I'd like to dedicate this final chapter to my beta, Meredith. Thanks for
all your hard work and sticking with me even through those sixteen page
chapters. You're awesome!
I'd also like to make a quick shout out to everyone who has sent me their reviews. You guys are what kept me going. This story has taken over a year to write and you guys were really patient, thanks! (
Buffy lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Angel was sleeping next to her with his arm casually draped around her stomach. She ran her fingertips up and down his arm, watching goosebumps form on his skin. She hadn't gotten much sleep lately and her appearance confirmed it. Her eyes were red and she could swear she had bags under her bags. She knew that the instant she fell asleep her mind would replay the night Xander raped her. She hadn't seen him since that night, but he was still controlling her life. Because her dad was never home and she felt unsafe alone, she'd moved into Angel's apartment. She'd missed a lot of work, calling in sick every morning. Faith had even come over one day and made her tomato soup. She'd gone through Angel's movie collection and memorized the entire "American Beauty" script. She'd watched every episode of "Sopranos" on DVD. She'd discovered she could order pizza at 1 AM. She knew that reruns of "Saturday Night Live" were on Comedy Central at 3 AM and at two in the morning she'd watch "Golden Girls" on the Lifetime channel. She saw a man eat one hundred and fifty spiders and learned that 7up came before Sprite. She had a lot of time to think about things like her relationship with Angel. He'd closed off a part of himself from her and had become distant. He still loved her and he always would, this she knew, but something wasn't right. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she knew that their relationship had been somehow scarred.
Angel mumbled incoherently in his sleep, interrupting her thoughts. She rolled over and glanced at the digital alarm clock on the nightstand. 6:45 AM. She slid out of bed, careful not to wake him, and made her way to the bathroom. Not bothering to close the door behind herself, she turned on the shower, giving the water time to warm up. She stripped off her pajamas and looked at her nude body in the mirror. Most of her bruises had faded and the rest were only barely visible. She still had a cut on her side, but it was slowly healing. Angel had insisted she needed stitches, but she refused to go to the hospital. She just put gauze and some medical tape on it, knowing it would leave a scar. She stepped behind the glass shower doors and let the warm water pour down on her.
After about fifteen minutes, Angel walked into the bathroom wearing a pair of sweatpants. He grabbed a can of shaving cream and shook it, before lathering the cream on his face. "Did you sleep at all last night?" he asked, reaching for his razor.
"More than I did the night before," she replied warily.
"Maybe you should see a doctor. He might prescribe you some sleeping pills." He continued shaving, but turned away from the mirror to face her.
She shut off the water. "Will you hand me a towel?"
He grabbed the bath towel off its rack but held it out of her reach. "You need help. Have you thought about therapy?"
"I'm not suicidal, Angel. I don't need some therapist telling me how special I am."
He glared at her.
"Fine, I'll try to see a doctor about those pills sometime this afternoon."
He smiled and handed her the towel. "You want me to go with you? I have an extended break around one."
She wrapped the towel around herself. "Can we go tonight? I was going to try to sleep a little this afternoon."
Angel rinsed off his face and followed her into the bedroom. "Actually, Spike and I are going to a party that an old friend's having. You could come, if you feel up to it. Spike's driving, he'll pick us up around five and we're going to dinner first."
"No, that's okay. There's a movie on HBO I wanted to see," she said, making up an excuse. She wasn't really in a party mood.
"Maybe you and Cordy could go out. I saw her yesterday. She said something about Xander taking care of Tiffany for the weekend."
"Yeah, maybe," she replied unenthusiastically as she slipped on a pair of apartment pants and a tank top. She grabbed a brush off the top of her dresser and sat on the edge of the bed brushing her hair.
"Buffy, I'm worried about you. You haven't left the apartment since you moved in." He sat down beside her and took the brush out of her hand. He placed a kiss on her shoulder and brushed out her wet hair. "I just, I wish you would get out a little more."
"Okay, mom," she said sarcastically.
"Buffy."
"I'm going to the doctor today, aren't I?"
"That's not what I mean." He got up and walked over to his closet where he pulled out his "Staff" shirt and a pair of blue jeans. He quickly slipped them on.
"Maybe, I'll call her later, if it means you'll stop acting my dad."
"I don't mean to-"
"I know. You're just trying to help. Don't you have to go to work soon?"
"Yeah, I'm leaving. I'll be back around one to give you a ride." He gave her a quick peck and left.
