A/N: Sorry about the long wait but anyways – a site is hosting this fic. I am so happy. I never really expected this to happen!! I feel all happy inside. Anyways, here is the next chapter, and well I don't know how long it will be between updates anymore because well Econ and Pre-Cal are both a pain in the ass. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this chapter of The Love and Death of the Past.
Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun.
There is a section in italics that represents a dream.
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~The Love and Death Of the Past~
~Chapter 6 – Lost ~
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September 2003His fingers curled around her arm, holding tightly – almost desperately as if he did not wish for her to go. He knew that this single moment would not be able to last forever – but oh how he wanted it to. She looked up at him, her gray eyes shining questioningly as if trying to get him to answer an unasked question.
He didn't know what caused him to want to hold her, to kiss her, to love her, but there was something burning within the very pit of his being, urging him to want her, to take her – and he knew that there would be no escaping it.
His fingers tightened as he leaned forward, his lips hovering dangerously over hers as she allowed herself to be pulled against him. Her body warm and comforting as she melded against him, her tiny frame allowing his arms to wrap completely around her.
He felt so completely whole as he gazed longingly into her eyes, searching for an answer that he wanted only too much. It had been eating him up inside ever since he could remember, and no matter how long he tried to suppress the feeling within him – it would always make itself known, fluttering inside of him whenever she was around.
Whenever he looked into those beautiful gray eyes he knew just how much he wanted her, just how much he needed her – and he would be damned if he were to let her go. He was vaguely aware of the fact that she was clutching so desperately to him as well – her breath coming out in hot little puffs as she waited for him to make the first move.
It was then that he realized that his lips were still so close to her. And as much as he would love for his lips to be lain against hers- to be able to experience that wonderful feeling that had been stirring within his body – he knew that he just couldn't.
He didn't know how she would react to it. And even though her heart was beating wildly within her chest, just as his was, he still did not know her answer. He did not know whether or not she felt the same way or not.
Sure there had been the tiny occurrences when she would look at him with those eager eyes, just begging him to do something that she didn't have the courage to do. And even though she flirted with him on those rare occasions – even though she was always touching him and sending those subliminal messages his way, it was still not enough to know.
And it broke his heart. If only she were able to tell him how she really felt – whether or not she cared for him in any way – then he would take the initiative to kiss her. But that fiery passion deep within him, that intense feeling of both love and lust that needed to be released just couldn't because – because he didn't know.
So it was with a heavy heart that he released her and walked away.
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Meryl smiled warmly as she got ready for work. It had been a week since she had last been in her stuffy over-crowded office and she was beginning to miss it. Millie had been taking wonderful care of her while she was 'disabled' (Meryl really hated the fact that she was not allowed to do anything without Millie or her families consent) and Meryl was finally glad that she was able to get out of there.
As she finished stuffing her things into her bag, she walked slowly out into the front room of the apartment, glancing around to make sure that she hadn't forgotten anything. It was strange to know that she would be leaving the place that she had grown so accustomed to in the short time that she had been staying within the home, and she wasn't sure of whether or not she could actually get used to working in that office.
She had been so used to it before – but now – now she was used to working in the nice homey warmth of her own home with one member of her foster family near – chatting up a storm with her. And truth be told she would miss it. But now that she was going back to work she would be able to talk to some of her co-workers.
A knock sounded at the door, snapping Meryl out of her thoughts, and almost immediately she walked over to it, opening it slowly, before a strange somber look appeared on her face.
"Hey." Meryl said quietly as she looked at the blonde haired man standing in her doorway. Vash smiled beautifully (which sent Meryl's heart fluttering) before raising an inquisitive eyebrow at her somber expression.
"Is something wrong?" Vash asked as he lifted her right arm up and poked her side gingerly, attempting to see if her wound was giving her any trouble. This gesture merely rewarded him with a slap, in which he smiled gratefully for.
"I'm glad to see that you are doing well." Vash responded cheerfully as he rubbed his stinging cheek slowly. Meryl smiled at him, glad that he had came to visit her, but sad all the same. Why had he waited so long before he decided to visit her? If he had come a little earlier when she was still extremely injured maybe she would have been able to spend some time with him, but she was just headed to work and – her heart was just about crushed.
