A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS
Violence, crude language and lowbrow humor are GOOD things. This show celebrates the delicious flavor that all things in poor taste give to life. And death.
A NOTE ON OOC
The infamous "out of character" condition. What can be said about this situation when it arises? Nothing. Shit happens. My advice? Play a drinking game with it. Every time someone is OOC, take two drinks. Maybe three. I bet the show will be funnier. You may not remember any of it, but what the hell? Live a little.
EPISODE III: Throw Pillows
*****
HEAVEN: a set made to look like a dungeon. On a table in the back is a vase full of flowers- they're all dead. Two hard, less than comfortable wooden chairs sit side by side occupied by the hosts. A casket sits before them serving as a coffee table. On the casket is a telephone and a singular coffee mug. The coffee mug reads "Space Cowboy." LEGATO BLUESUMMERS sips from it at his leisure. Beside him, SPIKE SPIEGEL is twisting around in his chair, obviously looking for something.
The studio lights come on.
LEGATO: (manages a smile that makes children scream) Hello. I suppose I should introduce myself. I am Legato, Legato Bluesummers and this is Spike Spiegel.
SPIKE is on his hands and knees crawling around on the floor still looking for something. He makes no reply and continues to look under everything.
LEGATO: Ahem…Spike…don't you think you should tell them what's in store on today's show?
SPIKE: No…I've got to find something.
LEGATO: Pray tell, what?
SPIKE settles into his chair and scowls at LEGATO who continues to sip contentedly at his coffee.
SPIKE: Where is MY mug?
LEGATO: Your mug?
SPIKE: Yes! MY mug! You have one…where's mine?
LEGATO: You don't get one.
SPIKE: What? How does that work? Besides, that mug says "Space Cowboy." How in the hell does that apply to you?
LEGATO: My show was set in space…
SPIKE: No way! I think that's my mug! What happened to yours?
LEGATO: (trying to look innocent which makes more children scream and puppies run away) I don't know what you mean…
SPIKE: I think you do! And what's up with the set? A dungeon?
LEGATO: Since it appears that my stint as co-host will be a bit more…permanent, I took some liberties with the set. I like it.
SPIKE: Well I don't! This is supposed to be a relaxing coffee break! Who takes a coffee break in a dungeon? It's not normal!
LEGATO: (looks sincerely surprised) It's not?
SPIKE: NO IT'S NOT! Now give me back my mug!
LEGATO: It's not yours…get your own.
SPIKE: (eyebrow twitching) That IS mine!
From off stage, a voice is heard, it's the DIRECTOR.
DIRECTOR: Spike, listen…we're getting you a new mug now, okay? Just get on with the show.
SPIKE: (looks slightly less-angry but still crosses his arms while he tries to get comfortable in the chair) Okay. Hello. Welcome to the Afterlife Coffee Break. I'm Spike, this is Legato. He's filling in for Nicholas who is recovering from inexplicable wounds that occurred during the last filming. He might be in later on but removing his arm from its current location may take a little bit of work.
LEGATO: (covers his mouth to hide the chuckling) And may we all wish him well…
SPIKE: (frowning) Hmmm….is there something you're not telling me?
LEGATO: (still trying not to chuckle) Oh no…not at all. What's in store for our audience on today's show?
SPIKE: Well, as promised we'll have Dominique the Cyclops on and she'll be answering questions from our callers.
From the wings comes a stage helper with a new mug, steaming with hot coffee, for SPIKE. He sets it down on the casket and then quickly runs away, expecting the outburst that's about to happen.
SPIKE looks down at the coffee mug and his eyebrow quickly begins to twitch. The mug reads "Guess what I'm doing with YOUR hand!" SPIKE levels a menacing stare at LEGATO.
SPIKE: Are you gonna tell me that this ISN'T your mug?
LEGATO: Yep.
SPIKE: Well it is!
LEGATO: What makes you think that?
SPIKE: In all of anime who else is dead, hosting a show about it, and sick enough to take someone's severed arm and SEW IT ONTO THEIR OWN BODY!?
LEGATO: I'm sure someone from Evangelion pulled the same stunt…
SPIKE: NO! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I WANT MY MUG DAMMIT!
DIRECTOR: Spike! We have a show to do here. Forget about the damn mug! Introduce the guest!
SPIKE: (scowling) Fine. Fucking welcome the fucking guest Dominique the fucking Cyclops the second fucking Gung Ho fucking Gun.
DOMINIQUE walks onto the stage and looks around for a place to sit.
DOMINIQUE: Hello. Um…where do I sit?
LEGATO: You don't. You stand.
DIRECTOR: (sighing) We're bringing you a chair, hold on.
The same terrified stagehand runs up with another painful looking chair, sets it down and then runs off. DOMINIQUE settles down and daintily crosses her ankles.
LEGATO: (turns to face her and then screams) Wazzuuup?
DOMINIQUE: Wazuuuuuuup?
LEGATO: (sticking his tongue out) WAZUUUUUUP?
The phone rings.
CALLER: WAZUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
SPIKE: (waving his tongue around) WAZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPP!