Angel came back at one, just as he promised, and took Buffy to get a prescription for the sleeping pills. They went to the drug store to pick them up, then Angel dropped Buffy off at the apartment and went back to work. Later, he wasn't home for long before Spike came to pick him up. Now, Buffy sat on the couch flipping through the pages of the latest issue of "Cosmo". After reading the article about birth control for the third time, she picked up the phone and called Cordelia. After three rings, she picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Cordy, what are you doing tonight?"
"My friend Harmony's having a party, but I don't know anyone with a car who's going. So I guess I'm not doing anything," she replied.
"Angel left his car here. He won't be back until late tonight, so he'll never know if we took it. You'll have to drive though 'cause I don't have a license."
"I don't know. This isn't any Nancy Drew book club. It's not really your kind of party."
"I'll be fine. What time do you want to leave?"
"I can be ready in thirty minutes. Are you at Angel's?"
"Yeah."
"I'll meet you there."
Buffy hung up the phone and walked into the bedroom. He eye's gazed over the shirts in her closet. "Why do I have to be such a fucking Mary Jo?" she asked herself. She finally decided on a crimson camisole that she usually wore under thin sweaters. She grabbed the mini leather skirt and knee high boots from her date with Angel when she tried to prove that she wasn't too prude for him. She completed the outfit with a belly chain she had almost forgotten she owned. She left her hair down wild and loose. She quickly put on some dark red lipstick and lots of black eyeliner. Just as she finished, she heard the doorbell ring. "Coming," she called as she grabbed her purse and Angel's car keys.
When Cordy and Buffy arrived at Harmony's apartment, there were cars parked all down the street. They parked two blocks away and walk. They had to push their way through people a crowd of people to get through the door. There were more kegs then Buffy had ever seen in her whole life.
"I'm going to say 'hi' to Harm," Cordelia yelled over the loud music.
Buffy nodded, not really sure what Cordy said.
Cordelia walked off leaving her standing by herself. Buffy leaned against the wall and she could feel the music vibrating in against her.
"Pretty lame party, huh?"
She turned around to find a dark haired guy talking to her. "It's not really my kind of thing."
"I'm Scott."
"Buffy."
"You want a drink or something?"
"Yeah, sure," she replied with uncertainty.
He returned with two red plastic cups in his hands. He handed one to her. "So, if this isn't your kind of party then why are you here?"
"My friend really wanted to come. It's better than sitting at home all night."
"Yeah, I'm friends with Harm's boyfriend, so I got dragged into going. It's good to know there's someone else whose idea of fun isn't watching a bunch of drunk guys throw up all over each other."
Buffy laughed.
"So Buffy, do you have a boyfriend?" he asked, not wanting to over step his bounds.
"Sort of."
"Sort of?"
"We're going through some tough times right now, but we're working on it."
"Oh, I'm sorry," he responded, not really sure what to say.
They spent the rest of the night talking about Buffy's relationship with Angel. At first she felt awkward telling a complete stranger about something so personal, but with each drink she loosened up a little. After the fifth she eventually told him everything there was to possibly say. When four hours had gone by, she remembered she had to get Angel's car back to the apartment before he got home. She looked all over before she found Cordelia in the bedroom making out with someone she recognized from the Sunnydale High varsity football team. When she walked in on them, his hand was up Cordy's shirt and she was starting to unbutton his pants.
She cleared her throat. "Sorry to interrupt, but we have to go," she said uncomfortably.
Cordy looked up at her. "Just give me five minutes."
Buffy could feel the blood rush to her face. "Um. okay, just. ah. hurry up." She quickly closed the door and went down stairs to get another drink.
It was exactly five minutes later when Cordy met Buffy at the car. "Are you sure you should be driving?" Buffy asked her as Cordelia climbed into the drivers seat.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Cordy, you're pretty wasted. Maybe you should have someone else drive."
"Like who? You? You don't even have a license and you're just as drunk as I am."
"I could ask Scott to drive us."
"Who's Scott?" she asked.
"This guy I was talking to."
"Buffy, never let some guy you just met at one of these parties take you home unless you want to be kidnapped. I drive like this all the time. It's totally safe," Cordy assured her.
Buffy sat down in the passenger seat, ignoring the voice in her head telling her not to get in the car.
Cordy pulled out of the parking space and sped through the lot. She made a sharp turn into the road and turned up the volume on the radio so the car vibrated to the beat of the music. "We should take Angel's car more often. He has a killer sound system! How much did he spend on it?" Cordelia yelled over the music.
"I'm not sure, but he'll kill me if we do anything to mess it up."
"You know what you need? You need to loosen up and live a little." She purposely swerved around the road. "So what's up with you and Angel? You guys are like a freaking roller coaster."
"I'm not sure," Buffy said, still edgy. She glanced at the speedometer. They were going ninety in a forty-five zone. "Cordy, slow down a little."
