A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:
The producers would like to remind you that if SPOILERS were candy this show would have cavities. And if curse words were quarters this show would be as rich as Bill Gates. And if violence was...okay, you get the idea...
EPISODE II: The Jackson Five!
*****
HEAVEN. A sound studio made to look like a living room. In the background are photos of deserts, half-naked women and dead bodies, little touches to make the hosts feel at home. NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD sits with his arms crossed in his comfortable chair scooted very far away from the occupant of the other chair, LEGATO BLUESUMMERS. In front of them is a coffee table with a phone and mugs. WOLFWOOD'S mug reads "Guess what I'VE got that's full of mercy?" and LEGATO'S reads "Some people are only alive because I haven't killed them yet."
The studio lights come on and WOLFWOOD tries his best to smile at the camera but fails.
WOLFWOOD: (scowling and speaking with a gruff voice) Welcome back to The Afterlife Coffee Break. I'm your host Nicholas D. Wolfwood. I'd like to thank Charlotte from "Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust" for her riveting story of love, deception and, of course, dying lamely. Next, we're going to be…
LEGATO: Excuse me…
WOLFWOOD: (ignores him)…discussing the nature of God. After all, what kind of deity would allow…
LEGATO: Excuse me, you haven't introduced me and you're ignoring me…
WOLFWOOD: (talks louder to drown him out)…a terrible planet like Gunsmoke to exist? All those suffering children and…
LEGATO: I think I understand…You're angry with me…
WOLFWOOD: Just shut up already!
LEGATO: Oh no…I see…If it make you feel better, I'm dead too…
WOLFWOOD: Just shut up! You want an introduction? Fine. This is Legato Bluesummers. Unfortunately, he's filling in for Spike. Spike is 'sick'.
LEGATO: (frowns in confusion) But Spike said that he was going out to get a nice piece of ass…
WOLFWOOD: HE'S SICK! OKAY?
LEGATO:…You know, everybody dies. You shouldn't be so bitter about it. If anything I have more reason to be upset, I hate Heaven…it's so…peaceful and calm…all the people are decent and kind…It's…horrifying
WOLFWOOD: Listen to yourself! What about me? I had a good 15 years left on me before the lung cancer settled in! You fucking killed me in my prime! Those were supposed to be the best years of my life! I could have been happy, but NO! Little Legato had to come and ruin it all!
LEGATO: Um…technically, Chapel pulled the…
WOLFWOOD: Leave him out of it ! I blame you. Y-O-U. Got it?
LEGATO: (crosses his arms) Fine.
WOLFWOOD: (sticks his nose in the air) Fine.
LEGATO: Fine.
WOLFWOOD: Fine!
LEGATO: FINE!
WOLFWOOD: FINE TIMES TEN!
LEGATO: FINE TIMES INFINITY!
WOLFWOOD: FINE TIMES INFINITY PLUS ONE!
LEGATO:…Curse you…
WOLFWOOD smiles triumphantly.
LEGATO: You are a boo-boo head.
WOLFWOOD: (the smile disappears) I am rubber and you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me AND STICKS TO YOU!
LEGATO: Oh yeah? I know you are but what am I?
WOLFWOOD: I know you are but what am I?
LEGATO: I know you are but….Oh, forget it…there's no point in arguing with such an imperfect creature who can't even appreciate the beauty of his own death.
BOTH fall silent and WOLFWOOD angrily sips on his coffee. Minutes tick by.
LEGATO looks around the studio wondering why it's so dark before he realizes it's just his hair. He pushes the bangs out of his face and is very surprised by the world around him. WOLFWOOD drums his fingers on the arm of his chair, turned away from LEGATO and looking very snippy.
The phone suddenly rings. BOTH jump in surprise.
BOTH: I got it!
They fight to push the speakerphone button, slapping at each other like children. WOLFWOOD wedgies LEGATO and reaches the button.
WOLFWOOD: Hello, caller, are you there?
CALLER: Hello…Spike?
WOLFWOOD: No, it's just me today. Do you have a question?
LEGATO: (desperately trying to pull the underwear from his butt) This is pain like I've never imagined…pain…
CALLER: Yes, well, my question was for Spike, but maybe you can help…
WOLFWOOD: Well, tell us your name, please…
CALLER: (ignores him) I was wondering, did Spike ever mention being absolutely miserable when he died?
