Troubled Times
Part 7
By: Silverstar
Thanks for all for the positive feedback in light of mood of the story at this point...^^ I'm updating now because I don't know when I will get a chance again. My fam is taking a trip to Hershey Park and then the infamous OTAKON is happening on the 8th, 9th, and 10th! I'm so excited! My beloved anime convention is here yet again!
Disclaimer: I don't owned Charmed, never did, and never will.
**********
The next few days I mostly kept to myself, trying to think things through. Jim had strengthened the doubts in my mind that I had always had over my sisters...but then my sisters had developed doubts in my mind over Jim. One morning as I was eating breakfast, Doctor Scott came into my room with a clipboard. It had been nearly two weeks since my sisters had brought me into the hospital and I was getting restless as I gained weight and my body began to have more strength.
"Phoebe, good morning," Doctor Scott said, smiling as she walked in. Oh, great, the smiley lady was back. "I have some good news for you. Since you have reached 104 pounds, the hospital is releasing you. You can go home as soon as your sisters sign all the paperwork." I stopped eating, my fork halfway to my mouth, and stared at the smiley-lady in shock...I...I could go home...I was getting out of this hellhole! Thinking back, it was funny that I had once referred to the Manner as a hellhole...but now I was calling it home...Regaining my composure, I set my fork down and slowly looked back up at the doctor.
"Really?" I asked, afraid that it was a joke...or a dream.
"Really," she said back. "One of the nurses is notifying your sisters at this moment. With any luck, you'll be out of here by the end of the day." My life might suck from every point and angle...but at the moment Doctor Scott told me the good news, I felt like the happiest person on Earth. My mouth spread out into a huge smile and my eyes widened with excitement.
"Th- Thank you," I whispered up at the doctor, not thinking of anything else to say.
"You are very welcome Phoebe, but it was because of you that you're able to leave so quickly." I just nodded slowly as Doctor Scott turned around to leave and slowly began to finish my breakfast. I couldn't believe it...but...wait...after going home...I'd have to come back for therapy...*shudder* Well, I wouldn't think about that now. The important thing was that I was getting out of this hospital. Around lunchtime I was surprised, but delighted, to look over and see Piper walking through the door.
"Hey Phoebs," she said cheerfully, and I smiled back at her. "I got the hospital's message and talked to Prue. Here, I have some clothes for you. After you're done eating get changed and we'll be able to get out of here." Get out of here...
"Really? This soon?" I asked, throwing my plate aside and looking at Piper eagerly as she sat down next to me on my bed and handed me a bag with some of my clothes in it.
"I just have to go fill out some paper work and you're free to come with me. We can go home." I nodded slowly and watched as Piper's eyes filled with happiness and excitement. I don't know why...but it made me happy when she was happy. "I want to cook a special dinner for you tonight," Piper blurted out, and I knew why she had looked excited. Cooking for others was one of Piper's most favorite things to do. "What do you want?" I thought about it for a moment...and them my mouth watered.
"What about...well..." I saw Piper looking at me eagerly, and I had to laugh at her. She looked a little shocked at the sound of my laughter, but so was I. When was the last time I had really laughed....?
"Go ahead," she urged a moment later.
"Well...Could you make tacos...the soft-shelled kind?"
"You bet," Piper said and smiled at me. "I haven't made my special tacos for a long time...I think because last time I spilled salsa all over Prue's new boots..." I smiled at Piper as her voice drowned out in thought and then she got up. Okay, so I'll be back in twenty minutes and then we can go?" I nodded at her and waited for her to walk out of the room, humming to herself. Today nothing could ruin my good mood...nothing. Reaching into the bag that Pier had brought for me, I pulled out a pair of jeans and a simple quarter-length white top. I nodded at her choice, and then walked into the bathroom to change. In about five minutes I was done and sitting impatiently on my bed. I was ready to get out of here! Seconds later I heard someone come in and looked over eagerly...oh...it was only Jamie.
"Hey Phoebe, I heard you're leaving today. I just wanted to come buy to say congrats and good luck." She smiled down at me, and I gave her a small grin, standing up to be head level with her.
"Thanks," I replied. I looked at her for a moment, but the silence was uncomfortable...why was she staying...???
"Phoebe..." I brought my attention back to Jamie and waited. "I just wanted to tell you...to ask you to please be careful. I don't want to see you back here again...or see your name in the paper under the obituary section." I stared at her in shock for a second before slowly nodding. She smiled back at me and then turned around to leave. On her way out she bumped into Piper and I was grateful that she was back and that we could leave.
"Ready?" she asked, once she had said goodbye to Jamie and was through the door. I nodded quickly and then grabbed my bag off the bed. Piper led me out of my room, through the hallways, and eventually out into the sunlit world...It felt like I hadn't been outside in a year...the bright and warm sunlight, along with the cool light breeze refreshed me, and I follow Piper to her car on the other side of the parking lot. The drive home was silent...I starred out the window, looking at everything we were passing, but I could tell that Piper was taking quick glances over at me. Finally, I heard her clear her throat in hesitation, and I looked over at her.
"What is it Piper?" I asked quietly and gently, and this seemed to confirm that it would be okay for her to speak.
"Uh...Well, I just wanted to ask you something...but it can wait for later..." I looked over into Piper's eyes in confusion as we pulled up into our driveway and she put her car into park.
"No...ask me now," I replied as I unbuckled my seatbelt and she did the same.
