The Princess and the Rock
A Spoof. (Just to remind you... Don't take it too seriously. ^^)
By Lady Onyx
Remialcsid: On einwo.
Princess Amelia was enjoying a nice day outside, taking a walk through the forest, drinking in the smell of the spring air and the heat of the noon sun. Suddenly, as the young girl neared a river, she became aware of nearby movement. 'I wonder who that is," she thought, turning to greet the newcomer. To her surprise, she couldn't see anyone.
'Now, that's odd,' she thought. 'I know I heard someone –" and suddenly she screamed, as a very large rock that had previously blended in with the surroundings started to move toward her.
Amelia stumbled backward and fell over as the rock approached her. She would have screamed again, visions of herself being flattened like a pancake vivid in her mind, but the rock interrupted, speaking first.
"Would you mind not doing that?" it said in annoyance.
Amelia stopped short, thoroughly surprised, and looked up at the rock. Now that she was paying attention, she could see that it resembled a medium-sized man, clothed in plain, unassuming garb. He must have been behind some bushes or sitting down for her to not have noticed him.
The man-rock moved closer as Amelia continued to stare in wonder, until she could see his features. "Wh-what..." Amelia trailed weakly, completely unprepared for such an encounter. How could such a thing function?
"I'm made out of rock, okay?" it answered, still sounding irritable. "Could you stop staring and tell me who you are?"
"A-Amelia," the girl answered, slightly dazed. After all, she had never expected to meet a talking rock, much less one with an attitude. She couldn't help continuing to stare as she wondered what it would be like to be a rock.
The man/rock sighed. "Have you seen any princesses around here? I'm looking for one."
Amelia's mouth moved silently. He was looking for her?
He waved off her unspoken reply with a sigh. "No, no, of course you haven't. No one has." He started pacing. "Of course I can't go near large cities. So I've been waiting here for days and haven't found one. First there was that smart-alec sorceress and her brainless bodyguard. Then some old warrior. HE was with a mummy-man. After that some annoying fish-man showed up, I eventually killed it. And of course, there's been the odd monster now and then, but no princess!" The last part was spoken loudly and with some force, as the rock came to a stop a few feet from the girl, staring off into space.
"Erm... Why do you want one?" asked Amelia in a very small voice.
She had the distinct impression the rock was sizing her up. "Why do you want to know?"
Amelia swallowed. "Um..." Did she dare tell him? No, not really. At least, not yet. "I've never met a rock before..." she mumbled.
The strange rock looked rather offended. "I wasn't BORN this way, you know," he growled.
"Really?" she said, startled. "What were you?"
"A HUMAN!"
"Oh." Amelia felt kind of silly now. After all, he was shaped like a human, so it made sense. "I'm sorry..."
The man-turned-rock didn't seem to have heard her. "But only a princess can turn me back. And I'd like to get out of this body." He started pacing again, obviously very distraught over this lack of a princess.
Amelia swallowed very hard. If she were turned into a rock, she certainly would want someone to help her. Besides, she had been taught to always help other people if she could. "How... how could a princess turn you back? Would she have to know magic, or..." Amelia knew some magic, but she was pretty sure she had never had a lesson on transforming stone.
This question had a peculiar effect. The irritable, impatient fellow actually blushed. While part of Amelia's brain pondered the ability of stone to blush, the rock muttered, "No, she'd just need to... to kiss me."
As the fact registered, Amelia found herself blushing as well. Kiss him? She wanted to help him, but kissing him? That just didn't sound very ... comfortable.
Amelia looked up at his face. It was just a kiss. Not that big a deal.
But, somehow, she'd pictured her first kiss a little differently.
Amelia looked at the ground. That was a selfish thought, and she knew it. How could she want romance when this... person... was suffering? Besides, first kisses weren't always the ones that counted. Amelia cleared her throat. "I-I'm a princess," she confessed, not looking up at her companion.
Instantly she felt his hands on her shoulders as he spoke excitedly, "Really? You're sure? Will you help me?"
Amelia looked back at him, noticing that he was no longer blushing, but seemed very intent on the possibility of his cure. Dimly, Amelia noted how hard the hands on her shoulders were, and wondered what his lips would be like. She nodded.
Quickly, he leaned towards her, eager for the magic touch. Amelia closed her eyes, but his mouth was indeed very hard, and the surprising sight of his pebbly face so close to her own remained behind her eyelids.
But in another moment his lips had softened into flesh, as had the hands on her shoulders. It was actually kinda nice. Amelia had just started to kiss him back when he pulled away.
Amelia opened her eyes to find a very handsome man in his twenties celebrating a few feet away. She stared at the change in amazement.
'That wasn't such a bad first kiss,' she thought, feeling slightly dizzy. And then as he turned to look at her, she simply thought, 'Wow.'