A WORD FROM THE PRODUCERS:
Every show or movie has material that just didn't make it into the final cut. Either it didn't work at the time, wasn't funny enough, was alcohol induced, or offended way too many people at once. Sometimes it's a combination of all these things. Either way, no one was ever meant to see these scenes. Congratulations, you're special.
WARNINGS:
This material was never meant to be seen therefore the language, violence and spelling are potentially worse than ever. Nod your heads if you understand. Good.
*****
This is never before seen footage from an early episode of "The Afterlife Smoke Break" which later became "The Afterlife Coffee Break" when smoking was banned in Heaven.
EPISODE ALPHA: Dragon Testicles
*****
HEAVEN, On the set of "The Afterlife Smoke Break." NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and his co-host sit with mugs of coffee before a film crew. WOLFWOOD'S mug reads "God likes me better," and his co-host's reads "Monkeys do it in the trees." The studio lights come on...
WOLFWOOD: (mumbling around the cigarette in his mouth) This is The Afterlife Smoke Break. Thanks for joining us. I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood and this is Goku, Saiyan, martial artist and family man.
GOKU: (waves excitedly and knocks his halo out of place a bit) Hiya!
WOLFWOOD: Today, we'll be talking about the same thing we talk about during every episode.
GOKU: (interrupts) Um...Nick, actually...
WOLFWOOD: (surprised by the break in routine) What?
GOKU: That's not going to work today. I feel really awful, but...
WOLFWOOD: (suspiciously) What...?
GOKU: Um...I'm gonna get wished back to life with the Dragon Balls soon so...
WOLFWOOD: Dragon...balls? (aghast) That's just vulgar!
GOKU: Not THOSE kind of balls! You see, there are seven of them and...
WOLFWOOD: SEVEN! Most life-forms only need two...
GOKU: Get your mind out of the gutter, already! They're magic balls...
WOLFWOOD: I just BET they are...
GOKU: (ignoring him) For granting wishes...
WOLFWOOD: Riiiight..."wishes"....
GOKU: (sighing) And well, I have to save the world (again) so I won't be hosting the show with you today...
WOLFWOOD: Are you saying...that you get to come back to life...because of dragon testicles?
GOKU: BALLS! Dragon BALLS!
WOLFWOOD: SAME DIFFERENCE! Well let me just tell you that this is a pretty sweet job and that you're lucky to have it considering all the dead heroes hanging around jobless in Heaven. If you're trying to weasel out of hosting with me, you'll have to come up with a better excuse than "saving the world" because I don't buy it....
WOLFWOOD keeps talking when, suddenly, GOKU starts to glow and then...vanishes from the set....
WOLFWOOD: And furthermore...(looks over to notice that GOKU is gone). I'll be a son of a bitch. The steroid-pusher wasn't lying.
WOLFWOOD sits for a minute and his expression goes from amazed to really, really angry in seconds.
WOLFWOOD: HOW COME THAT LITTLE BASTARD GETS TO LIVE AGAIN AND I DON'T?
DIRECTOR: Well, you're show didn't have dragon balls that grant wishes...
WOLFWOOD: And thank God! That's just disgusting!
DIRECTOR: You are a very confused man and you need help.
WOLFWOOD: Fuck you! And I suppose this means I'll be hosting the show on my own from now on....
DIRECTOR: Oh no...we've got a replacement host all picked out for you. Name's "Spike Spiegel." Ever heard of him?
WOLFWOOD: That's a really stupid name. (thinking) Wait a minute, isn't he that guy from "Cowboy Blowup" or something?
DIRECTOR: Bebop. Cowboy Bebop.
WOLFWOOD: Yeah, yeah, whatever. That guy's a walking disaster zone! He'll probably blow up the set. Can't you find somebody else?
DIRECTOR: Well, I'll see if there's anybody else who can take the job. But if we can't find somebody willing to tolerate your attitude problem, then Spike's in. Fair enough?
WOLFWOOD: Attitude problem? I'm practically a saint. You'll find somebody, no problem. Just you wait and see....
*****
DELETED SCENES from: EPISODE II: The Jackson Five! ARCHIVED AS: "Call me Queen"
HEAVEN, On the set of the "Afterlife Coffee Break." NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and LEGATO BLUESUMMERS are interviewing CHARLOTTE from "Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust." (For interested parties, CHARLOTTE'S mug reads "Suck it.")
WOLFWOOD: So Charlotte, tell me, how's the afterlife treating you?
CHARLOTTE: (lip quivering) Well...to be honest...it's MISERABLE!
WOLFWOOD: Miserable? What's wrong with Heaven?
