A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS
Bad language, good. Destruction good. Drug use, bad. But drug use funny. Bad spelling, bad. Bad spelling, here. Is big glaring mistake. You see mistake? We sorry for bad spelling. It fixed next chapter. OOC, here. Ignore OOC. Me Tarzan. You Jane.
A NOTE ON NEON GENESIS EVANGELION
Yeah, if you haven't seen that show and all that, this might not be the episode to watch. And stuff like that. Ya, know? Right.
EPISODE V: The Murderer Formerly Known as Sephiroth
*****
HELL. On the set of the "Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, and, of course, Smoking Break." 'VISCOUS' and SEPHIROTH are interviewing a special guest, DR. NAOKO AKAGI (Ritsuko's mom from Evangelion). NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and LEGATO BLUESUMMERS are watching the filming from a distance. LEGATO is slowly coming off a major high from a 'cigarette' he got from SPIKE and WOLFWOOD is trying not to be disgusted by the scene before him.
'VISCOUS': (paraphrasing) So...you're saying that all of this-- my hatred of Spike and Julia and all the anger I feel...it all relates back to such an insignificant event?
DR. NAOKO AKAGI: (nodding her head sagely) Essentially...yes. By understanding this, you can learn to forgive and move on with your afterlife.
SEPHIROTH: (looks genuinely impressed) Such a simple reason...it's amazing I never considered it. All this time, you've hated them and it all relates to the event which Dr. Akagi had just described...
VISCOUS: Yes...it seems so obvious now...
DR. NAOKO AKAGI: I'm amazed no one has ever said it before...
WOLFWOOD and LEGATO are standing a little ways off watching the show.
WOLFWOOD: What the hell? Is it just me or do you NOT have any idea what they're talking about? I mean, they haven't once said what it is that makes Viscous such a bastard.
LEGATO: Haven't you been paying attention? They've done everything but paint a picture to explain it.
WOLFWOOD: Have I told you that I hate you?
LEGATO yawns and looks bored.
VISCOUS: (a tear gently falls down his face) I...I can't believe it. I feel so...refreshed...Thank you so much!
DR. NAOKO AKAGI: (looking a little embarrassed) It was nothing really...It's simple logic if you think about it...
VISCOUS: No, no...really, I think I can finally forgive. I feel like a new man! You've worked a miracle...
SEPHIROTH: That was truly amazing Doctor. Do you think you could do me next? (The producers would like to say that there is no double meaning intended in that sentence. Really.)
DR. NAOKO AKAGI: (looking horrified) Hell no! You're a sick little bastard and I'm not about to analyze your demented world!
SEPHIROTH (frowns and gets that "I'm going to jump from the sky and run you through with my mile long sword while smiling" look on his face.) What did you say, human?
DR. NAOKO AKAGI: Ahem...I mean...uh...What I MEANT to say was that...I'm not really that kind of doctor. I specialize in computer science...bio-mechanical engineering and the like. I worked almost exclusively with computers; designing, building and maintaining the MAGI for Gendo...darling Gendo, who I love...with all my heart...(her eye begins to twitch and she starts to shake violently) I HATE YOU GENDO! YOU WHORE OF A MAN! YOU MAN SLUT! (slaps herself) I mean...darling Gendo...darling, darling...
SEPHIROTH: And you called ME a sick little bastard...
VISCOUS: (looks very stunned for a moment) Dr. Akagi...are you saying that...you aren't qualified to give the in-depth, psychological analysis that you just gave me?
DR. NAOKO AKAGI: Yeppers.
VISCOUS: Then...everything you said could be wrong?
DR. NAOKO AKAGI: Yeah, it's probably all bullshit...
VISCOUS is silent for a moment. He stands, draws his sword and commences to chase her around the studio.
DR. NAOKO AKAGI: (running like the wind) Holy shit! Somebody help me! Gendo! Ritsuko! Anybody!
They run off the set and SEPHIROTH is suddenly left alone. He looks very uncomfortable...
SEPHIROTH: (looking nervously at the camera) Hi...guess it's just me for a moment...(gives a paranoid and freakish laugh) You know... the truth is...I get camera shy....I can't stand to be by myself on the set...It makes me feel like an experiment...like everyone's watching me to see what I can do...like I'm just a toy for everyone's enjoyment. (starts to grip the sides of the chair angrily)
WOLFWOOD: What the hell is his problem?
LEGATO: This is fun.
SEPHIROTH: (seething) I HATE feeling like an experiment...it makes me...it makes me want to...it makes me want to KILL!