"Well...I was just curious. I...I wanted to know about...about..."
"You want to know about Jim..." I whispered, and she nodded mutely. I took in a deep breath of air and looked out the window for a moment. When I turned around towards Piper again she had a look of concern and hesitation on her face. "Jim...Well, he started out as a guy named James that I met at a club...strong, sweet, and understanding...The first person in a long while that I trusted completely...the night he took me to his...well, to a club he knew, I was so confused at finding that all of his friends called him Jim...and that he...he let them do things to me..." I looked down at this point, shocked that those words had come out of my mouth...I was...I was opening up to Piper...Was I betraying Jim? I felt Piper's hand on my shoulder and looked up into her eyes. She wore such a sisterly expression...Urging me to go on if I was ready, but telling me that I didn't have to. She would understand if I didn't want to talk about it. I just smiled weakly, and then continued. "I...I wasn't totally aware when he gave me the drugs that night...I was so drunk...still so confused about his split personality that was surfacing...I still don't remember even half of that night...but I knew that I trusted James with my life. I mean...the next few days were hard, but I came to depend on the drugs and on Jim. Things seemed okay as we got into a routine and I got use to the new life." I looked up at Piper and she smiled reassuringly. "Before I knew it I was addicted...but Jim loves me Piper...he loves me first, and everything else second." I shook my head slowly and turned to look out the window. "I don't know where I'm going to go from here...but whatever it is, I'll know in time. Right now..." I turned back around towards Piper, taking her hand in mine. "Right now, I...Piper...I'm so surprised this is happening...."
"That you're opening up to me?" she asked in a knowingly and sisterly way. I nodded to her as I felt the tears coming to my eyes and smiled. Before I knew it she had enwrapped me in a hug and I put my arms tightly around her back, holding onto my sister for the first real time in a long time. Eventually, our sisterly hug broke apart and we headed into the house.
"I'm going up to my room," I told Piper as she set down her keys and her light jacket near the entryway. "Call me when dinner's ready?" She nodded, and I gratefully made my way upstairs. Upon entering my room, I was glad to find the window opened wide and the breeze flowing gently around me. I took in a deep breath and then made my way over to my bed. It was so soft...so inviting...very unlike the hard hospital bed that I had been sleeping in. Grabbing onto my pillow and hugging it tightly, I fell into a calm and restful sleep.
Shaking...shaking...what...? Opening my eyes a little, I looked up into the eyes of my sister...Prue.
"C'mon honey, dinner's ready," she said gently, and I realized that it was her who had been shaking me, trying to get me up.
"Oh...thanks," I said, sitting up and smiling at her. "I'll be down in a minute." I watched as Prue left and looked over at my clock. It was already six. Slowly, I got up off my bed and walked over to my mirror to brush my hair. Once done, I made my way out my door and downstairs to the kitchen.
"Surprise!" I heard, upon entering, and I jumped at the yelling. Looking around, I saw a big sign that said Welcome Home Phoebe! hanging from the ceiling. Prue and Piper were standing on either side of it, and underneath it directly in the middle stood Cassie, holding Katri in her arms. I stared around in shock for a moment before Cassie stepped forward, putting Katri on the ground and wrapping her arms around me in a hug.
"C...Cassie...?" I asked, returning her hug as my eyes opened wide with shock.
"Phoebe...yeah, it's me," she said, pulling away and picking up Katri to put in my arms. "I told you to call me once a week...when you didn't call I got in contact with your sisters. Jessica and Dana wanted to come too, but they couldn't afford the flight." I nodded, still in shock, as Katri rubbed her little head against my stomach and I scratched her behind her ears.
"C'mon, dinner's ready," Piper announced, and I sat Katri down as I followed my sisters and friend into the dinning room. This room was decked out with Welcome Home Phoebe! signs as well, and there were balloons attached to my chair.
"You guys..." I said in protest, but Prue just laughed and pushed me over to my chair.
"C'mon Phoebs, indulge us. We even made you tacos and everything," Piper said, and I sighed, giving up and accepting my sisters' antics. I listened as my sisters talked with Cassie, and Prue and her caught up. They had been in the same class in high school and were sharing tales from their high school days. I slowly ate a taco, and savored its flavor in my mouth. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me. Why...? Why would I want to give this up??? I looked over as Prue started laughing at something Cassie had said, and I cracked a smile just for the heck of it. They looked so happy...and...I think...I'm happy too. Why would I want to give this up? Feeling something on my foot, I looked down to see Katri lying on top of me.
"Katri...What are you doing?" I asked, and laughed when she meowed back in response. Bending down, I picked her up and set her on my lap.
"She missed you," Cassie said, smiling warmly at me and her cat, and I smiled back. "AND, without you to take care of her I have to stay home more. I can't go on long weekend trips or anything." I smiled and nodded.
"Well, she deserves the attention," I said back to Cassie, and scratched Katri behind her ears. As I petted Katri I could feel everyone's eyes on me and squirmed in my seat. I hated all of this attention.
"Okay, who wants desert?" Piper asked, and started to clear our plates from the table. Prue immediately got up to help her and they both disappeared into the kitchen. I was alone with Cassie...but I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I could tell that she was looking at me...waiting...but I just continued to stroke Katri and kept my head down. I still couldn't believe she was here...my sisters must have told her everything...What did she think of me?
