shaking hand down towards me and folded my arms in front of me.
"Phoebe...something has happened. What is it?" Piper asked, coming over to sit down next to me. How did they...well, I guess my attitude has changed somewhat since I talked to Jim...I had doubts in my mind before...about whether or not to trust my sisters. After I talked to him...well, my doubts increased. If I chose Jim, he would be waiting for me. Would my sisters be waiting for me? "Phoebe?" Piper's voice brought me out of my thoughts and I looked at her.
"Nothing...it's nothing," I mumbled, looking over to see a nurse bringing dinner in for me. In a few seconds she was gone, and I was again alone with my sisters. Wanting me to eat though, they left my side and sat over at the table. Piper had been making them dinner, and they had been eating here with me. Shaking my head, I stared at the pasta in front of me and eventually started to eat. Arguing sure did make me lose my appetite, but I had to eat if I wanted to get out...and eventually get back to Jim. It wasn't till around eight when the nurse came in to take my tray away, and my sisters were again on either side of me, wanting to talk. Well, I didn't want to talk. I wanted to be left alone.
"Phoebe," Piper started, and I reluctantly looked up at her. "I don't know where you got these ideas that you don't belong...that we never cared...but you're mistaken. We're family...we love you very much, and we have you here in this hospital because we don't want you to get hurt."
"You are hurting me, can't you see that?" I asked, tears coming to my eyes. I stubbornly pushed them back, and stared at my sister.
"No, Phoebe, we're helping you. If you had stayed on the path you were on before you came back to us...you would have died. You would have died and we never would have had the chance to live like sisters should...together. We know the only reason you came back was because of Cassie...you trust Cassie, don't you?" I nodded slowly, knowing where she was going with this. "She sent you back home because she knew how much we loved you...She knew that we'd protect you, keep you safe, healthy, and alive." I sighed and shook my head.
"I'm too confused to talk about this now," I whispered, dropping my head down into my hands and rubbing my forehead with my fingers.
"Confused about what?" Prue asked, and I just shook my head.
"Conflicting thoughts...different perspectives and ideas..." I looked up when I felt Prue gently cup her hand around the side of my face and saw the genuine concern in her eyes. Concern...and fear.
"Phoebe...you didn't...I mean...did you..." I just looked at her and then dropped my head.
"I...I called him. I know I shouldn't have...but you don't understand Prue. His voice taunts me in my dreams...I need to get back to him. I-" My eyes went wide when I felt a hand smack me across the face...I slowly brought my right hand up to my now red cheek and looked at Prue with surprise.
"Snap out of it Phoebe," she said gently. "You DO NOT need Jim to get through your life. Look where he put you." I looked around, still not bringing my hand down from my cheek, and then shook my head.
"No...You put me here. You and Piper." I watched as Prue slowly shook her head and smiled slightly in sorrow.
"No Phoebe...You're here because you are addicted to drugs, and if you don't stop now you'll eventually die. Jim was the one who gave you the drugs. He put your life in danger. Can't you see that? Please, tell me you can see that. It's common sense Phoebe. Stop listening to his voice...he's wrapped his thoughts and ideas into your head. Dig deep within yourself and try to find the ideals and morals you had before. Would you ever had tried drugs, if he hadn't forced them on you?"
"How did you know he forced them on me?" I asked, and Prue just smiled sadly at me again.
"I know you better than you may think...You were always wild Phoebe, but never wild enough to make stupid decisions." I just sighed and looked back down at my lap. Thinking back, I realized that I probably never would have taken the drugs if Jim hadn't gotten me so drunk that I couldn't see straight...or even remember most of the events from that night. Maybe my sisters were right...maybe...
TO BE CONTINUED...
Okay, so I had to stick Leo in there ^^ He won't be showing up later or anything, but I thought it would be cute just to mention him. Okay, so go review now and tell me what you think! ^_^
Okay, so here's the next part. I hope you all like it. Thanks for the reviews, and I'm sorry I took so long to update, but I was on vacation with my family. We went to Canada and to Plymouth ^^'
Disclaimer: I do not owner Charmed...yeah, well, I'll get over it sooner or later. ^^
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The next few days were hard...the hardest days of my life. It was during these days of headaches, nausea, and just plain agony that I thought about Jim. If he cared so much...why wasn't he here? Where was my Prince James? I didn't have the answers, but when I wondered out loud about him I got cruel replies from my sisters.