LEGATO: (dancing around the set, tugging at his pants) This form of torture…where did you learn it? Master…there was so much you didn't tell me…oh the pain!
WOLFWOOD: (frowning) Well, Spike thinks being dead is as lame as I do but…
CALLER: No, no, no. Did he, um…describe the excruciating pain he experienced when I ki…I mean, when he died?
LEGATO: (finally able to dislodge his Hanes, stops squirming and sits down) That is an interesting question, I'd like to know myself…
WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) You just shut up and sit there. (to the CALLER) Caller, why do you want to know something so awful? Who are you?
CALLER: It doesn't matter who I am! Just answer me!
WOLFWOOD: Now wait a minute, I don't really have to answer you when you scream at me like that! You are one sick puppy!
CALLER: And you are a beast who lost its fangs!
LEGATO and WOLFWOOD sit in confused silence simply staring at the phone. Somewhere on the set, crickets start to chirp.
WOLFWOOD: What the hell does that mean?
CALLER:…..
LEGATO: No, seriously, where did you learn such drivel?
CALLER: It's…you know…poetic?
WOLFWOOD: Whatever! Time for a new caller!
CALLER: No wait! Are you sure he didn't say ANYTHING about someone making him suffer? Someone who used to be his frie...
WOLFWOOD hits the button and the line goes dead.
WOLFWOOD: I'll say it again, Spike always gets the weird calls.
LEGATO: Well, anyway, it's time for another caller…
WOLFWOOD: (scowls at him) YOU don't get to say that…I do! Got it?
LEGATO:….
WOLFWOOD: IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER CALLER! HA HA! (hits the button)
Static and then a frighteningly high-pitched voice
CALLER: Hello? Mr. Priest?
WOLFWOOD: Milly?
MILLY: Oh! You're there! That's just wonderful!
LEGATO: (clutching at his ears) Her voice…I've learned so much about pain today…
WOLFWOOD: What are you calling for, my honey?
MILLY: I have great news!
LEGATO: (falls to the floor in agony) Ugh…the voice…it must bring…death…to all…who…hear it…agh!
WOLFWOOD: Yeah, what is it?
MILLY: You're a father!
WOLFWOOD: W-what? M-Milly, that's…that's…great news…that's…(faints)
LEGATO crouches down to fan him with a severed hand he had stored in his shoulder pad.
MILLY: Hello? Mr. Priest? Are you there?
WOLFWOOD wakes to the sight of LEGATO hovering over him and screams.
WOLFWOOD: Get away! Get away! I'm already dead!
LEGATO: (sighs) I know. It's rotten that I can't kill you twice.
WOLFWOOD and LEGATO get back in their chairs.
WOLFWOOD: Milly, did I just hear what I thought I heard?
MILLY: Isn't it wonderful? They all look just like you!
WOLFWOOD and LEGATO fall very silent.
LEGATO: Did you just say 'all' of them look like Wolfwood? How many children does he have?
MILLY: There are five girls and boys!
WOLFWOOD: F-five…five…five of each or five all together?
MILLY: What a silly question!
LEGATO: (sits forward anxiously) Silly because the answer is '5 all together' or because the answer is '5 of each'?
MILLY: You're both very silly! I've called because I'm having a terrible time picking out names for 10 children!
WOLFWOOD: (coughs violently) You have to be joking! That's physically impossible! No human being can survive giving birth to 10 children all at once!
MILLY: (sniffling) I see…you're just saying that because you don't want them.
LEGATO: You're a very perceptive girl…
WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) SHUT UP! (to MILLY) Honey…of course I want them. I'm so happy, it's just a shock to my system is all.
MILLY: Do you really mean it?
LEGATO: No.
WOLFWOOD: One more word out of you and I wedgie you again.
LEGATO: (excited) Oh please!
WOLFWOOD: (looks slightly disturbed and decides to ignore LEGATO) Milly, I'm so happy that we have children…all 10 of them. I only wish I was there to help you take care of them…
MILLY: Don't worry! Sempai is here and Mr. Vash is too. There's also this really nice man named 'Knives' around to help out. He plays with them all the time though he's a little rough. Sometimes we have to hide all the sharp objects and weapons from him because he…
WOLFWOOD: Milly! Get that man away from our children!