"Pho-" I was spared the comment from Cassie as my sisters walked in with a small cake and Cassie cut off her sentence. Piper proudly placed it down in front of me and beamed as I leaned over to read it. Welcome Home Phoebe, we missed you. Love, Prue, Piper, Cassie, Kit, and Katri. I smiled at the last part as I saw a little paw print made of icing next to the cats' names and looked up at Piper.
"Thanks Piper," I said, reaching up to give her a hug, and she returned the embrace. "I wasn't expecting all of this." She just smiled and handed me the knife. Taking it from her, I slowly cut through the beautiful cake and handed out the pieces...of course, this was after I set Katri on the floor. After cutting a small piece for myself, I pushed the cake aside and took a small bite. The creamy icing tasted homemade...and the white cake was so fluffy and soft. Piper must've put a lot of love and effort into it. "Pipe...this is really good," I said, using my childhood nickname for her and smiling at the expression on her face."
"Thanks," she said after a few seconds and smiled. I grinned knowingly as she proceeded to explain how she made it and was so excited to see if I would like it. I assured her that I did, and then picked up my plate to bring into the kitchen. A few seconds later Prue and Piper came in with the rest of the dishes and shooed me away.
"Let us do it," Prue insisted, and she pushed me out of the kitchen and towards the living room. I sighed, giving up, and went over to sit down. In a few seconds I heard someone enter, and looked up to see Cassie standing there. No....I couldn't face her...Getting up, I quickly made my way upstairs and to my room. Upon entering, I turned around to close the door and jumped back in surprise when I saw Cassie standing there. As I moved backwards she came in and shut the door behind her.
"Phoebe...are you avoiding me?" she asked, and I looked down, averting my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at her. I did look up, however, when I felt her take my hands in hers and pull me over to sit on the bed. "Phoebe...I'm not mad at you." I stared at her with questioning eyes for a moment before sighing and looking down again.
"You must be disappointed..."
"I am not disappointed. To tell you the truth, I didn't really expect everything to just be okay again once I sent you home. But, I did expect it to be okay eventually...and it will. You're already on the right path." I looked up at my friend, and then smiled. She cared so much for me...she had flown all the way here from New York!
"Thanks Cassie," I whispered, and before I knew it I had wrapped my arms around her for a hug. She returned it and then we stood up. "How long are you staying?" I asked, and she smiled.
"Only a few days. I have to get back to work and my new guy..." We walked downstairs towards my sisters as Cassie filled me in on her new guy and I followed along behind her, laughing inwardly at the fickleness of her nature...she was still the same old Cassie.
~~
The soft pillows felt so nice...the blankets so warm...being home sure did help me sleep sounder. I snuggled a little farther into my bed, taking a deep breath until my eyes popped open in surprise. Upon hearing a noise, I looked over towards the door...it was slowly creaking open...
"Phoebe?" The door shut and I clearly saw his face...his broad shoulders, his dark hair, his piecing green eyes...Jim was standing at the edge of my bed. My heart started pounding as I stared at him and my voice caught in my throat. "Shhh," he said, walking nearer and putting his finger to my lips. "Don't say anything." I looked up at him helplessly and saw the sparkle in his eyes as he smiled down at me. "C'mon, let's go," he whispered, holding out his hand for me to take. Slowly, I reached up...and tentatively took his hand in mine. With a sudden force, Jim pulled me violently to my feet and towards him. My eyes went wide as I saw him quickly pull a huge needle from behind his back.
"Jim...no..." I whispered, tears coming to my eyes as I saw him reach to pull up the sleeve to my shirt.
"You need it baby, I know you do," he whispered in my ear as he slowly brought the needle towards my scared and aching arm. "You'll feel better after this..." I sunk down to the floor as he came towards me with the long needle and felt my arm tingle with excitement...The cravings started, but I just cried out and sobbed for Jim to stop and to leave me alone.
"No...please..." I sobbed as my body started shaking uncontrollably...
~~
"Phoebe...Phoebe!" I bolted awake, sitting straight up and gasping for breath. The first thing I noticed was the shaking of my arms and hands as a craving overtook me...and the tears that were still falling from my eyes and blurring my vision. After a few deep breaths, I started to sob and felt someone pull me into their arms. "Shhh...it's okay," Piper whispered as she pulled my hair back out of my face and rubbed my back, trying to sooth my nerves. I cried on her shoulder for a while, hugging my legs up and close to my body with my arms. The shaking wouldn't stop...and the thought of my dream just sent shivers through my arms as the cravings began again. Slowly, my sobbing ceased, but I still held myself in a tight ball, trying to stop my arms and hands from shaking. Piper rocked me gently, rubbing her hands up and down my arms to try to calm me.
"Piper...Piper," I whispered, tears still silently falling down my cheeks.
"What is it honey?" she asked softly, but quickly.
"Please...don't let him get me. Don't let him..." my arms started shaking again, and I buried my head in her shoulder, crying out for it to stop.
"Shhh...It's alright honey. We won't let him touch you. You're safe here. C'mon, calm down. It's going to be alright." I took in some deep breaths to calm my nerves, and ten minutes later I was still...silent and exhausted. Slowly, I wrapped my arms around Piper and clung to her tightly. I felt her slide her arms around my back as well as she started to rub it soothingly. "You're all right," she whispered, and I sat quietly, concentrating on breathing deeply and keeping my mind clear. After a few minutes Piper gently set me down in my bed and wrapped the covers around me.