"Don't worry about him, Phoebe. Why think about the creep that's responsible for you being in here?" Prue told me.
"Let him go Phoebe, and just concentrate on getting better," Piper said kindly, but I couldn't let him go. After about five days the headaches and nausea went away...but the cravings were as strong as ever, and whenever I had cravings in the past the first person I had turned to was Jim. He was still in my heart... It had been about a week since I had gotten into the hospital when Doctor Scott came in one day with a smile. After the throwing up had stopped completely I insisted on both Prue and Piper going back to work, so I was alone in my room. They come over in the afternoons to tell me about their days...whether I want to know or not. Some days I'm just so depressed that I don't want to speak to anyone...Other days I can't wait for one of my sisters to walk through the door. Jamie told me it was normal for my emotions to be wacky, but I hated it. Today was one of my happier days, but my mood turned upside down when I heard what my doctor had to say.
"Good morning Phoebe," she said as usual, checking the equipment attached to me and surveying my breakfast plate. Since the nausea had stopped Prue and Piper had insisted on me eating more, and I was slowly gaining a little weight. "I have good news for you. Tomorrow we're going to take all of this equipment off of you."
"Really?" I asked in amazement. "I can leave?" Sami just laughed, and I felt a dark spirally mood seep into me.
"Tomorrow you're going to start your counseling." I stared at Doctor Scott in shock for a moment before lashing out.
"I don't want counseling! I want to go home!" After saying this I stopped myself short and thought about the words...I hadn't thought of the manner as home for a long time.
"There's no need to get upset, you knew this was coming," she told me, but I just glared at her and then looked out the window.
"You can't make me," I whispered and I was glad that the way-too- happy doctor gave no comment back. Around four Piper walked into my room and came over to me.
"Phoebs, how are you? You okay today?" I gave her a scowl and she sighed. "Yeah...the doctor told me...Well, can't you give it a try? I mean, it couldn't hurt anything." I just stared at Piper for a moment and then continued to look out the window. My mind alone was enough to handle in my head. I didn't want some shrink in there too. "Okay, so you don't want to talk about it. We'll wait till Prue gets here." For the next hour and a half Piper preceded to tell me about her day and about a cute guy named Leo that she had ran into on her way to my room. I had to smile at this, but then I started thinking about Jim, and my mind wandered as Piper started talking about the TV special she had seen the other day. "..be...Phoebe!" I bolted out of my thoughts of Jim to see Piper looking at me exasperated.
"Sorry," I mumbled, and she gave me a sigh. Looking behind her, I saw Prue. She looked upset, so I guess she knew about the whole counseling thing.
"Phoebs...won't you even try it?" Prue asked, and I shook my head, keeping my hands under my blanket so my sisters wouldn't see them shaking. They didn't know that I was still having bad cravings...I didn't want to worry them. "Well, maybe we can make a compromise," Prue mused, and I watched in interest as she left the room in search of my doctor. Twenty minutes later Prue returned, smiling and triumphant.
"What?" Piper asked, and Prue pulled up a chair on the other side of my bed and started to talk.
"I just talked to the doctor and ran an idea by her that I had...and she okayed it. So, the deal would be that Phoebe, you would stay here until your weight goes over 100. Then, you could come home with us and come back to the hospital three times a week for therapy." I still didn't like the idea of talking to a shrink, but at last this way I could go home sooner and stall the whole process. My sisters seemed to be waiting for an answer from me, so I reluctantly shook my head yes and sat back as Prue went to go tell the doctor. Piper just smiled and moved as Jamie came in with my dinner. I had been getting bigger meals for the past few days, and I groaned when I saw the tray. My stomach wasn't use to food at all, let alone large amounts of it. Some habits are hard to break.