SEPHIROTH draws his sword and hacks all the furniture to pieces.
LEGATO: I love it here...
VISCOUS returns looking very satisfied with himself until he sees his chair laying in pile on the floor.
VISCOUS: Was that REALLY necessary?
SEPHIROTH: Shut up or you're next.
VISCOUS: Oh yeah?
SEPHIROTH: Yeah! You're just a boo-boo head!
VISCOUS: I know you are but what am I?
SEPHIROTH: I know you are but what am I?
WOLFWOOD: (shaking his head sadly) They're so juvenile...It's a good thing our show is more sophisticated.
LEGATO: (stares at him in disbelief for a minute) I'm going to let that one drop because it's just too easy. But you know..."Sephiroth" is too good a name to waste on a wuss like him...I still maintain that I'm ten times more evil. He probably had his name changed like Puff Daddy
WOLFWOOD: What are you talking about?
LEGATO: You know! We all have to call him "P-Diddy" now! I bet this guy's name was probably something like "Seph-Daddy" or Sean "Sephy" Combs or "The Murderer Formerly Known as Sephiroth".
WOLFWOOD tries his best to ignore LEGATO who continues to go on about Sephiroth probably dropping his last name, "Spears"...
VISCOUS and SEPHIROTH settle into new chairs that a terrified stagehand brings for them.
VISCOUS: All right...now that we've determined that even dead people in Hell can be chopped into little, tiny pieces and fed to my bird, let's have our special guests.
SEPHIROTH: That's right, they've traveled a long way to be with us today. Not only are they the hosts of the highest rated show in Heaven, they're also our only competition during this time slot. Please welcome Nicholas D. Wolfwood and Legato W. Bluesummers!
WOLFWOOD and LEGATO stand stunned for a moment unable to move.
WOLFWOOD: Did they just say...
LEGATO: That WE'RE the special guests?
WOLFWOOD: More importantly, did he just say that your middle initial is "W"?
LEGATO: I have no idea what you're talking about...
WOLFWOOD: Come on! What does it stand for?
LEGATO: That is none of your business....What does the "D" stand for?
WOLFWOOD: None of your business!
LEGATO: Well then...I won't tell if you won't...
VISCOUS: (annoyed) Hello? Are you coming or what?
WOLFWOOD and LEGATO jerkily make their way to chairs that have been set up for them across from the hosts. The wave nervously at the camera. Beer mugs are brought for them, LEGATO'S reads "Hack it, stick it, sew it, lick it" and NICHOLAS' reads "I'm with psycho".
SEPHIROTH: Welcome to the show!
WOLFWOOD: Um...thanks?
LEGATO: (conspiratorially) Whatever "Sephiroth"...if that IS your real name!
SEPHIROTH: (confused) What is that supposed to mean?
LEGATO: I think you KNOW what I mean...
VISCOUS, WOLFWOOD and SEPHIROTH exchange a very confused look. It is obvious that they have all come to the decision to ignore the nutcase with the skull on his shoulder.
VISCOUS: So! I'm not sure if you have heard the news yet, but for the past two airings, your show has beaten us in ratings.
WOLFWOOD: (looks a little surprised) The past TWO shows? Hmm...I wonder why...
LEGATO clasps his hands together and waits patiently.
WOLFWOOD: Well...we did have those two hot girls, Charlotte and Dominique...I guess that must be it...
LEGATO frowns slightly and clears his throat...
WOLFWOOD: So we've lost in ratings up until now?
SEPHIROTH: That's correct, you always take second to us while Tetsuo's "Managing your Uncontrollable Power" takes third. But your last two shows have been real winners...
WOLFWOOD: (scratching his chin) I really can't figure it out...Why were these last TWO shows special? What was different?
LEGATO: (irritated) Hello! Isn't it obvious?
WOLFWOOD: I don't think so...
LEGATO reaches for WOLFWOOD's neck with clawed fingers, hoping to choke him like a chicken but stops when WOLFWOOD turns and catches him. LEGATO plays it off by twiddling his thumbs and whistling.
SEPHIROTH: So...what's it like?
LEGATO and WOLFWOOD give each other a confused look.
LEGATO: What is WHAT like?
SEPHIROTH: You know...Heaven. Any fire?
WOLFWOOD: No...But, (smiles sincerely) it's like...
LEGATO: (interrupting) Having your pubic hair pulled out with tweezers one at a time while ravenous sharks devour your limbs ...
VISCOUS: That good, huh?
LEGATO: No, no, no...this time, it's a BAD thing...
