A/N Thanks so much to sodapop c, moony*padfoot, Ratty, The Laguna,
harryluvzginny (just wondering what bumpbump meant?), houdinishideaway,
hpfan87, hotaru420, number1princess and annskers for all reviewing my last
chapter. It means so much to me! This chapter is in the perspective of
Hermione Granger (again.) But I promise that the next chapter will be
another journal entry from Draco. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. (It is
a little bit depressing.)
Disclaimer Don't sue me, I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter, and I also don't own the song: Last Resort.
Chapter 8 - Guilty Conscience
Though I was sitting in the library next to Harry and in front of Ron, staring at "Hogwarts - A History," I was just not with it. My mind was once again, elsewhere. I couldn't help it, but instead of dreaming about my boyfriend Viktor, I was thinking of the boy with blonde hair, Draco. I felt so guilty. For more than one reason. Not only had I cheated on Viktor, but also lied Draco about falling for him. What has gotten into me lately? It didn't make sense. Why did I keep going back to Draco? It was like I was addicted to his love or something. I don't know, it just wasn't me at all. I have changed so much since last year. I can still remember how I used to a studious, innocent little girl. Where has that girl gone?
I can still remember absolutely everything that happened with Draco yesterday. Every touch, every look, every giggle. Why was I enjoying this so much? This isn't right, it is disgusting. It is like I have turned into, oh what did those muggles at my old school used to call it? That's right, it is like I have turned into a slut.
I most certainly do not want to be regarded as that type of person. I don't want to be "easy." I don't want to give Draco the greatest pleasures in the world. But there is nothing I can do. Whenever I am with him, all I can see it his masculine body, his amazing blue eyes, and of course, how big he is!
See, I'm doing it again. Yuck, this is so gross. I can't think about these things. I should not be thinking about these things. This is just plain wrong.
"Hermione, are you all right? You look like you're about to start crying or something." Ron said.
I looked away. I could not bear to look directly into his soft, caring eyes. Lately I have been pushing him away, and I know that he does not deserve it, but for some reason, I just can not stop. I remember a couple of years ago, when I used to have a crush on him. I thought we would be so perfect for each other. But now I know that we just don't suit each other. I used fantasize about him all the time. Kind of like now, how I do about Draco. Wait, does that mean, is this thing that is happening with Draco, just a crush? Just a one night stand? (that went for a little more than one night?)
"I am fine Ron, honest." I replied smiling at him, lying through my teeth.
I had to get away from everyone. I went back up to my room, my mind full of concentration.
I can not do this anymore. I am sick of lying to everyone. I am sick of cheating on Viktor. I am sick of thinking about Draco. I just needed to get out of here. I had to talk to someone, before I did something else really stupid, but there was no one to talk to. Harry would not understand how I could possibly feel about Draco, Ron is too, well, you know, he just would not understand, Ginny is much too young and my parents would totally freak out, if they found out all of the things I have been getting up to at school this year.
I am all alone in this world, with no one to talk to. My life is a mess. What am I going to do? Is there really any point in me living? All I seem to do is cause trouble. I cheat on Viktor, Draco thinks I love him, I'm always lying to Harry and I practically can not even look Ron in the face. It is all my fault for making everyone's life hell.
However I did bring this all on myself. What on earth did I have to start going out with Viktor for in the first place? When I found out he was a deatheater, why did I still have to like him? If I had never gone out with him, then this whole drama with Draco would not have happened. And if all of this never happened, then I probably would still be getting extremely high grades, and be getting along just fine with Ron. But no. I just had to fall for the bad guy, didn't I?
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f*** if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f*** if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I lay down upon my four poster bed feeling like absolute crap. I really do not deserve to live anymore.
A/N So, what do you think? I al totally fresh out of ideas so can you all please lend me some of yours? I am not too sure where this story is going, so if I don't update in awhile, blame writers block! Anyway, please all review and tell me what you think, and tell me if you have any suggestions. Thank you so much for reading this chapter. Remember, all reviews are welcome! Lux-soap
Disclaimer Don't sue me, I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter, and I also don't own the song: Last Resort.
Chapter 8 - Guilty Conscience
Though I was sitting in the library next to Harry and in front of Ron, staring at "Hogwarts - A History," I was just not with it. My mind was once again, elsewhere. I couldn't help it, but instead of dreaming about my boyfriend Viktor, I was thinking of the boy with blonde hair, Draco. I felt so guilty. For more than one reason. Not only had I cheated on Viktor, but also lied Draco about falling for him. What has gotten into me lately? It didn't make sense. Why did I keep going back to Draco? It was like I was addicted to his love or something. I don't know, it just wasn't me at all. I have changed so much since last year. I can still remember how I used to a studious, innocent little girl. Where has that girl gone?
I can still remember absolutely everything that happened with Draco yesterday. Every touch, every look, every giggle. Why was I enjoying this so much? This isn't right, it is disgusting. It is like I have turned into, oh what did those muggles at my old school used to call it? That's right, it is like I have turned into a slut.
I most certainly do not want to be regarded as that type of person. I don't want to be "easy." I don't want to give Draco the greatest pleasures in the world. But there is nothing I can do. Whenever I am with him, all I can see it his masculine body, his amazing blue eyes, and of course, how big he is!
See, I'm doing it again. Yuck, this is so gross. I can't think about these things. I should not be thinking about these things. This is just plain wrong.
"Hermione, are you all right? You look like you're about to start crying or something." Ron said.
I looked away. I could not bear to look directly into his soft, caring eyes. Lately I have been pushing him away, and I know that he does not deserve it, but for some reason, I just can not stop. I remember a couple of years ago, when I used to have a crush on him. I thought we would be so perfect for each other. But now I know that we just don't suit each other. I used fantasize about him all the time. Kind of like now, how I do about Draco. Wait, does that mean, is this thing that is happening with Draco, just a crush? Just a one night stand? (that went for a little more than one night?)
"I am fine Ron, honest." I replied smiling at him, lying through my teeth.
I had to get away from everyone. I went back up to my room, my mind full of concentration.
I can not do this anymore. I am sick of lying to everyone. I am sick of cheating on Viktor. I am sick of thinking about Draco. I just needed to get out of here. I had to talk to someone, before I did something else really stupid, but there was no one to talk to. Harry would not understand how I could possibly feel about Draco, Ron is too, well, you know, he just would not understand, Ginny is much too young and my parents would totally freak out, if they found out all of the things I have been getting up to at school this year.
I am all alone in this world, with no one to talk to. My life is a mess. What am I going to do? Is there really any point in me living? All I seem to do is cause trouble. I cheat on Viktor, Draco thinks I love him, I'm always lying to Harry and I practically can not even look Ron in the face. It is all my fault for making everyone's life hell.
However I did bring this all on myself. What on earth did I have to start going out with Viktor for in the first place? When I found out he was a deatheater, why did I still have to like him? If I had never gone out with him, then this whole drama with Draco would not have happened. And if all of this never happened, then I probably would still be getting extremely high grades, and be getting along just fine with Ron. But no. I just had to fall for the bad guy, didn't I?
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f*** if I cut my arm bleeding
This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a f*** if I cut my arm bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding
Would it be wrong
Would it be right
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
I lay down upon my four poster bed feeling like absolute crap. I really do not deserve to live anymore.
A/N So, what do you think? I al totally fresh out of ideas so can you all please lend me some of yours? I am not too sure where this story is going, so if I don't update in awhile, blame writers block! Anyway, please all review and tell me what you think, and tell me if you have any suggestions. Thank you so much for reading this chapter. Remember, all reviews are welcome! Lux-soap