"Eat up Phoebe, just seven more pounds to reach 100." Taking a deep breath, I slowly started eating and picking at my food as Jamie left and Prue came back in. I got to hear all about Prue's day at Bucklands and I tried to listen...I really did. But...I just couldn't get my mind off my man. I think my sisters saw that my thoughts were distracting me because as soon as I was done eating they called for the nurse to take my tray and gathered up their belongings to leave.
"Bye Phoebs," Piper said, bending down to kiss me on the forehead. Prue followed suit and I watched as they both left, thankful for the privacy and the peace and quiet. Jim...I wonder where he is...what he has been doing...wait...it was only seven o'clock...the phone lines and visitor hours didn't end till eight. When Jamie had told me about the phones and explained how to work them, I hadn't really thought about using them. I mean...who would I call? 435-7669...yeah, that was the number! Jamie never came in to check on me until nine, to make sure that I was asleep...I could call him now! My heart started pounding as I reached for the phone and started to dial. I knew I shouldn't be doing this...but I couldn't get him out of my head and I had to do something about it. If I wasn't daydreaming about him or thinking about him all throughout the day, I was dreaming of him at night. *RING* *RING* *RING*...
"Hello?" he asked urgently, and I knew at once that he had been waiting for my call. By the sound in his voice, I could also tell that it was James.
"James?" I asked, and I got a relieved sigh from my boyfriend on the other line.
"Phoebe! How are you? I was so worried...Matt told me your message...Did you get his? Well, yeah, you must have or you wouldn't have this number. Tell me, where are you?" I smiled at his ramblings and laughed a little into the phone. "What?" he asked, confused at my response.
"You're so cute when you're worried," I replied, laughing a little as I said it. "You ramble on and on..." James laughed back at me.
"So where are you? Are you in trouble?" he asked, and I sighed at his questions.
"Actually...sort of. I'm in the hospital."
"The hospital?! Why, what's wrong?"
"My sisters took me here after they found out," I whispered, and he went quiet.
"H...How long...?" he asked, and I knew he was referring to how long it had been since I had gotten high.
"A little over a week," I replied, and I heard him sigh in the background.
"How are you holding up?"
"Well...the nausea and headaches have stopped," I quietly replied. "But...the cravings are as bad as ever. I miss you James."
"I miss you too," he replied, quiet and distant.
"What is it?" I asked, worried at the tone of his voice.
"It's just...I never should have left you. Now you're in some hospital where your damn sisters won't let you have what I sent you...Phoebe, you really deserve better." My forehead wrinkled at this declaration from my guy, and I sat in silence for a minute. My sisters kept saying I deserved better than Jim...meaning I should stay with them. James told me I deserved better than the way my sisters were treating me, meaning I should be with him. Everything was so confusing...who should I listen too? "Phoebe? What's wrong? Tell me what you're thinking?" he asked, and I smiled at his concern.
"My sisters keep telling me you're bad...that I should forget about you...but my heart forced me to call you...James, I'm so confused. What should I do? I almost started to half-believe my sisters...that you weren't the right one for me...and I hate myself for it. Please...tell me what to do..." I started to cry...I knew I shouldn't...but I couldn't help it.
"Phoebe...Phoebe," James said softly, trying to calm me. "Tell me Phoebe...Where were your sisters months ago when you needed someone the most? Where were they? Now...tell me...Where was I?"
"You were by my side," I whispered. "You gave me what I needed to survive."
"That's right," he cooed, and I felt better already. His voice calmed me, but at the same time made my cravings stronger.
"Oh James...I miss you so much...I miss it...I'm shaking all over...the withdraw is terrible."
"I'm sorry baby," he replied, and I sighed in depression.
"James...these weeks...it seems like I've gotten closer to my sisters...they've helped me get past the withdraw...I just feel like I'm betraying myself...because I'm slowly learning to accept them." There was silence for a minute before James spoke.
"They may be there for you now Phoebe...but aren't they the ones who are forcing you to go through this terrible ordeal?" I thought about it for a moment, and then I slowly nodded.
