A NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS
Actually, besides the usual warnings (violence, cursing, explosions, bad puns) we have nothing to say. Don't get excited yet, we'll think of something.
A NOTE ON SPELLING
It's fixed now. Are you happy? Huh?!
EPISODE VI: Something's Sticky...
*****
PURGATORY. SPIKE SPIEGEL and KAJI RYOJI are chatting while the film crew cleans up from the interview. The music de jour: "Fly me to the Moon"...
SPIKE: Hey, this is a weird question but, why is Purgatory in an office building?
KAJI: Think about it, you have to WORK to get to Heaven.
SPIKE: Okay, that makes sense in a weird way but, what about the bad music? Is that God punishing you somehow?
KAJI: Nah...I think it's because the corrupt angels that work here all have bad taste in music...they actually LIKE this stuff...
SPIKE: So the bad, elevator music is like a...ballad of fallen angels...
KAJI: (stares at SPIKE for a moment) That was...REALLY bad.
SPIKE: (looks embarrassed) Yeah, you're right. Anyway, thanks for the interview.
KAJI: Oh no, it was no problem, besides, there's something about you that reminds me of myself...
SPIKE: What's that?
KAJI: Poor personal grooming habits. You're as gross as I am. I mean, don't you ever wake up and want to wear something different?
SPIKE: (thinking really hard) Um....no....
KAJI: See! Me neither! That's what I mean! You and me pal...united in filthiness...
SPIKE: Say something like that again and I blow up your cubicle...got it?
KAJI: (worried) You're not joking are you?
SPIKE: Hardly...
KAJI: So now what?
SPIKE: I'm going to Hell to meet up with my co-hosts...let's hope they've learned their lesson...
A trapdoor opens beneath SPIKE and he falls through leaving KAJI all alone.
*****
HELL. On the set of the Afterlife Drinking, Fornicating, Lying, Stealing, Murdering, and, of course, Smoking Break. SEPHIROTH, 'VISCOUS', WOLFWOOD and LEGATO are sitting around tossing back beers and having as good a time as you can have in Hell when you're dead and bitter about it.
WOLFWOOD: (a little drunk)You know 'Viscous' something has really been cracking me up....
'VISCOUS': Laughter is usually forbidden here but out of curiosity, what's so funny?
WOLFWOOD: In the transcripts of your show and even in the script your name is spelled V-i-S-c-o-u-s...There shouldn't be an 'S'!!! And you need an 'I'!!!(Chuckling gently) Isn't that a riot?
'VISCOUS': (frowning) I'm missing the humorous part I think...
LEGATO: Actually, he has a point, it's rather comical...
'VISCOUS': Why dammit?!
WOLFWOOD: (laughing harder) Because you're supposed to be a bad ass and a meanie but that's not what that spelling means...
'VISCOUS': (frustrated) What DOES it mean then?
WOLFWOOD is laughing too hard to answer but LEGATO clears his throat to speak.
LEGATO: Webster's New Dictionary defines 'Viscous" as "Sticky or tenacious" while the Shift+F7 function of Microsoft Word reveals: "Sticky, thick, adhesive, viscid, glutinous, tenacious, ropy, tough...."
WOLFWOOD, 'VISCOUS' and SEPHIROTH fall into complete, shocked silence and stare at LEGATO.
SEPHIROTH: How the hell do you know that?
WOLFWOOD: Yeah, I mean, you sound like a total nerd! (laughing) Did you spend all your time reading as a kid when none of the other kiddies would play with you because you're a freak?
LEGATO drops his head dejectedly, obviously hurt....
WOLFWOOD: (shocked) That's it, isn't it? Oh shit...I'm sorry...I didn't mean to...
'VISCOUS': Dammit, who cares if his feelings are hurt? I've been a glue this entire time! I'm dead horse worked into a thick paste!
SEPHIROTH: YOU said it, we didn't! Besides "Sticky" was in there too and that's WAY too easy to work with...Think of all the things that can be described as "Sticky"...
WOLFWOOD: I'll take "Sticky bodily fluids" for $100 Alex...
SEPHIROTH: That's our Daily Double! Here's your answer: This bodily fluid becomes very important around Valentines day...
'VISCOUS': That's it! (he stands, draws his sword and stalks off stage)
SEPHIROTH: Hey! Where are you going?