LEGATO: If you've got a day or two I could read you my list...
WOLFWOOD ignores him.
CHARLOTTE: Without Meier around, death sucks!
WOLFWOOD: (trying to be helpful) Well, we all know you loved Meier Link, but...at least there are things in Heaven to distract you...
CHARLOTTE: (openly sobbing) NO, NO! There's nothing here that interests me! Nothing at ALL!
WOLFWOOD: Well, what did you do for fun in life?
CHARLOTTE: Well, on Mondays I thought about Meier and wondered what he was wearing and wrote his name with little hearts around it.
LEGATO: (matter-of-factly) You know, "Knives" actually looks really weird with little hearts drawn around it...
WOLFWOOD glares at him, but LEGATO doesn't notice.
CHARLOTTE: On Tuesdays I cried about not being with Meier and pouted a lot. Oh! And on Wednesdays, I made up cute little songs about Meier and sang them to my dolls.
WOLFWOOD: (sarcastically) Very productive...
CHARLOTTE: Sometimes on Thursdays, I drew pictures of him, but then I had to go to work. They had to fire me after awhile because I couldn't focus since I was thinking about Meier when I was supposed to be performing open heart surgery...
WOLFWOOD is gawking at her but no words come out. LEGATO seems to be regarding her with new respect.
CHARLOTTE: But on Friday there was nothing to keep me from pining over Meier and longing to be with him and crying some more and moping around...
WOLFWOOD: Hold it, hold it, hold it! Are you telling me...that you had NO interests other than loving that vampire?
LEGATO: No hobbies? No army of evil minions to command? No humans to torture?
WOLFWOOD: No children to protect? No shady past to disguise?
CHARLOTTE: (thinking really hard) Um...I knitted sometimes...
LEGATO: (disgusted) Knitted?
WOLFWOOD: That's it? You knitted?
CHARLOTTE: (oblivious) What do you think Meier's doing right now? Do you think he still loves me? What if he's found someone else? (she's obviously about to cry again)
LEGATO: (trying to be very, very gentle) Charlotte...I know I'm not exactly the right person to give this kind of advice, all things considered, but...you really, really have an unhealthy obsession with one man and you need to move on with your afterlife and try to forget him...
WOLFWOOD: Go shopping, buy a new dress...
CHARLOTTE: Oh, but I COULDN'T!
LEGATO: (nodding emphatically) Oh, but you HAVE TO! Because if you don't I might just have to grab you up by your little neck and...
WOLFWOOD: Ahem! Meier would want you to be happy, right? He'd want you to make the best of what life...er...death has thrown you!
CHARLOTTE: (biting her lip) Well, yes he would...
LEGATO: (slapping her on the back) Well it's settled then! You stop whining like a little bitch, go find yourself a personality and then we'll all be happier for it!
WOLFWOOD: That's one way of putting it...
CHARLOTTE: Maybe you're right! I'm an independent woman!
Somewhere on the set, Destiny's Child begins to play. We're not entirely sure why.
CHARLOTTE: I want to make my own decisions, think for myself! I don't need to sit around wasting my afterlife! Thank you both!
WOLFWOOD: (relieved) Well, now that that's settled, let's go to commercial...
CHARLOTTE: Did I give you permission to go to commercial? You'll wait until I say so, boy! And from now on, you will call me queen!
WOLFWOOD: Er...?
*****
DELETED SCENES from:
EPISODE VII: Something's Sticky
ARCHIVED AS: "Dead Side Story"
A PLAYGROUND IN PURGATORY (neutral territory!): VICIOUS, SEPHIROTH and LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS are leaning against a fence snapping their fingers in time to snazzy music. They're all wearing jeans and T-shirts with the sleeves rolled up and all of their hair has been greased back. A cigarette dangles precariously from the corner of VICIOUS' mouth and SEPHIROTH plays idly with a switchblade. Suddenly, LEGATO does a skillful, lively dance and bursts into song. (If you haven't seen "West Side Story" this could be very, very confusing. The Producers recommend downloading "Jets Song" and singing along. It's fun, dammit.)
LEGATO:
When you're in Hell You're in Hell all the way From your big bloody death To your first all-dead day!
When you're in Hell If the heat gets you sad, You got brewskies around, So it don't feel so bad!
Suddenly, SEPHIROTH and VICIOUS jump into the act, dancing in perfect synchronization with LEGATO. They do a couple graceful turns then VICIOUS starts to sing.
VICIOUS:
You cheated and killed, So Hell's the place for you now! The beers are all chilled! You're a sinner with know-how, So take a big bow!
SEPHIROTH:
Now you are damned, With a capital D, Though it's not what you planned It's just how it will be!
