[The Scoobies learn who Connor is, and react with varying amounts of shock and disgust. Xander is very upset that Anya slept with Angel's boy. Spike and Angelus have a few words for each other. And Buffy tries to keep her composure and solve the problem.]

Connor's cover was blown. Even worse, they knew his father. Even worse than that, Buffy and daddy had some relationship which Connor regarded as nothing less than a sin against nature. He resolved to make the best of the new situation. He runs over to Buffy's house, climbs up the back of the house, and knocks on Dawn's window. At first, she is frightened. Then she sees Connor. She is less frightened, though still a little wigged. She opens her window.

CONNOR: Wanna go out? No demon hunting. I promise. Just to talk, and whatever.

Dawn turns around. Her heart's racing. This sounds almost like a date.

DAWN: I'll be down in a second.

Connor leaps to the ground below. Dawn panics a bit. She wasn't expecting this. She combs her hair. Puts on a little make-up. Quickly changes. Then climbs out the window and falls awkwardly to the ground. She's wearing tan boots, a tan skirt, and a black short-sleeved shirt. She takes one look at Connor and realizes she might be a tad overdressed.

DAWN: Is this okay? I can change if —

CONNOR: You look nice.

Dawn's relieved. Then she notices he's slightly more bruised than usual.

DAWN: What happened to your face?

CONNOR: It was nothing.

He takes her hand. They head out.

CONNOR: Dawn, there's something I need to tell you about myself.

ANGELUS: You finally got us alone. And you don't care whether or not we have a soul. I hope you're not thinking threesome, because I'll tell you the same thing I told Dru.

SPIKE: You told Dru yes. I'm the one who said no.

ANGELUS: You really are a sap. I knew Buffy came back a little disconnected from this reality. Wasn't too happy with the deal she had been re-dealt. So she uses you as a pick-me-up. Makes sense. You're available. Willing to be treated like dirt. Desperate for a shag. But you get addicted. Decide you need to take the plunge, get souled. I know about those "Prove you're a mini-champion, Make a wish" dives. Don't think any vampire's ever been so down on his luck he'd actually WANT a soul. Demon must have been laughing his virtual head off. But then things get even more pathetic. Way I see it, Buffy's made you her palace eunuch. All that trouble, everything you did for her, and she's dating some other guy. And you take it! Ain't fortune a bitch? Uncursed soul. You can sleep with her! You boned her when you were evil! But now she doesn't want you.

BUFFY: Would you two like to be alone?

ANGELUS: She doesn't even notice you. Doesn't stick up for you. What do YOU get out this partnership, Spike?

SPIKE: You'd be amazed.

BUFFY: I'll be happy to take off. Unless you're in the mood for another fight. Otherwise Angel, you're just boring me. Maybe you're off your game tonight.

ANGELUS: Shows how little you know. That seems to be the theme of the evening. By the way, you might be wondering about Cordy. When did the sparks start flying? It wasn't after your death. Angel cried himself dry on your gravestone — cute elegy, though a touch irreverent for an eternal resting place. Maybe that's why it didn't take. Then Angel fled halfway across the globe, spent four months in Nepal meditating. Granted, since meditation is all about breathing and controlling your heart rate, he was just pretending. Needed to be alone with his thoughts. Of course Angel blamed himself. Felt that he should have been there to save you. Then you come back. It's like his world is alive again. Still, Cordy's started to martyr herself for Angel, and you know how he loves that. But his soul still belongs to you. Then Connor comes into his world. And when he looks into his baby's boy's eyes, Angel forgets all about Buffy. All he wants is to be a daddy, and to have Cordelia be the mommy.

Alas, the family fantasy turns into a Greek tragedy. You saw how Connor feels about her. And then Angel catches her sleeping with him! Still, when Angel's had enough of bashing his head into the wall and finally decides to chuck his soul, and the shaman gives Angel his dream of perfect happiness, you know who Angel sleeps with? Cordelia! After all that, he still chooses her over you. You know what his last words were? "Buffy, I'm so sorry." The beauty of this is, once you enter the story, the tragedy turns into a comedy. No matter what Angel does, no matter how much he forgets about you, you'll always love him. Even when he no longer loves you. Like Darla told you: the greatest tragedy is "loving a man who no longer loves you." Doesn't get any funnier than that.

