Crawling
Glorified and
Terrified and dead
The never sound
Of common ground
Went to their new clear heads
Always mourning
Always loved
Territory reasonable to fight
What came around
Went back around
And those who left were right
Always bleeding
Come deceiving
You don't know what to know
Come deceiving
You don't know what to show
Naked, overdressed and fake
Rob the very hand you shake
Always bleeding
Always letting go
- Come Deceiving (Rubberman)
I'm driving away into the darkness, and no, just in case your wondering, I'm not coming back. Ever.
There's just something about people; it makes them expect me to play the hero, to be the one who knows what to do. Hah. You'd think that after having known me for more than a week, they would have figured it out. Since when am I hero material? It's certainly news to me. Hell, I only got to be leader by default because I've been around the longest. Or maybe it's cause everyone else is even more fucked up, or a damn rookie... Oh, do I sound angry? I wonder why that could be. Oh right, right, maybe it's because suddenly everyone's saying 'Reno, help us,' or, 'Reno, take responsibility'. Fuck, people, I've spent my whole life avoiding responsibility. You expect me to change now?
This road leads away from Costa del Sol, away, but I really don't care where too. The night is calling me, and let me tell you, that's a much more appealing sound then Elena's whiny voice. Things must be getting bad when she figures she can follow me to even this city. This is MY city. Since my first visit here as a Turk, it's been my place to escape the world, the job and all the pressure. This is where the whores, the alcohol, the drugs and the beaches are. Can you think of a better place to be? I sure can't. It's been an unspoken rule between me an' Rude for as long as we've been buddies; when I'm in Costa del Sol no one knows me. He has the same thing in a way; he just prefers Junon. I don't pick up his hookers, and he lets me party until I can't stand up any more. I think that's why he and I got along so well. We respected each other. Fucking Elena...
She shows up in the middle of the afternoon like she's got a right to be there and starts acting all righteously indignant. She's even got the nerve to act surprised when I'm not exactly happy to see her. Don't get me wrong; I like Elena. I just think I'd like her a whole lot better if she wore red and stiletto heels.
She says I'm afraid. I say I'm not. Well, out loud at least. You wanna know the truth? You can't handle the truth. Hehe. Seriously though. No, I really am afraid, and I really am running. I'd lie if I thought it'd help, but I've known me for quite a while. See, this is the part where someone steps in and says 'don't be so weak' and then we all laugh at the irony. Well, ha ha. It stopped being funny a long time ago, possibly several hours after I was born. People think 'Hey, you were a Turk, you're not scared of anything.' Well, I'm not scared of pain or failure, and I'm not scared of dying. I am scared of trying, however.
I don't think that can make sense to anyone except maybe Rude or Tseng. And seeing as how Tseng's dead and Rude's probably off having a good ol' time in Junon, I guess I'm on my own. Let me try to explain it a little.
The thing is, I haven't had a very happy life up til now. For me, Costa del Sol = fun, rest of life = crap. Simple equation, right? Tell that to Elena. Anyway, she wants me to give up living a life where I can do whatever the hell I want to whoever the hell I want so I can go and become part of the 'real world'. Umm, can we say delusional? Shit hurts. I know that better than anyone else. This nice little world I'm living in won't last forever and it will probably kill me, I know that. But the other world never ends and if it doesn't kill me then I will. The new powers that be will start cleaning up the prostitution rings, and the black market will begin to dry up, but by then I'll probably be dead after OD'ing on some overpriced crap or other. Sounds bitter, doesn't it? It's hard to understand, I know, but I'd rather die inebriated and happy in an alley then live closeted in fear with some dead end job and a wife that'll probably divorce my ass before our first anniversary. You could say I'm claustrophobic and you wouldn't be far wrong.