"You need to chill! I'm in total control, quit worrying." She took both hands off the wheel. "Look! No hands!" She said laughing.
"Stop it," Buffy said laughing.
The road took a sharp turn and they were heading straight towards a large tree. "Cordy, look out!" Buffy screamed. She frantically reached over for the wheel, but it was too late. The car smashed into the tree and everything went black.
"Hey, you want to pass me another beer?" Angel said to Spike who was standing next to the cooler filled with drinks.
Spike grabbed a can of Budweiser and tossed it to him.
"Thanks, man. Where'd Dru go?" Angel asked him.
"She was just here a second ago." Spike looked around the room. "Oh, bloody hell!" he said when he spotted her making out with another girl.
Angel fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter when he saw her.
"I'll be back," Spike said as he walked off to go find his girlfriend.
Just as Spike started to walk off Angel's cell phone vibrated in his pocket. He flipped it open. "Yeah?" he answered, distractedly.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. We took your car and we went to this party-" Buffy rushed between sobs.
"Buff, slow down! What happened? Where are you?" Angel asked calmly as he covered one ear with his hand to block out the band so he could hear her better.
"I'm so sorry," she cried.
"It's okay," he said, attempting to sooth her. "What happened?"
"There was an accident. Cordy was driving. We're at the hospital. You need to get down here."
"I'll be there in twenty minutes. Just try to calm down." He hung up the phone and hurried to where Spike was trying to pry Dru apart from the girl. "I need your car. I have to go to the hospital."
"Sure, mate." Spike handed him his car keys and Angel pushed his way through the hoards of people, trying to get outside.
Angel rushed into the hospital's waiting room. When he got there Buffy was pacing back and forth. She was still wearing the outfit she had put on earlier for the party.
"Angel! Thank God, you're here." She ran into his arms when she saw him.
He placed tiny feather light kissed across her crown. "You're okay," he said in between kisses, more to himself than to her.
He pulled out of her tight embrace, but still held on to her shoulders. "Tell me what happened."
"Cordy's friend had a party and we borrowed your car. Oh God! I'm so sorry. I didn't think we'd be drinking. Please don't be mad." She started sobbing again.
"I don't care about the damn car. What happened after that?"
"We were driving home and we were drunk. I think I still am. I knew I shouldn't have let her drive, but she promised everything would be fine. We were screwing around and being stupid. She was speeding, pushing ninety. The road curved and I tried to grab the wheel, but there wasn't enough time and we hit a tree. I blacked out and when I woke up the paramedics were pulling Cordy out of the car. Her side of the car was crushed and she was trapped. She was unconscious and there was blood everywhere. I didn't even think someone had that much blood in them. Angel, I'm so worried. She still hasn't woken up and the doctors won't tell me anything because I'm not family." Even though Angel was holding on to her, her body was still shaking.
He pulled her back into his arms and stroked her hair. "Don't worry, I'm sure she's going to be fine."
The funeral was held on a sunny Thursday morning, outside in the Sunnydale cemetery. It was a warm day, but the kind of warm that sent chills down your spine. Xander, Tiffany, Cordelia's mom, Buffy, Angel and Willow were all given white roses to place on the casket after the sermon. After the funeral there was a reception that Mr. Giles held as a favor to Cordelia's mom who didn't feel she could deal with planning it herself. The casket was placed in Rupert's living room surrounded by yellow flowers, Cordelia's favorite color. Because she'd dropped out of high school after she found out she was pregnant, Cordelia didn't have a graduation picture on her casket, and they used her junior class picture instead.
Buffy was sitting on the couch leafing through a photo album of Cordelia's life when her dad sat down next to her.
"How are you doing?" he asked.
"I thought when you we're drunk you weren't supposed to remember things so vividly."
Mr. Giles gave her a sad smile. "You've been really brave Buffy. I'm proud of you." He touched her hair.
"How can you be proud of me? I'm the reason she's dead in the first place," she said, still looking at the photo album.
"Buffy, you can't blame yourself for what happened."
"If I didn't give her the car, she'd still be alive. I knew she was drunk, but I let her drive anyway."
"When your mom died, I kept thinking 'What if I never left her? She'd probably still be alive,' but I can't change what happened. Some people would tell you it was God's will."
"There's no such thing as God," she said dryly.
"If that's what you want to believe."
Angel approached them. "Mr. Giles."
Rupert stood up and put his hand on Angel's shoulder. "Take good care of her son," he said and left them alone.
"Are you okay?" Angel asked her.
"Why does everybody keep asking me that? I saw her die! How do you think I'm doing?"