Buffy turns around and runs away. Angelus laughs.

ANGELUS: But she breaks just like a little girl.

SPIKE: Never figured you for a Dylan fan.

ANGELUS: Me? Nah. Never been one to rage against the dying of the light.

Spike rolls his eyes and groans.

SPIKE: Did you sleep through the entire 1960s? And the 70s and the 80s for that matter? Cause I look at you, and I see a man frozen in time from fifty years ago. Still listening to your schmaltzy crooners and trying to be Marlon bloody Brando. "The Wild One" without his hog. With Angel it's "On the Waterfront." Standing up to the big evil. Ennobling yourself by taking your punishment. Angelus is what? Stanley Kowalski? "Streetcar Named Desire"?

Angelus looks up, pretends to rip his shirt off.

ANGELUS: Buffy! Buffy!!

They both laugh. Unfortunately, Angelus lacks the pop culture knowledge to lampoon Spike's persona.

ANGELUS: Spike. What can I say? Once upon a time, you had talent. Coulda been a champion. Coulda been a contender. But now here you are, being the very thing you've always mocked, devoting your life to a woman who can never love you.

SPIKE: This from a man who got cuckolded by his own son. Now I know for a fact that ever since Cordelia met you she's wanted nothing more than to wrap her legs round those velvet rims and strap her hands across your engines.

ANGELUS: Nice imagery. You been reading Jackie Collins?

SPIKE: Does your cluelessness know no bounds!? Have you even bought a record since they stopped making 78s? Now I get it. Connor doesn't hate you because you're evil. He hates you because you're lame! Anyway, back to Cordelia grinding against the loins of the fruit of your loins. Why do you think she would do such a thing?

ANGELUS: So she could give birth to an evil demigod that will enslave mankind?

SPIKE: That would be one explanation. Or it could be because women don't want to settle for a one-hit wonder.

ANGELUS: We're not talking about Cordy, are we Spike? And you're only making my point for me. Even though you can give Buffy what Angel can't, she'd still choose Angel. How much of a loser does that make you?

SPIKE: You knew the girl. You've never known the woman. And trust me, she's become a whole other animal. The things she does. The things she needs done to her. Makes Dru look like a nun.

ANGELUS: Dru was a nun.

SPIKE: Right. I forgot. My point is, she's not the little schoolgirl who doodled in her notebook for you.

ANGELUS: She told you about that?

SPIKE: I was just going with the stereotype. Bloody hell, she sure was vapid back in the day. Must be why I didn't care for her. Then again, I'm not like you. I don't have to go trolling for ingenues. You know why you love virgins? Because they don't know any better. They have nothing to compare you to. You've never stood up well to competition.

ANGELUS: Can you please remind me why you fell for Buffy in the first place? I know. It's because Dru liked ME better.

SPIKE: I loved Buffy because Dru left me? Dru said it was the other way around. By the way, why isn't she with you? I'm sure she felt it when you lost your soul. You know how she is with those things. But enough about the old battle ax. Let's talk about Darla. You shagged her when you had a soul. Couldn't resist. Can't say I blame you. But did you go back? Sorry Sybil, Janus, Hannibal Lector, whoever your role model is. I mean, did Angel go back for seconds?

ANGELUS: Darla wouldn't take him. She wanted me.

SPIKE: Bollocks. She'd take you any way she could get you. We both know that. Why didn't Angel go back? Because she was an evil, soulless demon. So was I. And Buffy came back. Again. And again. And again. And again. You can imagine how awful that made her soul feel. How degraded. Humiliated. Sub-human. And yet she couldn't resist.

ANGELUS: Like Mount Everest. You were there.

SPIKE: And so was Darla. But as good as she was, Angel stayed away. Buffy couldn't. How good does that make me?

