Disclaimer

There are a lot of McCoy stories with happy endings and even more pairing him with unlikely partners like Nora, Abbie and Mike Logan! This tale seeks to find a happy ending with an unknown soul mate. The characters belong to Dick Wolf, and I am only borrowing them. I used to be a writer, but my skills have deteriorated since I became a nurse and now have to write in short, concise statements. I hope you enjoy my first attempt at fanfiction.

Introduction

Jack McCoy stood wearily in his office staring out the window without really seeing anything. It had been a long couple of months. He had just finished closing arguments in a horrific murder case. The case was in the hands of the jury now. He was tired both physically and mentally. His old assistant Abbie had once asked him after an equally horrific case "How did he wash it off?" He said he'd let her know when he figured it out. He still hadn't. After a few more minutes, he slowly changed clothes and gathered up his keys, helmet and briefcase for the ride home to his quiet and cluttered brownstone apartment. He had bought the apartment shortly after he married Kate in 1970. He had met her during a basketball game between the med school and the law school. They were winning when he got popped in the eye by an elbow. Kate was the one who handed him an ice pack for his swollen eye. He graduated from law school, got hired by the DA's office and married Kate all in short order. Initially, she understood that he needed to devote his time and energy to building his career. She was four years younger, starting her first year of medical school at NYU when they married. Between her studies and his job, they made the most of every free moment.

At first neither of them seemed to notice the months, then years slipping by. Both were driven, hard working people. Jack had graduated from high school at 16, college at 19, driven as much to success as he was to get away from his father. Law school at NYU was pleasant by comparison. His father was hundreds of miles away, and his law classes stimulated and challenged him more than his undergraduate courses ever had. Kate was equally intense. She, too, had completed high school early and then went on to NYU for both her undergraduate degree and to attend medical school. While he was building his career at the DA's office, Kate dove into her internship at St. Vincent's hospital, then completed dual residencies in pediatrics and emergency medicine.

The early years were a blur of late dinners, occasional weekend getaways and passionate lovemaking. The years slipped by rapidly. Their few quiet times together were often interrupted by one or the others' pagers chirping annoyingly and requiring attention. The brightest spot was the birth of their daughter Elizabeth in 1980. Jack delighted in this tiny pink bundle. He had no desire for a son to continue the name or propagate the genes or for whatever reason men want sons. He feared his father's legacy would haunt him with a boy. With his little girl, he didn't need to be any one but daddy. Kate breastfed Elizabeth, but he helped with the night routine; He'd bring the baby to her, change her diaper and then settle her back to sleep after a feeding. Both of them were always tired, but fatigue was their normal. Things got tense between them as Jack moved up the career ladder at the DAs. He often left before 7 a.m. and returned home after the baby was asleep. It was also rare when he didn't have to put in a few hours on the weekends. He usually took Beth with him on Sundays, as much to give Kate a break as to enjoy time with her. He'd catch up on paperwork while she'd play in his office. When he was finished, Jack would take her to lunch. They'd go to the park or zoo if it was a nice day or to a museum if it was wet and cold. Kate got some time alone to catch up on sleep, to read or to shop. Elizabeth was usually tired after a day with her dad and settled into sleep fairly easily after her dinner, a warm bath and a bedtime story. Jack and Kate could enjoy a nice dinner and the chance to simply talk together or make love. Both treasured these evenings. Jack wondered to this day how he blew it. He'd only truly loved two women in his life: Kate who gave up on him and Claire who died on him.

