Chapter Twenty: Make it Better

"Sydney, help me!" Sydney Van Ness closed his eyes and tried to block out the anguished voice. He slouched forward and gripped the corner of his desk, straining to stop the ringing in his ear. He longed to breath but it caught in his throat and the screaming wouldn't stop. "Sydney, I can't do this anymore. I can't play this game…I'm tired…so, very tired. Please, forgive me for giving up but I can't do this. Not anymore. I can't fight…"

Sydney closed his eyes and gripped the desk harder, till his knuckles turned white. He knew the voice by heart now, just as he knew he couldn't answer it. It was Severus' voice and in his mind's eye, Sydney could see the man stooped over and speaking in choked sobs to a man long since dead. The Severus of his vision was many years older then the youth Sydney had trained and the man's eyes had long since dimmed with sorrow, and shoulders long since sunk with burden.

"Sydney, I could use some help here…"

Sydney heard him scream in a voice that sounded pained beyond words. "Billy, please understand…I'm sorry." The sound was too animal, too base and intense that no human could produce such a damning noise that shook the hearer to the soul. It was a cry of the damned and it tore Van Ness apart to hear it. "Forgive me!"

"Alex," He gasped, holding his desk for some bearing on time and reality. But another wave of emotions flooded his being and he felt cold metal against his skin and saw a mask of the purest ivory marred only by three slender scars. "Alex, no…"

And as suddenly as the visions had begun, they ended and Sydney was left reeling. He straightened himself and took long, steadying breaths to calm himself. His heart stung from the sound of the beloved voice as pained and he so unable to stop it.

Not that he could stop it. It hadn't happened yet. Those words that rang through his ears were not yet spoken, not yet earned.

And perhaps that was the most damning part of it all.

Van Ness was a Seer, one of only a dozen naturally born world-wide. People with the true gift of the Sight were about as rare as Parselmouths, or Lycoan hearts and Hecate had made sure seven of those twelve were keep safe and well within its walls.

He had trained secretly under the Diviners but never to use his gift, only to contain it. Like most natural born, it had appeared in his youth, when he was unprepared. In life, it made him appear shy and introverted. This had led to a quiet and reserved nature and a stern reputation that alienated most. Alexander had accepted it, as did a few others but most simply strayed away from him and for the most part, he was content with that.

But he missed Alex. More then words could say he missed him.

They had been close, almost brothers, and this intimacy had been birthed wordlessly. This wasn't to say that Sydney wasn't close to Jude or hadn't been with Billy but there was something more with Alexander.

Among them, only Severus had seemed to understand the solitude that Sydney's gift had demanded.

And only Sydney had understood the darkness and discontent that stirred in Severus' heart.

Sydney sighed and twirled the wand between his fingers, quiet and reserved as always. Among the Sight, he was known as a pre-cognitive touch-know, and simply put it meant visions of the future came to him by touching objects or people. The wand was Severus', and the visions were of things to come.

His eyes began to sting from the smoke. All of Hecate was filled with it and moaning of the dead and dying. The heat from dancing flames burned his skin but he knew he couldn't react to it. None of it was real.

Not yet anyways.

Sydney put the wand down and sighed heavily, taking into his hand the bottle of Whiskey and finishing off the almost new bottle in two large gulps. There wasn't a day that passed now that he didn't make it through being half-drunk or more.

It was just getting too hard.

And he couldn't tell Amissa.

He leaned back in his chair and thought of Amissa. He hadn't known you could love someone as much as he loved her. It was a thick love that didn't allow rest. It was all-encompassing and all consuming but it filled his mind with ideas and his heart with hope.

Such a thing could be fatal.

He smiled ruefully, reaching into his desk and drawing another bottle. Amissa and fellow Slytherin alumnae turned Hecate-worker Gideon Mallory were both currently in the interrogations with Ellis and his Kaga bitch Sanyu. It was the third day of questioning for them.

Amissa's position as head of Hecate's Rune Department was in question and Gideon has Azkaban awaiting him.

Amissa needed him to be strong for her, especially now, especially with all this. They all needed him to be strong now. Jude and Andre needed a leader; someone who had pulled them out of greater strife then this and probably could hold the world on his shoulders if needed. Amissa needed her husband, her protector and guardian.

