The following was pre-recorded before a dead studio audience.
A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS
The following program contains SPOILERS for many of your favorite shows and games. And we're not talkin' little, tiny spoilers. We're talking massive, terrible spoilers that you may not want to know. These shows include: Trigun, Cowboy Bebop, Final Fantasy 7, Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, Escaflowne, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and others. If you WANT to ruin a show you haven't finished or haven't even started, then by all means, go ahead and read. Otherwise there's a general rule: YOU NO WATCH, YOU NO READ!
PARENTAL ADVISORY: MATURE CONTENT
The following program contains violence, vulgarity and adult situations that many parents may not find suitable for children. It's pretty fucking rude, actually. It's got all kinds of crazy shit blowing up and people getting attacked. Damn, it's just crazy bullshit. Off the heezy fo' sheezy. You have been warned. Word.
*****
HEAVEN, a sound studio made to look like a living room. In the background are photos of deserts and constellations, little touches to make the hosts feel at home. NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and SPIKE SPIEGEL sit in comfortable chairs with a nice coffee table before them. On the table is a phone and coffee mugs. NICHOLAS' mug reads "My God can take your God" and SPIKE'S reads "I hate your honor student". They smile at the camera and offer their mugs up in a toast.
WOLFWOOD: This is the Afterlife Coffee Break, formerly the Afterlife Smoke Break but renamed since we can't fucking smoke up here. Thanks for joining us. I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood and this is Spike Spiegel.
SPIKE: (gives a cheesy wave) How ya doin'?
WOLFWOOD: Today, we'll be talking about the same thing we talk about during every episode…
WOLFWOOD and SPIKE together: How lame it is that we died in our shows!
BOTH smile cheesy smiles and settle into their chairs comfortably.
WOLFWOOD: We'll take some callers later on, but first, let's get started. Spike?
SPIKE: Thanks Nick. In case you guys didn't know, we're both dead…
WOLFWOOD: Real dead.
SPIKE: Really, really dead.
WOLFWOOD: Like, "Oh my God I've never seen such dead people" dead…
SPIKE: Like, "Crying on a church floor or collapsed on steps with dramatic music playing" dead.
WOLFWOOD: (scratches his chin in contemplation) You know…we DID die to cool music…
SPIKE: Ain't it the truth.
BOTH look nostalgic and hum the tunes of "Rakuen" and "Blue" to themselves.
SPIKE: (singing)"…Life is just a dream you know, never ending…I'm ascending…" (pauses and looks wistful) It's so beautiful, I mean, truly moving and…WAIT A MINUTE! NO IT'S NOT! THAT SONG SUCKS! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
WOLFWOOD: I'm sure you're going to tell me…
SPIKE: Damn right! IT SUCKS BECAUSE WE DIED MAN! WE'RE FUCKING DEAD…D-E-A-D!
WOLFOOD: (scratching his head) Yeah, you're right…those songs blow…
SPIKE: And you wanna know what blows more about me dying than you dying? I was the main character! I was in every episode. You had entire stints when nobody even saw you! You'd show up, you'd leave, you'd be a good guy, then, Oops! 'I'm a Gung Ho Gun! Time to blow things up!' I mean, God, it's not even fair!
WOLFWOOD: (scowling) Not that I don't 'feel your pain' or anything but, get a clue! You were so marked for death from the get-go! You were injured to the point of mummy-dom in almost every episode!
SPIKE: So? That just shows I'm resilient!
WOLFWOOD: Let me get this straight…Everybody has this romantic notion that you had nothing to live for anyway since Julia was dead…
SPIKE: Real dead…
WOLFWOOD: (ignores him) but now you're saying that you want to be alive?
SPIKE: Why is that so hard to believe?
WOLFWOOD: Because! You told that whole stupid story about the cat who lived a million-trillion-gabillion lives but finally stayed in the grave 'cause he was all whipped about the "white female cat" dying. Wasn't it supposed to be a metaphor for you and Julia?