'VISCOUS': I've got to go have a word with someone...
'VISCOUS' leaves and SEPHIROTH is left with a depressed LEGATO and a regretful WOLFWOOD.
WOLFWOOD: (cautiously) Look, Legato, I really am sorry...I didn't know.
LEGATO: (sniffling) No, no, it's okay! Make fun of the brain! "There goes Legato with his I.Q. of over 400! He's such a big nobody!"
SEPHIROTH: Is it POSSIBLE to have an I.Q. over 400?
LEGATO: (openly sobbing) The agony!
WOLFWOOD: Come on Legato! This isn't like you! Crack on me...call me a name! Attack me! Make me do the M.C. Hammer. Do anything mean you like to me but PLEASE stop crying!
LEGATO: I...I can't! The memories are too raw...If only you would tell me something about yourself that's equally embarrassing THEN maybe I could forget the harshness of my mortal years when I was scorned and trod upon by all who met me...(sneakily) Maybe you could tell me what your middle name is...
WOLFWOOD: Hell no!
LEGATO: Woe is me! (his tears increase and he falls onto the floor pounding at the ground)
SEPHIROTH: Fuck! Just tell him already! It's not natural to see a grown killer weep like a little sissy...
LEGATO: (on his back and kicking his legs like a roach) Oh! WHY was life SO cruel?!
WOLFWOOD: FINE! Jesus! Just stop already! I'll tell you!
LEGATO: (seems to perk up a bit) I only want to know if it's something terrible and embarrassing...
WOLFWOOD: Humiliations galore!
LEGATO: (sits up and actually looks like his old, evil self again) Ohhh! Do tell!
WOLFWOOD: (takes a deep breath) Dilbert.
SEPHIROTH: D...Dilbert? You're name is Nicholas Dilbert Wolfwood?
LEGATO: That's...that's absolutely awful.
LEGATO and SEPHIROTH sit in silent for a moment before they both fall into uncontrollable fits of laughter.
SEPHIROTH: That's better than 'Viscous' being a sticky substance!
LEGATO: That's better than the taste of Vash's arm!
SEPHIROTH: That's better than making my devoted followers walk off a cliff!
LEGATO: Hell...that's better than battleship and smoking pot!
WOLFWOOD: Okay, that's enough guys...
LEGATO: Oh no 'Dilbert' this is just the beginning!
At that moment, SPIKE falls through the trapdoor and lands smoothly on the empty chair.
SPIKE: Hey. What's up?
LEGATO: Wolfwood's Middle name is "Dilbert"....
WOLFWOOD: I need a smoke...(he fumbles in his jacket and retrieves a cigarette, seriously regretting his decision to tell the psycho his middle name).
SPIKE is about to join him in a smoke when a figure walks up to him and snatches the lighter from his hand.
SPIKE: (standing) Vicious!
SEPHIROTH: Um...don't you mean "Semen boy!"?
VICIOUS: As you can see, those jokes no longer apply, I'm a new man...
LEGATO: Or the same man with a less "Sticky, thick, and adhesive" name...
VICIOUS: (to LEGATO) That's enough! (to SPIKE) So...we meet again...
WOLFWOOD: Is it just me or is that not the dumbest thing you can say when you meet your nemesis for the first time since you killed each other?
VICIOUS: (irritated) Fine! What should I say to him then?
WOLFWOOD: "Are those Bugle boy jeans you're wearing?"
SEPHIROTH: "Do you have any Grey Poupon?"
LEGATO: "Aren't you glad I'm not named after a sticky, bodily fluid anymore?"
SPIKE: (ignoring all of them) Can I have my lighter back?
VICIOUS: Well I'm afraid we have unfinished business. If you want it back, fight me!
SPIKE: How the hell does that work? When both parties are dead, THERE IS NO BUSINESS LEFT TO FINISH!
LEGATO: Spike, don't be silly, only people die; grudges live on forever and ever...
SPIKE: Can't we just bury the hatchet? Call it a truce?
WOLFWOOD: Chicken
LEGATO: Coward.
SEPHIROTH: Puppet.
ALL: (to SEPHIROTH) WHAT?
SEPHIROTH: (embarrassed) Sorry...flashback. You were saying?