They needed an Auror, not a man.

Sydney took a drink and stared at the window. He knew, even if no one else did, about the crimes that would soon be caused in the name of grief. He feared them but welcomed them as well. He saw what most could not even if they wanted to. He saw Nations moved by the actions of one man. He saw the world humbled and nations jumping at shadows. He saw the dead and dying all under a sun of blood.

And an angel of unparallel beauty marred by three gold lines whose vengeance could make nations tremble. He could see it all…

And he was powerless to stop it.

"Sydney?"

He looked up and saw the face of another angel who, like her companion, was beautiful at the same time she was incomplete. The visions were painfully clear today and looking into Ari's eyes, Sydney could see her future. He saw a beautiful silver haired demon that would make her tainted, and marred.

He took another drink.

"What number is that then?" She asked, not sounding concerned but clearly so.

He forced his greatest smile up. "I don't share my booze, Ari, you know that." He set down the bottle (somewhat haphazardly so) and motioned for her to sit. "What can I help you with?"

"I'm not here on business." She whispered. It was then he noticed she had been crying. "I came to say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" He exclaimed, sobering against his will. "Why?"

"Sanyu got her wish, I've been reassigned." He gasped, and stood too-quickly swaying slightly. Ari reached out and straightened him, a somber smile on her lips. "Hey, hey, steady. Amissa's going to kill you if you get much more fried."

"You can't leave, Ari. We need you." He said finally. "Malachi and I need you."

"I have to obey orders, Van Ness or it's Azkaban for me. Kaga don't get a choice."

"Where are they sending you?"

"Oh, lucky for me Auberon stepped in on my behalf," Auberon Fay was her mentor and leader of Kaga and close friend to Sydney. He smiled and glanced at the file Ari handed him. "I'm going to be assigned to be the companion of Albus Dumbledore."

"The Hogwarts Headmaster?" He frowned. "Why a Kaga Companion for a teacher?"

"He's working closely with Victory Hawke, one of the top Aurors in England and apparently he has ties to many in the Ministry and some regular civilians. He's not content with the actions of the IWC and their barring Hecate. He has gotten his allies to form some sort of alternative defense force."

"Vigilantes?" Van Ness frowned. "That doesn't sound like something Crouch would back."

"He doesn't."

"And you, you usually wouldn't back it either." He put the file down on the desk. "Why would you agree to this?"

"I need to do something, Sydney. Who knows when the IWC will let Hecate have free reign concerning Voldemort? I'm willing to do anything, besides if I'm England maybe I can find…" She trailed off and looked away.

Sydney reached over and grasped her hand. "He's not coming back, Ari."

"I know." She said carefully. "But maybe I can find him and ask what I'm dying to know…"

"What's that?"

"Why couldn't he stay?" She looked him straight in the eyes, waiting. Ari was a strong woman, always had been. Everyone who knew her relied on that strength and she had never wavered under that strain. Yet now, looking into his eyes, he could only see a woman dying to know the answers that were known, even to him.

He shook his head softly. "I don't know."

"I know." She whispered. "And that's the hardest part." She forced up a smile. "I'll be in late October, for the anniversary…and I want you and Amissa married by then."

"Will you come to the wedding?"

"I'll try."

"Good. Stay safe, Angel. Amissa wants you as Maid of Honor" She stood and nodded, promising she would be there. They embraced and Sydney pushed back the scenes regarding her future to cherish this moment. He knew somewhere in his heart this would be one of the last times he saw her. As she turned and walked out, he called to her one last time. "He loved you, Ari. Don't ever doubt that."

She looked back with a strange look in her eyes. "So much so, he didn't even say good-bye."

The gardens of Hecate were large and dreamlike. It was easy to get lost there and Ari had, quite a few times with Alex. They had come to know these gardens like the back of their hands, and had cherished this place above all others and allowed it to become something shared between them. Neither one of them had ever been comfortable with the thought of being wholly loved and accepted by another lover, each for their own reasons but here, they had forgotten those fears and allowed what ever to past between to exist.