"You're right James...If it weren't for them I'd be happy, and I'd probably be lying content in your arms. Still...there's just something about them...It's a feeling that I get when I'm around them...That everything will be okay...That I can trust them. It's a feeling that I use to have when I was still a child..........I'm sorry, I'm babbling away. How are you? How are things? Are you in any danger because of me?" James laughed a little, and I knew that Jim had taken over his personality.
"Some cops were hangin around, but we laid low for a few weeks. Everythin is okay now. All the guys here miss you tons...and I do too. I would come get you right now, but I can't risk it. I have to supervise all dealings carefully, or a leak might get out and the cops might come for us." I listened to Jim for the rest of the hour and felt content just hearing his voice. When eight o'clock came around I knew I had to hang up.
"Hey, Jim, I have to go baby. I'll try to call again soon, but I'm going home with my sisters any day now...they never give me a moment to myself."
"Alright Phoebe, I'm sorry you have to go through this...I should have taken better care of you."
"Don't blame yourself Jim...just thinking of you gives me strength."
"All right babe, I love you. Call me as soon as you can."
"I love you too," I whispered, and then we both hung up. Jamie came in a half-hour later to turn off the lights and as I laid there in bed, my thoughts drifted not to Jim, but to my sisters. Should I trust them? I hadn't trusted them like this since I was little. Jim...I had put my trust in him, and he had given me something in return. What would Prue and Piper give me? I couldn't believe I was giving into them so easily. They still had to prove to me...Did they care more than Jim? I didn't know the answer to that question, but maybe time would tell. With conflicting thoughts over my sisters and Jim, I fell into a restless and fitful sleep.
Waking up in cool sweat, I looked over at the clock to see that it was about two thirty in the morning...Taking a deep breath, I tried to search my mind for the dream I had just had...there were no images or memories...just feelings. I felt fear and confusion...pain and doubt. While wiping the sweat off my forehead with a towel that I kept near my hospital bed, I reached over for the cup of water that Prue always made sure was full. In a few minutes I was calm, but the feelings from my unremembered dream still lingered, and they made me feel uneasy. Suddenly, my stomach turned as a craving hit me. Shaking uncontrollably, I clawed at my arms, the veins pumping with anticipation. No...no...Why wouldn't this feeling go away? Tears welled up in my eyes as my body shook, and I could do nothing to stop the agony. I thought of calling the nurse...but could she really help me? Maybe I'd be better off by myself. My doctor and main nurse didn't have night shifts...I'd be calling a complete stranger. Deciding to pass, I curled up into a tight ball and whimpered to myself as the cravings came and went, stronger and lighter, like waves moving in and out in the ocean. Slowly...very slowly, the clock ticked...2:45...3:00...and finally, around five o'clock, I fell into another restless sleep, the needle taunting me in my dreams.
"Good morning Phoebe," I faintly heard Doctor Scott say, but I was so tired, so worn out...I didn't open my eyes. I guess the doctor may have been concerned, for a second later I felt her hand on my forehead. "Phoebe, how do you feel?" she asked after a few moments, and very reluctantly, I opened my eyes to look up at her. I moaned when my eyes came in contact with the light, and Sami just shook her head at me. After a few seconds of quiet I could sense and see her examining me with her eyes, and then she sat down on the side of my bed. "Rough night?" I just looked at her for a minute, and then shook my head.
"Very rough," I said softly, and took in a deep breath.
"I guess you didn't get much sleep...You know Phoebe, if you ever have trouble sleeping you should just call the nurse. She could have given you medicine." I just nodded, and then rolled over and closed my eyes. "Okay, rest up. I'll have your breakfast delayed till ten thirty so you can get some more sleep." After that she was gone, and I took that time to catch up from the sleep I had lost the night before. Still, at ten thirty my breakfast was promptly brought, and I forced myself to open my eyes and sit up. I was surprised to see that it was Jamie who had brought it in, and was glad she didn't say anything about why I was eating so late. She just looked at me knowingly as she set down my food. After a minute though, she did speak.