"D...Don't leave," I whispered, begging her with my eyes, and she smiled down at me. A moment later she had laid down by my side and wrapped her arm around me.
"I'm not going anywhere," she whispered, and I was glad for her presence. It gave me a sense of security and my mind rested easier.
"Thanks...Piper," I whispered, and I fell asleep to the sound of her breathing quietly next to me. My night was filled with a dreamless sleep from then on...but instead, the whole night I was aware of a black void...a void filled with fear, doubt, sadness, anxiety...and the list goes on. I do know that every time I awoke, I felt Piper's arm over my shoulder and heard her shifting next to me. She didn't leave...she stayed with me, and every time I woke up, her even breathing would lull me back to sleep within minutes.
Opening my eyes, I squinted as the sun shown through the window and I looked over at the clock. It was already ten. I slowly turned over to see that Piper was gone, but my door was open and I could hear her moving around downstairs in the kitchen. Shaking my head slightly, I sat up and pressed both of my hands over my face. Last night...my breath caught in my lungs at the thought of the dream and I glanced down at my arms through the openings in my fingers. Massaging my forehead for a minute, I took in some deep breaths and then lowered my hands and arms to my sides. A shower...a shower would do me good. Getting out of bed, I made my way over to my dresser, grabbing a pair of jeans, a long sleeved black V-neck top, and my brush. After gathering up some other items from an adjoining drawer, I made my way towards the bathroom. Sighing in relief that the bathroom was unoccupied, I made my way in, shutting and locking the door behind me. The hot water felt so good running through my hair, over my face, down my back...I guess its the little things you miss most...like taking a long, hot shower. I couldn't have one when I was at the hospital...but now I think I appreciated it more. After about fifteen or twenty minutes I turned off the water and dried myself off. Twenty minutes later I was dressed with my hair blown partially dry and pulled back and out of my face. As I made my way downstairs I could here voices coming from the kitchen...Cassie was complementing Piper on the food, and Piper was thanking her. Hmmnn....Prue must have already left for work...
"Hey!" As I stepped into the kitchen I was immediately greeted by Cassie, who was sitting at the end of the table and able to look around the whole kitchen. I saw Piper look slowly up at me and I smiled a little at Cassie.
"Hey," I said back, walking slowly towards the table and sitting down next to my friend.
"You okay?" she asked, putting her arm around my shoulder and leaning over towards me. "My snoring didn't keep you up, did it?" I laughed a little at this, but our light conversation was broken when Piper came over with a plate of eggs and toast for me. It hit the table with a clunk and I looked up at my sister as she set he plate down in front of me. She smiled at me, and then my eyes went wide. She...she hadn't told them...she hadn't told Cassie or Prue about last night...I stared at her for a moment before smiling and then glancing over towards Cassie as Piper turned back around to continue with the dishes. Of course...she would eventually tell Prue...but at least Cassie wouldn't have to look at me and feel any more pity than she already felt. I had to put on a strong face for her. I listened faintly to Cassie as she told me about a time when Katri had done something-or-another while I slowly ate my eggs and rested my brain. My head just hurt...I wanted a break from the pestering thoughts that I carried around with me 24/7. As I finished my breakfast I got up to clean my plate, but Piper rushed over as I stood up.
"Let me get it honey," she said, reaching to take the plate.
"I can do it," I insisted, pulling it towards myself.
"No, let me do it," she insisted back. "I want to." After looking at her for a moment I let up on my grip of the plate and allowed her to take it from me.
"C'mon Phoebe, let's go sit in the living room while Piper finishes up here," Cassie said, and she gently dragged me through the door. I settle down onto the couch with Cassie and looked around the room, feeling uncomfortable because she was looking at me. "Phoebe," she said finally, and I looked over at her. "Are you okay?" I smiled at this question and put my hands over hers.
"I'm fine," I whispered and jumped a little in surprise when she clasped my hands and squeezed them tightly.
"Are you sure?"
"Uh..."
"Because...because last night...Oh, never mind." I looked cautiously at Cassie and took in a deep breath. Last night...Prue had given Cassie her bed and slept on the couch. Why was Piper the only one to come into my room last night when I was sobbing and crying out in my sleep? Prue had been downstairs...she wouldn't have heard...Cassie...I looked up into her eyes and smiled sadly at her.
"You heard me," I whispered, and she slowly nodded, looking down.
"I...I couldn't help it...Phoebe, you were crying out in your sleep...you sounded so desperate and so afraid...But I didn't want to go in. I heard Piper get up and I didn't want to..." She let out a sigh and looked down into her lap. "You scared me so much..."
"Cassie...I...everything is just so hard for me. I think about him all the time...and even my dreams are plagued with needles, drugs...with Jim. I still love him goddamnit...but I'm so afraid of him. I'm afraid of what might happen if he comes back..." I looked up to see that Cassie was watching me intently.
"I...I didn't realize," she said, and I smiled sadly at her.
"I still have cravings too...and dreams like that make my whole body shake with yearning. But...it will go away with time...it will..." I think she picked up on the fact that I was trying to convince myself this as much as I was trying to convince her, for she leaned forward and gave me a hug.
"Yeah, you'll be well again in no time." I smiled and then we pulled apart. "Hey, since I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon, how about we go out today, have some fun."
"Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" I asked and she smiled.
"Shopping."
TO BE CONTINUED...