LEGATO: Master, you are such a genius…
MILLY: (confused) Get him away from the kids? Why? Don't you trust him?
LEGATO: With all my heart and soul…if I had one…
WOLFWOOD: NO! I don't trust him at all. Tell that spikey-haired jerk to get his crazy brother away from my kids!
MILLY: Well…okay, if you say so. But what about the names?
WOLFWOOD: Well, that is a tough one. What should we name them?
LEGATO: How about Jermaine, Marlon, Jackie, Michael, Tito, Janet…
WOLFWOOD: Um…No…how about
LEGATO: Chris, Justin, Lance, JC, Joey…
WOLFWOOD: Not quite what I had in mind…maybe…
LEGATO: Wendy, Michael, John, Tinkerbell? J-Lo, Jay-Z, P-Ditty?
WOLFWOOD: Really, now you're just being silly…we could try…
LEGATO: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen…
WOLFWOOD: One more time and you end up on the floor!
LEGATO:….At least give me Blitzen and Rudolph…
WOLFWOOD: That's it!
WOLFWOOD attacks LEGATO and they fall behind his chair. Sounds of a struggle are heard along with someone screaming, "You hit like a girl!"
MILLY: Um…Mr. Priest…are you there?
A strangled "Yes!" is heard from behind the set followed by "Shut up mortal!"
MILLY: (unfazed) I was thinking we could name one of them Nicholas after you and then maybe one of them Vash after Mr. Vash and then maybe we could name one Sempai after Meryl and one Meryl after Sempai and then maybe I could name one of them Knives after that nice man…
LEGATO: (pops his head up from behind the couch) What a lovely idea (screams as WOLFWOOD pulls him by the hair back onto the ground).
WOLFWOOD: Don't you dare name my son after that sick-o! (LEGATO gets him in a headlock that makes him gag)
MILLY: I wasn't thinking of naming one of the BOYS Knives. It's awful pretty for a girl, don't you think?
The sounds of pounding flesh and ripping clothing stop. LEGATO and WOLFWOOD peek their heads up over the back of the chair.
LEGATO: Did she just say…
WOLFWOOD: That she wants to name my little girl…
BOTH: Knives?
MILLY: I'm glad you like it!
WOLFWOOD: Honey…I really can't handle this right now. I'm bleeding and my nose is broken, maybe we could discuss this later?
MILLY: Okay!
The line goes dead. WOLFWOOD and LEGATO slowly drag themselves onto their chairs. LEGATO is missing several patches of hair and the spikes on his shoulder are bent into strange shapes. Though it's hidden by his bangs, he has a black eye. WOLFWOOD'S nose is crooked and he is missing both the sleeves of his black jacket. One of his cross-shaped cufflinks is sticking out of his ear; he pulls it out and hurls it at Legato.
LEGATO: Ow! My eye!
WOLFWOOD: Serves you right.
LEGATO: Will the lesson of pain never end…
WOLWOOD: (weakly) Well, that's all the time we have…thank God…
Heavenly voice booms "You're welcome!"
WOLFWOOD: (smiles sheepishly and scratches his head) Riiight…Join us next time when our guest will be Dominique the Cyclops!
LEGATO: And I'll be returning as your co-host…
WOLFWOOD: The hell you will!
LEGATO: Who's going to stop me?
WOLFWOOD: I AM!
LEGATO: You and what army?
WOLFWOOD: (balls his fists) ME and THIS ARMY!
LEGATO: WELL THEN, YOU BETTER BRING IT!
WOLFWOOD: OH, IT'S ALREADY BEEN BROUGHTEN!
They attack each other…again. The studio lights dim.
WOLFWOOD: (pounding his fists into LEGATO'S scull) Oh yeah! These fists are full of mercy!
LEGATO: (Kicking WOLFWOOD in the head) You're gonna wish you were dead by the time I'm finished with you!
WOLFWOOD: OH! REAL smart! I'm already dead you asshole!
LEGATO: Well then…you're going to wish you were…um…still…alive?
WOLFWOOD: Shut up and fight!
LEGATO: I don't think you're ready for this Jelly!
To Be Continued....