"After you eat some nurses will be in to unhook you from all of the machines, tubes, IVs, etcetera. From the tests your Doctor has done we've found that everything is out of your system. The only problem we have now is your weight." I just nodded at her, and watched as she left. Looking down, I could see the redness in my arms from last night...The tubes and IVs attached to them only made the agitation worse. Sighing to myself, I brought my attention to my food and reluctantly ate. It was the only way to get out of here. Around eleven thirty a nurse came in for my tray, followed by two other nurses who proceeded to disconnect me. After about twenty minutes they were gone...and I felt free. I could actually get out of bed...use the bathroom! As this hit me, I swung my legs around to stand up...only to stumble to the ground. My body was still weak...and I hadn't walked in over a week. I hit the ground and I surprised myself when I started to weep. After a few minutes I wiped my eyes, bringing myself back to my senses, and pulled myself up so I could sit on the bed. I couldn't give up...I mean...I wasn't sure what my goal in all of this actually was: Was I going to get strong and run away to be with Jim...or stay with my sisters? Either way, I had to do what was best for me, and I wanted to take it one step at a time. At the moment, the best thing for me to do is to get back my strength. Okay, for the present, I had a goal. Breathing hard, I laid back to rest for a moment before getting up to try again. This time, I stood up and kept my shaking legs from collapsing under me. Grabbing a blanket, I walked over to the chair that was set by the window and sat down. After situating the blanket on top of me, I took in a deep breath and opened the window slightly. The cool air felt good, and I proceeded to sit there, staring out the window, and trying to pull together all of my scattered thoughts.
"Phoebe?" Hearing my name, I looked around to see Jamie standing there with my lunch. Oh God, it felt like I had just eaten! Glancing at the clock though, I saw that it was already two, and there was no way getting around lunch. "Phoebe, you really shouldn't be out of bed. You're still weak, what if you fell?" I just shrugged as she set the food down and come over towards me.
"I like it over here," I said, but she pulled me up and walked me back over to my bed.
"Well, it's much safer if you just stay in bed unless someone else is around, okay?" I didn't say anything and sighed at all the food Jamie had set in front of me as she left. Eventually, I picked up the fork and forced myself to eat the salad that was in front of me. At least it was light...except for the fattening dressing that was poured on top. Feeling full, I slowly set my tray on the stand next to my bed and made my way to the bathroom. It felt good to wash my own hands and splash cool water on my face. I stared at the toilet for a minute, but then got distracted by the image in the mirror...it was me. I looked...well, different. The thin and frail face that I had seen the last time I looked in the mirror was gone. Now, my face was fuller...not as full as it should be, but fuller nonetheless. I...well, I looked more myself. Was this hospital thing...was it actually helping me? I jumped when two arms wrapped around me from behind, but calmed down when I saw Prue's form in the mirror.
"What are you doing?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant, but I could tell she was worried.
"I'm only washing up a little, don't worry," I said back quickly, and pushed her arms away as I dried my face and made my way over to the window chair.
"Here, let me help you," Prue said quickly, putting her hand under my arm.
"I'm fine," I said back stubbornly, and I gently pushed her arm away as I sat down. She looked at me in confusion...I felt a stab of guilt at seeing the hurtful expression that had appeared on her face. Why was I feeling guilt?...Because she had come here to see me...but she was the one that put me here in the first place. My mind went back and forth, but in the end I sighed and bowed my head. "I'm sorry Prue...it's not you." When I looked up I saw her smiling slightly at me and then she put her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it a little for reassurance.
"That's okay...I know." Yes, I knew she knew...but did she? Did she really know how I felt...what it was like? I knew that when she saw me in that bathroom she thought I had been throwing up all my food...old habits die hard. But, I'm not anorexic or bulimic. Just because I hadn't been eating, that didn't mean I'd throw anything up that I ate on purpose. I might've had the temptation, but only because I was really full, and not use to all the food in my stomach. I stared at Prue for a minute before looking away and bringing my attention to the happenings outside of my window.
"So, why are you here so early?" I asked, curious to why she had disrupted my peaceful and quiet day with her presence.