The scent of the ever-green Magnolia trees filled the garden and seemed out of place in winter. If she tried hard enough, she could swear she heard his laughter in the branches of the weeping willows. The Willows swayed softly, as if keeping the memory of happier times trapped, hidden away from her. She came to a practically old-looking one, whose great umbrella like vines could completely cover two people from the world.

They had made love under this tree. They had laughed, argued, joked, teased and fought under this tree, blissfully unaware of the outside world. This place had been the only haven they had allowed themselves. And in this dreamland, they had been happy.

Or at least, she thought they had. She pushed aside the branches and stepped into the safe haven. On her face was a look polite confusion, as if she was trying to grasp something but couldn't, or straining to see through a thick, encompassing fog. When she spoke, her voice was timid, confused but mostly sad.

"It's getting cold." She whispered, looking around. "We all can feel it…the air's changing and things are becoming harder to cope with. Everyone's beginning to fail now, Alex. Sydney doesn't go through the day without drinking and most of the time he won't even see Amissa. Jude's become a recluse…even Malachi seems lost…and now, I'm leaving too. I don't think this is how we meant for it to end. Everything is stretched too far and we're all about to break. I don't think anybody can reach us now. We were just kind of foolish to believe that the war couldn't touch us and that they could never tear us apart. But they did. The war came without our consent. We're being torn apart and there's nothing we can do to stop it." She paused, clearing her eyes before finding the strength to continue. The words were beginning to taste like ash in her mouth.

"You said once that Billy was the best of us all. You said that he was the heart we all had but couldn't show, the parts of us we were afraid to show even to each other... but now he's gone. He held us all together and when he died…the squad was broken."

"So, it's all dying now, Alex. Everyone can sense it. The air's getting colder… Now everything is ending. I'm just kind of wondering…what's going to be left for us when this is all over. One day, this will all be done…and what's going to become of us? I don't know if I will ever see you again, Alex. But I hope…"

No, she corrected herself, she didn't. Ari never hoped. That was a trait reserved for humans and she was Kaga. They were something above human, a breed of creature who didn't feel pain, or lost.

Or even love.

She was right. Things were ending but she couldn't allow herself to falter. Not now. She still had a job to do. She raised her head and inhaled, as if the motions gave her some real strength. She wrapped her training around herself like a protective cloak, demanding that she keep herself composed and strong.

But, she felt obliged to do pay at least some respect to the times shared here. She had to say good-byes. Her mind searched for something fitting.

"Beyond hope, Severus. Now and always."

She lingered there for a moment afterwards, waiting for some reply, or at least, some feeling of completion. None came.

No regrets, she thought to herself, taking in one last time the gardens. She then bowed her head, as if in prayer and turned to walk away.

"You're leaving?"

A voice interrupted her thoughts and she looked up to see Jude Remington standing before her. His eyes, once clear and hazel were haunted now and his worn appearance startled Ari.

She had always known him to be handsome and collected. He had the body of a Quidditch player- strong shoulders and powerful arms that as an Auror had been used for blunt strength and the occasional sparring match with Sydney or Alex. He was a formidable man but at the same time there had been tenderness hat she had once been attracted too.

Ari had known him since he first was assigned to Sydney as an apprentice, and they had been good friends, sharing at times intimate moments that perhaps could have one day turned into something else.

Had not Severus enter the picture.

"Oh Jude." She exclaimed, stepping forward and putting her hand on his cheek. His face seemed drawn like if he hadn't slept in days. "What's happening to you?"

"All my sins remembered." He whispered calmly, nuzzling her hand and cupping it to his face. He looked into her eyes, repeating. "You're leaving?"

She nodded ruefully. "Within the hour."

"You weren't going to say Good-bye?"

"I couldn't…not to you, at least."

"Why not?"

"Because it would hurt too much." She answered. "And I can't hurt you more then I already have."

"What if I said it was not too late for us?" He asked. "What if I said that if we tried hard enough, you and me could make it."

"I would say it is too late."

He gave her a soft smile, something hopeful and sad at the same time. "I thought so. You loved him…"

"No. We didn't love." She countered, carefully. "We weren't people that could."

"Could you have loved me?" She smiled softly but didn't answer. He nodded and took her hands in his, kissing it. "You know, I did things…and some of them were for you."