Thanks for all for the positive feedback in light of mood of the story at this point...^^ I'm updating now because I don't know when I will get a chance again. My fam is taking a trip to Hershey Park and then the infamous OTAKON is happening on the 8th, 9th, and 10th! I'm so excited! My beloved anime convention is here yet again!
Disclaimer: I don't owned Charmed, never did, and never will.
**********
The next few days I mostly kept to myself, trying to think things through. Jim had strengthened the doubts in my mind that I had always had over my sisters...but then my sisters had developed doubts in my mind over Jim. One morning as I was eating breakfast, Doctor Scott came into my room with a clipboard. It had been nearly two weeks since my sisters had brought me into the hospital and I was getting restless as I gained weight and my body began to have more strength.
"Phoebe, good morning," Doctor Scott said, smiling as she walked in. Oh, great, the smiley lady was back. "I have some good news for you. Since you have reached 104 pounds, the hospital is releasing you. You can go home as soon as your sisters sign all the paperwork." I stopped eating, my fork halfway to my mouth, and stared at the smiley-lady in shock...I...I could go home...I was getting out of this hellhole! Thinking back, it was funny that I had once referred to the Manner as a hellhole...but now I was calling it home...Regaining my composure, I set my fork down and slowly looked back up at the doctor.
"Really?" I asked, afraid that it was a joke...or a dream.
"Really," she said back. "One of the nurses is notifying your sisters at this moment. With any luck, you'll be out of here by the end of the day." My life might suck from every point and angle...but at the moment Doctor Scott told me the good news, I felt like the happiest person on Earth. My mouth spread out into a huge smile and my eyes widened with excitement.
"Th- Thank you," I whispered up at the doctor, not thinking of anything else to say.
"You are very welcome Phoebe, but it was because of you that you're able to leave so quickly." I just nodded slowly as Doctor Scott turned around to leave and slowly began to finish my breakfast. I couldn't believe it...but...wait...after going home...I'd have to come back for therapy...*shudder* Well, I wouldn't think about that now. The important thing was that I was getting out of this hospital. Around lunchtime I was surprised, but delighted, to look over and see Piper walking through the door.
"Hey Phoebs," she said cheerfully, and I smiled back at her. "I got the hospital's message and talked to Prue. Here, I have some clothes for you. After you're done eating get changed and we'll be able to get out of here." Get out of here...
"Really? This soon?" I asked, throwing my plate aside and looking at Piper eagerly as she sat down next to me on my bed and handed me a bag with some of my clothes in it.
"I just have to go fill out some paper work and you're free to come with me. We can go home." I nodded slowly and watched as Piper's eyes filled with happiness and excitement. I don't know why...but it made me happy when she was happy. "I want to cook a special dinner for you tonight," Piper blurted out, and I knew why she had looked excited. Cooking for others was one of Piper's most favorite things to do. "What do you want?" I thought about it for a moment...and them my mouth watered.
"What about...well..." I saw Piper looking at me eagerly, and I had to laugh at her. She looked a little shocked at the sound of my laughter, but so was I. When was the last time I had really laughed....?
"Go ahead," she urged a moment later.
"Well...Could you make tacos...the soft-shelled kind?"
"You bet," Piper said and smiled at me. "I haven't made my special tacos for a long time...I think because last time I spilled salsa all over Prue's new boots..." I smiled at Piper as her voice drowned out in thought and then she got up. Okay, so I'll be back in twenty minutes and then we can go?" I nodded at her and waited for her to walk out of the room, humming to herself. Today nothing could ruin my good mood...nothing. Reaching into the bag that Pier had brought for me, I pulled out a pair of jeans and a simple quarter-length white top. I nodded at her choice, and then walked into the bathroom to change. In about five minutes I was done and sitting impatiently on my bed. I was ready to get out of here! Seconds later I heard someone come in and looked over eagerly...oh...it was only Jamie.
"Hey Phoebe, I heard you're leaving today. I just wanted to come buy to say congrats and good luck." She smiled down at me, and I gave her a small grin, standing up to be head level with her.
"Thanks," I replied. I looked at her for a moment, but the silence was uncomfortable...why was she staying...???
"Phoebe..." I brought my attention back to Jamie and waited. "I just wanted to tell you...to ask you to please be careful. I don't want to see you back here again...or see your name in the paper under the obituary section." I stared at her in shock for a second before slowly nodding. She smiled back at me and then turned around to leave. On her way out she bumped into Piper and I was grateful that she was back and that we could leave.
"Ready?" she asked, once she had said goodbye to Jamie and was through the door. I nodded quickly and then grabbed my bag off the bed. Piper led me out of my room, through the hallways, and eventually out into the sunlit world...It felt like I hadn't been outside in a year...the bright and warm sunlight, along with the cool light breeze refreshed me, and I follow Piper to her car on the other side of the parking lot. The drive home was silent...I starred out the window, looking at everything we were passing, but I could tell that Piper was taking quick glances over at me. Finally, I heard her clear her throat in hesitation, and I looked over at her.
"What is it Piper?" I asked quietly and gently, and this seemed to confirm that it would be okay for her to speak.
"Uh...Well, I just wanted to ask you something...but it can wait for later..." I looked over into Piper's eyes in confusion as we pulled up into our driveway and she put her car into park.
"No...ask me now," I replied as I unbuckled my seatbelt and she did the same.