I've been hurt a lot in my life, and I've made a lot of bad decisions but at least I can say that I tried. I don't blame anybody for the way things turned out, except maybe fate. I don't blame AVALANCHE, I don't blame Shinra, hell I don't even blame me and I'm the one who did the stuff I did. Sometimes I think I should, but that would probably require a conscience. That doesn't mean I have no regrets; I just don't have any particular regrets. The people I hurt and the people I killed, even though if I could do it all over again I'd do it exactly the same, they haunt me. At least when I'm partying like I don't give a damn I can actually believe it for a while. Maybe that's why I live this way. I act, live like I don't care about any of it because there's a kind of strength or nonchalance there. Or maybe not. More likely I'm just an ass hole who just thinks its common sense to put myself first.
My foot's on the pedal and I'm speeding even more than usual tonight. It's not like anyone's going to stop me though; no one's around except me. Not that they'd stop me anyway. The worst I get these days are glares and a few hand gestures, and even those are limited. I guess word is finally getting around just how much of a Mr. Personality I am. Oh yes, definitely Prince Charming. I guess the last bloody guy they pulled out of the dumpster tipped them off.
Elena wanted me to go back to Midgar with her, to go back and play leader again. I've been there, done that. It only worked that time because Rude thought it was too much effort to do something about it. And besides, it was kinda fun bossing the rookie around. Besides that, though, being in charge is overrated. Taking orders is one thing, but giving them is another matter completely. I've never been in charge of anyone other than me, and look at how good of a job I did with that one. I'm just glad Shinra fell apart when they did, because if I'd actually had to take the top job seriously for long it might just have pushed me over the edge. Anyway, I'm getting distracted. Just wanted you to understand what she expected me to go back to. Hah. I always knew she was lacking in the brain department, but still...
She wants me to go and become a role model now, to show people that I'm sorry and that I can be a contributing member of the community. Elena's naivety is laughable, really. The people there know me, and they'd swallow that about as well as I would. Even if they'd let me back without giving me a bullet for my trouble, the best I could hope for is a grimy little apartment, and dull, gray deadness. I'm sorry, but I've always lived for the blood, be it mine or someone else's, and for that peculiar high. Knowing that you're walking the high wire without a safety net, it gives you a rush like nothing else can. That's me, baby.
Everything about me screams expensive, but you're just looking at the surface. I own a big place down by the waterfront, but I spend way more of my time asleep in the gutter. I have nice clothes, but they all look like this one to a greater or lesser degree, and I usually end up wearing the blue suit by the time I leave anyway. My black sports car is my personal favorite. Sweet ride, fast and dangerous. Kinda like me, actually. I think one of these days I'll drive it off a cliff just for the hell of it.
What no one knows is that I'm not rich at all. Sure Shinra paid me a huge salary, but I probably had just about enough to last me, if I lived small and saved every spare penny. The thing is, though, I really don't plan on being around long enough for that to be a concern. So I might as well live it up while I can and throw it around like there's no tomorrow because, well, there isn't. Sorry if I'm laughing, I seem to be the only one who thinks it's funny.
The road winds along the shore, and I have no clue where I'll end up. It doesn't matter to me as long as I never see Elena's face again. If I do I might have to beat it in with the nearest lead pipe, and then I'll feel a little guilty afterwards. I mean, we were practically family for a while. Did I mention that I shot both my parents when I was twelve years old? Not that it particularly matters; I just have to run now because I can't be caged in. Every time I think about it I get edgy and then I drive just a little bit faster. No, I've got no plans or reserves for the future, and there's no other way for me to be. Elena will just have to go be little miss sincerity for the saviors of the Planet on her own.
When she turned up, my immediate reaction was only to be expected. I think 'Hell no' just about covered it, but it takes a while to get a point across to Elena. After she followed me around for three days, ruining much of my fun, I might add, I told her I'd think about it just to get her off my back. Idiot that she is, she actually took me seriously, and that got me thinking. Now that she knew where I was and didn't seem to have any problems with invading my territory I'd have to go somewhere else. That hurt a little, but not as much as you might expect. Don't get me wrong; I don't get attached to anyone or any place. Costa del Sol just suits me best. Anyway, there's always other cities to fuck with; I won't look back. I just figured that if I simply slipped out Elena might come after me. I needed a way to make sure she understood exactly what I thought of her and her little plans for our future.