VISCOUS: (very surprised) Really?
WOLFWOOD: (angrily) NO IT'S NOT! Heaven is a great place...No stealing, no lying, no war...nothing but peaceful days...Eden
Somewhere, "Rakuen" begins to play...
LEGATO, VISCOUS and SEPHIROTH: Yuck...
Offstage, the man who sings and hums in the song is inexplicably attacked by a large and strange looking bird that explodes, causing the song to end...
WOLFWOOD: You're just jealous because you're stuck down here.
VISCOUS: Yeah right! Don't go there!
SEPHIROTH: Fo' real tho'! Get that idea outta yo' head, girlfriend!
WOLFWOOD: Then what is it? What makes Hell so great?
SEPHIROTH: Fire, beer, loose women, fire...
VISCOUS: Violence is acceptable,
SEPHIROTH: Fire, I could smoke if I wanted to, I could even smoke IN fire...did I mention the fire?
VISCOUS: I can re-kill whomever I want...
LEGATO: (getting teary-eyed) It's...it's like the most magical place ever...like the Disney Land of psychotic killers.
WOLFWOOD: Yeah...you'd fit right in. Either way, I think we have it better in Heaven...
SEPHIROTH: But...you're always complaining about it.
WOLFWOOD: Am I?
LEGATO: Yes, have you listened to yourself lately?
WOLFWOOD: Um...no.
VISCOUS: Go re-read the first four transcripts and then come back...we'll wait for you.
WOLFWOOD: (trying very hard to remember) Viscous, there's something familiar about your voice...
VISCOUS: (looking shiftily from side to side) I...uh...have no idea why!
WOLFWOOD: (suspiciously) Have you ever called into our show? Something about Spike...
VISCOUS: NO! Ahem...of course not...Just go read the damn transcripts!
WOLFWOOD: Okay (gets up to find the nearest computer with an Internet connection)
SEPHIROTH: While we're waiting for him to return, tell us, what's your favorite part of hosting the "Afterlife Coffee Break"?
LEGATO: My favorite part? Um.... (looks extremely uncomfortable)
VISCOUS: You DO like hosting the show, don't you?
LEGATO: I do...but...my favorite part is...It's...(his eyes grow massive with surprise but nobody can tell because of his hair) My favorite part is...torturing Wolfwood...
LEGATO sits in shock at the realization for a very long time until WOLFWOOD returns.
WOLFWOOD: What's wrong with you Death-Boy?
LEGATO: It's nothing Maggot Food.
*****
PURGATORY. A bad elevator version of "The Girl From Eponema" is playing... SPIKE SPIEGEL and KAJI RYOJI sit on office chairs across from each other. There is a coffee table in front of them with a phone and coffee mugs. SPIKE'S is the same "Space Cowboy" mug that he rescued from LEGATO and KAJI is drinking from one that reads "You get on my NERVs" (Get it? NERV?! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...hmmm...)
SPIKE: (singing "The Girl From Eponema") And as she passes each one she passes goes "ahhh" (looks at the camera) Oops! We're back from commercial. We have Kaji Ryoji with us and he's going to be discussing some very hotly debated subject matter with us. We'll take some calls later, but first, time for the dirt!
KAJI: Oh yeah!
SPIKE: Okay, this is the question on everyone's mind, so you have to really pay attention, okay?
KAJI: (leaning forward) All right...
SPIKE: (very seriously) Don't lie to me, okay...
KAJI: (shifting nervously) Okay...
SPIKE: I want you to tell me honestly...what's Misato like in bed?
KAJI: (choking on his coffee) WHAT?
SPIKE: Come on, tell all!
KAJI: Don't you want to know something important and controversial like...gee, I don't know, who shot me?
SPIKE: Controversial? Are you kidding? I already KNOW who shot you! Hell, EVERYBODY already knows who shot you!
KAJI: No they don't!
SPIKE: Yes they do!
KAJI: (crosses his arms) Well then...who?
SPIKE leans forward and whispers to KAJI.
KAJI: (surprised) Hey! Wow, you do know. Well then, I guess you're probably right. Everybody watching already knows who shot me, so I won't go into it.
SPIKE: Thanks...now about Misato...
KAJI: Oh right! Well, technically, because this is Purgatory, I'm not supposed to talk about all the fun, sinful things I used to do. (The producers would like to reassert the "no double meaning" statement from before. Thank you.)
SPIKE: Oh come on and LIVE a little. (stops to think about what he just said but decides to let it drop)
KAJI: I thought I went into enough detail in the show...