Kate was an emergency room physician at St. Vincent's specializing in pediatric emergencies and trauma. She worked twelve hour shifts four nights a week, taught some classes for healthcare professionals and served on two hospital committees. While she was busy, her schedule was flexible and allowed her to make Elizabeth her first priority. Busy at work, he didn't notice that she seemed irritated with him most of the time. The late nights made it rare for him to be home in time for dinner, much less to see Elizabeth awake. Kate usually left for work before he got home. Even when he was home, he'd have to keep the babysitter available in case he got called to a crime scene. In June 1984, Jack was deep into a long trial involving the organized crime, murder, drugs and money laundering. After long days in court, trial preps went on into the night. Several times, Jack didn't bother going home. He slept on his couch, then shaved and showered at a nearby fitness center. Sometimes, he'd even forget to call home and check on Kate and Elizabeth. When the trial dragged on longer than anyone expected, Jack's vacation was cancelled. Kate was angry and hurt. Coordinating vacation time with two professional careers was difficult, and her vacation time couldn't be changed easily. Kate took Elizabeth and went to the Connecticut beach house anyway. He didn't know at the time that she also interviewed for another job in Connecticut. She waited until the trial was over and the verdict was in before she blew him away with those two little words, "I'm leaving." And she did. Silently packing up her and Elizabeth's things while he stood by numbly and unsure what to do to fix the situation.

Chapter 1

In the quiet of the apartment, Jack sat in the dark for several hours and thought about the direction his life had taken. His two loves had only been gone a few hours, yet it seemed an eternity to him. Fourteen years of marriage…Jack felt sick inside. He missed his little girl…her chatter, her bedtime stories, her baby shampoo smell, her little hand in his. With Kate's night shift responsibilities, he frequently was alone in their bed. Tonight was different, permanent. Jack loved sleeping with Kate. He loved her softness, her warmth, her smell, and he especially loved the little pleased sounds she made when they made love. He couldn't even call them. She hadn't left a number, and he hadn't thought to ask.

By 5 a.m. Jack gave up on any thoughts of sleep and headed into the office. His other cases had piled up during the long trial, and he had a mountain of paperwork to catch up on. He worked through the day and before he knew it the clock was chiming 9 p.m. Jack's head ached from eye strain, fatigue and something else. He drove home to the empty apartment and dumped the mail onto the table. He strode over to the answering machine, hoping for the sound of Kate's voice. The machine chipped, "No new messages" when he pressed the button. Frustrated, he stripped off his clothes, washed down a couple of aspirin with a tumbler half full of scotch and took a long, hot shower. He slipped damp and naked into the unmade bed, pulled the covers over his head and thought, "to hell with her" as he fell into a restless, exhausted sleep.

Kate finally called the following weekend, a brief, business like call. She gave him their new address and telephone number. She told him that she had a new job at Connecticut Children's Medical Center in Hartford. She'd found a nice house in a suburb of Hartford where Elizabeth could walk to school and play outside without the safety concerns inherent in a big city like New York. Jack, she said, was welcome to visit whenever he chose to take a break from the law. She told him that if he wanted a divorce, it was up to him to file. She was Catholic and considered them married for life.

In the beginning, Jack went to visit them whenever he had a free day. Kate was always civil, but cool to him. She'd made it perfectly clear that unless he was willing to quit the DA's office and move to Connecticut, she wasn't interested in working things out. Jack had made his choice--wisely or poorly--he didn't know, but he'd stayed with the DA's. Elizabeth at five was too young to truly understand why her parents live apart. As Elizabeth became more involved with friends, school and sports, she became less excited with spending the day with her dad, away from her friends. Kate remained cool and aloof, still angry that he chose work over them. As time passed his visits became less frequent, and he let work fill the emptiness.

His first affair started because of his long hours. Fellow ADA Michelle (Shelly) Kates shared a love of the law and worked near him in the Trials Bureau. Shelly made the first move, asking him first to dinner and then back to her place. It wasn't long before they were sleeping together regularly. Jack liked this arrangement a great deal. He was with someone who understood his work hours and priorities because Shelly was in the same situation. No deep emotional attachments were needed by either of them. They were in it purely for friendship and sex. Their parting was amicable when Shelly left the DA's for a private law firm.

Next came Sally Bell. Only Sally wasn't just a co-worker, she was Jack's assistant. The relationship with her was similar to Shelly's, but different too. Jack asked Sally to join him first at dinner and later in his bed. Sally worked for him for two years and slept with him for most of that. Jack wanted, needed to win his cases. He wanted to head Trials Bureau as the Executive Assistant District Attorney (EADA). To reach that goal he drove himself, his assistant, the police and anyone else involved in his cases very hard. Jack did not like to lose. As he often said, "in my family, losing is not an option." Sally worked hard, but in the end, he just plain wore her out. Towards the end, she started becoming distant. Jack wasn't surprised when she bolted for a private firm with better hours, better pay and more respect. They'd face each other across the aisle several times since they split up. Their parting was civil and so were their subsequent meetings.