"I think you dad's right. I think you need to stop blaming yourself," he said softly.
"I can't believe this! First my dad, now you! Alright, I'm listening, tell me how this is all a part of God's plan," she snapped angrily.
"It's not. I don't understand death Buffy and I'm not going to try to make up bogus explanation, but you're never going to be able to move on if you keep blaming yourself. Things happen that are out of your control and there's nothing you can do about it. Cordelia will have a small place in your heart that no one else can touch. In a way, she'll become a small part of you, but first you have to stop blaming yourself and let her in."
She took the pictures off her lap and stood up to hug him. "When did you become such an expert on death?" Her voice was muffled by his tux.
"I'm an orphan. I've lost a lot of people. We can leave whenever you want to."
"No. There's someone I need to talk to first." She let go of him and walked off.
Xander was sitting on the floor of the family room playing with Tiffany. Buffy sat down next to them. "Am I interrupting something?"
Xander brought his gaze up from the baby to her. "You're the last person I expect to be talking to me right now."
"I forgive you, you know."
"How can you?" he asked her, confused.
"I just can. Besides, you're going to need all the help you can get. It's going to be hard, raising a baby all by yourself."
"Your mom did it and you turned out to be the perfect child from a parent's point of view."
"Believe me, I'm not the perfect child. I'm a spoiled brat."
"I can't argue with that."
She hit him playfully before turning serious again. "My mom didn't have me when she was eighteen."
"I know it's going to be hard, but I'm glad I have Tiffany. Now I'll always have Cordy with me. Every time I look into Tiff's eyes, I see a little bit of Cordy smiling back at me. She always pretended she hated being a mother, but really, she wouldn't trade the world for it. I just wish Tiff had the chance to see what a wonderful woman her mom was." He smiled as he watched Tiffany throw her teething ring across the floor and let out a tiny giggle as she watched it bounce.
"She knows."
"She's four months old. I don't even think she remembers what happened five minutes ago."
"Mothers and daughters have a weird connection. I can't explain it, but she knows."
Xander reached out and picked the teething ring up off the floor and put it in the diaper bag. He put the bag over his shoulder and picked up Tiffany. "I have to change her, then I think we're going home. I can't stay here much longer."
"If you ever need a babysitter, you know where to find me," she said as she stood up.
"Tell Angel I'm sorry," he said before turning away.
She smiled and nodded.
Angel was waiting outside for her by his rental car. "Hey," he said when she walked towards him.
"Sorry that took so long."
"No problem. You want to go get lunch or something?"
"I'm not really hungry."
"Okay, we can just go home then," he said as he walked around the car to get into the driver's seat.
"Actually Angel, can we take a walk? There's something we need to talk about." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear nervously.
"Yeah sure, if that's what you want." He walked back around the car and took her hand as they started to stroll down the sidewalk.
"A few minutes before the accident, Cordelia said something that I can't stop thinking about. She said you and I were a roller coaster and she was right. I don't know how much longer I can ride."
"I've been thinking about this a lot too," he admitted.
"Ever since Xander, something's missing and I can't pin point it, but it doesn't feel right." She paused, terrified by the reality of how he would respond to what she would say next. "I want to know where you see us in the future."
Angel didn't say anything for a while. He didn't want to admit the truth. "I don't."
She stopped walking turned around to face her. "What's happening to us?" She was fighting tears.
"Do you really want me to answer that?" he asked. He didn't want to hear the answer coming from his mouth.
"I want you to lie to me."
"We're going to be fine." He wrapped his arm around her and they continued walking.
Epilogue:
Angel cleaned out his storage room and transformed it into Buffy's bedroom. They had decided to see other people, but stay roommates. Buffy was single but Angel resorted back to his old ways, sleeping around, but never with anyone of any importance. Buffy volunteered to start visiting schools in Cordelia's honor, telling of the dangers of drunk driving. In September, Buffy started college at UC Sunnydale, where Angel began his junior year. Xander got a job working at the local Wal-Mart and Buffy tried to help him out by babysitting Tiffany as much as possible when he was working. When school started her schedule didn't allow her much time for childcare. Cordelia's mom decided she wanted to be involved in her granddaughter's life and agreed to baby-sit Tiffany during the day while Xander was at work. Willow and Oz did eventually sleep together and he became her first long-term relationship, but they broke up after his band went on tour. Willow had trouble coping with the idea that Oz had groupies.