"What kind of things?"

"It doesn't matter anymore." He said, letting her hand fall. "I'll get what's coming to me soon enough regarding those scores." He laughed slightly. "Still we could have been grand together, you and I."

"Yes," She said, matching his half-hearted smile. "Isn't it lovely to think so?"

The hall was called Memory. It got its name from the messages that covered every corner, wall and furniture in the old dormitory. When in use, the building had been the first stop for new Auror recruits entering the Academy but now it had become a make-shift memorial to fallen comrades. The building had been left in tact when they had moved the dormitories and so the memorial appeared to be waiting for people that would never come.

And on the walls were names of lost, final messages and large beautiful murals that served to preserve the memory of those the Aurors themselves could no longer mourn.

Sydney entered the building, Jack Daniels in hand, and made his way to one mural on the second floor. It took up the entire wall and was painted in Broken Color, using vibrant colors in short strokes to create a blurry but touching picture.

Billy had painted it. His real name was Matthew William Moore but nobody ever called him that. People just called him Monet, after the great artist whose style he imitated.

The picture was of two people: male and female with their backs to each other and their heads bowed. Their clothing was nondescript and faces blurred, so that they could be anyone. There was something sad about the picture until you noticed one part of it…so easily overlooked on first glance people seldom noticed.

They were holding hands.

Sydney sighed heavily and reached over, placing his hand on the picture, sliding his eyes shut.

"Come and crush a cup of wine with us!" Alexander Rouge shouted over the blaring music in Memory.

Jude looked up and smiled. "Or brandy as the case is."

"Or Whiskey." Amissa offered.

Sydney strolled over; stepping over the cans of paint and taking the drink Alex offered him. He regarded it carefully, sipped it, and then grimaced. "I thought this was supposed to make you feel good."

"It's supposed to make you feel nothing."

"Aha, well that works better." He smiled, handing back the drink to Rouge. The Heir of Akel Dama downed the drink, barely flinching from the rancid taste. Sydney shook his head. "How can you drink that poison?"

"It's better with a chaser." The man answered coolly, reaching out and swinging Ari into his arms and kissed her. He pulled away triumphantly. "See?"

Ari rolled her eyes and pushed away. She smiled softly, bowing slightly. "Armsman Van Ness, a pleasure as always."

"Ari, I need your help over here." That was Billy's voice from top the ladder.

The gang was all there; Sydney, Alexander, Billy, and Jude with their partners- Amissa, Erised, Dahlia and Jude's flavor of the month, a woman named Lynn. They were all in Memory to help Billy with his mural to First Bloods.

First Bloods were the first fallen of an Auror graduating class. Alex and Billy's class had gone a year without the victims and then, a week ago the Death Eater known as Jack the Ripper had taken down an ambassador and his staff- among them two Aurors known as Ashley and Amber. Neither Alexander nor Billy had been close to the two Aurors but both had felt the lost in that special way of knowing they could be next. Alex had being quieter for a few days.

Billy had painted.

This wasn't unusual for Billy. He was always sketching, doodling, or watching. He understood the world through his drawings and somehow, with his sketching, he made it bearable. More over, he made it beautiful again when the world seemed ugly and cold.

"Are they Ash and Amber?" Sydney asked, motioning to the half-finished mural.

Billy glanced at him, then back to the picture. "It's you and Amissa, me and Dahlia, Alex and Ari…and yes, Ash and Amber. It's everyone; cling onto something tangible when the incomprehensible surrounds them."

"Why are they facing away from each other?" Amissa asked.

Billy reached over for the blue that Ari was offering him. He dipped his brush and returned to painting. "Because," He murmured softly. "Isn't that how we are? We are always too proud to cling to what we need…"

Sydney pulled his hand away from the wall, ending the vision and collapsing onto the floor. He drew his knees up, and cradled himself, clutching onto the bottle for dear life. "Oh god…why did you have to go?" He asked. "Why couldn't have been me?"

Billy's death wounded everyone he knew him deeply, both because of the senselessness of it but also of the emptiness it caused for all who knew him.