And now she's sleeping in my bed, probably dreaming about the life we'll have together now that I've seen the light. She wasn't exactly hard to tumble; did anyone else not know that Elena had a thing for me? Or was I the only one? Well, either way I figure that this will make an indelible impression on everyone's favorite blonde bimbo. All I can say is that come morning, my place is going to be quite a bit untidier than when I left it. It's okay though, she can have it.
I don't intend to ever be found again. Now that I know she's looking for me I'll be much more careful. I'm pretty sure that she'll get the picture after this, but just in case I'll be disappearing permanently. I feel a little bad for leaving Rude to deal with her, but I don't see that I had much of an alternative. I just wish him luck.
Now they will never know if I was sorry, if I cared, if I kept going. No one will ever see me again, but they'll all know I'm out there. The way I figure it, they'll all assume that I kept up with the Turk thing. It's very amusing to know that they'll all be sitting there wondering, that children will hide in their beds from the Turk who would never give up. I'll go down in history as the bastard that never gave in; the last Turk. Yeah, well, tell that to my corpse.
Flooring it, I add an extra few kilometers between me and Elena. I'm grinning now, oddly happy I know. I slip on my sunglasses, one hand on the wheel the other out the side. Flipping on the radio to some random metal song, I head bang along with it. There's nothing here but the road and me, and someday soon it will be only the road.
~A/N: Well, this was certainly... different. When I wrote this, I had totally intended it to be a happy, cute little Reno driving thing. Instead, well, it didn't really go where I had expected it too. It scares me too. I didn't know if I should post it or not, but I figured I'd better post SOMETHING just to show you I'm not dead yet. ;)
Glorified and
Terrified and dead
The never sound
Of common ground
Went to their new clear heads
Always mourning
Always loved
Territory reasonable to fight
What came around
Went back around
And those who left were right
Always bleeding
Come deceiving
You don't know what to know
Come deceiving
You don't know what to show
Naked, overdressed and fake
Rob the very hand you shake
Always bleeding
Always letting go
- Come Deceiving (Rubberman)
I'm driving away into the darkness, and no, just in case your wondering, I'm not coming back. Ever.
There's just something about people; it makes them expect me to play the hero, to be the one who knows what to do. Hah. You'd think that after having known me for more than a week, they would have figured it out. Since when am I hero material? It's certainly news to me. Hell, I only got to be leader by default because I've been around the longest. Or maybe it's cause everyone else is even more fucked up, or a damn rookie... Oh, do I sound angry? I wonder why that could be. Oh right, right, maybe it's because suddenly everyone's saying 'Reno, help us,' or, 'Reno, take responsibility'. Fuck, people, I've spent my whole life avoiding responsibility. You expect me to change now?
This road leads away from Costa del Sol, away, but I really don't care where too. The night is calling me, and let me tell you, that's a much more appealing sound then Elena's whiny voice. Things must be getting bad when she figures she can follow me to even this city. This is MY city. Since my first visit here as a Turk, it's been my place to escape the world, the job and all the pressure. This is where the whores, the alcohol, the drugs and the beaches are. Can you think of a better place to be? I sure can't. It's been an unspoken rule between me an' Rude for as long as we've been buddies; when I'm in Costa del Sol no one knows me. He has the same thing in a way; he just prefers Junon. I don't pick up his hookers, and he lets me party until I can't stand up any more. I think that's why he and I got along so well. We respected each other. Fucking Elena...
She shows up in the middle of the afternoon like she's got a right to be there and starts acting all righteously indignant. She's even got the nerve to act surprised when I'm not exactly happy to see her. Don't get me wrong; I like Elena. I just think I'd like her a whole lot better if she wore red and stiletto heels.