Author's note: It's finally finished! I'm probably going to take a short break and write stand alones for a while, but if you're interested in a sequel, tell me. I have a few ideas, but nothing big so email me your ideas or tell me in a review. As always, feedback is much appreciated. midnitecowgirl710@hotmail.com
I'd also like to make a quick shout out to everyone who has sent me their reviews. You guys are what kept me going. This story has taken over a year to write and you guys were really patient, thanks! (
Buffy lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Angel was sleeping next to her with his arm casually draped around her stomach. She ran her fingertips up and down his arm, watching goosebumps form on his skin. She hadn't gotten much sleep lately and her appearance confirmed it. Her eyes were red and she could swear she had bags under her bags. She knew that the instant she fell asleep her mind would replay the night Xander raped her. She hadn't seen him since that night, but he was still controlling her life. Because her dad was never home and she felt unsafe alone, she'd moved into Angel's apartment. She'd missed a lot of work, calling in sick every morning. Faith had even come over one day and made her tomato soup. She'd gone through Angel's movie collection and memorized the entire "American Beauty" script. She'd watched every episode of "Sopranos" on DVD. She'd discovered she could order pizza at 1 AM. She knew that reruns of "Saturday Night Live" were on Comedy Central at 3 AM and at two in the morning she'd watch "Golden Girls" on the Lifetime channel. She saw a man eat one hundred and fifty spiders and learned that 7up came before Sprite. She had a lot of time to think about things like her relationship with Angel. He'd closed off a part of himself from her and had become distant. He still loved her and he always would, this she knew, but something wasn't right. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but she knew that their relationship had been somehow scarred.
Angel mumbled incoherently in his sleep, interrupting her thoughts. She rolled over and glanced at the digital alarm clock on the nightstand. 6:45 AM. She slid out of bed, careful not to wake him, and made her way to the bathroom. Not bothering to close the door behind herself, she turned on the shower, giving the water time to warm up. She stripped off her pajamas and looked at her nude body in the mirror. Most of her bruises had faded and the rest were only barely visible. She still had a cut on her side, but it was slowly healing. Angel had insisted she needed stitches, but she refused to go to the hospital. She just put gauze and some medical tape on it, knowing it would leave a scar. She stepped behind the glass shower doors and let the warm water pour down on her.
After about fifteen minutes, Angel walked into the bathroom wearing a pair of sweatpants. He grabbed a can of shaving cream and shook it, before lathering the cream on his face. "Did you sleep at all last night?" he asked, reaching for his razor.
"More than I did the night before," she replied warily.
"Maybe you should see a doctor. He might prescribe you some sleeping pills." He continued shaving, but turned away from the mirror to face her.
She shut off the water. "Will you hand me a towel?"
He grabbed the bath towel off its rack but held it out of her reach. "You need help. Have you thought about therapy?"
"I'm not suicidal, Angel. I don't need some therapist telling me how special I am."
He glared at her.
"Fine, I'll try to see a doctor about those pills sometime this afternoon."
He smiled and handed her the towel. "You want me to go with you? I have an extended break around one."
She wrapped the towel around herself. "Can we go tonight? I was going to try to sleep a little this afternoon."
Angel rinsed off his face and followed her into the bedroom. "Actually, Spike and I are going to a party that an old friend's having. You could come, if you feel up to it. Spike's driving, he'll pick us up around five and we're going to dinner first."
"No, that's okay. There's a movie on HBO I wanted to see," she said, making up an excuse. She wasn't really in a party mood.
"Maybe you and Cordy could go out. I saw her yesterday. She said something about Xander taking care of Tiffany for the weekend."
"Yeah, maybe," she replied unenthusiastically as she slipped on a pair of apartment pants and a tank top. She grabbed a brush off the top of her dresser and sat on the edge of the bed brushing her hair.
"Buffy, I'm worried about you. You haven't left the apartment since you moved in." He sat down beside her and took the brush out of her hand. He placed a kiss on her shoulder and brushed out her wet hair. "I just, I wish you would get out a little more."
"Okay, mom," she said sarcastically.
"Buffy."
"I'm going to the doctor today, aren't I?"
"That's not what I mean." He got up and walked over to his closet where he pulled out his "Staff" shirt and a pair of blue jeans. He quickly slipped them on.
"Maybe, I'll call her later, if it means you'll stop acting my dad."
"I don't mean to-"
"I know. You're just trying to help. Don't you have to go to work soon?"
"Yeah, I'm leaving. I'll be back around one to give you a ride." He gave her a quick peck and left.
Angel came back at one, just as he promised, and took Buffy to get a prescription for the sleeping pills. They went to the drug store to pick them up, then Angel dropped Buffy off at the apartment and went back to work. Later, he wasn't home for long before Spike came to pick him up. Now, Buffy sat on the couch flipping through the pages of the latest issue of "Cosmo". After reading the article about birth control for the third time, she picked up the phone and called Cordelia. After three rings, she picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Cordy, what are you doing tonight?"