There was something in the way Billy existed that seemed wise and simple and beautiful all at the same time. His hands were his instruments of mercy, some surreal but at the same time they were what bound him to this world, Severus had said. Severus had believed with all his being that Billy had been placed on this earth to bind the gang together, to unite them and make them whole. But like all things surreal, Billy's time on earth was limited and he seemed to sense that. Billy never seemed quite right on this world. He was something innocent and beautiful and that had no place in a world like this.

But Sydney was of this world, bounded to it…and damned because of it.

"Why couldn't it have been me?"

"Would you have left me?" He heard a voice whispered and looking up he meant Amissa's eyes. She was watching him, determined to reach somehow. She spoke again, "Would you have left us all without you?"

"I should have died, he was under my command. I should have been there for him."

"You couldn't save him. That's how war is…that's what makes it hell."

"No, War isn't hell. War is war. Hell is hell." He muttered. "And of the two, war is worst."

"Why do you say that?"

"Who goes to hell?"

"The evil."

"Exactly," Sydney said, downing his drink. "There are no innocent bystanders in hell, war is full of them."

"Billy knew the risks. He died with honor…"

"But it's my fault he's dead." He said, shutting his eyes. "It's my fault…"

"It's not your fault their dead."

"Yes it is." Sydney shouted, shattering the bottle as he threw it against Billy's mural. "I should have seen it! I should have known! Not only was I his leader, I was his friend…and I can see the future.

'I've seen time pass before my eyes in moments, quicker then a blink and faster then a breath. I see children not yet born age before me. I know how people die before they do. I know the face of their lover before they've ever set eyes on them…but I can't, for the life of me, understand why I couldn't save him. When it counted most…why I could save him."

"Pre-cogs aren't all-knowing. They see in glimpses, bits and pieces and the future is always changing. Even you don't know how it ends." She said, walking towards him. She put her arm around him and squeezed. "You can't see everything. You can only make things better, that's the only thing we can do."

"Then make it better, Amissa! If the future can change because of one choice or one action then do it! Make it better! Turn left when it'll really count and make it ok! Do something to make it all better! Tell me how to make it better!" He pulled away and pressed his knuckles against the cold wall, leaning his entire weight against the wall, gritting against the memories. "What is it? What is that magic word or deed that makes everything turn out alright? Do it…make it okay. Bring Billy back!"

"I can't."

"Then what use are you? What good are you now? If you can't do what's needed to set things right, why are you or I here? What good am I if I couldn't save my squad?" He waited. "Answer me!"

"I don't know what to say…"

"Get out of my sight." He exhaled, disgusted. He was disgusted with himself for his weakness, disgusted with the world for being so cruel and disgusted with her for not doing the impossible. Hatred welled up in his throat. "If you can't do anything but stand there, get out of my sight."

"Sydney, please…"

"I said leave!" He screamed; spinning and flailing his arm, in anger. The sound of his hand striking her didn't register until he noticed the blood streaming from her lip. He stepped back, shocked at himself at what he had done. His anger immediately left him. "Amissa…"

"You said leave…" She whispered, holding a hand to her lip. "I'm doing so."

He watched her turn and walk away, feeling his heart break as she did. There were few things he loved, his squad was one, Hecate was another, but Amissa topped it all. She was everything to him; all at once his weakness and his strength and watching her leave drained him. He sank to his knees again, ignoring the pain of the shattered glass as it pierced his pants and sliced his skin. He bowed his head.

"Does that make it better?" Asked a cool, female voice. Sydney didn't need to look up to know the voice. It was Corinna Hecate, the Kaga Companion who had been his occasional bedfellow before he had ever met Amissa. He looked up, and watched her. Corinna was wearing a gray robe, hiding a nightgown. Her blond hair was pulled into a bun and her blue eyes were focused on him, "Does it make it all go away?"

He stood, not caring for the pain, and pulled her near to him. She gasped slightly from the suddenly action and power behind and submitted when he drove his hand down her robe, kissing her. She understood his actions held no love or ill-will in them. He just wanted to feel like he could still control something. He would never want to control Amissa like this, to cause pain, with her it was different.

She was there to make sure Aurors felt human. So she didn't make a sound as he forced her robe down her shoulders. She drew her hand through his hair and kissed his brow. "Make it better," She cooed. "If only for a moment…"