"Yeah, listen Vash – I have to get to work, but maybe you – perhaps you can come by later on tonight and have dinner with Millie and I." Meryl said almost too quietly for him to hear. Vash titled his head to the side, his turquoise eyes baring into hers for a terse moment before a kind smile appeared on his gentle features.
For a moment, a single moment it looked as though it were an apologetic smile – as though he was going to say something that Meryl wouldn't like. But that that genuine smile reached his eyes and Meryl couldn't help but smile back.
"So you are going to come by?" Meryl asked. It was almost too hard to suppress the temptation to jump up and down with anticipation, but Meryl managed to do so anyways. Vash nodded his head slowly, reaching a hand out to pat Meryl on her head.
"Of course, I actually miss yours an Millie's cooking. Besides it would be nice to catch up with everything that happened once I left." Vash said as he ruffled her hair slowly. Meryl raised an inquisitive eyebrow, attempting to squash the feeling that was threatening to spread its talons throughout her body.
But it couldn't be helped. There was something different about the way that he was looking at her this time – but she couldn't put her finger on it. And she wished that he would stop. Even though it sent some strange foreign feeling surging through her veins she just wished that it would stop.
Vash had never looked at her that way before, and it made her most uncomfortable. After glancing around the hall and shifting uncomfortably, Vash seemed to have gotten the message and stopped running his fingers through her hair.
Wait. Wait. What?
Was Vash really running his fingers through her hair? In a sense she knew that he was, but he had made the gesture seem so innocent as though he wanted to touch her.
"Well, I really should get going to work. I guess that I will see you tonight at around 7." Meryl stated as she shut and locked her door before taking off down the hall.
And she didn't know whether it was her or not, but she couldn't help but shake the feeling that Vash continued to watch her with that same strange look lingering within those turquoise eyes as she left.
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Lust.
To have an eager, passionate, and an especially inordinate or sinful desire; as for the gratification of the sexual appetite or of covetousness. [1]
Love.
A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preeminent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness. [2]
Vash sighed heavily as he closed the dictionary and pushed it away from him. Most would think it odd for a man to be looking up the definition of love and lust, but he had a perfectly good reason for this.
Dilemma.
He was in a dilemma. Almost every single night for an entire week he had been having one simple dream that sent his hormones raging, and his mind reeling. It was the same dream that continued to insinuate him and Meryl actually being together
It was strange – the fact that he was having this dream for he never really cared about Meryl that way. During the dream he would continue to want to kiss her, to become part of her, and he would even ponder of whether or not he was in love with her – but then he would always end up walking away from her.
Whatever the dreams meant he didn't really know, but it continued to have him question just what he felt for her. And when he had seen her earlier that day he suddenly felt the urge to want to touch her, just to be able to know what her skin would feel like under his.
And that made him think that with these dreams he was lusting after her. But then, whenever he thought that he was lusting after her it would be replaced with something else – something that let him know he was wrong.
When had his emotions become so conflicted? Before he would know what he wanted – to save people, to cry when he mourned, to be kind and not have to worry about death. But know he didn't know whether or not he simply cared about someone or was lusting after someone.
Before it was so simple – so uncomplicated – and now everything was simply in ruins. In a sense he wished that he could simply get out of whatever mess he was in, to go and find Knives once again – but instead he had promised a woman whom he had known for only a couple years that he would stay with her, that he would stay for her.
And as he thought about it, he wondered what had made him promise that. Was it the look in her eyes when she had asked him? Before he had known the answer, but now he wasn't so sure. Then there was the fact that he had seen Meryl half-naked and he didn't know if whether or not that was the reason of the dreams or not.
But within that one day that he had seen her something happened to change his entire view of her.
And he just couldn't stand it.
It had to stop, it needed to stop. But Vash knew that no matter what he did he wouldn't know the answer to the question that kept floating through his mind – demanding an answer.
Was what he was feeling lust or love?
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A/N: This is all – and I repeat – all that I am writing for this chapter. I am sorry that this is so short, but you know school and stuff. And my sincerest apologies about the jump from Vash not "loving" Meryl to him not knowing whether or not he was lusting over her or loving her. But there is a reason. Anyways, this is just a short interlude that I am giving you because it will be a while before I upload again. Thanks for the reviews.
[1] I took this definition from the ff.net dictionary.
[2] This is also a definition that I took from the ff.net dictionary.
~Neko-Sama~