A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:
We realize that we have neglected to point out the painfully obvious fact that the hosts of the "Afterlife Coffee Break" actually originate from shows and games that we do NOT own. They're not ours, you know the legal jazz. Of course, we're supposed to say that "we aren't making any money of them" and all that happy horse-shit, but that would be a big, fat lie. Advertising and lucrative product lines based on this show keep us rolling in money, drugs and horny prostitutes. We get so much ass that it should be illegal. Now that you mention it, it IS illegal. Anyway, don't tell on us. Cuban cigars aren't SO bad, right?
A NOTE ON SPELLING:
Transcripts are funny sometimes. You go back through them after the show is recorded and aired and suddenly realize "Oops, the stupid writers spelled something wrong!" When this situation arises, you have several courses of action. You can either fire them, forgive them and let them write another chapter, or kill them. We plead the fifth and refuse to tell you which of these options we resorted to. Without fingerprints, you have nothing. No proof. Nada. Suffice it to say that there is a blatant spelling mistake in the transcripts from episodes four and five and that it was too late to fix when they were printed and shipped out. A concerned viewer, Jaina, did point out this mistake and it has been repaired for later episodes. Thnk yuu, Jainaaa, we relly aprecate the hep with spelig.
PARENTAL ADVISORY: MATURE CONTENT
The language hasn't gotten any better. The violence might have gotten worse. But this time, we've thrown in drug use just to be extra-specially offensive. You can thank us later. Really.
EPISODE IV: Battleship!
*****
HEAVEN. NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and LEGATO BLUESUMMERS are giving and receiving the ass kickings of their afterlives. SPIKE SPIEGEL is sneakily taking his coffee mug back to protect it from the carnage while they throw each other around. The set is a mess (messier than the dungeon was before and that's saying a lot) and, in general, there is chaos in HEAVEN.
Suddenly, the phone rings. SPIKE looks around for it while WOLFWOOD and LEGATO freeze with their hands around each other's necks to listen to the sound. The ringing is very muffled; obviously the phone has been knocked down by their fight and is hidden under something. Finally, turning the coffin right side up, SPIKE sees the phone laying under DOMINIQUE who was crushed underneath the makeshift coffee table. She's not moving but seems to be aliv…er...dead, so he happily kicks her to one side and grabs the receiver.
SPIKE: Uh…hello?
WOLFWOOD sneakily lands a punch on LEGATO while they listen.
LEGATO: Ouch!
WOLFWOOD: (laughs very loudly) Sissy!
SPIKE: (to them) Shhhh! (to the CALLER) Yes, I'm still here…Do you mean…(he glances at the other two, still strangling each other)…Will that be…yes, I understand…immediately…right. WHERE!? No, no, no, that's not a problem…NO! I mean…I'm not really interested in that sort of thing so…Did you say 'smoking'? Never mind, I'll do it…Yes, I'll tell them…right away…bye.
LEGATO and WOLFWOOD are leaning in with interest to the one-sided dialogue. SPIKE hangs up the phone and forces a smile.
WOLFWOOD: Well? Who was that and…Aggghhhh, stop!
LEGATO is beating his head into a wall.
SPIKE: Could you stop for a minute?
LEGATO: (looks really disappointed) I stopped earlier. I waited through the entire telephone conversation.
WOLFWOOD: Yeah, you're patience personified…Ack my nose!
SPIKE: Dammit! Stop for a minute, I've got to ask you something. Well, it's not so much a question as a request…or a demand…okay it's an order if you value your souls.
WOLFWOOD and LEGATO stare at him in confusion. They stop trying to kill…er…severely injure each other for a moment to listen.
WOLFWOOD: You're not making sense.
SPIKE: Oh trust me, it's gonna make a lot of sense in a minute. So…how do you guys feel about a field trip?
WOLFWOOD: That depends on what kind of place we're going to.
SPIKE: You don't really have a choice, but…what kind of place are you hoping for?
WOLFWOOD: (getting excited) Somewhere warm!
SPIKE: Oh…it's pretty warm
WOLFWOOD: (claps his hands together) How about hot babes?
SPIKE: Real hot…
WOLFWOOD: Can we smoke?
SPIKE: More smoking than you may actually want…
LEGATO: (jumping up and down in happiness) Can there be molten pits of lava, putrid vats of filth, tortured screaming people and eternal suffering and pain?
SPIKE: (pauses to look mildly disgusted but shrugs it off) Congratulations! You get all of that and more if you can name that angry deity!
WOLFWOOD collapses in sheer agony while LEGATO weeps tears of pure joy.
WOLFWOOD: Angry deity? Are you saying God is miffed about our little fight?
SPIKE: Little? You guys are trying to kill each other AGAIN during a broadcast that goes out all over Heaven! You're a bad influence on the other dead anime characters. We've got innocent flower girls attacking people because of you guys! You're a bad example and somebody thinks you need a lesson.
LEGATO: (looking at WOLFWOOD intensely) To think…All I had to do to get out of this miserable place was try to make your arm a permanent fixture in your-
WOLFWOOD: (interrupting) Excuse me! Geez Legato, I can't believe you're happy about this! (stops to thinks about what he just said for a moment while SPIKE and LEGATO stare at him like he's stupid) Yeah, you're right, I'm not surprised at all. So we're going to Hell?