"My friend Harmony's having a party, but I don't know anyone with a car who's going. So I guess I'm not doing anything," she replied.
"Angel left his car here. He won't be back until late tonight, so he'll never know if we took it. You'll have to drive though 'cause I don't have a license."
"I don't know. This isn't any Nancy Drew book club. It's not really your kind of party."
"I'll be fine. What time do you want to leave?"
"I can be ready in thirty minutes. Are you at Angel's?"
"Yeah."
"I'll meet you there."
Buffy hung up the phone and walked into the bedroom. He eye's gazed over the shirts in her closet. "Why do I have to be such a fucking Mary Jo?" she asked herself. She finally decided on a crimson camisole that she usually wore under thin sweaters. She grabbed the mini leather skirt and knee high boots from her date with Angel when she tried to prove that she wasn't too prude for him. She completed the outfit with a belly chain she had almost forgotten she owned. She left her hair down wild and loose. She quickly put on some dark red lipstick and lots of black eyeliner. Just as she finished, she heard the doorbell ring. "Coming," she called as she grabbed her purse and Angel's car keys.
When Cordy and Buffy arrived at Harmony's apartment, there were cars parked all down the street. They parked two blocks away and walk. They had to push their way through people a crowd of people to get through the door. There were more kegs then Buffy had ever seen in her whole life.
"I'm going to say 'hi' to Harm," Cordelia yelled over the loud music.
Buffy nodded, not really sure what Cordy said.
Cordelia walked off leaving her standing by herself. Buffy leaned against the wall and she could feel the music vibrating in against her.
"Pretty lame party, huh?"
She turned around to find a dark haired guy talking to her. "It's not really my kind of thing."
"I'm Scott."
"Buffy."
"You want a drink or something?"
"Yeah, sure," she replied with uncertainty.
He returned with two red plastic cups in his hands. He handed one to her. "So, if this isn't your kind of party then why are you here?"
"My friend really wanted to come. It's better than sitting at home all night."
"Yeah, I'm friends with Harm's boyfriend, so I got dragged into going. It's good to know there's someone else whose idea of fun isn't watching a bunch of drunk guys throw up all over each other."
Buffy laughed.
"So Buffy, do you have a boyfriend?" he asked, not wanting to over step his bounds.
"Sort of."
"Sort of?"
"We're going through some tough times right now, but we're working on it."
"Oh, I'm sorry," he responded, not really sure what to say.
They spent the rest of the night talking about Buffy's relationship with Angel. At first she felt awkward telling a complete stranger about something so personal, but with each drink she loosened up a little. After the fifth she eventually told him everything there was to possibly say. When four hours had gone by, she remembered she had to get Angel's car back to the apartment before he got home. She looked all over before she found Cordelia in the bedroom making out with someone she recognized from the Sunnydale High varsity football team. When she walked in on them, his hand was up Cordy's shirt and she was starting to unbutton his pants.
She cleared her throat. "Sorry to interrupt, but we have to go," she said uncomfortably.
Cordy looked up at her. "Just give me five minutes."
Buffy could feel the blood rush to her face. "Um. okay, just. ah. hurry up." She quickly closed the door and went down stairs to get another drink.
It was exactly five minutes later when Cordy met Buffy at the car. "Are you sure you should be driving?" Buffy asked her as Cordelia climbed into the drivers seat.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"Cordy, you're pretty wasted. Maybe you should have someone else drive."
"Like who? You? You don't even have a license and you're just as drunk as I am."
"I could ask Scott to drive us."
"Who's Scott?" she asked.
"This guy I was talking to."
"Buffy, never let some guy you just met at one of these parties take you home unless you want to be kidnapped. I drive like this all the time. It's totally safe," Cordy assured her.
Buffy sat down in the passenger seat, ignoring the voice in her head telling her not to get in the car.
Cordy pulled out of the parking space and sped through the lot. She made a sharp turn into the road and turned up the volume on the radio so the car vibrated to the beat of the music. "We should take Angel's car more often. He has a killer sound system! How much did he spend on it?" Cordelia yelled over the music.
"I'm not sure, but he'll kill me if we do anything to mess it up."
"You know what you need? You need to loosen up and live a little." She purposely swerved around the road. "So what's up with you and Angel? You guys are like a freaking roller coaster."
"I'm not sure," Buffy said, still edgy. She glanced at the speedometer. They were going ninety in a forty-five zone. "Cordy, slow down a little."
