Sesshoumaru's World Conquest in a Day

Chapter 5 The Battle of the Old People Part 1

Old lady Kaede was sitting at home, eating her food, and getting fatter by the second, when a thought occured to her.

Kaede: NEWSPAPER COURT CIVILIAN SEARCHED MOODLE IN STRIP MOUSE!! ALL BOW BEFORE THE POWER OF TURNIP BUTTER!!!

Which translates to...

Kaede: Hot damn, I'm out of garlic sauce.

The old senile woman then remembered Kagome once saying that you could buy it in her world, so Kaede plopped into the bone well and began to wonder the streets of nowadays Japan.

5:21am

Miroku: We've been searching for Sesshoumaru for twenty minutes, and still nothing!

Inuyasha: *gets on knees* Oh wonderful Italian Stallion, I have failed you!

Sango: Hey guys! I found something that seems to be Kagome's remains.

Miroku: .... they killed off the heroine.... well then, let's just watch the flames rise.

Inuyasha: Atleast one good thing has come of this. *starts picking up remains* We've got free food!

Shippo: EAT EAT RIP!!!

Sango: My, aren't we demonic today.

Shippo: HUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Kagome's Grandpa: *walks over* THEY WHO PRINT ESSENTIALS SHALL SHOP BROADER CHASE OF CARMEN SANDIEGO!!!

Miroku: Oh no.

Kaede: *shows up* WEBSTER'S BIBLE OF THE HEALTH ON COMPAQ WILL CHAMBER THE ESCAPE FROM MAURY!!!!

Inuyahsa: We're surrounded!

Grandpa: *points at Kaede* OH HORRID SPINACH THAT WREAKS MY BUTTONS OF VIGOR!!!

Kaede: PHOTO ALBUM OF PINK SHALL EAT YOU TO THE ARMPIT AND SMELL YOU STINKY!!!

Grandpa: MAY THE GODS SPIT ON YOUR CELERY AND PISS UPON YOUR BUCKET!!!

Kaede: THE CITY OF THE SMART LEAF SHALL DOINK YOUR KARP!!!

Miroku: ... is it war?

Inuyasha:Oh yah.

Meanwhile...

Sesshoumaru: Ugh, I'm so utterley bored with nothing to do. *sees a bar* Hmm, those are usually a good source of information. Maybe I can find out about the voice behind the computer screen from chapter 3. *walks into bar*

Waitress: Hey there baby, can I get you something?

Sesshoumaru: No, I just want to know who the man behind the computer in chapter three was.

Waitress: I don't know about that any, but I do know that I have some playmates behind my shirt that are dying to meet you.

Sesshoumaru: I wouldn't suggest keeping people in your shirt. It's just wrong.

Waitress: Oh, so you don't like figures of speech and want to get right down to the dirty points. *fingering his shirt* I like that in a man.

Sesshoumaru: *offended* I am not a man! I am a demon, I'll have you know!

Waitress: I bet you are quite the demon in bed, baby!

Sesshoumaru: *indignant* Hmph! I'm a demon wherever I am, thank you.

Waitress: *turned on* Oh! Show me, baby, show me!

Sesshoumaru: *sigh* If you insist. *uses flashy claw thing to kill bar tender*

Waitress: .... you weren't kiddin, were ya...

Sesshoumaru: No, I was quite serious. Why, what did you think I meant?

Waitress: *looks at him*

Sesshoumaru: Oh.............. OH! OH GOOD GOD!!!!

Waitress: Demon or not, you're pretty sexy. You can wrong me any day baby.

Sesshoumaru: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU INTOLERABLE SLUT!!!

Waitress: Don't hate, don't hate! I'm just itchin' to be indulged! *pounces*

Sesshoumaru: *dodges* BACK YOU SCANTILY CLAD FIEND!!!

Waitress: What's wrong sugar foot? Do you know how many men would kill to be in your position?

Sesshoumaru: Never! I plan to leave a bloody chaste life, and no hobag will take my virginity!

Waitress: .... you haven't done it?

ATTENTION ALL FANGIRLS!!! ATTENTION ALL FANGIRLS!!! SESSHOUMARU IS FREE TO THE HIGHEST EXTENT!!! CLAIM WHAT YOU WANT WHILE IT'S STILL ON THE MARKET LADIES!!!

Sesshoumaru: SHUT UP YOU STUPID WARNING POST!!!! I HATE YOU!!!!!

Waitress: Oh well, it doesn't matter if all of your groupies do come for you, you're mine!

Sesshoumaru: That's a very unfair assumption! I mean, I don't even know your name.

Waitress: It's Peaches, baby. I'm 22, living single, and am an E cup. What's more to know? Now let's screw.

Sesshoumaru: NO!! Oh nasty images! NASTY IMAGES!!! AAAHHHH!!! MY EYES BLEED LIKE THE DEVIL!!!! *rolls around on floor in pain*

Peaches: Down and dirty on the floor. I LOVE IT!!! *jumps*

Sesshoumaru: *watching her descend* NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!

Back to the old people... (yah, just what you want to see right at a moment like this, eh?)

Inuyasha: Round one of the battle of the old people commensing now!

Miroku: *rings bell*

Kaede: *jumps Grandpa* CABBAGE YOUR BEAN SRPOUTS!!!

Grandpa: *judo's Kaede* LET THIS TEACH YOUR KABBOBS!

Inuyasha: *speaking w/ mic* Well folks, this is an interesting match we have here today. Old lady Kaede has just karate chopped Kagome's grandaddy after receiving a blow to the stomach with grandpa's amazing flying side kick. Up in the air is Miroku with special footage. What do we have Miroku?

Miroku: *in chopper* Hey Inuyasha! It's looking all spectacular from up here. Many lovely beach bunnies can be seen tanning on the beach in their new summer bikinis.

Inuyasha: Wow, that IS special footage! Do you have any comments?

Miroku: Yes I do, Inuyahsa. To the blonde with the G-string, my number is 557-

Inuyasha: On the battle, I mean.

Miroku: The bitch fight, or the old people?

Inuyasha: Ummm.... brief on the old people, in detail on the bitch fight. *perverted smile*

Miroku: Okay, to the old people. The old person is beating the crap out of the old person. Now that that's done, some hot brunette is mud wrestling with a red head. Whooie watch them go!!

Inuyasha: Oh please, do go into the specifics, oh great eye in the sky!

Miroku: Gladly.

In a dark alleyway...

Sesshoumaru: *panting* Whew, I can't believe I made it out of there alive and with my pants on. That was the worst... most awful enounter of my life.

Voice 1: Did you see where sexy went?

Voice 2: Nope! Still lookin.

Voice 3: That sucks! I really wanted to tech him the horizontal mombo.

Voice 1,2,3: *giggle*

Sesshoumaru: Ah crap, they're searching for me. *chanting to self* I will live a chaste life, I will live a chaste life, I will live a chaste life, I will-

5:40am

Will he really live a chaste life? Well, maybe if you get your hands on him, he won't, but that's why you aren't showing up in this series. Who will win in the battle of the old people? And what will come of the mud wrestling beauties? Actually, they don't matter (sorry boys), so screw them. Anywho, find out on the next installment of Sesshoumaru's World Conquest in a Day Battle of the Old People Part 2.