ALL THREE:
When you're in Hell, You stay in HELL!
The three of them stop singing briefly for an instrumental interlude...
SEPHIROTH: Being in hell sure is crunk!
VICIOUS: It's doper than a Mo-fo.
SEPHIROTH: Those played-out playas in Heaven don't know what they be missin'!
LEGATO: True dat, mac-daddies.
VICIOUS: Yikes! I think I've run out of hip and trendy slang terms.
SEPHIROTH: By Jove, I think you're right. Fancy that!
VICIOUS: What rotten luck, old chums. I say! God Save the Queen!
LEGATO: Chill on that tip, home-dawgs. Time to bust a rhyme. Word.
LEGATO executes a perfect pirouette before singing again.
LEGATO:
When you're in Hell, You're the meanest of mean! You're the bully with guns! You like ripping out spleens!
VICIOUS:
When you're in Hell, You're the punished for good! You burn for all time Just the way that you should!
ALL THREE (while dancing an elaborate, choreographed dance):
The evil stay here, Our reps are past redeemin'! The good guys stay clear, 'Cause ev'ry stinkin' hero's soul's a gleamin'!
Here come the damned Were the big pimps in Hell. Someone lookin' for sin, Just asks US where we've been!
Here come the damned: We've got souls black as night! Better watch out for us! If you see us take flight!
We died violent deaths, Still took a bunch out with us! With our last dyin' breaths, We cursed and made a big fuss, Then caught the Hell-bus!
Here come the damned, Yeah! And we're really fucked! Ev'ry one of us here Till out sentence is up! Till our whole! Giant! Sentence Is! Up! Yeah!
There's a big finish with lots of leaping about and jumping over fences and the like. The music fades out. LEGATO traipses off to go sing "Maria" to FAYE VALENTINE while VICIOUS and SEPHIROTH go to the dance at the gym to cause trouble. It's a turf-war and all that, fights at the gym happen, and stuff...yeah...
*****
A CLOSING NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS:
The Afterlife Coffee Break is continuing in a cleverly entitled sequel, "Return of the Afterlife Coffee Break." Why didn't we just post it all in one place? Because that makes too much sense and we thrive on chaos. You weren't expecting logic, were you?
Look for the second season...today!
Every show or movie has material that just didn't make it into the final cut. Either it didn't work at the time, wasn't funny enough, was alcohol induced, or offended way too many people at once. Sometimes it's a combination of all these things. Either way, no one was ever meant to see these scenes. Congratulations, you're special.
WARNINGS:
This material was never meant to be seen therefore the language, violence and spelling are potentially worse than ever. Nod your heads if you understand. Good.
*****
This is never before seen footage from an early episode of "The Afterlife Smoke Break" which later became "The Afterlife Coffee Break" when smoking was banned in Heaven.
EPISODE ALPHA: Dragon Testicles
*****
HEAVEN, On the set of "The Afterlife Smoke Break." NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and his co-host sit with mugs of coffee before a film crew. WOLFWOOD'S mug reads "God likes me better," and his co-host's reads "Monkeys do it in the trees." The studio lights come on...
WOLFWOOD: (mumbling around the cigarette in his mouth) This is The Afterlife Smoke Break. Thanks for joining us. I'm Nicholas D. Wolfwood and this is Goku, Saiyan, martial artist and family man.
GOKU: (waves excitedly and knocks his halo out of place a bit) Hiya!
WOLFWOOD: Today, we'll be talking about the same thing we talk about during every episode.
GOKU: (interrupts) Um...Nick, actually...
WOLFWOOD: (surprised by the break in routine) What?
GOKU: That's not going to work today. I feel really awful, but...
WOLFWOOD: (suspiciously) What...?
GOKU: Um...I'm gonna get wished back to life with the Dragon Balls soon so...
WOLFWOOD: Dragon...balls? (aghast) That's just vulgar!
GOKU: Not THOSE kind of balls! You see, there are seven of them and...
WOLFWOOD: SEVEN! Most life-forms only need two...
GOKU: Get your mind out of the gutter, already! They're magic balls...
WOLFWOOD: I just BET they are...
GOKU: (ignoring him) For granting wishes...
WOLFWOOD: Riiiight..."wishes"....
GOKU: (sighing) And well, I have to save the world (again) so I won't be hosting the show with you today...
WOLFWOOD: Are you saying...that you get to come back to life...because of dragon testicles?
GOKU: BALLS! Dragon BALLS!