"Well...I was just curious. I...I wanted to know about...about..."
"You want to know about Jim..." I whispered, and she nodded mutely. I took in a deep breath of air and looked out the window for a moment. When I turned around towards Piper again she had a look of concern and hesitation on her face. "Jim...Well, he started out as a guy named James that I met at a club...strong, sweet, and understanding...The first person in a long while that I trusted completely...the night he took me to his...well, to a club he knew, I was so confused at finding that all of his friends called him Jim...and that he...he let them do things to me..." I looked down at this point, shocked that those words had come out of my mouth...I was...I was opening up to Piper...Was I betraying Jim? I felt Piper's hand on my shoulder and looked up into her eyes. She wore such a sisterly expression...Urging me to go on if I was ready, but telling me that I didn't have to. She would understand if I didn't want to talk about it. I just smiled weakly, and then continued. "I...I wasn't totally aware when he gave me the drugs that night...I was so drunk...still so confused about his split personality that was surfacing...I still don't remember even half of that night...but I knew that I trusted James with my life. I mean...the next few days were hard, but I came to depend on the drugs and on Jim. Things seemed okay as we got into a routine and I got use to the new life." I looked up at Piper and she smiled reassuringly. "Before I knew it I was addicted...but Jim loves me Piper...he loves me first, and everything else second." I shook my head slowly and turned to look out the window. "I don't know where I'm going to go from here...but whatever it is, I'll know in time. Right now..." I turned back around towards Piper, taking her hand in mine. "Right now, I...Piper...I'm so surprised this is happening...."
"That you're opening up to me?" she asked in a knowingly and sisterly way. I nodded to her as I felt the tears coming to my eyes and smiled. Before I knew it she had enwrapped me in a hug and I put my arms tightly around her back, holding onto my sister for the first real time in a long time. Eventually, our sisterly hug broke apart and we headed into the house.
"I'm going up to my room," I told Piper as she set down her keys and her light jacket near the entryway. "Call me when dinner's ready?" She nodded, and I gratefully made my way upstairs. Upon entering my room, I was glad to find the window opened wide and the breeze flowing gently around me. I took in a deep breath and then made my way over to my bed. It was so soft...so inviting...very unlike the hard hospital bed that I had been sleeping in. Grabbing onto my pillow and hugging it tightly, I fell into a calm and restful sleep.
Shaking...shaking...what...? Opening my eyes a little, I looked up into the eyes of my sister...Prue.
"C'mon honey, dinner's ready," she said gently, and I realized that it was her who had been shaking me, trying to get me up.
"Oh...thanks," I said, sitting up and smiling at her. "I'll be down in a minute." I watched as Prue left and looked over at my clock. It was already six. Slowly, I got up off my bed and walked over to my mirror to brush my hair. Once done, I made my way out my door and downstairs to the kitchen.
"Surprise!" I heard, upon entering, and I jumped at the yelling. Looking around, I saw a big sign that said Welcome Home Phoebe! hanging from the ceiling. Prue and Piper were standing on either side of it, and underneath it directly in the middle stood Cassie, holding Katri in her arms. I stared around in shock for a moment before Cassie stepped forward, putting Katri on the ground and wrapping her arms around me in a hug.
"C...Cassie...?" I asked, returning her hug as my eyes opened wide with shock.
"Phoebe...yeah, it's me," she said, pulling away and picking up Katri to put in my arms. "I told you to call me once a week...when you didn't call I got in contact with your sisters. Jessica and Dana wanted to come too, but they couldn't afford the flight." I nodded, still in shock, as Katri rubbed her little head against my stomach and I scratched her behind her ears.
"C'mon, dinner's ready," Piper announced, and I sat Katri down as I followed my sisters and friend into the dinning room. This room was decked out with Welcome Home Phoebe! signs as well, and there were balloons attached to my chair.
"You guys..." I said in protest, but Prue just laughed and pushed me over to my chair.
"C'mon Phoebs, indulge us. We even made you tacos and everything," Piper said, and I sighed, giving up and accepting my sisters' antics. I listened as my sisters talked with Cassie, and Prue and her caught up. They had been in the same class in high school and were sharing tales from their high school days. I slowly ate a taco, and savored its flavor in my mouth. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me. Why...? Why would I want to give this up??? I looked over as Prue started laughing at something Cassie had said, and I cracked a smile just for the heck of it. They looked so happy...and...I think...I'm happy too. Why would I want to give this up? Feeling something on my foot, I looked down to see Katri lying on top of me.
"Katri...What are you doing?" I asked, and laughed when she meowed back in response. Bending down, I picked her up and set her on my lap.
"She missed you," Cassie said, smiling warmly at me and her cat, and I smiled back. "AND, without you to take care of her I have to stay home more. I can't go on long weekend trips or anything." I smiled and nodded.
"Well, she deserves the attention," I said back to Cassie, and scratched Katri behind her ears. As I petted Katri I could feel everyone's eyes on me and squirmed in my seat. I hated all of this attention.
"Okay, who wants desert?" Piper asked, and started to clear our plates from the table. Prue immediately got up to help her and they both disappeared into the kitchen. I was alone with Cassie...but I couldn't bring myself to look at her. I could tell that she was looking at me...waiting...but I just continued to stroke Katri and kept my head down. I still couldn't believe she was here...my sisters must have told her everything...What did she think of me?