SPIKE: Eventually. We've got a little pit stop to make first.
LEGATO: (very depressed and whining like Veruca Salt from Willie Wonka) But whyyyy? I want to go to Hell NOW!
SPIKE: And we all WANT you to go to Hell now, but we've got to go to Purgatory first.
LEGATO: With all those quitters?
SPIKE: Quitters? I'm not following you.
WOLFWOOD: (matter-of-factly) Think about it, he has a point. Purgatory is like…it's like using the patch or nicotine gum or eating carrot sticks or something like that. I'd much rather skip all the wishy-washy people who want to get out punishment for all the shit they caused and go right to the sinners who stuck to their guns like "I'm a murderer and I'm proud!"
SPIKE: (rubbing his head and frowning) Um…did you just agree with Legato?
Silence descends upon the set. Though they can't see it, little sections of Hell are freezing over slowly and somewhere, pigs are being sucked, feathers and all, into jet engines.
WOLFWOOD: I…I…I feel so dirty…
LEGATO: (ignores him) When do we leave?
SPIKE: Well, try now.
WOLFWOOD and LEGATO: Now?
A trap door opens underneath their feet. They have five seconds to look down, notice that they're about to fall and clutch each other helplessly as LEGATO holds up a sign that says "Yikes!" before they disappear through the trap door.
WOLFWOOD: (as GOOFY) Yaaaaa Whooo Whoooo Hooey!
SPIKE is left alone on the set. He looks down at DOMINIQUE who is stirring somewhat.
SPIKE: (looking upwards) Okay…hit me with the trap door, I'm used to falling from high places.
A trap door opens underneath his feet and he falls just as 'Green Bird' starts to play. DOMINIQUE stands up and walks to the trap door. She studies it for a moment and looks surprised in slow motion as a GRENADE bounces past her.
DOMINIQUE: (watching the GRENADE with horror) Ahhh…shit.
The set goes 'BOOM!' (all in slow motion, of course!)
***** (This is a patented scene change identifier. We're making money of it too. So there.)
SPIKE opens his eyes and looks over at the long-haired blonde sitting nearby. Eyes still fuzzy, he's sure it's JULIA beside him. She is humming an all too familiar song in a lovely voice while his vision blurs in and out. (Oh! Just go watch "Ballad of Fallen Angels" again! It's number five! Geez!)
VOICE: You're finally awake, you've been asleep for a whole ***** now. We were worried about you.
SPIKE blinks repeatedly and then rubs his eyes fiercely.
SPIKE: Dammit Legato! Get the hell away from me and take off that damn wig!
LEGATO: (sighs and takes off the wig) You have no appreciation for comedic genius.
WOLFWOOD: Uh…What the hell is up with this place?
PURGATORY. They are in a pristine office building with row upon row of cubicles. Fluorescent lights keep it brightly lit and a horrible elevator-music version of "Soundlife" is playing.
LEGATO: (falling on his knees and clutching at his ears) Agony…unendurable….agony…
WOLFWOOD: Okay, Spike, this sucks. What exactly are we doing here?
Just then, a FILM CREW falls from the sky and lands beside them.
SPIKE: We're doing an on-location interview.
WOLFWOOD: Who's important enough to interview here?
LEGATO: (recovering somewhat) No one. Just a bunch of quitters.
WOLFWOOD: Quitters…Hey, that reminds me! We're not in Heaven anymore! We can smoke!
SPIKE: (cautioning) You don't want to do that…
WOLFWOOD: (ignoring SPIKE, he lights up, takes a long drag and has an expression on his face like Christmas came early) That…tastes…SO GOOD!
SPIKE: Bye, bye.
WOLFWOOD: What?
SPIKE: I tried to tell you…
A trap door opens beneath WOLFWOOD'S feet. He looks down, looks back up, runs in mid-air, stops, then holds up a sign that reads, "Fuck you Legato" before falling through the trap down.
LEGATO: (thoroughly amused, buy trying not to show it) What just happened?
SPIKE: It's Purgatory. You're supposed to be…you know…a quitter.
LEGATO: So where's he going?
SPIKE: Hell.
LEGATO: Got a light?
SPIKE: YOU DON'T SMOKE!
LEGATO: I do now.
SPIKE: (frustrated) We have an interview to do. You can stay here and do your job, or you can go to Hell where Wolfwood is…who you hate, remember?
LEGATO: That's nothing special…I hate everything, except the Master…and cheesecake…and my Princess of Darkness…and sometimes a nice game of Battleship isn't bad either…
SPIKE: Fine…have it your way. (gives LEGATO a cigarette and a light)
LEGATO: (he takes a long drag and his eyes suddenly cloud over) Whoo…the colors…what am I smoking, man?
SPIKE: (scratches his chin) Hmmm…I think I may have given you one of those 'special' cigarettes I got from Jet's private stash…
LEGATO: You know…your hair looks like a big, fuzzy, green battleship right now…
SPIKE waits patiently for the trap door to appear and then frowns.