Diana Hawthorne came next. He was closing in on his quest for the EADA job when she was assigned to him. This time his work took precedence over personal relationships, and Diana actually worked with him for a year before they became lovers. They worked together four years and slept together for three of them. He'd won his promotion during the high profile Andrew Dillard case. Dillard was a white racist accused of murdering young Black boys. The case put him in the public…and Adam Schiff's eye. When they won the case, Jack took Diana on a three week tour of Ireland to celebrate. When they got back, Jack threw himself into the new job with his usual zeal. This doomed the relationship with Diana. She, too, was burning out. Diana seemed distracted at work and distant at home. It was almost a relief to Jack when she bolted for a private practice.

Adam Schiff was a wise old soul who won election as District Attorney multiple times, and he was an excellent judge of character. He knew that his new EADA of Trials was a womanizer and workaholic who sometimes drank too much and had a temper. Adam had heard some of the rumors around the office. But he also knew that it was hard finding experienced, dedicated trial lawyers in the DA's office. Few stayed around long. Once they got experience, many chose the defense table for the higher pay. Jack was bright and dedicated. He didn't play politics. He worked long hours. And he lived to win. Adam liked those traits and hoped to nurture the best and discourage the worst. When Jack's assistant, Bob Crocker, resigned, Jack had requested Claire Kincaid be assigned to him. Adam called Jack into his office and regarded him over a glass of scotch. Adam basically told Jack that he would assign Miss Kincaid to him, if he kept his fly zipped. No problem he told Adam.

Claire Kincaid. Jack had first noticed her talking to Ben Stone in the hallway outside of Adam's office. Striking dark hair and eyes, shorter than Kate, smelled great when he passed her in the hall. He'd approached Adam as soon as he heard that Ben was leaving the DA's office. He listened to Adam's warning and fully intended to honor it. Claire was as smart as she was beautiful, smarter even than he was, Jack thought. She'd called Jack on his reputation immediately on walking into his office. There were five hundred attorneys in the DA's office and quadruple that in support staff. Rumors went both ways. Jack had heard rumors of Claire's relationship with an older judge with whom she'd clerked. Twenty years his junior, Jack actually had no intention of getting involved with her. He enjoyed the physical release of sex, but hated the emotional entanglement a relationship often meant. They went for a drink the first night and were sleeping together within the month.

Jack found Claire sexy, funny and smart. She loved to win as much as he did, but had a higher moral code…at least with the law. Jack and Claire worked extremely well together. She wanted to learn every facet of the law and she wanted to try major felons. They disagreed on many aspects of the law, especially the death penalty, but seemed to be able to keep work and play separate. Claire gave Jack a hard time about the sloppiness of his apartment. He hadn't made any changes since he split with Kate, and it showed. They frequently had late dinners together and then went back to his or her place. Claire enjoyed weekend rides to the mountains or seashore on his motorcycle. Claire was becoming an important part of his life. This caused Jack a rare ethical dilemma. He still loved Kate in his own way and was still legally married to her. They'd been split since 1984. Sleeping around was one thing, but falling in love? For the first time since Kate walked out, Jack felt the little twinges that told him he was in love again, but with Claire. For the first time, Jack debated filing the divorce papers. He wasn't sure marriage was what Claire wanted either. Hell, he was pushing 50 and she was not. He avoided the subject completely even as his love for her grew. It was more than sex, though that was outstanding. He was pretty sure her previous lovers were fairly inept, and he enjoyed teaching her the finer aspects of lovemaking.

Claire stood by him during the embarrassment of the Andrew Dillard case. In her desire to win for him, Diana had manipulated some evidence and hidden other evidence to help (wrongly it turned out) convict Dillard. Jack was suspended while Claire investigated. Eventually he was exonerated and reinstated, while Diana was charged for her part. His relationship with Diana, often rumored, became public knowledge. In a sense, it put Jack and Claire on equal footing. Her relationship with Judge Thayer had also become public knowledge and had embarrassed her deeply. She understood his feelings and did not throw it in his face.

