A NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS:
This musical number is NOT original to the show. But since this is supposed to be the "Special Edition" we figured we'd add a few "special" things just to be cute and give you a little extra bit of joy. Or maybe we're doing it just to be assholes. We can do that, you know. Just think of this as "bonus material" like on a DVD. Only we're not going to make you go through some ridiculous puzzle or game to access it. We hate it when they do shit like that.
SUGGESTIONS:
If you have a version of "I Will Survive", play it now and sing along. Have fun. Legato did...
*****
HEAVEN: The set is decorated with disco balls and flashing lights ("Saturday Night Fever" style...) LEGATO, WOLFWOOD and SPIKE are dressed in leisure suits. Though this getup is a change for LEGATO, nobody really notices that SPIKE and WOLFWOOD are dressed in anything too different. Three microphones are set up on a stage...
Music begins to play and SPIKE approaches a microphone. He opens his mouth to sing, but mainly, he's just a talking along with the music. He has a rather sad, emotional voice...
SPIKE: First I was afraid, I was petrified...
LEGATO: (appearing alongside SPIKE smoothly, he grabs his microphone with finesse and belts his heart out) Kept thinkin' I could never live without Master by my side...
WOLFWOOD: (scowling at LEGATO, he walks up to his own microphone and begins talking without taking the cigarette out of his mouth) But then I spent so many nights, thinkin' how Legato did me wrong...
SPIKE: (suddenly seething) I grew strong JULIA! I learned HOW TO CARRY ON!
LEGATO: (dancing along) You came down here, from outer space! I just joined up with you to help eliminate the human race...
DIRECTOR: That's NOT how the song goes!
LEGATO flips him off and MOONWALKS.
WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) I should have killed you when I could, I should have shot you in the head...
SPIKE: To live through all those episodes, and still end up REAL dead!
WOLFWOOD: (still to LEGATO) Go on now GO! Walk out the door. Just turn around now! You're not welcome anymore!
SPIKE: (crying into a tissue and looking miserable, he stares into the camera imploringly) Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with me goodbye, Julia? You think I'd crumble? You think I'd lay down and die?
LEGATO: Um...didn't you?
SPIKE: OH NO NOT I!
WOLFWOOD: (contradicting him) You sure DID die!
LEGATO: As sure as we're in heaven now, it's true that we got fried...
WOLFWOOD: (bitterly) I had all my life to live...
SPIKE: I had all MY LOVE to GIVE you COW!!!
DIRECTOR: (taking large gulps from a bottle of Crown) Ah hell, I didn't need a job anyway...
LEGATO: We sure did die...
ALL: We sure did diiiieeeee!!!
LEGATO: (beating a car with a crowbar and then grabbing his crotch) Hey, HEY!!!!
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
SPIKE looks even more depressed and starts tossing back shots. He shares them with the DIRECTOR who really doesn't look like he needs anymore. LEGATO performs the entire dance routine to "Thriller" complete with a ghoul ensemble. WOLFWOOD squeezes one eye closed, holds his fingers before the other and while mashing his first finger and thumb together brutally he chants at LEGATO "I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head..." He says it in a Scottish accent and we're not entirely sure why...
END MUSICAL INTERLUDE.
SPIKE: (somewhat drunkenly) It took all the strength I had, not to fall apart, kept tryin' hard to mend the pieces of my broken-
LEGATO: Spaceship!
SPIKE glares at him, LEGATO seems unfazed...
WOLFWOOD: And I spent so many nights just feeling sorry for myself, I used to cry...
LEGATO: Sissy!
WOLFWOOD: (angrily to LEGATO) Just wishin' you WOULD DIE!
LEGATO: (really getting into it now) And see me now, somebody new! I'm not that chained up little person...
WOLFWOOD: (disgusted) Chains? That's kinkier than I wanted to know...
LEGATO has the decency to look offended. SPIKE continues singing as if he didn't notice the interruption in the song...
SPIKE: ...still in LOVE with you!!!
WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) So you just FELT like killin' me...?
LEGATO: (grinning wickedly) Yep! And I did it all for free!
SPIKE: Now I'm dead and so are you...
LEGATO: But isn't death just so damn cool!
WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) Go on now GO! Just leave and run! Please GO AWAY now! Or I'll have to use a gun!
SPIKE: Weren't you the one who was supposed to love me but ended up conspiring to shoot me and leave me searching for three LONG years for you and you didn't call or write or send a frikin' postcard at all, making me live on a gross old ship that smelled like fish and housed alien lifeforms with lousy shipmates and a yappy dog?
LEGATO and WOLFWOOD stare at SPIKE while the music clunks along in the background almost sadly. SPIKE is pulling at his hair and looking a tad bit deranged. LEGATO gives an embarrassed little laugh and tries to finish the song...
LEGATO: Um...You think I'd crumble?
WOLFWOOD: (regretfully) Did I crawl to a church and die?
LEGATO: (excitedly) Oh yeah, that's right!
SPIKE: (as if realizing it for the first time) We sure DID die!
WOLFWOOD: But since the psycho-fuck died too, I guess I'll do all right...
LEGATO: (sarcastically) But "you had all your life to live..."
WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) I'm crushing your head, I'm crushing your head...
SPIKE: I had all my love...to...(sob)...give...(sniffle)
LEGATO: We sure DID die!
ALL: We sure did diiieeeee! We sure did diiiiiieeeee!
The music ends, the disco balls raise and the trio strikes impressive, Charlie's Angel poses. Then SPIKE and the DIRECTOR pass out in drunken stupors and LEGATO and WOLFWOOD are left with nothing to do but play Battleship. LEGATO cheats the whole time...
To be continued...
A PARTING NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS:
We would now like to extend an offer and ask for a bit of help. "The Afterlife Coffee Break" IS pre-recorded, but the "bonus material" is another story. What we mean is, although suggestions are rather impossible for the actual episodes, the editors are willing and hoping to go through their archives and put together little snippets like this one based on viewer feedback and comments. We have lots of embarrassing footage of Legato trying to knit, if you're interested. And don't get us started on the dreaded "Llama Incident." If you would like to see deleted scenes such as these or have any other ideas, including characters you want to pop up, please do feel free to send us your ideas. The llama is waiting.