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INSOMNIA

Jessenia
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He lay on the bed, eyes open, staring at the ceiling. He couldn't exactly see the ceiling, the lights were off the moon offered only vague hints of shadows through the window. He through an arm over his head. He should be able to sleep. There was no logical explanation as to why he couldn't.

He knew, from the moment he had received the mission assignment that there would be problems. Sharing close quarters with Duo was never easy for him. Not to say it was unpleasant... But somehow nothing seemed to work like it should.

Like now. He should be able to sleep. He'd been up all night last night creating the files and back-up histories and setting up their applications to this, the latest of private schools they were inhabiting. He had spent the day in classes, and the afternoon in an intense basketball game with his friend that he had proposed specifically with an eye to make sure he slept. He had finished his work and had a long shower, warm, so that his muscles would relax. And still... ...nothing.

He sighed and turned his thoughts towards his best-friend who lay in an ungainly sprawl on the bed at the other side of the room. This was a topic that was difficult, only because he spent as much time seeking the answers as he did running from them. Nothing was ever simple. He huffed, then quickly turned to make sure he hadn't woken Duo. No such luck...

What?

Whatever.

He had long-since accustomed himself to such so-called Freudian-slips. So what if he secretly desired Duo? It was just lust. It would pass. But the old consolation that he had been using for the past six months wasn't good enough. Not after sic months.

It wasn't just lust.

And it wasn't just friendship.

His mind supplied one frightening alternative, that was frightening more because it seemed the most likely, but still, Heero ignored it. Not only was it impossible for anyone to love him, it was impossible for him to love... He hoped.

If it was love he felt for Duo, then things were going to go downhill. Surely the American did not feel the same way. If he ever expressed it, the most pleasing scenario (as presented by the side of him that respected reality) had Duo humouring him for a few fucks and then getting side-tracked by a more enticing prospect.

He sighed again, torn between the sense of loss at the realization that he was destined to be alone forever. And between a sense of aggravation, what the fuck was he doing thinking about love anyway? He was a soldier. A soldier in the middle of a mission!

"Ch'. Baka." He frowned and rubbed his forehead, just to make sure he could still feel.

Sometimes he had to remind himself of his situation. That he was damaged, because of everything the training to do him. He wasn't worthy of any type of affection, broken things were good for nothing.

And he closed his eyes. Hoping to chase his thoughts away.

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Duo had given up an hour ago. He'd been tossing and turning, waiting to find that sweet-spot that would make him fall asleep in an instant. That God-damned annoyingly elusive sweet-spot that he had yet to find. He had tried every trick he knew, from counting sheep, to counting gundams, to imagining that the extra pillow he had stolen from his silent-partner's bed was the boy himself, and he was actually laying curled-up in his arms.

Yeah. That was smart. Now he had a raging hard-on.

He turned, still clinging to the pillow, and stared at Heero.

The bastard was resting peacefully. Lying there in that terribly efficient position, spread slightly eagle on his back, with one lazy arm draped over his eyes. Completely and blissfully unaware of Duo's predicament. Not that it had been Heero's fault... well, not entirely.

Duo had been doing his best to ignore the boy. Having been driven half-mad by the fact that every move Heero made looked sexy, Duo had decided that if he buried his nose in a book, he wouldn't see Heero. That hadn't worked. He just kept glancing away from his book, and when the quiet boy had stripped off his clothes right in front of him (that had been fun) and changed into his gym clothes, Duo just had to cover for the fact that he was staring, by pretending that the sight of the gym clothes peaked his interest. Well, it had, but if Heero believed that he was interested simply in a basketball game, then so much the better.

Duo grit his teeth. He'd had about all he could take of this. Heero had been driving him crazy for nearly a year and a half. Ever since the stubborn bastard had disappeared on a mission for a month and left Duo to contemplate why his head spun whenever he spoke to him, and why he didn't quite feel like getting out of bed anymore. He had half a mind to just slam Heero against a wall, plaster him with a kiss and tell him the truth, it would save them both a lot of trouble.

Pathetic.

That's what Heero would say...

"Ch' baka."

Duo blinked. No, he hadn't hallucinated that, Heero had actually said it. He frantically looked towards the boy, no he was still asleep. Wait a minute. Duo had seen this trick before. He smiled.

So here they were. So boys, unable to sleep. One of them desperately aroused. The other enticingly oblivious. Duo nearly grinned.

Why the fuck not?

Here he was being driven near-crazy about his partner. What good would that be during a mission? Duo had come to a realization, as much as Heero meant to him, he was too addicted to be able to only look. Duo needed all of Heero, or else he had to commit every ounce of his being to try to wean himself from the addiction. Get busy loving, or get busy leaving. It was either everything or nothing, anything in between would just drive Duo crazy...

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Heero was so absorbed in his thoughts, and in trying to will himself to sleep that it wasn't until an electric-shock touch ran down the side of his cheek, and a firm weight settled itself on his bed that he realized that Duo had even moved.

He lay there, half stunned by the contact, and didn't realize that he could open his eyes until he felt the warm hand withdraw from his cheek. "Duo." He sighed the name, and was taken aback for a moment. He heard the longing in his own voice, he prayed that Duo had not.

Duo smiled a little from his position astride Heero's waist. "Can't sleep?" he asked. Heero couldn't think straight. He wondered when it was that he'd last been touched like this? Had he ever been touched like this? He couldn't remember.