SPIKE: I wonder why you aren't disappearing…lemme think…(turns to LEGATO who is swaying with the elevator music and holding up a peace sign) Got it! Because you never smoked before, it's not like you're returning to some sin that you're supposed to be giving up. In other words, you're not a quitter. You'll have to return to one of your old vices if you want to go to Hell immediately. Why not try kicking a few babies or licking your hand obscenely?
LEGATO: (singing to the music and looking very happy) Sooooo! And on the thirtieth evening, all the children of love and peace sat down and smoked a fat doobie…Soundlife! SOOUUNNND-LIIIIIIIIFE!
SPIKE: Ugh…
LEGATO: (falls over) I'm so…hungry all of a sudden…Got any cheesecake?
One of the members of the FILM CREW brings him a piece of cheesecake.
LEGATO: (digs in and looks as happy as he might if all of humanity suddenly dropped dead) That…tastes…SO GOOD!
A trap door opens up beneath him. And, as he's too damn high to do anything clever, he simply falls through.
LEGATO: I'm flying! I'm flying!
SPIKE is once again left alone.
SPIKE: Well, looks like I'm doing this interview solo…
*****
HELL. Molten pits of lava, putrid vats of filth, tortured screaming people and eternal suffering and pain. You get the idea.
WOLFWOOD plops down on a nice warm patch of Hell and commences to smoke five cigarettes at once.
WOLFWOOD: Oh yeah…I think I'll just stay right here…
LEGATO lands beside him a second later.
WOLFWOOD: Or maybe not…
LEGATO: (slurring) Hey Nick! How ya doin'? You know what…I've got to tell you something…I love you, man…
WOLFWOOD: (sniffing the air) Are you…are you high?
LEGATO: No, I don't think so. But Spike did give me this nice little cigarette and I keep seeing happy little bunnies…
WOLFWOOD: (shaking his head) This is almost cruel. You finally get to be in Hell and you're too high to even enjoy…er…suffer through it. I almost feel bad for you.
A few levels below them, SATAN pulls on a heavy coat, shivers and really starts to wonder what the hell (forgive the pun) is going on.
WOLFWOOD shakes himself back to his senses then looks across Hell and sees something very strange in the distance. It looks to be a studio made to look like a living room. There's a coffee table and on it is a telephone and two very large beer glasses. The first glass reads "I'm a living heart donor" and the second reads "My mother says you're a bitch and that it's okay if I burn your village". In the background are pictures of burning villages and exploding spaceships, little touches to make the hosts feel at home. 'VISCOUS' (too damn evil for a last name) sits beside SEPHIROTH (also, seemingly too evil for a last name) in sleek leather furniture.
The studio lights come on and they stare at the camera without bothering to look pleasant or smile.
VISCOUS: Welcome to the "Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, and, of course, Smoking Break". I'm your host, Viscous, and this is Sephiroth.
SEPHIROTH: Hello puppets.
VISCOUS: Today, we'll be discussing the same thing we do in every episode…
BOTH: How awful it is to be dead when there are so many people left to kill.
WOLFWOOD watches all of this as he slowly approaches the set. LEGATO swaggers along beside him.
WOLFWOOD: This is NOT good…this is not good at all.
LEGATO: (slowly returning to himself) Yeah, I know what you mean…I'm ten times more evil than Sephiroth…this should be my show…
WOLFWOOD looks at him worriedly.
VISCOUS: In case you didn't know…we were both killed…
SEPHIROTH: Murdered by impertinent little spikey-haired losers…
VISCOUS: Ripped from our lofty positions just when success seemed imminent…
SEPHIROTH: Smashed, decimated…
VISCOUS: Thoroughly ass kicked and bitch slapped…but at least I can always say that I took the little fucker with me which, of course, you cannot.
SEPHIROTH: Hah! You had it easier than me. You only had to fight one guy with bad hair, I had like six! It wasn't even a fair fight. One day they must have gotten out of bed and thought, "Hey, I know! Let's fight the supreme, alien creature with as many people and weapons as we can find…it doesn't matter that there's only ONE of him and like 18 of us…that seems perfectly fair to me…what do you think, Tifa?" (his voice suddenly becomes high-pitched and girly) "Oh Cloud, that's a great idea!"
VISCOUS: Bitter, much?
SEPHIROTH: Fuck you!
LEGATO and WOLFWOOD watch as the show continues and only one of them is horrified….
*****
PURGATORY. The same…except the bad version of "Soundlife" has ended. Now they're playing "The Hotel California" and it's a terrible version…really…just…awful…
SPIKE looks at the camera.
SPIKE: Hello, welcome to the "Afterlife Coffee Break." Nicholas and Legato are both in Hell right now so I'll be doing the show solo. I'm reporting live from Purgatory and gearing up to interview a special guest. He really needs no introduction, but we're gonna give him one anyway. This man played both sides of the fence and he did it with style! Not only did he get to bang one of the hottest women in all of anime, but he got to do it over and over and over again! Everyone, welcome Kaji, Evangelion's double agent!
KAJI: (waves smoothly) Hey!
SPIKE: We'll be taking some calls later, but first, let's get started…
To be continued…