WOLFWOOD: SAME DIFFERENCE! Well let me just tell you that this is a pretty sweet job and that you're lucky to have it considering all the dead heroes hanging around jobless in Heaven. If you're trying to weasel out of hosting with me, you'll have to come up with a better excuse than "saving the world" because I don't buy it....
WOLFWOOD keeps talking when, suddenly, GOKU starts to glow and then...vanishes from the set....
WOLFWOOD: And furthermore...(looks over to notice that GOKU is gone). I'll be a son of a bitch. The steroid-pusher wasn't lying.
WOLFWOOD sits for a minute and his expression goes from amazed to really, really angry in seconds.
WOLFWOOD: HOW COME THAT LITTLE BASTARD GETS TO LIVE AGAIN AND I DON'T?
DIRECTOR: Well, you're show didn't have dragon balls that grant wishes...
WOLFWOOD: And thank God! That's just disgusting!
DIRECTOR: You are a very confused man and you need help.
WOLFWOOD: Fuck you! And I suppose this means I'll be hosting the show on my own from now on....
DIRECTOR: Oh no...we've got a replacement host all picked out for you. Name's "Spike Spiegel." Ever heard of him?
WOLFWOOD: That's a really stupid name. (thinking) Wait a minute, isn't he that guy from "Cowboy Blowup" or something?
DIRECTOR: Bebop. Cowboy Bebop.
WOLFWOOD: Yeah, yeah, whatever. That guy's a walking disaster zone! He'll probably blow up the set. Can't you find somebody else?
DIRECTOR: Well, I'll see if there's anybody else who can take the job. But if we can't find somebody willing to tolerate your attitude problem, then Spike's in. Fair enough?
WOLFWOOD: Attitude problem? I'm practically a saint. You'll find somebody, no problem. Just you wait and see....
*****
DELETED SCENES from: EPISODE II: The Jackson Five! ARCHIVED AS: "Call me Queen"
HEAVEN, On the set of the "Afterlife Coffee Break." NICHOLAS D. WOLFWOOD and LEGATO BLUESUMMERS are interviewing CHARLOTTE from "Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust." (For interested parties, CHARLOTTE'S mug reads "Suck it.")
WOLFWOOD: So Charlotte, tell me, how's the afterlife treating you?
CHARLOTTE: (lip quivering) Well...to be honest...it's MISERABLE!
WOLFWOOD: Miserable? What's wrong with Heaven?
LEGATO: If you've got a day or two I could read you my list...
WOLFWOOD ignores him.
CHARLOTTE: Without Meier around, death sucks!
WOLFWOOD: (trying to be helpful) Well, we all know you loved Meier Link, but...at least there are things in Heaven to distract you...
CHARLOTTE: (openly sobbing) NO, NO! There's nothing here that interests me! Nothing at ALL!
WOLFWOOD: Well, what did you do for fun in life?
CHARLOTTE: Well, on Mondays I thought about Meier and wondered what he was wearing and wrote his name with little hearts around it.
LEGATO: (matter-of-factly) You know, "Knives" actually looks really weird with little hearts drawn around it...
WOLFWOOD glares at him, but LEGATO doesn't notice.
CHARLOTTE: On Tuesdays I cried about not being with Meier and pouted a lot. Oh! And on Wednesdays, I made up cute little songs about Meier and sang them to my dolls.
WOLFWOOD: (sarcastically) Very productive...
CHARLOTTE: Sometimes on Thursdays, I drew pictures of him, but then I had to go to work. They had to fire me after awhile because I couldn't focus since I was thinking about Meier when I was supposed to be performing open heart surgery...
WOLFWOOD is gawking at her but no words come out. LEGATO seems to be regarding her with new respect.
CHARLOTTE: But on Friday there was nothing to keep me from pining over Meier and longing to be with him and crying some more and moping around...
WOLFWOOD: Hold it, hold it, hold it! Are you telling me...that you had NO interests other than loving that vampire?
LEGATO: No hobbies? No army of evil minions to command? No humans to torture?
WOLFWOOD: No children to protect? No shady past to disguise?
CHARLOTTE: (thinking really hard) Um...I knitted sometimes...
LEGATO: (disgusted) Knitted?
WOLFWOOD: That's it? You knitted?
CHARLOTTE: (oblivious) What do you think Meier's doing right now? Do you think he still loves me? What if he's found someone else? (she's obviously about to cry again)
LEGATO: (trying to be very, very gentle) Charlotte...I know I'm not exactly the right person to give this kind of advice, all things considered, but...you really, really have an unhealthy obsession with one man and you need to move on with your afterlife and try to forget him...
WOLFWOOD: Go shopping, buy a new dress...
CHARLOTTE: Oh, but I COULDN'T!