SPIKE: Nah…I was just happy about killing off a cat in the story. I hate cats…and children…and dogs…and republicans…and tuna sandwiches…
WOLFWOOD: You are impossible! You had nothing to live for and I did!
SPIKE: Oh yeah? Like what?
WOLFWOOD: In case you don't recall, I got some major booty before I died!
SPIKE: Sure…just rub it in…
WOLFWOOD: (smiles a lecherous smile) Sorry! On top of that, I had friends that cared about me, a huge fan following and….
SPIKE: An inevitably painful death at the hands of lung cancer.
WOLFWOOD: WHAT?
SPIKE: I said "An inevitably painful…"
WOLFWOOD: I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID! What I wanna know is how exactly YOU can criticize MY smoking habits when you were ten times worse! I always had money to eat something or I could bum off Vash or the insurance girls. You could be starving to death and still manage to have smokes. Does this seem wrong to you?
SPIKE: (frowns and thinks really hard) Um…no?
WOLFWOOD: You have a troubled soul my friend, perhaps you need to go to confession.
SPIKE: What's the point? We're already in Anime Heaven.
WOLFWOOD: (smirks) Yeah, partying with Kaoru Nagisa and Folken-Sama…this place blows.
SPIKE: I dunno, that Rem chick is kinda hot…
WOLFWOOD shakes his head sadly and lights up. The cigarette disappears instantly followed by a heavenly warning from a choir of angels ("Thou shalt not smoke a fat one in the presence of the Lord…")
WOLFWOOD: CURSE THIS PLACE!
Lightening flashes.
WOLFWOOD: Nevermind. So! Let's take our first caller!
WOLFWOOD presses a button on the phone. Static is heard followed by a melodious voice.
CALLER: Hello…Can you hear me?
SPIKE: Caller, are you there? What's your name?
CALLER: I'd prefer to remain anonymous…
SPIKE and WOLFWOOD exchange a puzzled look and then shrug.
WOLFWOOD: Okay! So, do you have a question for us today?
CALLER: Um…yes. That is…don't you ever just want to be alive again so that you can experience…gosh this is so embarrassing…
WOLFWOOD: (getting excited thinking they're going to talk about naughty things) Yes! Go on!
CALLER: I mean…don't you ever just yearn for…
SPIKE: (shifts in his chair smiling a goofy smile) Yearn for?
CALLER: On those lonely nights…don't you ever want to feel…
WOLFWOOD: Oh yeah! Feel…?
CALLER: Don't you want to be alive so you can experience the exquisite pain of death again?
WOLFWOOD slouches into his chair in disappointment and SPIKE collapses onto the floor.
SPIKE: ARE YOU MAD? What kinda hell talk is that?
CALLER: Yes, eternal pain and suffering…oh…yes!
WOLFWOOD: (eyebrow twitching) Dammit Legato! Didn't I tell you not to call again?
CALLER: Oops! I mean…ahem…whoever is this "Legato"? I have no idea what you're talking about. Ummm…I have to go!
The line goes dead and WOLFWOOD and SPIKE stare in stunned silence at the phone.
SPIKE:…That was…really strange…
WOLFWOOD: Don't worry, he's always been that way. Moving on to our next caller!
Static and a voice that sounds very weak:
CALLER: Hello, Spike, you there?
SPIKE: Jet? What the hell? You're not dead!
JET: I know that!
SPIKE: Then why are you calling?
JET: You so owe me big time! Do you know how much money it cost to go and bury you? (coughs violently for a moment) On top of all that, you owed me money anyway. I'm expecting you to pay up here.
SPIKE: Listen to yourself! Jet, I'm dead. How am I supposed to pay you back? There's nothing I can do here.
JET: (gives a crazed little laugh) Well that's too bad…Looks like I'm going to have to dig up your body and sell that nice cybernetic eye of yours on the black market. And whatever else I can use…Your hair alone will go for a few woolongs…you had all of your teeth too!