"You need to chill! I'm in total control, quit worrying." She took both hands off the wheel. "Look! No hands!" She said laughing.
"Stop it," Buffy said laughing.
The road took a sharp turn and they were heading straight towards a large tree. "Cordy, look out!" Buffy screamed. She frantically reached over for the wheel, but it was too late. The car smashed into the tree and everything went black.
"Hey, you want to pass me another beer?" Angel said to Spike who was standing next to the cooler filled with drinks.
Spike grabbed a can of Budweiser and tossed it to him.
"Thanks, man. Where'd Dru go?" Angel asked him.
"She was just here a second ago." Spike looked around the room. "Oh, bloody hell!" he said when he spotted her making out with another girl.
Angel fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter when he saw her.
"I'll be back," Spike said as he walked off to go find his girlfriend.
Just as Spike started to walk off Angel's cell phone vibrated in his pocket. He flipped it open. "Yeah?" he answered, distractedly.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. We took your car and we went to this party-" Buffy rushed between sobs.
"Buff, slow down! What happened? Where are you?" Angel asked calmly as he covered one ear with his hand to block out the band so he could hear her better.
"I'm so sorry," she cried.
"It's okay," he said, attempting to sooth her. "What happened?"
"There was an accident. Cordy was driving. We're at the hospital. You need to get down here."
"I'll be there in twenty minutes. Just try to calm down." He hung up the phone and hurried to where Spike was trying to pry Dru apart from the girl. "I need your car. I have to go to the hospital."
"Sure, mate." Spike handed him his car keys and Angel pushed his way through the hoards of people, trying to get outside.
Angel rushed into the hospital's waiting room. When he got there Buffy was pacing back and forth. She was still wearing the outfit she had put on earlier for the party.
"Angel! Thank God, you're here." She ran into his arms when she saw him.
He placed tiny feather light kissed across her crown. "You're okay," he said in between kisses, more to himself than to her.
He pulled out of her tight embrace, but still held on to her shoulders. "Tell me what happened."
"Cordy's friend had a party and we borrowed your car. Oh God! I'm so sorry. I didn't think we'd be drinking. Please don't be mad." She started sobbing again.
"I don't care about the damn car. What happened after that?"
"We were driving home and we were drunk. I think I still am. I knew I shouldn't have let her drive, but she promised everything would be fine. We were screwing around and being stupid. She was speeding, pushing ninety. The road curved and I tried to grab the wheel, but there wasn't enough time and we hit a tree. I blacked out and when I woke up the paramedics were pulling Cordy out of the car. Her side of the car was crushed and she was trapped. She was unconscious and there was blood everywhere. I didn't even think someone had that much blood in them. Angel, I'm so worried. She still hasn't woken up and the doctors won't tell me anything because I'm not family." Even though Angel was holding on to her, her body was still shaking.
He pulled her back into his arms and stroked her hair. "Don't worry, I'm sure she's going to be fine."
The funeral was held on a sunny Thursday morning, outside in the Sunnydale cemetery. It was a warm day, but the kind of warm that sent chills down your spine. Xander, Tiffany, Cordelia's mom, Buffy, Angel and Willow were all given white roses to place on the casket after the sermon. After the funeral there was a reception that Mr. Giles held as a favor to Cordelia's mom who didn't feel she could deal with planning it herself. The casket was placed in Rupert's living room surrounded by yellow flowers, Cordelia's favorite color. Because she'd dropped out of high school after she found out she was pregnant, Cordelia didn't have a graduation picture on her casket, and they used her junior class picture instead.
Buffy was sitting on the couch leafing through a photo album of Cordelia's life when her dad sat down next to her.
"How are you doing?" he asked.
"I thought when you we're drunk you weren't supposed to remember things so vividly."
Mr. Giles gave her a sad smile. "You've been really brave Buffy. I'm proud of you." He touched her hair.
"How can you be proud of me? I'm the reason she's dead in the first place," she said, still looking at the photo album.
"Buffy, you can't blame yourself for what happened."
"If I didn't give her the car, she'd still be alive. I knew she was drunk, but I let her drive anyway."
"When your mom died, I kept thinking 'What if I never left her? She'd probably still be alive,' but I can't change what happened. Some people would tell you it was God's will."
"There's no such thing as God," she said dryly.
"If that's what you want to believe."
Angel approached them. "Mr. Giles."
Rupert stood up and put his hand on Angel's shoulder. "Take good care of her son," he said and left them alone.
"Are you okay?" Angel asked her.
"Why does everybody keep asking me that? I saw her die! How do you think I'm doing?"
"I think you dad's right. I think you need to stop blaming yourself," he said softly.