"Work was slow, so I decided to leave. And I remembered that you were being unhooked and all today, so I thought I'd come by and see you." I stared over at Prue and started to get up, but my feet were still unsteady, and the swiftness and impulsiveness of my movements caught even me off balance. I stumbled forward and fell to the ground as Prue leaned down to catch me as I fell. We both ended up on the floor, and I stared at her in shock. "Phoebe, are you okay? Phoebe?" I just stared at her blankly and then looked down.
"Why..." I whispered, refusing to look up at her. "Why do you care so much? You never cared before...Why not leave me alone like you have all of my life...Why are you treating me like this?" At this point I looked up at my sister slightly, tears threatening to overflow, but I wouldn't let them.
"Phoebe...I love you. I have always loved you. You're my sister...I want to help you."
"You never have before. Why start now?" I snapped, and moved to get up. Prue pulled me halfway up before I threw her arms off of me and got up the remainder of the way myself.
"Phoe-"
"Don't" I said coldly, making my way over to my bed and sitting down quickly. "I don't want any of your stupid excuses. You were never there for me...you always pushed me away, yelled at me, or left me for myself. I learned to live without you then, and I can do it now too."
"Phoebe..." I looked away, furious and enraged, wondering where all of this had come from. Jim...he had made me realize the truth. "Phoebe, listen to me," Prue said, coming over to sit beside me and using her hands to force my eyes to look at her. "When we were young I went through so much. Dad...and then Mom too. I was too young to understand what I was doing...but I do now. I never meant to push you away...I was just afraid to let anyone else in. I was young and stupid then...but now I've realized what my foolishness has done. I want to be sisters...like we were in the beginning. Please, let me be your sister. Let me confide in you, and allow yourself to confide in me. Sisters are stronger than anything...we're blood, and there's no getting away from that." I stared at Prue until she let go of my head and then I looked down. Things were just too confusing. "Phoebe...something has changed. What's up?" Prue asked, and I shook my head. If they knew I had talked to Jim...
"It's nothing," I whispered. All of this excitement, anger...these emotions were starting to go to my head, and I could feel a craving coming on. "I'm tired Prue..." Nothing more was said as she pulled the covers over me and went towards the door. "I'll be back with Piper later...you can't get rid of me that easily," she said softly before turning around and leaving. As soon as she left I pulled the covers up over my head and started to cry. I just couldn't help it...I let it all out. The shaking started, and I just knew that I wouldn't be able to survive like this. In the past whenever my emotions had overpowered me, like they were now, I had gone to Jim and gotten some drugs...or went to the club to get wasted with his friends. Now...I was alone and powerless to stop the emotions...and the cravings. They were going to kill me. I shook for about an hour before my body quieted down and I fell asleep in exhaustion. The first thing I heard when I woke up were low whispers...Piper and Prue. I was still fully under the covers and I could feel the tears that were still wet on my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away, and because of my movement I knew my sisters knew that I was awake. Sighing in frustration and exhaustion, I threw the covers off of my head and slowly sat up in bed. Looking at the clock, I saw that it was six, and started wondering why dinner hadn't been brought yet.
"Phoebs?" I looked over at the sound of Piper's voice, and saw her staring sadly at me. "Is that really the way you feel? That we never cared...never loved you?" Her expression...it was so sad...I looked down in shame, guilt coming into my consciousness. Wait...why was I feeling guilt?
"Piper...does it matter now? What happened back then is in the past. Now things are different...I know I'll never be as close to you as you are to Prue, or as close to Prue as she is with you. Let's just leave it at that and accept the fact that we never were that close...why change things now? It's too late anyways." I sighed, sorrow evident in my features, and looked up at Piper. "I'm too tired to try now...let's just leave things the way they are."
"Like hell I will," Prue said, getting up angrily. "Phoebe Halliwell, do you hear me? You are a Halliwell too, and our sister. What would Grams think of the way you're speaking now?"
"Grams would be happy if I were happy," I said quickly, looking up at my eldest sister. "And right now, I'm not happy. I was happy in New York. Now I'm confined to a hospital having the worst week of my life. Do you even realize what I'm going through?! I was up practically the whole night, shaking with cravings...the drugs I can't have...the drugs you won't let me have. Look at me!" Holding up my arms, I showed my sisters my shaking hands. "They shake every day...I can't make these feelings go away...I need that stuff to live. I was up all night crying. Did you know that? My whole body shaking...hours upon hours. Am I happy now, am I Prue? I don't think so. No, I'm not." Slowly, I brought my shaking hand down towards me and folded my arms in front of me.