"Pho-" I was spared the comment from Cassie as my sisters walked in with a small cake and Cassie cut off her sentence. Piper proudly placed it down in front of me and beamed as I leaned over to read it. Welcome Home Phoebe, we missed you. Love, Prue, Piper, Cassie, Kit, and Katri. I smiled at the last part as I saw a little paw print made of icing next to the cats' names and looked up at Piper.
"Thanks Piper," I said, reaching up to give her a hug, and she returned the embrace. "I wasn't expecting all of this." She just smiled and handed me the knife. Taking it from her, I slowly cut through the beautiful cake and handed out the pieces...of course, this was after I set Katri on the floor. After cutting a small piece for myself, I pushed the cake aside and took a small bite. The creamy icing tasted homemade...and the white cake was so fluffy and soft. Piper must've put a lot of love and effort into it. "Pipe...this is really good," I said, using my childhood nickname for her and smiling at the expression on her face."
"Thanks," she said after a few seconds and smiled. I grinned knowingly as she proceeded to explain how she made it and was so excited to see if I would like it. I assured her that I did, and then picked up my plate to bring into the kitchen. A few seconds later Prue and Piper came in with the rest of the dishes and shooed me away.
"Let us do it," Prue insisted, and she pushed me out of the kitchen and towards the living room. I sighed, giving up, and went over to sit down. In a few seconds I heard someone enter, and looked up to see Cassie standing there. No....I couldn't face her...Getting up, I quickly made my way upstairs and to my room. Upon entering, I turned around to close the door and jumped back in surprise when I saw Cassie standing there. As I moved backwards she came in and shut the door behind her.
"Phoebe...are you avoiding me?" she asked, and I looked down, averting my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at her. I did look up, however, when I felt her take my hands in hers and pull me over to sit on the bed. "Phoebe...I'm not mad at you." I stared at her with questioning eyes for a moment before sighing and looking down again.
"You must be disappointed..."
"I am not disappointed. To tell you the truth, I didn't really expect everything to just be okay again once I sent you home. But, I did expect it to be okay eventually...and it will. You're already on the right path." I looked up at my friend, and then smiled. She cared so much for me...she had flown all the way here from New York!
"Thanks Cassie," I whispered, and before I knew it I had wrapped my arms around her for a hug. She returned it and then we stood up. "How long are you staying?" I asked, and she smiled.
"Only a few days. I have to get back to work and my new guy..." We walked downstairs towards my sisters as Cassie filled me in on her new guy and I followed along behind her, laughing inwardly at the fickleness of her nature...she was still the same old Cassie.
~~
The soft pillows felt so nice...the blankets so warm...being home sure did help me sleep sounder. I snuggled a little farther into my bed, taking a deep breath until my eyes popped open in surprise. Upon hearing a noise, I looked over towards the door...it was slowly creaking open...
"Phoebe?" The door shut and I clearly saw his face...his broad shoulders, his dark hair, his piecing green eyes...Jim was standing at the edge of my bed. My heart started pounding as I stared at him and my voice caught in my throat. "Shhh," he said, walking nearer and putting his finger to my lips. "Don't say anything." I looked up at him helplessly and saw the sparkle in his eyes as he smiled down at me. "C'mon, let's go," he whispered, holding out his hand for me to take. Slowly, I reached up...and tentatively took his hand in mine. With a sudden force, Jim pulled me violently to my feet and towards him. My eyes went wide as I saw him quickly pull a huge needle from behind his back.
"Jim...no..." I whispered, tears coming to my eyes as I saw him reach to pull up the sleeve to my shirt.
"You need it baby, I know you do," he whispered in my ear as he slowly brought the needle towards my scared and aching arm. "You'll feel better after this..." I sunk down to the floor as he came towards me with the long needle and felt my arm tingle with excitement...The cravings started, but I just cried out and sobbed for Jim to stop and to leave me alone.
"No...please..." I sobbed as my body started shaking uncontrollably...
~~
"Phoebe...Phoebe!" I bolted awake, sitting straight up and gasping for breath. The first thing I noticed was the shaking of my arms and hands as a craving overtook me...and the tears that were still falling from my eyes and blurring my vision. After a few deep breaths, I started to sob and felt someone pull me into their arms. "Shhh...it's okay," Piper whispered as she pulled my hair back out of my face and rubbed my back, trying to sooth my nerves. I cried on her shoulder for a while, hugging my legs up and close to my body with my arms. The shaking wouldn't stop...and the thought of my dream just sent shivers through my arms as the cravings began again. Slowly, my sobbing ceased, but I still held myself in a tight ball, trying to stop my arms and hands from shaking. Piper rocked me gently, rubbing her hands up and down my arms to try to calm me.
"Piper...Piper," I whispered, tears still silently falling down my cheeks.
"What is it honey?" she asked softly, but quickly.
"Please...don't let him get me. Don't let him..." my arms started shaking again, and I buried my head in her shoulder, crying out for it to stop.
"Shhh...It's alright honey. We won't let him touch you. You're safe here. C'mon, calm down. It's going to be alright." I took in some deep breaths to calm my nerves, and ten minutes later I was still...silent and exhausted. Slowly, I wrapped my arms around Piper and clung to her tightly. I felt her slide her arms around my back as well as she started to rub it soothingly. "You're all right," she whispered, and I sat quietly, concentrating on breathing deeply and keeping my mind clear. After a few minutes Piper gently set me down in my bed and wrapped the covers around me.