ANGELUS: Nice in theory. But it falls apart when you get a soul and she gives you the cold shoulder. In the fairy tale you're spinning, once you become good there's no reason she wouldn't fall into your arms, declare her love, and live happily ever after with you. But that hasn't happened, has it Spike?

SPIKE: It takes time. Not because of the all nasty things she let me do to her. But because of all the awful things I did to her even when she said no. This is the part of the story I know you'll love.

At home, they're reading and watching television.

ANCHOR: A spokesperson for the actor insisted that the injuries were sustained in a motorcycle accident. And in a related story, who is Britney Spears' new mystery man?

ANYA: Doesn't that look a little like Angel?

WILLOW: No. Not really.

ANYA: I thinks it looks a lot like Angel.

WILLOW: Very funny.

ANYA: Okay. The picture is a side profile. And I only met him that one time. But I'm pretty sure that's him.

Buffy races into the house.

ANYA: She can help us. Buffy, does this look like — ?

BUFFY: Angel's here. And he's evil. And he's Connor's father.

XANDER: What! Can you run that by me again?

WILLOW: That last part kind of threw me, too.

GILES: Angelus has returned. You're saying this has something to do with that Connor chap?

BUFFY: Angel is Connor's father. Darla is his mother.

XANDER: Do you know what this means.

GILES: A human child of vampires.

ANDREW: I knew it!!! Didn't I say this last night? Didn't I!?

XANDER: All that time he was here, Angel was a deadbeat dad. What a scumbag. Hold on. How can this be happening?

WILLOW: I think we all have a lot of questions.

BUFFY: He was born sometime last year and grew up in another dimension.

XANDER: He abandoned his own child in another dimension? The cruelty of that evil, evil man. Who's Darla?

GILES: We saw her turn to dust six years ago.

BUFFY: She was resurrected.

XANDER: What is there, a rule? Sleep with Angel, get a free resurrection?

ANYA: If there's a better pickup line than that, well I haven't heard it.

WILLOW: Has this ever happened before? Ever?

GILES: No. There were a few crackpot prophesies about a child being born to vampires. No one ever took them seriously.

ANYA: The ones I've heard usually involve the end of the world.

ANDREW: A child unlike any other. Living in a world not his own. Torn between his vampire and human selves.

XANDER: Will you stop that? This is not a comic book. [he's breathing very fast] I need to lie down. Do you know what this means? Angel is breeding!!

ANYA: I know it kind of flew by, but did you also say something about him being evil?

BUFFY: Yes. He's lost his soul.

WILLOW: You're hurt. Did Angel do that?

BUFFY: He's all talk. These are from Connor. Before Angel arrived.

XANDER: So Connor IS evil? Of course. He's Angel's son! How could he not be evil? And he slept with Anya. My God! You did the nasty with Angel's demon seed.

MOLLY: Why would Connor hurt you?

AMANDA: So is he part vampire?

RONA: Which part?

VI: I don't think we wanna know.

Fadila raises her hand.

FADILA: Who's Angel?

BUFFY: Spike killed Robin's mother.

ANYA: When? Tonight? Last November?

GILES: In 1977. Nikki Wood. I should have known.

BUFFY: Robin tried to kill Spike. Connor tried to keep me from interfering.

XANDER: Connor wants Spike dead. Does that mean he's not evil?

WILLOW: This was before Angel came?

BUFFY: Yep. But that's all in the past.

XANDER: [hopefully] You mean Spike's dead?

Buffy glares at Xander.

BUFFY: No. Spike fought him off. Then Robin majorly wigged when Angel showed up. So did Connor.

GILES: That would be understandable. On both accounts. Why can't I stand up?

XANDER: Probably because you can't use your legs. Don't fight it.

GILES: Where is Angelus right now? Please don't tell me you left him alone.

BUFFY: Spike's keeping him busy. Willow, you know what to do. You have the supplies?

WILLOW: Supplies? For what? Oh! That. I think so. Give me a minute.

Kennedy's in their bedroom reading. Willow bursts in and rifles through her closets and drawers.