"Phoebe...something has happened. What is it?" Piper asked, coming over to sit down next to me. How did they...well, I guess my attitude has changed somewhat since I talked to Jim...I had doubts in my mind before...about whether or not to trust my sisters. After I talked to him...well, my doubts increased. If I chose Jim, he would be waiting for me. Would my sisters be waiting for me? "Phoebe?" Piper's voice brought me out of my thoughts and I looked at her.
"Nothing...it's nothing," I mumbled, looking over to see a nurse bringing dinner in for me. In a few seconds she was gone, and I was again alone with my sisters. Wanting me to eat though, they left my side and sat over at the table. Piper had been making them dinner, and they had been eating here with me. Shaking my head, I stared at the pasta in front of me and eventually started to eat. Arguing sure did make me lose my appetite, but I had to eat if I wanted to get out...and eventually get back to Jim. It wasn't till around eight when the nurse came in to take my tray away, and my sisters were again on either side of me, wanting to talk. Well, I didn't want to talk. I wanted to be left alone.
"Phoebe," Piper started, and I reluctantly looked up at her. "I don't know where you got these ideas that you don't belong...that we never cared...but you're mistaken. We're family...we love you very much, and we have you here in this hospital because we don't want you to get hurt."
"You are hurting me, can't you see that?" I asked, tears coming to my eyes. I stubbornly pushed them back, and stared at my sister.
"No, Phoebe, we're helping you. If you had stayed on the path you were on before you came back to us...you would have died. You would have died and we never would have had the chance to live like sisters should...together. We know the only reason you came back was because of Cassie...you trust Cassie, don't you?" I nodded slowly, knowing where she was going with this. "She sent you back home because she knew how much we loved you...She knew that we'd protect you, keep you safe, healthy, and alive." I sighed and shook my head.
"I'm too confused to talk about this now," I whispered, dropping my head down into my hands and rubbing my forehead with my fingers.
"Confused about what?" Prue asked, and I just shook my head.
"Conflicting thoughts...different perspectives and ideas..." I looked up when I felt Prue gently cup her hand around the side of my face and saw the genuine concern in her eyes. Concern...and fear.
"Phoebe...you didn't...I mean...did you..." I just looked at her and then dropped my head.
"I...I called him. I know I shouldn't have...but you don't understand Prue. His voice taunts me in my dreams...I need to get back to him. I-" My eyes went wide when I felt a hand smack me across the face...I slowly brought my right hand up to my now red cheek and looked at Prue with surprise.
"Snap out of it Phoebe," she said gently. "You DO NOT need Jim to get through your life. Look where he put you." I looked around, still not bringing my hand down from my cheek, and then shook my head.
"No...You put me here. You and Piper." I watched as Prue slowly shook her head and smiled slightly in sorrow.
"No Phoebe...You're here because you are addicted to drugs, and if you don't stop now you'll eventually die. Jim was the one who gave you the drugs. He put your life in danger. Can't you see that? Please, tell me you can see that. It's common sense Phoebe. Stop listening to his voice...he's wrapped his thoughts and ideas into your head. Dig deep within yourself and try to find the ideals and morals you had before. Would you ever had tried drugs, if he hadn't forced them on you?"
"How did you know he forced them on me?" I asked, and Prue just smiled sadly at me again.
"I know you better than you may think...You were always wild Phoebe, but never wild enough to make stupid decisions." I just sighed and looked back down at my lap. Thinking back, I realized that I probably never would have taken the drugs if Jim hadn't gotten me so drunk that I couldn't see straight...or even remember most of the events from that night. Maybe my sisters were right...maybe...
TO BE CONTINUED...
Okay, so I had to stick Leo in there ^^ He won't be showing up later or anything, but I thought it would be cute just to mention him. Okay, so go review now and tell me what you think! ^_^