Their last few days together were awful. The Mickey Scott execution loomed. Jack had tried him, the jury had convicted him and now the State of New York was going to put him to death. Claire was still in law school when the case was tried. She hated the finality of the death penalty. For the first time, their work disagreements spilled over at home. By now, Jack spent most nights at Claire's. Her apartment was neater than his and she lived closer to the office.

That last terrible day, after they drove back from Attica together, he felt that familiar distancing that he'd felt when Sally and Diana had left. He was so used to burying his emotions that he didn't know what to do. So he hadn't done or said anything. Almost as soon as she'd dropped him off, he realized his mistake and tried to call her. Unable to reach her after multiple attempts, he headed for a bar and got busy getting drunk. He was feeling suitably numb when Detective Briscoe happened to pick the same bar and disrupted his alcoholic memories. Claire finally answered his page and agreed to come get him. Uncomfortable with being so plastered in front of the detective, he left before Claire got there. He still wasn't in too good of shape when he got called about the accident. Claire was pronounced dead at the scene.

When Jack found out she was dead he got on his cycle and just started riding. He'd never ridden it drunk before and he hadn't ridden it drunk since. He had no idea where to go or what to do. He simply started driving. He ended up in Hartford as dawn was breaking in the western sky, half frozen from the cool night spring air. He drove up to Kate's house because he couldn't think of anywhere else to go. No one answered his knock. Elizabeth had probably already left for school, and Kate wasn't home from work yet. Kate found him slumped in a porch chair when she drove up around 9. He was ice cold and slightly incoherent. She could smell the alcohol, but knew it was more than that. She got him inside, helped him strip off his damp clothes, and got him into a warm bath. She made him drink some warm tea and tucked him into her bed under an electric blanket. When he started shivering uncontrollably, Kate crawled in with him caressing him and holding him tight. Neither of them planned what happened next. Jack responded to Kate's caresses by kissing her and stroking her back. Initially Kate tried stop him, but they were both hungry for each other, and she surrender to his gentle touch. They made love like two people starved for each other and then fell asleep still locked in their embrace. Jack awoke first, aching head and body, immediately ashamed when he realized he turned to his estranged wife for comfort when his girlfriend died. He slipped out of bed, found his clothes and got dressed. Kate woke up while he was dressing and watch quietly with tears in her eyes. He knelt down by the bed, kissed her gently and mumbled an apology. He then drove back to the city to deal with his shattered life.

The funeral and the days that followed were a blur. Jack coped as always by burying himself in work. He refused a new assistant, drank harder and worked longer than ever before. Jack looked like he'd aged ten years. Even Adam was concerned. Adam was the father figure that Jack had never had. Adam had tried to rein Jack in when his emotions and temper flared, and he knew Jack hadn't kept his promise about Claire. Adam finally intervened by assigning Jack a new assistant--one he was sure could match Jack's fire, keep his ethics in line and keep his fly zipped. Jamie Ross. Jamie really kept him in line and gave him balance and friendship, a rare platonic friendship. The grueling hours were too much for the single parent, and Jamie left after just two years. Jamie was followed by Abbie. Abbie was too young for his tastes, and she actually challenged him to keep her ethics in line! Abbie was a young Jack, ambitious and determined to win, pushing the envelope even farther than he had. For her the DA's office was a stepping stone to a bigger arena. She left after three years and took a job in the U. S. Attorney's office. Abbie was replaced by his current assistant, Serena Southerlyn. Incredibly book smart, she lack the common sense and intuition he'd come to expect from his assistants…or maybe he was just getting old.

Between Adam Schiff retirement and Serena, the office was not the port in a storm it had been. Jack caught himself thinking about retirement. He hesitated only because he knew all he really wanted to do was try cases. He couldn't switch to the other side of the table this late in the game. No matter how he looked at it, he just wasn't having fun anymore.