He felt Duo's arousal, his attention was drawn to it when the boy shifted, leaning down closer, warm breath ghosting over his face. Duo groaned. It was quiet, but it shocked Heero. He wasn't sure what he should do, but he wished that Duo would leave before Heero made a fool of himself, said something that he shouldn't say. Did something...

"No." Duo smiled, a slow lifting of his luscious mouth. Heero watched as Duo's tongue snaked-out, wetting his lips as if he were about to taste some rare delicacy.

"Me neither." Heero vaguely registered the rough, husky edge in Duo's voice before Duo claimed his mouth. His mind blanked for a moment before he panic filled him. This was it. The crossroads. Either he was going to tell Duo the truth, make sure the boy knew what he was getting into before he was in over his head, or he was going to push Duo away forever. The choice was his. He was, after all, the only one with the guilty secret.

He groaned. Long and low and he felt himself blush when he realized it. In response, Duo ground himself against his hips. They were both hard now. Both desperate. Heero felt a hand snake under his shirt, what was Duo doing? He was about to ask when the hand rubbed against his nipple, and Heero felt himself involuntarily arching back. He felt Duo shift down his legs a bit, felt the loss of heat and pressure on his groin.

He felt both hands now, running up and down his torso, rubbing vigorously, and wreaking havoc on his senses. He felt his shirt being pulled over his head, felt his own hands rise of their own accord to Duo's chest, gripping his sides as if he were about to fall of the world and Duo was the only solid thing to hold on to. He tried to get his voice to work. To beg Duo to stop, to understand. To explain that it was as simple as a good lay, but just as his mouth opened to speak, Duo leaned down and set his mouth to finish the work that his hands had done earlier, and instead of stop, Heero cried out. Inarticulate. Pointless. Damning. Now he wasn't sure if he could realign his thoughts again. Wasn't sure if he even wanted to.

He tugged at the bottom of Duo's shirt impatiently, trying to get the boy's attention. Maybe then Duo would stop, and he would be able to think clearly, and remember whatever it was that he thought was so important to say.

Duo misinterpreted.

He sat back and whipped off his own shirt before leaning down again and quickly returning to his task. Heero's hands returned to the smooth skin, ran up and down Duo's sides, and then just caught themselves in his hair. Entangling themselves there, much to Heero's dismay.

Then he felt the tug on his pants. Felt Duo fumbling to loosen the draw-string even while he distracted him with his mouth all over his body. Heero suddenly remembered the problem.

"No." He muttered, but Duo ground his hips into him again and sucked more furiously. "Wait." Heero gasped as Duo took his nipple into his mouth. "Wait." Heero called and used his forced to flip them over, exchanging their positions. "You can't do this. You don't want..." He tried to get control of his breath, surprisingly difficult to do.

It was even more difficult to figure-out what to say when violet eyes pierced him through, wide and expecting. Duo was breathing just as heavily as he was.

"What?" The boy asked breathlessly, one hand rising to brush a hair out of Heero's face. Heero shook his head to clear it.

"I can't." He said. No, that wasn't it. "It's not that simple." Duo seemed confused. /Rightly so!/ Heero scolded himself. He wasn't making sense. "I want to." /That's right. But then, what's the problem?/ He read the same look in Duo's eyes. "But I this means more to me..." He looked away. How to say it without truly saying it? There was no way. It was either everything or nothing. "I mean... What I mean to say is ... I love you."

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Duo was lost in confusion, trying to reign his body-in, waiting for Heero to speak. It couldn't be a rebuff, Heero had been more than willing. Or seemed to be... Maybe he had just taken the boy off guard, and now Heero was about to voice his disgust. He closed his eyes, preparing mentally for that moment.

It never came.

"I love you."

He blinked, wondering if he had heard that right. He felt Heero's entire body grow taught beneath him. /He's preparing to bolt. Are you really prepared to let him do that?/ He grinned inwardly. /No fucking way! Not now, not ever!/

"Me too." He smiled, feeling dazed, not understanding this strange unbelievable outcome after he had been prepared to be tossed to the other side of the room and never see his partner again. He saw the look of surprise, doubt and confusion in Heero's eyes and filed it away, feeling saddened by the fact that Heero valued himself so little. "I love you too." He clarified, and slowly saw the light creep back into those prussian eyes he loved. But still that evil bead of doubt hesitated.

"I'm not kidding." Heero said, looking as if he were slightly upset that Duo wasn't taking him seriously.

"Neither am I." He paused just long enough to let the first stage of reality sink-in for the boy before pulling him down for a long, slow and deep kiss. When they pulled away, a move necessitated by the need for air, Duo saw that evil bead of doubt slowly dying in Heero's clear blue eyes. He couldn't wait any longer.

Duo rolled over, pushing Heero back onto the bottom, and pinned him there. Loving the way every emotion was written plainly in Heero's face. His Heero. His. Always. He ran a finger down the side of Heero's cheek, loving the feel of him, and then continued the trail down the boy's throat. Heero gasped. /Ah. A sensitive spot, is it?/ He noted it with glee, savouring the thought, just before he leaned down to fully exploit this new weakness, that he had the rest of his life to learn every one of the perfect soldier's weaknesses.

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the end

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Jessenia: Well, thank-you for reading!! If you care to review, I really appreciate that. Tell me, does this fic need a little sequel maybe? Should it be lemon? Or the continuation of the relationship? Let me know? I'd consider it.

PS. I wrote this fic at 1:39 A.M After getting no sleep for three days straight. That's sorta the theme. Well, write what you know!! So please, no flames. @_@

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standard disclaimers apply