SPIKE: That was hardly enough detail for me. You spent an entire week with her doing nothing but the wild, horizontal monkey dance and I want details!
KAJI: Well, okay...Misato was like a certain breed of...
The phone rings.
SPIKE: (looking very troubled) Um...it's not time for calls yet...
KAJI: That's okay, answer it. It might be a beautiful and adoring fan...
SPIKE hits the speakerphone button.
SPIKE: Hello?
CALLER: (the caller has a very irritated tone of voice) Hello.
KAJI: Ohh... you have a very sexy voice! Did you have a question for me pretty, young lady?
CALLER: Oh yeah, I've got a big question...
KAJI: Well, of course you can have my phone number! (chuckles to himself)
CALLER: Funny, but no. I was more wondering exactly where you get off lying to a girl?
KAJI: Lying? What did I do?
CALLER: (mocking KAJI'S voice) "If I could see you one more time I would say the words I couldn't say 8 years ago". Does this sound familiar?
KAJI: Misato?
SPIKE: (rubbing his hands together in excitement) Yes!
MISATO: Who else would it be? It looks like that was just another one of your empty promises. You could have gotten in touch with me!
KAJI: I'm in Purgatory! I'm supposed to be giving up sinful things...
MISATO: So I'm a sin now! That's not what you said back then!
SPIKE: Please, tell us exactly what he DID say back then...And what you said or screamed back then, too. Include any details that involve words like "undulating" and "groping." Don't leave out any details!
KAJI: (to MISATO) Listen, I honestly would love to see you again, but I have to clean up my act to get in God's good graces. After he forgives me for lying and vanity and lechery and poor personal grooming habits then I can come to see you in...hey, where exactly ARE you?
MISATO: Oh, I'm with Shinji, and Asuka, and Gendo, and Ritsuko, and all of SEELE, and ...well, generally everyone.
KAJI: Oh no, the Human Instrumentality Project...don't tell me that you...
MISATO: Yeah, it sucks, I have to be with everyone from everywhere all the time...Asuka keeps thinking in German. It's impossible to have any time alone...
SPIKE: So...do you actually even count as dead?
MISATO: Hell, I don't know...I don't think Gainax even knows...
SPIKE: (very interested) So somewhere, you STILL have a body, right?
MISATO: Maybe...
SPIKE: (in his best version of a sexy voice) So, what are you doing tonight?
KAJI: Hey! You can't hit on her! She's waiting for me!
SPIKE: I don't think so! It could take ages for you to learn personal grooming habits! I've already got the "Get out of Hell Free Card"! That means that I can pretty much do whatever I want! Well, except for smoke...
KAJI: Don't you think that sex gets ruled out if smoking does?
SPIKE: (ignores him) So Misato...wanna party with a REAL Space Cowboy? (he takes a sip from his mug suavely before he remembers where he got the mug from) Blah! Legato germs! It's so disgusting!
SPIKE runs to go vomit leaving KAJI alone on the set with a seething MISATO on the phone.
KAJI: Sooo.....
MISATO: Don't EVEN try it... I'm still mad at you...And what BREED of what were you going to say I was?
KAJI: (waving his hands defensively) It was nothing! Really!
*****
HELL. No bad music, just screaming people, and fire. But, if P-Diddy got a hold of the screams and re-mixed them with "The Girl from Eponema" I'm sure we would have an instant hit on our hands...Back to the show...
VISCOUS: (trying to sound casual) So where's Spike?
WOLFWOOD: (suspiciously) Doing an interview in Purgatory, why?
VISCOUS: (stiffly) Oh! Well, no reason. It would be nice to see him is all.
ALL fall into a stunned silence. Everyone stares at VISCOUS who looks intently at his hands.
WOLFWOOD: Why? Don't you guys hate each other?
VISCOUS: Oh no! I'm ready to bury the hatchet! Call it a truce! I'm ready to...(as if the words taste bad or are painful to say) be...friends...again...It would be great for him to come down here...You should invite him...
LEGATO: You're lying aren't you? You just want him to come down here so you can do to him what you did to that Doctor...
VISCOUS: (sadly) Yeah, you're right. I was hoping I could trick you, but you figured me out. I really just want to hurt him...a lot. A whole lot.
LEGATO: (pats him on the shoulder to console him) Believe me, I understand. Nobody's mad at you, isn't that right?
SEPHIROTH agrees wholeheartedly and WOLFWOOD feels a headache starting.
VISCIOUS: You know Legato, you're much more understanding than Sephiroth...how long can you stay?
To be continued...