CALLER: Nothin', chillin', drinking a beer, watchin' the game…
LEGATO: True, true…
CALLER: Hi Dominique!
DOMINIQUE: Hello! With whom am I speaking?
CALLER: Don't you recognize my voice? It's me!
DOMINIQUE: (snidely) 'Me'? Oh, that's VERY helpful, thank you.
CALLER: Come on! Think hard…Big, purple suit…
DOMINIQUE: (clapping her hands together in excitement) BARNEY? IS THAT YOU? YAY! I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH! CAN YOU SING THE SONG? (singing) I love you, you love me, let's kill folks for spring cleaning!
CALLER: Um…not quite. I'll give you a hint. Think…twenty years spent in training to destroy Vash the Stampede…big guns…bank vault…does this sound familiar?
DOMINIQUE: Hmmm….this is a tough one. Schmookums?
SPIKE: Who the hell is Schmookums? Was he the 50th Gung Ho Gun that nobody ever saw 'cause he was lame? What was his trick, humping legs or something?
LEGATO: No,no,no that was Fido's trick but he died years and years ago. Schmookums didn't really have a gimmick, he just kind of…stood there. He wasn't very deadly but I think the Master kept him around for a coat rack for many, many years.
CALLER: Okay, I'll give you another hint...my name starts with an 'M' and rhymes with 'Bonehead the Pale'…
DOMINIQUE:…
LEGATO: PLEASE tell me you've gotten it now…
SPIKE: Hell, I'VE got it and it wasn't even my show…
DOMINIQUE: Midvalley? If this is you I'm damned pissed about being dead and all…
CALLER: NO IT'S NOT MIDVALLEY! Does 'Midvalley' rhyme with 'Bonehead the Pale'?
SPIKE: No…but then, what does?
LEGATO: (sarcastically) Hmm…geee..I don't know maybe…Monev the Gale?
DOMINIQUE: (scratches her head) No, I don't think that's it…
MONEV: Yes, YES! That IS it! God, did you lose your mind when you died or what?
DOMINIQUE: (obviously hurt and on the verge of tears) That's not very nice. Thanks for bringing up painful memories. All the doctors say I'll be fine soon…
MONEV: God! We were pinned to the same wall in Augusta together…Think…E.G. Mine…Big spikey things…How do you forget something like that?
DOMINIQUE: Hey look! This table is a coffin!
MONEV: Hello… Are you ignoring me?
LEGATO: Seems that way…
DOMINIQUE: I like puppies too!
SPIKE: What the f…
MONEV: Listen you crazy one-eyed bitch! Don't think you can treat me like this! When I get my hands on you I'm going to smash your skull with my mighty pectoral muscles of steel! And then, I'll use my massive abdominal strength to squish your insides like…
LEGATO: Well! Looks like it's time to say 'goodbye' to our caller…
SPIKE: Thanks for calling Monev…Tough break about your dad and all. Have a nice afterlife…
MONEV: Wait! I didn't get to ask my que…
SPIKE hangs up the phone.
SPIKE and LEGATO look worriedly at DOMINQUE who is staring off into space. LEGATO waves his favorite hand in front of her face and snaps his fingers.
DOMINIQUE: (suddenly becoming alert) Hey…was that Monev on the phone just now? Why didn't he stick around to say 'hi'?
SPIKE falls onto the floor twitching.
LEGATO: Hmm…let's take another caller.
Static and then a cruel voice
CALLER: Legato? Are you there?
LEGATO falls onto his hands and knees in worship.
LEGATO: Yes Master! I'm here!
SPIKE: 'Master'?
KNIVES: Faithful as always, Legato. I'm impressed. First, let me say how happy I am with the head-case you've turned Vash into. Killing you was the single most influential moment of his life. It's right up there with Rem going 'BOOM'! Really! Had I known that making him kill you could be so effective, you would have been dead years and years ago.
LEGATO: Thank you Master!
SPIKE: Excuse me! Did you just THANK him?
KNIVES: Secondly I'd like to tell Dominique how utterly disappointing she is in every way and remind her that she's filthy human scum even while she's dead.
DOMINIQUE: Chicken's taste good raw…
KNIVES: (ignoring her) Lastly, Legato, I want to tell you that you forgot to take the trash out before you died and that now my entire fortress smells funny.
LEGATO: Master…I am eternally apologetic…
KNIVES: Don't be! Even in death you are my most devoted and faithful follower. The smell has turned into a noxious odor that torments all the residents of towns within 500 Isles of it. They turn strange colors and feel the urge to jump off cliffs while singing the theme to "Happy Days."
SPIKE: Well, if you've gotta go…
LEGATO: Oh thank you Master! I live…er…die…er…stay dead to serve you!
KNIVES: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyway, I am very excited at this development. It aids me in my ultimate goal.
SPIKE: Care to share with the rest of the children?