"I can't believe this! First my dad, now you! Alright, I'm listening, tell me how this is all a part of God's plan," she snapped angrily.
"It's not. I don't understand death Buffy and I'm not going to try to make up bogus explanation, but you're never going to be able to move on if you keep blaming yourself. Things happen that are out of your control and there's nothing you can do about it. Cordelia will have a small place in your heart that no one else can touch. In a way, she'll become a small part of you, but first you have to stop blaming yourself and let her in."
She took the pictures off her lap and stood up to hug him. "When did you become such an expert on death?" Her voice was muffled by his tux.
"I'm an orphan. I've lost a lot of people. We can leave whenever you want to."
"No. There's someone I need to talk to first." She let go of him and walked off.
Xander was sitting on the floor of the family room playing with Tiffany. Buffy sat down next to them. "Am I interrupting something?"
Xander brought his gaze up from the baby to her. "You're the last person I expect to be talking to me right now."
"I forgive you, you know."
"How can you?" he asked her, confused.
"I just can. Besides, you're going to need all the help you can get. It's going to be hard, raising a baby all by yourself."
"Your mom did it and you turned out to be the perfect child from a parent's point of view."
"Believe me, I'm not the perfect child. I'm a spoiled brat."
"I can't argue with that."
She hit him playfully before turning serious again. "My mom didn't have me when she was eighteen."
"I know it's going to be hard, but I'm glad I have Tiffany. Now I'll always have Cordy with me. Every time I look into Tiff's eyes, I see a little bit of Cordy smiling back at me. She always pretended she hated being a mother, but really, she wouldn't trade the world for it. I just wish Tiff had the chance to see what a wonderful woman her mom was." He smiled as he watched Tiffany throw her teething ring across the floor and let out a tiny giggle as she watched it bounce.
"She knows."
"She's four months old. I don't even think she remembers what happened five minutes ago."
"Mothers and daughters have a weird connection. I can't explain it, but she knows."
Xander reached out and picked the teething ring up off the floor and put it in the diaper bag. He put the bag over his shoulder and picked up Tiffany. "I have to change her, then I think we're going home. I can't stay here much longer."
"If you ever need a babysitter, you know where to find me," she said as she stood up.
"Tell Angel I'm sorry," he said before turning away.
She smiled and nodded.
Angel was waiting outside for her by his rental car. "Hey," he said when she walked towards him.
"Sorry that took so long."
"No problem. You want to go get lunch or something?"
"I'm not really hungry."
"Okay, we can just go home then," he said as he walked around the car to get into the driver's seat.
"Actually Angel, can we take a walk? There's something we need to talk about." She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear nervously.
"Yeah sure, if that's what you want." He walked back around the car and took her hand as they started to stroll down the sidewalk.
"A few minutes before the accident, Cordelia said something that I can't stop thinking about. She said you and I were a roller coaster and she was right. I don't know how much longer I can ride."
"I've been thinking about this a lot too," he admitted.
"Ever since Xander, something's missing and I can't pin point it, but it doesn't feel right." She paused, terrified by the reality of how he would respond to what she would say next. "I want to know where you see us in the future."
Angel didn't say anything for a while. He didn't want to admit the truth. "I don't."
She stopped walking turned around to face her. "What's happening to us?" She was fighting tears.
"Do you really want me to answer that?" he asked. He didn't want to hear the answer coming from his mouth.
"I want you to lie to me."
"We're going to be fine." He wrapped his arm around her and they continued walking.
Epilogue:
Angel cleaned out his storage room and transformed it into Buffy's bedroom. They had decided to see other people, but stay roommates. Buffy was single but Angel resorted back to his old ways, sleeping around, but never with anyone of any importance. Buffy volunteered to start visiting schools in Cordelia's honor, telling of the dangers of drunk driving. In September, Buffy started college at UC Sunnydale, where Angel began his junior year. Xander got a job working at the local Wal-Mart and Buffy tried to help him out by babysitting Tiffany as much as possible when he was working. When school started her schedule didn't allow her much time for childcare. Cordelia's mom decided she wanted to be involved in her granddaughter's life and agreed to baby-sit Tiffany during the day while Xander was at work. Willow and Oz did eventually sleep together and he became her first long-term relationship, but they broke up after his band went on tour. Willow had trouble coping with the idea that Oz had groupies.
Author's note: It's finally finished! I'm probably going to take a short break and write stand alones for a while, but if you're interested in a sequel, tell me. I have a few ideas, but nothing big so email me your ideas or tell me in a review. As always, feedback is much appreciated. midnitecowgirl710@hotmail.com