WOLFWOOD: (puts his coffee down) That is just disgusting…
JET: They'll fetch a pretty penny. And then your ship, yeah, I can scrap that too! (breaks into maniacal laughter)
SPIKE: (worried) Are you okay, you don't sound like yourself…
JET: Must have food…no money…talk like…Captain…Kirk…
WOLFWOOD: Spike my friend, I don't think he's going to make it.
SPIKE: What about Faye? Isn't she there to take care of you?
JET: Stole…everything…ate the Bebop…my bonsai…demon woman…demon…
SPIKE: Jet, just hold on! I'm sure you can make it! There's got to be something left in the fridge back in the…oh, wait…nevermind…Jet?
JET: This is…a dream…(coughs)…and a tuna sandwich…
The line goes dead.
WOLFWOOD: You sure did have some strange friends…
SPIKE: Tell me about it…
WOLFWOOD: I'm almost scared to do it, but, let's have another caller.
Static and then the sound of a saxophone wailing a jazzy tune.
WOLFWOOD: (slaps his forehead) For the last time…You don't get a solo on this show, understand?
MIDVALLEY: But why not? Sylvia plays so well here in Hell…
SPIKE: (surprised) You're in Hell?
MIDVALLEY: Yeah, me and almost all the rest of the Gung Ho Guns…
WOLFWOOD: But…Legato is here in Heaven, how did that work out?
MIDVALLEY: Not sure, looks like he got off by pleading insanity.
SPIKE: That only works in court!
MIDVALLEY: Don't bite my head off! How am I supposed to know how he got in? Geez!
WOLFWOOD: I think I have an idea…
SPIKE: Yeah, well spill.
WOLFWOOD: It makes sense if you think about it…Legato spent his entire life fascinated with death and suffering. Putting him in Hell is just like asking for him to be the happiest boy in the world.
ALL have a vision of LEGATO standing in a sailor uniform with a massive lollipop, smiling while people burn for all eternity.
ALL: Ugh…
MIDVALLEY: You've got a point. Heaven is almost like Hell for him. He must be miserable up there with all those innocent people and martyrs and goodie-goodies…
SPIKE: I am NOT a goodie-goodie!
MIDVALLEY: Whatever. Hell isn't so bad after all. I'll stay here, thank you very much! You have fun up there playing with Min-May and Rick Hunter! Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! WOO-HOO! SEND MY REGARDS TO ALL THOSE DAMN GREEN NAMEKIANS!
Line goes dead.
WOLFWOOD: That's it…no more callers.
SPIKE: Well fellow inhabitants of the afterlife, that's it for today.
WOLFWOOD: Join us next time when we'll be discussing how lame it is that I had to die…
SPIKE: And how lame it is that I had to die without getting to sleep with the obviously easy Julia again.
WOLFWOOD: We'll have a special guest appearance from Charlotte from "Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust" and I'm sure she'll have some exciting things to say about how lame it is that she died too!
SPIKE: Until then…
BOTH: Stay dead and stay bitter about it!
Studio lights come on and WOLFWOOD and SPIKE stand to stretch.
WOLFWOOD: Good episode.
SPIKE: I thought so too.
WOLFWOOD: But you know… something is really starting to bother me…
SPIKE: Other than dying in a church on your knees? Crying and regretting your entire existence like a bitch?
WOLFWOOD: Better than rushing into a skyscraper to die from a sword wound when you had a GUN! Hello! A GUN! Not to mention you had the stupidest last word in the history of anime…But yeah…It's starting to get to me…I bet they get to smoke in Hell.
SPIKE: (runs a hand through his hair to no effect) Lucky bastards…lucky bastards.
To Be Continued....
*****
Hello to any new readers! And if you're a Veteran ACB reader, welcome back! I wanted to take the time to explain what's up:
This is a re-post. There are something like two complete story arcs and about 12 chapters total between the two. I'll be posting one a week until the whole thing is up and running again.
What's different: There are less spelling mistakes, though some still creep in from time to time. I've added a few small things here and there but all the original ending author notes are absent.
What this means: As much as I love suggestions (and suggestions are what made the story in the first place), since the story has already been posted and finished, there's not much I can do to honor them. But please feel free to let me know what you think! Reviews make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.