"D...Don't leave," I whispered, begging her with my eyes, and she smiled down at me. A moment later she had laid down by my side and wrapped her arm around me.
"I'm not going anywhere," she whispered, and I was glad for her presence. It gave me a sense of security and my mind rested easier.
"Thanks...Piper," I whispered, and I fell asleep to the sound of her breathing quietly next to me. My night was filled with a dreamless sleep from then on...but instead, the whole night I was aware of a black void...a void filled with fear, doubt, sadness, anxiety...and the list goes on. I do know that every time I awoke, I felt Piper's arm over my shoulder and heard her shifting next to me. She didn't leave...she stayed with me, and every time I woke up, her even breathing would lull me back to sleep within minutes.
Opening my eyes, I squinted as the sun shown through the window and I looked over at the clock. It was already ten. I slowly turned over to see that Piper was gone, but my door was open and I could hear her moving around downstairs in the kitchen. Shaking my head slightly, I sat up and pressed both of my hands over my face. Last night...my breath caught in my lungs at the thought of the dream and I glanced down at my arms through the openings in my fingers. Massaging my forehead for a minute, I took in some deep breaths and then lowered my hands and arms to my sides. A shower...a shower would do me good. Getting out of bed, I made my way over to my dresser, grabbing a pair of jeans, a long sleeved black V-neck top, and my brush. After gathering up some other items from an adjoining drawer, I made my way towards the bathroom. Sighing in relief that the bathroom was unoccupied, I made my way in, shutting and locking the door behind me. The hot water felt so good running through my hair, over my face, down my back...I guess its the little things you miss most...like taking a long, hot shower. I couldn't have one when I was at the hospital...but now I think I appreciated it more. After about fifteen or twenty minutes I turned off the water and dried myself off. Twenty minutes later I was dressed with my hair blown partially dry and pulled back and out of my face. As I made my way downstairs I could here voices coming from the kitchen...Cassie was complementing Piper on the food, and Piper was thanking her. Hmmnn....Prue must have already left for work...
"Hey!" As I stepped into the kitchen I was immediately greeted by Cassie, who was sitting at the end of the table and able to look around the whole kitchen. I saw Piper look slowly up at me and I smiled a little at Cassie.
"Hey," I said back, walking slowly towards the table and sitting down next to my friend.
"You okay?" she asked, putting her arm around my shoulder and leaning over towards me. "My snoring didn't keep you up, did it?" I laughed a little at this, but our light conversation was broken when Piper came over with a plate of eggs and toast for me. It hit the table with a clunk and I looked up at my sister as she set he plate down in front of me. She smiled at me, and then my eyes went wide. She...she hadn't told them...she hadn't told Cassie or Prue about last night...I stared at her for a moment before smiling and then glancing over towards Cassie as Piper turned back around to continue with the dishes. Of course...she would eventually tell Prue...but at least Cassie wouldn't have to look at me and feel any more pity than she already felt. I had to put on a strong face for her. I listened faintly to Cassie as she told me about a time when Katri had done something-or-another while I slowly ate my eggs and rested my brain. My head just hurt...I wanted a break from the pestering thoughts that I carried around with me 24/7. As I finished my breakfast I got up to clean my plate, but Piper rushed over as I stood up.
"Let me get it honey," she said, reaching to take the plate.
"I can do it," I insisted, pulling it towards myself.
"No, let me do it," she insisted back. "I want to." After looking at her for a moment I let up on my grip of the plate and allowed her to take it from me.
"C'mon Phoebe, let's go sit in the living room while Piper finishes up here," Cassie said, and she gently dragged me through the door. I settle down onto the couch with Cassie and looked around the room, feeling uncomfortable because she was looking at me. "Phoebe," she said finally, and I looked over at her. "Are you okay?" I smiled at this question and put my hands over hers.
"I'm fine," I whispered and jumped a little in surprise when she clasped my hands and squeezed them tightly.
"Are you sure?"
"Uh..."
"Because...because last night...Oh, never mind." I looked cautiously at Cassie and took in a deep breath. Last night...Prue had given Cassie her bed and slept on the couch. Why was Piper the only one to come into my room last night when I was sobbing and crying out in my sleep? Prue had been downstairs...she wouldn't have heard...Cassie...I looked up into her eyes and smiled sadly at her.
"You heard me," I whispered, and she slowly nodded, looking down.
"I...I couldn't help it...Phoebe, you were crying out in your sleep...you sounded so desperate and so afraid...But I didn't want to go in. I heard Piper get up and I didn't want to..." She let out a sigh and looked down into her lap. "You scared me so much..."
"Cassie...I...everything is just so hard for me. I think about him all the time...and even my dreams are plagued with needles, drugs...with Jim. I still love him goddamnit...but I'm so afraid of him. I'm afraid of what might happen if he comes back..." I looked up to see that Cassie was watching me intently.
"I...I didn't realize," she said, and I smiled sadly at her.
"I still have cravings too...and dreams like that make my whole body shake with yearning. But...it will go away with time...it will..." I think she picked up on the fact that I was trying to convince myself this as much as I was trying to convince her, for she leaned forward and gave me a hug.
"Yeah, you'll be well again in no time." I smiled and then we pulled apart. "Hey, since I'm leaving tomorrow afternoon, how about we go out today, have some fun."
"Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" I asked and she smiled.
"Shopping."
TO BE CONTINUED...