VICIOUS: No truces Spike. (draws his sword) I'm looking forward to killing you again. Besides, my bird is hungry. But before we begin...tell me, why DID you love Julia?
SPIKE: Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you NEED somebody to love?
VICIOUS: EVERYBODY wants somebody to love!
SPIKE: You better FIND somebody to love!
VICIOUS and SPIKE slide into fighting stances and somewhere, KMFDM's 'Ultra' begins to play...
SPIKE: Spinning Bird Kick!
VICIOUS: Moon Crescent Power!
They commence to pummel each other to the ground when the phone rings.
WOLFWOOD: I got it...(picks up the receiver and speaks around three cigarettes) Yeah? Oh...yes of course...right. Yes, he's here...(yelling at SPIKE) Say "Hello" Spike!
SPIKE: (his face is pressed into the ground) Melwhooo!
WOLFWOOD: Vicious, wanna give a shout out?
VICIOUS: (getting his head beaten into the wall) Yeah....this one goes out to...all my lil' homies in lock down...I be seein' ya G-Dawgs...Fight the power!
WOLFWOOD: Anything to add Sephiroth?
SEPHIROTH: Yes. Keep it Gansta'.
WOLFWOOD: Legato?
LEGATO: Your name is Dilbert...
WOLFWOOD: (glares at LEGATO then speaks to the caller again) They all say "hi". What sort of a problem? What do you mean? "I'll see when I get back..." What's THAT supposed to mean? No...no...not that I know of...
LEGATO has a bag of popcorn and is watching the fight happily while Sephiroth sharpens his sword on LEGATO'S shoulder spikes. VICIOUS and SPIKE are slapping at each other like children...
SPIKE: (dancing in midair in a sailor uniform) Mercury bubbles!
VICIOUS: (waving his arms wildly) Flying chicken dance of doom!
SPIKE: No Sailor Scout ever said that and neither did any Street Fighter!
VICIOUS: Well aren't WE the little fanboy now! (hits SPIKE with a rubber chicken)
WOLFWOOD: (to the caller) Yes, right away...I'll tell them now...hold please. (to the others) Hey Spike, Legato, let's go!
SPIKE: (gets VICIOUS in a headlock) GIVE ME MY LIGHTER BACK!
VICIOUS: Suck it!
SEPHIROTH: And you wonder WHY you got called something tough and sticky...
WOLFWOOD: (holding his hand over the receiver so the caller can't hear the conflict) The fight is over! Vicious, give him his lighter, dammit!
VICIOUS grudgingly frees himself from the headlock and fishes through his pockets for the lighter. Pulling it out, he hurls it at SPIKE'S head which is protected by his massive hair from any damage it might have caused...
LEGATO: (disappointed) That fight wasn't nearly long enough and nobody had to extract their arm from any 'special places'...what a let-down. (stands to go)
VICIOUS: (recovering from the fight) Legato, are you leaving too?
LEGATO: (looks confused) I...I...
VICIOUS: It would be great for you to stay...you fit right in here...
WOLFWOOD: (to VICIOUS) One big happy psychotic family...
SEPHIROTH: Just like in a fairy tale...
LEGATO, SEPHIROTH, and VICIOUS: (singing to the tune of 'When you Wish Upon a Star') When you wish to kill someone,
it's real fun with sword or gun,
any death your heart desires
will come to them...
SPIKE: (disturbed) Yeah, I'm really ready to go back to Heaven now...who cares if we can't smoke there, at least the people are sane...
WOLFWOOD: (to the caller) What do you mean "He can't come?" (looks at LEGATO)...I...I understand...No, it's fine...really...Yes...I'll pass that along...of course...goodbye. (hangs up the phone looking sad)
LEGATO: What did He say?
WOLFWOOD: Well...it's time to go back to Heaven...
SPIKE: We know THAT but what ELSE did He say?
WOLFWOOD: He said that...Legato has to stay here...
VICIOUS: Yay!
LEGATO: WHAT?
WOLFWOOD: Yes...He says that the violence only started once you joined the show so He's going to let you stay to put an end to it even though He knows that staying will make you really happy...
LEGATO: Yes...really...happy...
SEPHIROTH: This is great! We have three hosts now...One more person and it would be like The View! We could talk about make-up and painting our nails and color coordination! I wonder what Count Magnus Lee is doing during this time slot...
