Chapter Ten

Buffy turned up Crawford Street just after sunset. Her mother had been upset that she was going patrolling. She just didn't understand Buffy's life style. She didn't want to be the one who had to save the world, it was her destiny, not her choice.

Before she knew it, she stood in front of the old mansion. She just stared at it for a minute. She knew that she and Angel would be having an extremely hard conversation about the past few months. She was prepared. Buffy thought since the past few days included killing the love of her life, sending him to hell and then seeing him return as well as seeing her friends hurt in the hospital, she believed that the talk should be the easiest thing of all.

She walked up the front yard and walked towards the side of the building. Angel was ready to go. He had his long black duster on with a pair of jeans and a gray button shirt. He was dressed nicely, as always.

"Good evening," Buffy said with a smile.

"Buffy, hi. Are you ready to go?"

"Yea. It's another exciting night here in Sunnydale. Want to check the cemeteries first?" Buffy asked.

"Okay. Let's go."

The two walked over to the first of many cemeteries that occupied Sunnydale. Total silence filled the air between them. There were no signs of any vamps anywhere.

"Boring night." Angel said.

"Yea. It's been quiet lately besides, well, other things that were happening for a few months." Buffy tried to explain. She didn't want to be so obvious to tell Angel that nothing else really happened while he was Angelous and Spike and Dru were in town. She did however want to talk to Angel about the past few months. When Angel first suggested it, she didn't want any part of it. She just wanted Angelous to be in the past and have Angel concentrate on his future. Unfortunately she had been thinking about her night patrolling with Angel all day and had worked one a few things she wanted to talk to him about.

"I'm sorry, what?" Angel asked dumbfounded. He wanted to ask Buffy about all of the bad things that had happened the past few months. What did Angelous do to people? What happened to innocent people and was he responsible for it? He didn't have any recollection of the months gone by, but he could feel pain. He knew Angelous had to have done something to feel this way. He felt remorse and sorrow and pain. He felt these things over events that happened in which he had no control over. Angel had felt like he was in a coma for the past few months. He wanted to understand what happened, especially if Angelous was responsible for it.

"Not a lot has happened since Spike and Dru left town." There, I hinted towards the subject now you need to talk about it, Buffy thought.

"Oh" Angel said knowing what Buffy was talking about. "What kept you busy the past few months? What happened?" Angel asked knowing that he would get the abridged version. Buffy was sure to make him feel as if nothing that happened was his fault. She was going to blame Angelous for everything.

"Well, there were a few murders."

"Anything solved?"

"Yea, pretty much all of them were." Buffy vaguely explained as she sat on a tombstone.

"Who were they?" Angel asked as he stood behind her, not wanting to look at her as she reveled what had been happening the past few months.

"Mostly people I didn't know, random people. Besides Jenny, there was another girl in my class. Other than them, I didn't know anyone."

"Where there a lot?"

Buffy stared at the ground. "There were enough." The awkward silence filled the air once again. She quickly tried to take the focus away from what Angelous had done. "But there were other monsters."

"Really?" Angel asked really not caring. He was too concerned with the pain he had caused to other.

"Oh yea, lots. Our swim team turned into sea creature thingies and I killed an invisible demon while I was in the hospital-"

"You were in the hospital?' Angel asked concerned. He wondered if Angelous had anything to do with it.

"Yea, it was only a few days. I had a bad case of the flu. Oh and then there was you and I, we almost killed each other when we took on the persona of the dead teacher and student."

By this point Angel was really confused. "What?"

"It was interesting, it was weird, very odd. And Oz is a werewolf."

"Oz is a werewolf?" Angel asked completely boggled.

Buffy nodded.

"Sounds like things were-"

"Uneventful?" Buffy interrupted.

"Yea it does." That awkward silence filled the former lovers again. Angel knelt down in front of Buffy and had to know. "Did I ever hurt you?'

Buffy stared at him. She thought about the hurtful things Angelous said to her after the night they had made love. Then there was all of the battles they had. Angelous could have killed her so many times. "No, Angelous never hurt me."

Angel nodded. He didn't really know what to say. "Buffy, I am so sorry that I caused so much."