She says I'm afraid. I say I'm not. Well, out loud at least. You wanna know the truth? You can't handle the truth. Hehe. Seriously though. No, I really am afraid, and I really am running. I'd lie if I thought it'd help, but I've known me for quite a while. See, this is the part where someone steps in and says 'don't be so weak' and then we all laugh at the irony. Well, ha ha. It stopped being funny a long time ago, possibly several hours after I was born. People think 'Hey, you were a Turk, you're not scared of anything.' Well, I'm not scared of pain or failure, and I'm not scared of dying. I am scared of trying, however.
I don't think that can make sense to anyone except maybe Rude or Tseng. And seeing as how Tseng's dead and Rude's probably off having a good ol' time in Junon, I guess I'm on my own. Let me try to explain it a little.
The thing is, I haven't had a very happy life up til now. For me, Costa del Sol = fun, rest of life = crap. Simple equation, right? Tell that to Elena. Anyway, she wants me to give up living a life where I can do whatever the hell I want to whoever the hell I want so I can go and become part of the 'real world'. Umm, can we say delusional? Shit hurts. I know that better than anyone else. This nice little world I'm living in won't last forever and it will probably kill me, I know that. But the other world never ends and if it doesn't kill me then I will. The new powers that be will start cleaning up the prostitution rings, and the black market will begin to dry up, but by then I'll probably be dead after OD'ing on some overpriced crap or other. Sounds bitter, doesn't it? It's hard to understand, I know, but I'd rather die inebriated and happy in an alley then live closeted in fear with some dead end job and a wife that'll probably divorce my ass before our first anniversary. You could say I'm claustrophobic and you wouldn't be far wrong.
I've been hurt a lot in my life, and I've made a lot of bad decisions but at least I can say that I tried. I don't blame anybody for the way things turned out, except maybe fate. I don't blame AVALANCHE, I don't blame Shinra, hell I don't even blame me and I'm the one who did the stuff I did. Sometimes I think I should, but that would probably require a conscience. That doesn't mean I have no regrets; I just don't have any particular regrets. The people I hurt and the people I killed, even though if I could do it all over again I'd do it exactly the same, they haunt me. At least when I'm partying like I don't give a damn I can actually believe it for a while. Maybe that's why I live this way. I act, live like I don't care about any of it because there's a kind of strength or nonchalance there. Or maybe not. More likely I'm just an ass hole who just thinks its common sense to put myself first.
My foot's on the pedal and I'm speeding even more than usual tonight. It's not like anyone's going to stop me though; no one's around except me. Not that they'd stop me anyway. The worst I get these days are glares and a few hand gestures, and even those are limited. I guess word is finally getting around just how much of a Mr. Personality I am. Oh yes, definitely Prince Charming. I guess the last bloody guy they pulled out of the dumpster tipped them off.
Elena wanted me to go back to Midgar with her, to go back and play leader again. I've been there, done that. It only worked that time because Rude thought it was too much effort to do something about it. And besides, it was kinda fun bossing the rookie around. Besides that, though, being in charge is overrated. Taking orders is one thing, but giving them is another matter completely. I've never been in charge of anyone other than me, and look at how good of a job I did with that one. I'm just glad Shinra fell apart when they did, because if I'd actually had to take the top job seriously for long it might just have pushed me over the edge. Anyway, I'm getting distracted. Just wanted you to understand what she expected me to go back to. Hah. I always knew she was lacking in the brain department, but still...
She wants me to go and become a role model now, to show people that I'm sorry and that I can be a contributing member of the community. Elena's naivety is laughable, really. The people there know me, and they'd swallow that about as well as I would. Even if they'd let me back without giving me a bullet for my trouble, the best I could hope for is a grimy little apartment, and dull, gray deadness. I'm sorry, but I've always lived for the blood, be it mine or someone else's, and for that peculiar high. Knowing that you're walking the high wire without a safety net, it gives you a rush like nothing else can. That's me, baby.