WILLOW: Orb of Thessala. Where are you? Gotcha. Okay, the spell. Which notebook did I put it in. Wait! It's probably still in my computer. What did I name that file? Jenny? Jenny! Print that out. There I go. Okay. Incense. Toad stools. Some ochre. And I'm in business.

KENNEDY: What's going on? Is there a problem?

WILLOW: Get your coat. I'll explain on the way. [they go downstairs]

Willow now understands the dream she had last night. Jenny Calendar deciphered the spell that restored Angel's soul, but not before he killed her. It was a portent. Kennedy, Willow and Buffy head out.

ANGELUS: On the bathroom floor? And she cried? Not bad. I'm sure I could have done it a lot better. Balcony scene was charming. Making her watch Xander and Willow was a nice touch. Still. I have to wonder. Why didn't you bite her? You obviously had plenty of chances. And trust me. She likes it. Gets off on it. All that Slayer blood, and you don't touch a drop. Were you afraid?

SPIKE: You haven't killed a Slayer, so you wouldn't understand. Tastes better when you earn it. Otherwise you're just a parasite. A mere scavenger.

ANGELUS: Bull. You were afraid she'd kill you.

SPIKE: You don't think I could have gotten away with that? After I got my soul, I went on a little bit of a bender. Killed ten people. And what do you think Buffy did? She said it wasn't my fault! Better yet, she had me move into her house.

ANGELUS: What about the chip? I heard about that. Can't believe you got Shanghaied by those GI Joes.

SPIKE: Buffy had them remove it. Said she trusted me. Free will and all that.

ANGELUS: You still don't get it. You're not her lover. You're her child. That's why she forgives you. Why she wants you at home. Why she spends time with you. You're her baby. She made you the whatever-it-is you are today. She taught you the difference between right and wrong. She wants to proud of her baby William. Wants you to succeed. It validates her as a parent.

FADILA: Who's Angel?

AMANDA: Buffy's old boyfriend.

MOLLY: He was her first.

MADARI: He's with the First?

AMANDA: No. Angel was her first —

FADILA: Buffy lost her virginity to a vampire?

ANYA: And then he went evil and started killing people all around town.

ARIELLA: Talk about a traumatic example of the dangers of sex before marriage.

AMANDA: No, it's just an example of the dangers of sex with vampires.

VI: I would've thought the dangers of that would be rather obvious.

MADARI: So Connor's not a boy Slayer. He's a boy vampire?

RONA: No. He's warm. And he has a heartbeat.

MOLLY: I remember how you found that out.

RONA: Oh! Like you weren't also all over him?

XANDER: And on top of everything else, you're like 1,000 times Connor's age!

ANYA: Preying mantis. Incan Mummy.

XANDER: Ancient history!

ANYA: Pre-Columbian, in the case of the latter. But what about your last date? The demon vixen who tied you to the wheel of pain?

XANDER: None of them were the children of Buffy's former boyfriend.

ANYA: How could I have possibly known who he was?

XANDER: It's just so creepy. And incestuous.

ANYA: That's ridiculous.

ANDREW: I wonder what dimension he grew up in. Maybe he was raised by Klingons. He has the plain-spoken, violent disposition of a Klingon. And they're bumpy and really strong like his parents.

Giles can't take any more of this chatter.

GILES: Look! I can use my legs. I'm going into the kitchen to make a few phone calls. Try get to the bottom of Connor's unprecedented existence. Just when you think you've seen everything.

SPIKE: So is this why you came back? Spook your son. Throw a few insults at Buffy. Sounds like a bloody waste of time. I know how to fix that. Let's have you do something memorable.

Takes two stakes out of his coat pocket. Tosses one to Angelus.

SPIKE: Care for a little fight to the death?

[Next: A Spike-Angelus rumble. Willow shows Angelus how powerful she's become. But Angelus has a surprise of his own. Giles talks to Wesley and discovers Connor isn't even close to the oddest thing that's happened in LA recently. Plus, Connor and Dawn play "Who's got the weirdest origin?" Buffy still has yet to work through her seething rage. Maybe she'll work take it out on Connor.]