"Angel, it wasn't-"

"Buffy, it may have been Angelous who did those things but I am the one who feels it. I am the one who is suffering and feeling the guilt and the pain for those deaths or injuries. I am the one who feels it and it hurts and it is painful."

"Angel, you feel those things because your you. And you a thoughtful and-"

Angel shook his head as he interrupted Buffy. "Buff, it's the curse. It has nothing to do with me being a good person." He held back tears. Angel wanted nothing more to do than to cry. He wanted to let his emotions explode. "The pain hurts more than you will ever know. There have been times when I wish I didn't have the curse and I didn't care what happened around me. I wish that I was dead." Buffy just looked at him. "You know what I mean. I'm glad that I can do some good now but the pain is way too much. And-" Angel stopped and he began to cry.

Buffy turned around and looked at him. She wanted to hold him and tell him everything was going to be all right. Before she had the chance, he continued.

"And it is so painful to know that I have killed people for no reason. I have destroyed the lives of not only the people I have killed but also their families. There are some parents who don't have children and children who don't have parents and it's my fault. That hurts but what kills me is that-"Angel stopped for a moment. He knew what he wanted to say and it hurt him to say it more than anything he had ever felt.

"It kills me to know that I could have killed you or hurt you or done something to hurt you or your family or your friends. Hell, I did hurt your friends. How many people landed in the hospital because of me? Buffy, they could have died and I would have been responsible. I don't think I could have lived with that. I hurt you once and I never want to hurt you again."

Buffy though for a moment. Tears ran from her eyes and down her checks before hitting the top of the tombstone. She knew there was nothing she could say that would make Angel feel better but she had to say what was on her mind and in her heart.

"So Angelous hurt some people, even killed some. Angel, you were not responsible for that. I am sorry you have to go through the pain and the suffering but it isn't your fault. You had no control over what happened. There was not one ounce of you in Angelous. You are two different people.

"So it sucks that Angelous did all of those things but Angel, you are not him. You are caring. So you were afraid of hurting me, don't. We know what brings Angelous out and well; we have to avoid that from now on. Angel, you are great person to be fighting side by side with and I wouldn't change that for anything in the world. So we won't have the perfect relationship but I love you. I care about you and I don't care about what Angelous did because that wasn't you. Angelous is gone and he will never come back."

"You can't be sure of that."

"No, I can't but we know we have to take precautions."

"And do you think that Xander and Giles will love having me back? I don't think it will be that easy with them."

"I never said it was going to be easy. Giles is stubborn but he will overcome this. Let's be honest Angel, you and Xander have never liked each other and have never gotten along so nothing will probably change there, except more of Xander's 'I told you sos' and more Xander jokes but that's it. Willow is over the whole thing. She understands that you weren't responsible for what happened to her."

Buffy stood up and walked towards Angel. He just backed up. He looked down to the ground. He couldn't look Buffy in the eyes. "I think maybe we should keep our distance for now."

"Distance? Angel you haven't been around for months. Isn't that distance enough?"

He shook his head. "No. Please, give me a few days." HE began to back away and stopped. With his back towards Buffy he began to ask her something.

"Giles is getting out of the hospital tomorrow, right?"

"Yes."

"Does he know about me?"

"No."

"Will you tell him?"

"Yes, as soon as he is ready. Why?"

"I was just wondering." Angel stated as he walked into the darkness and left Buffy alone.

Buffy went on a quick sweep of other areas of town. Sunnydale remained quiet for another night. She was thankful for that. She couldn't wait to get home and crawl into her bed. She wanted to sleep for days but knew she had to get up early because she was meeting Willow, Oz, Cordy and Xander at Giles' house for lunch. It was a surprise for Giles. He had been though so much and they wanted to show him that he was appreciated.

Buffy stood in front of her home and just stared at it. The living room light and the porch light were the only lights on in the house. She walked up to the porch and sat on the steps. She was so tired and her heart ached. She wanted Angel to feel better but that wouldn't happen. He was carrying around over two hundred years of guilt and anguish.

After a few moments Buffy stood up and walked into her home. She closed the door behind her and hung up her coat. She walked over to the lamp in the living room to shut it off when she saw a note from her mother.

Buffy,

Hope your night was good. Willow called and said it was extremely important. Call her any time you get in honey. I'll see you in the morning.

Love Mom