LEGATO: (nodding emphatically) Oh, but you HAVE TO! Because if you don't I might just have to grab you up by your little neck and...
WOLFWOOD: Ahem! Meier would want you to be happy, right? He'd want you to make the best of what life...er...death has thrown you!
CHARLOTTE: (biting her lip) Well, yes he would...
LEGATO: (slapping her on the back) Well it's settled then! You stop whining like a little bitch, go find yourself a personality and then we'll all be happier for it!
WOLFWOOD: That's one way of putting it...
CHARLOTTE: Maybe you're right! I'm an independent woman!
Somewhere on the set, Destiny's Child begins to play. We're not entirely sure why.
CHARLOTTE: I want to make my own decisions, think for myself! I don't need to sit around wasting my afterlife! Thank you both!
WOLFWOOD: (relieved) Well, now that that's settled, let's go to commercial...
CHARLOTTE: Did I give you permission to go to commercial? You'll wait until I say so, boy! And from now on, you will call me queen!
WOLFWOOD: Er...?
*****
DELETED SCENES from:
EPISODE VII: Something's Sticky
ARCHIVED AS: "Dead Side Story"
A PLAYGROUND IN PURGATORY (neutral territory!): VICIOUS, SEPHIROTH and LEGATO W. BLUESUMMERS are leaning against a fence snapping their fingers in time to snazzy music. They're all wearing jeans and T-shirts with the sleeves rolled up and all of their hair has been greased back. A cigarette dangles precariously from the corner of VICIOUS' mouth and SEPHIROTH plays idly with a switchblade. Suddenly, LEGATO does a skillful, lively dance and bursts into song. (If you haven't seen "West Side Story" this could be very, very confusing. The Producers recommend downloading "Jets Song" and singing along. It's fun, dammit.)
LEGATO:
When you're in Hell You're in Hell all the way From your big bloody death To your first all-dead day!
When you're in Hell If the heat gets you sad, You got brewskies around, So it don't feel so bad!
Suddenly, SEPHIROTH and VICIOUS jump into the act, dancing in perfect synchronization with LEGATO. They do a couple graceful turns then VICIOUS starts to sing.
VICIOUS:
You cheated and killed, So Hell's the place for you now! The beers are all chilled! You're a sinner with know-how, So take a big bow!
SEPHIROTH:
Now you are damned, With a capital D, Though it's not what you planned It's just how it will be!
ALL THREE:
When you're in Hell, You stay in HELL!
The three of them stop singing briefly for an instrumental interlude...
SEPHIROTH: Being in hell sure is crunk!
VICIOUS: It's doper than a Mo-fo.
SEPHIROTH: Those played-out playas in Heaven don't know what they be missin'!
LEGATO: True dat, mac-daddies.
VICIOUS: Yikes! I think I've run out of hip and trendy slang terms.
SEPHIROTH: By Jove, I think you're right. Fancy that!
VICIOUS: What rotten luck, old chums. I say! God Save the Queen!
LEGATO: Chill on that tip, home-dawgs. Time to bust a rhyme. Word.
LEGATO executes a perfect pirouette before singing again.
LEGATO:
When you're in Hell, You're the meanest of mean! You're the bully with guns! You like ripping out spleens!
VICIOUS:
When you're in Hell, You're the punished for good! You burn for all time Just the way that you should!
ALL THREE (while dancing an elaborate, choreographed dance):
The evil stay here, Our reps are past redeemin'! The good guys stay clear, 'Cause ev'ry stinkin' hero's soul's a gleamin'!
Here come the damned Were the big pimps in Hell. Someone lookin' for sin, Just asks US where we've been!
Here come the damned: We've got souls black as night! Better watch out for us! If you see us take flight!
We died violent deaths, Still took a bunch out with us! With our last dyin' breaths, We cursed and made a big fuss, Then caught the Hell-bus!
Here come the damned, Yeah! And we're really fucked! Ev'ry one of us here Till out sentence is up! Till our whole! Giant! Sentence Is! Up! Yeah!
There's a big finish with lots of leaping about and jumping over fences and the like. The music fades out. LEGATO traipses off to go sing "Maria" to FAYE VALENTINE while VICIOUS and SEPHIROTH go to the dance at the gym to cause trouble. It's a turf-war and all that, fights at the gym happen, and stuff...yeah...
*****
A CLOSING NOTE FROM THE PRODUCERS:
The Afterlife Coffee Break is continuing in a cleverly entitled sequel, "Return of the Afterlife Coffee Break." Why didn't we just post it all in one place? Because that makes too much sense and we thrive on chaos. You weren't expecting logic, were you?
Look for the second season...today!