KNIVES: Why not? I have recently devised a clever way to destroy all of humanity leaving only Vash and I to share a paradise rid of their putrescence. Here's the deal: Originally, I was going to skin Wolfwood's disgusting children alive and stuff them to make fancy throw pillows for the sitting room. But when Vash seemed thoroughly against this idea, I developed another plan. By letting them live and slowly manipulating their ideas, all 10 of Wolfwood's children can become my army! They will be the second generation of Gung Ho Guns…I choose to call them 'Mini Gung Ho Guns'! BWA HA HA HA!
LEGATO: (smiles and all the flowers in the world die) That's brilliant!
SPIKE: That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
DOMINIQUE: Rainbows sometimes eat children…
KNIVES: Unfortunately I have to go…that idiot girl Milly has arranged a game of twister and they're making me operate the spinner…
A voice is heard over the phone, it sounds very much like a red-clad main character we all know and love. "Knives come on! This is going to be so much fun! Remember, you promised not to shoot everyone who lands on yellow, okay?"
KNIVES: Curses…How can I enjoy myself? Ah ha! There ARE ways around this…I'll shoot everyone who lands on green! BWA HA HA HA!
The line goes dead. LEGATO returns to his chair.
DOMINIQUE: Was that the Master on the phone?
SPIKE: Don't worry about it…just count the voices in your head, okay?
DOMINIQUE: Okay! One…two…three…25…kill, kill, kill
LEGATO: Do we have time for one more caller?
DIRECTOR: Yeah, but make it brief…
Static and then a snappy voice:
CALLER: Hey brush head!
SPIKE: Ewwww…
FAYE: Don't sound so enthusiastic…
DOMINIQUE: But he wasn't enthusiastic at all, he said "Ewwww…"
LEGATO: If you recall, you were counting the voices…
DOMINIQUE: Oh! Right! One thousand ONE! One thousand TWO! One thousand THREE! Peanuts, peanuts, death…
SPIKE: What do you want?
FAYE: Is that any way to talk to your old comrade?
SPIKE: Cut the crap.
FAYE: Ouch! Have a bad death? Too bad!
LEGATO: This woman is very frightening…she should have been a Gung Ho Gun…
SPIKE: Just tell me what you want so I can get back to my afterlife…
FAYE: Fine. How much do you think a cybernetic arm would go for on the black market?
LEGATO: Believe me…the demand for that product is higher than you may think…
SPIKE: (stroking his chin and thinking) Hmm…a cybernetic…WAIT A MINUTE! What are you doing selling a cybernetic arm…Did you take Jet's arm?
FAYE: (feigning innocence) Hmm? What was that?
LEGATO: She is a marvel…so talented in her ways…
SPIKE: Listen…give Jet back his arm, okay? Go try to make an honest living somewhere…
FAYE: Where's the fun in that? Jet won't be needing it anyway…
SPIKE: What's THAT supposed to mean? He was a little weak when I last spoke to him but I'm sure he lived because…guess what? He's not here! Which means he's still alive and in need of his arm!
FAYE: He's a window washer…you only need ONE arm…okay?
SPIKE: (eyebrow twitching) You really are heartless…
FAYE: Survival of the fittest. Besides, I already spent all the money I got from selling Ed to the circus.
SPIKE: WHAT!
LEGATO: I must…make her mine…
DOMINIQUE: And then…the RABBITS attacked!
FAYE: Anyway, I was thinking maybe you knew somewhere good to sell it or knew somebody with connections who wouldn't go to the police…
SPIKE: (rubbing his temple as if a headache is forming) Faye… exactly HOW did you get Jet's arm from him?
FAYE: Blowtorch…I mean…ah…he lost it in a bet!
LEGATO: Come! Be my Bride!
FAYE:…Um…Spike…what is he talking about?
SPIKE: Don't worry about it. Faye, this is the last time I'm going to say this…Give Jet back his arm, get Ed back from the circus and get a real job…
LEGATO: And then join me in eradicating the human race! Stand by me as my wife and equal! My master would like you. You are as soul-less and corrupt as he is…perhaps he'll be my best man…
FAYE: (to LEGATO) No way! ( to SPIKE) Anyway, you won't help me? Fine! I'll find a buyer on my own!
The line goes dead.
LEGATO: Come back my…Princess of Darkness…
SPIKE stares at him in disgust and DOMINIQUE makes her fingers do the macarena.
SPIKE: Well…that's all the time we have for today's show.
LEGATO: (sobbing gently) Join us next time when…
A voice from off stage screams, "Wait!"
ALL turn their heads to see WOLFWOOD running awkwardly towards them. He moves as if he's in pain…
WOLFWOOD: No way! I'm not letting you take over my show, Bluesummers! You kill me, you redecorate my set, you sit in my spot…
SPIKE: He took my coffee mug!
WOLFWOOD: (shaking his head in disapproval) And you took Spike's mug…that's the last straw!
DOMINIQUE: Buffalo gals won't you come out tonight, come out tonight…
LEGATO: Hmm? Congratulations on the successful…extraction of your arm…But, about the show, surely, some arrangement can be reached.
WOLFWOOD: Yeah. You leave and Spike and I get our show back the way it was, got it?
LEGATO: I don't think so…have you seen the dressing room I get? I'm not willing to part with that. Though you seem more than ready to return to the Heavenly emergency room…
To be continued…