Everything about me screams expensive, but you're just looking at the surface. I own a big place down by the waterfront, but I spend way more of my time asleep in the gutter. I have nice clothes, but they all look like this one to a greater or lesser degree, and I usually end up wearing the blue suit by the time I leave anyway. My black sports car is my personal favorite. Sweet ride, fast and dangerous. Kinda like me, actually. I think one of these days I'll drive it off a cliff just for the hell of it.
What no one knows is that I'm not rich at all. Sure Shinra paid me a huge salary, but I probably had just about enough to last me, if I lived small and saved every spare penny. The thing is, though, I really don't plan on being around long enough for that to be a concern. So I might as well live it up while I can and throw it around like there's no tomorrow because, well, there isn't. Sorry if I'm laughing, I seem to be the only one who thinks it's funny.
The road winds along the shore, and I have no clue where I'll end up. It doesn't matter to me as long as I never see Elena's face again. If I do I might have to beat it in with the nearest lead pipe, and then I'll feel a little guilty afterwards. I mean, we were practically family for a while. Did I mention that I shot both my parents when I was twelve years old? Not that it particularly matters; I just have to run now because I can't be caged in. Every time I think about it I get edgy and then I drive just a little bit faster. No, I've got no plans or reserves for the future, and there's no other way for me to be. Elena will just have to go be little miss sincerity for the saviors of the Planet on her own.
When she turned up, my immediate reaction was only to be expected. I think 'Hell no' just about covered it, but it takes a while to get a point across to Elena. After she followed me around for three days, ruining much of my fun, I might add, I told her I'd think about it just to get her off my back. Idiot that she is, she actually took me seriously, and that got me thinking. Now that she knew where I was and didn't seem to have any problems with invading my territory I'd have to go somewhere else. That hurt a little, but not as much as you might expect. Don't get me wrong; I don't get attached to anyone or any place. Costa del Sol just suits me best. Anyway, there's always other cities to fuck with; I won't look back. I just figured that if I simply slipped out Elena might come after me. I needed a way to make sure she understood exactly what I thought of her and her little plans for our future.
And now she's sleeping in my bed, probably dreaming about the life we'll have together now that I've seen the light. She wasn't exactly hard to tumble; did anyone else not know that Elena had a thing for me? Or was I the only one? Well, either way I figure that this will make an indelible impression on everyone's favorite blonde bimbo. All I can say is that come morning, my place is going to be quite a bit untidier than when I left it. It's okay though, she can have it.
I don't intend to ever be found again. Now that I know she's looking for me I'll be much more careful. I'm pretty sure that she'll get the picture after this, but just in case I'll be disappearing permanently. I feel a little bad for leaving Rude to deal with her, but I don't see that I had much of an alternative. I just wish him luck.
Now they will never know if I was sorry, if I cared, if I kept going. No one will ever see me again, but they'll all know I'm out there. The way I figure it, they'll all assume that I kept up with the Turk thing. It's very amusing to know that they'll all be sitting there wondering, that children will hide in their beds from the Turk who would never give up. I'll go down in history as the bastard that never gave in; the last Turk. Yeah, well, tell that to my corpse.
Flooring it, I add an extra few kilometers between me and Elena. I'm grinning now, oddly happy I know. I slip on my sunglasses, one hand on the wheel the other out the side. Flipping on the radio to some random metal song, I head bang along with it. There's nothing here but the road and me, and someday soon it will be only the road.
~A/N: Well, this was certainly... different. When I wrote this, I had totally intended it to be a happy, cute little Reno driving thing. Instead, well, it didn't really go where I had expected it too. It scares me too. I didn't know if I should post it or not, but I figured I'd better post SOMETHING just to show you I'm not dead yet. ;)