LEGATO: I am SO waaaay more evil than you...
WOLFWOOD: (to LEGATO) Well...congratulations. You finally get what you want.
LEGATO: Of course. I'm finally going to be rid of you Nicholas Dilbert Wolfwood...
WOLFWOOD: (turns his back on him) Spike! Let's roll!
SPIKE: (singing like Ludacris) Roll out! Me and my homies, so drop that! Get out my business, my biznass! Stay the fuck up out my biznass, ahhhh...
SPIKE and WOLFWOOD begin walking up a glistening white staircase that has just appeared.
STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN (Oh you KNEW it was coming....)
SPIKE: You know, the way you're acting, it's almost like you're going to miss Legato...
WOLFWOOD: (scoffing) Yeah right! Like I'm going to miss the guy who killed me. Hah!
SPIKE: (disbelieving) Okay...if you say so.
WOLFWOOD: I DO say so. Anyway, we're going to be getting an additional host too.
SPIKE: Really? Who?
WOLFWOOD: Dunno. They're going to meet us when we get back. By the way, you didn't DO anything to the set did you?
SPIKE: (trying to look innocent) Uh...no....why?
WOLFWOOD: He just sounded a little pissed on the phone and I wondered if it had anything to do with a bad habit you have...
SPIKE: What bad habit is that?
WOLFWOOD: Other than poor personal grooming...you BLOW EVERYTHING UP WITH GRENADES!
SPIKE: I do not!
WOLFWOOD: I'm not going to argue with you! You've blown up everything from churches to skyscrapers with those damn things!
LOTS OF STAIRS LATER...
WOLFWOOD: Why hasn't God gotten more high-tech...What's wrong with an ELEVATOR to Heaven?
SPIKE: (matter-of-factly) Doesn't fit in the song...
MORE STAIRS....
SPIKE: 66 bottles of beer on the wall, 66 bottles of beer, take one down, blow it up with a grenade: 65 bottles of beer on the wall. 65 bottles of beer on the wall...
EVEN MORE STAIRS.
WOLFWOOD: ...So then the guy says "But these breasts ARE mine!" Ha, ha, ha, ha! Get it? Funny, huh?
SPIKE: Not really...
WOLFWOOD: What's your problem? Guys with breasts always make for good jokes...
SPIKE: Did you even WATCH my show?
WOLFWOOD: Sorry I was too busy getting my ASS KICKED in my own show!
AND STILL MORE STAIRS. Sitting a few steps ahead of them is a little FROG...
FROG: This is the stairway to Heaven. You know that right?
SPIKE: Uh...yeah, we know...
FROG:...You do?
WOLFWOOD: Yeah, I mean, why else would we be taking these stairs?
FROG: You could be high off psychedelic mushrooms...
WOLFWOOD: Yeah right! What kind of an idiot eats psychedelic mushrooms and then goes walking up stairs? I mean, how dumb is that? Right Spike?
SPIKE: (nervously) Uh...riiight...
FROG: You look real familiar 'Spike'...
SPIKE: Never seen you before...Obnoxious little frog...
FINALLY, THE DOORWAY TO HEAVEN
SPIKE leans forward and gently knocks on the door.
SPIKE: Hey...you know what we're doing now?
WOLFWOOD: I'm sure you're going to tell me...
SPIKE: Damn right! We're knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's door!
WOLFWOOD: I hate you.
HEAVEN. On the set of the "Afterlife Coffee Break"...or...what's LEFT of it. It's pretty much a smoldering pile of ashes. WOLFWOOD walks up to where his seat used to be and sees a cracked mug that reads "Guess what I'm doing with YOUR arm?" He turns angrily towards SPIKE.
WOLFWOOD: What the hell...WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR SET?
SPIKE: Uh...I blew it up with a grenade.
WOLFWOOD: Oh.
They continue to inspect the damage when they hear a voice from behind them.
VOICE: Hello? Spike? Nick?
WOLFWOOD and SPIKE turn to face the new arrival. Their jaws drop.
REM SAVEREM: Hi! It's good that you're back. I'll be your new co-host, isn't that great...?
Somehow, we get the feeling that SPIKE and WOLFWOOD don't think so....
To be continued...