A/W: I LIVE! I have risen from the dead and I don't own Final Fantasy 7 or
anything related to that! (break dances). I LIVE!!!
(CLOUD and AERIS are dwelling in the playground)
CLOUD: I've just realized that 20% of the damage dealt to me is from monsters and the other 108% comes from women. Do females hate me?
AERIS: Astute observation. What's your point?
CLOUD: Can I get that cure now?
AERIS: For the millionth time, no.
CLOUD: Can I get a potion then?
AERIS: Why can you be more like my former boyfriend?
CLOUD: Who?
AERIS: Some person in SOLDIER like you. First-class as well.
CLOUD: Who?
AERIS: Don't remember. It was ten years ago. Wouldn't you know?
CLOUD: Sephiroth?
AERIS: No.
CLOUD: Tifa!
AERIS: What? Are you asking me to add another 5% to the total?
CLOUD: No! She's sneaking into Sector 6!
AERIS: (Eyes Tifa's shadow disappearing into Sector 6) Well? Let's go! The sooner I get rid of you, the safer I'll be!
(Grabs CLOUD and drags him over to Sector 6)
AERIS: What the hell..?
CLOUD: Huh? Something's wrong?
AERIS: The place is swarmed with naked men dancing and "doing it" with each other.
CLOUD: Oh, I knew something was wrong.
(AERIS proceeds to grab CLOUD and drag him over to the salon)
AERIS: Excuse me sir, would you tell..
SOME FAT GUY: (to CLOUD) Hello sir! Are you ready to make your fantasies real? We are the best of the best with the moves and power!
AERIS: On second thought, I'm sure the "other" way is much more convenient.
CLOUD: (turns green after eyeing "something") I'm deeply disturbed.
(AERIS smacks CLOUD toward DON CORNEO's mansion)
AERIS: Maybe I should open some sort of transportation company.
SOME EXTRA: Welcome to Don Corneo's mansion! Wow, a hot guy like yourself would love to join our male competition! If you want to join, please state your name, address, credit card number, and your bank account and we'll give you a reply after we steal all of your money!
CLOUD: .Don't make me slice it off.
SOME EXTRA: Huh?
AERIS: The place where you personally know it'll hurt like hell.
SOME EXTRA: Eep! Um, wouldn't joining the contest be more fun? Slicing and dicing is such a waste of time.
CLOUD: (whispers to AERIS) We gotta get in.
AERIS: Why?
SOME EXTRA: Huh?
CLOUD: Tifa's in there.
SOME EXTRA: Who?
AERIS: How do you know?
CLOUD: (pulls out handy dandy Bradygames Strategy Guide Book for Final Fantasy 7)
AUTHOR: HEY!! CHEATING IS BAD!!! NO MORE COOKIES FOR YOU!)
CLOUD: ...I like cookies?
(AUTHOR zaps CLOUD)
CLOUD: .Aeris, can I have.
AERIS: No.
CLOUD: Damn.
SOME EXTRA: I like cookies.
(AERIS proceeds to smack SOME EXTRA in the place you know it hurts like hell)
AERIS: Enough of this. Let's move the plot a little.
(AERIS grabs CLOUD and proceeds into the dungeon/torture room)
TIFA: Cloud! You're alive!
CLOUD: I won't be if no one casts that damned cure I need.
(Tifa casts cure on CLOUD)
CLOUD: I LIVE!!!
TIFA and AERIS: Shut up.
CLOUD: What are you doing here, Tifa?
TIFA: Finding you. Barret found a convenient placed fool working for Shinra and we got some info that we can nab some crucial info from this fat dude named Don Corneo.
????????: What! There are girls in the dungeon!
OTHER ?????: ATTACK! GIRLS MUST DIE!
(A swarm of naked thugs rushes at the trio, then trips and falls down the many, many stairs)
AERIS: What do you know? It's time for hit the place where it hurts like hell time!
TIFA: And our contestants are conveniently naked for extra fun!
(CLOUD grabs his very large buster sword. Soon, screams of bloody murder is heard throughout the world)
(Somewhere.)
CID: Ouch, that has to hurt.
RED XIII: Cid! Get down! Nobody knows about us yet!
CID: Oops.
(Back to the action)
TIFA: There's Don Corneo!
(Camera zooms on this largely obese person with sunglasses)
DON CORNEO: Women! Where are the guards?
CLOUD: Alright. Tell us about Shinra. What's the news?
TIFA: If you don't.I'd love to hammer "it" to the floor.
DON CORNEO: Fine. Shinra knows you're hiding in Sector 7 and Heidegger plans is going to blow it up. Happy?
TIFA, CLOUD, and AERIS: What?!?!?
DON CORNEO: Ha! I've tricked you! I've a switch right here and it'll send you to your doom!
CLOUD: Wait, who's Heidegger?
(DON CORNEO pushes the button at ease, smiling, only to realize that he pressed the wrong button and was ejected out of his mansion and plummeting toward the sea. There was a splash, followed by silence, followed by some weird bloop, revealing a drenched DON CORNEO)
DON CORNEO: I LIVE!!!!
(Jaws theme...)
JAWS: Not for long..
(Meanwhile.)
CLOUD: (flipping through his book) Oh, that's who Heidegger is. Wait, we're supposed to fall into the sewers! There's no mention of ejecting Don Corneo nor naked men!
AUTHOR: Damnit! Stop using that book! (zaps CLOUD, steal the book, and clicks the right switch. TIFA, CLOUD, and AERIS all plummet down into the sewers)
AERIS: Cloud. I hate you.
TIFA: Come on! We have to go and save Barret and the others!
CLOUD IN TEARS: My book.
(AERIS drags CLOUD as TIFA hurries to reach Sector 7)
(CLOUD and AERIS are dwelling in the playground)
CLOUD: I've just realized that 20% of the damage dealt to me is from monsters and the other 108% comes from women. Do females hate me?
AERIS: Astute observation. What's your point?
CLOUD: Can I get that cure now?
AERIS: For the millionth time, no.
CLOUD: Can I get a potion then?
AERIS: Why can you be more like my former boyfriend?
CLOUD: Who?
AERIS: Some person in SOLDIER like you. First-class as well.
CLOUD: Who?
AERIS: Don't remember. It was ten years ago. Wouldn't you know?
CLOUD: Sephiroth?
AERIS: No.
CLOUD: Tifa!
AERIS: What? Are you asking me to add another 5% to the total?
CLOUD: No! She's sneaking into Sector 6!
AERIS: (Eyes Tifa's shadow disappearing into Sector 6) Well? Let's go! The sooner I get rid of you, the safer I'll be!
(Grabs CLOUD and drags him over to Sector 6)
AERIS: What the hell..?
CLOUD: Huh? Something's wrong?
AERIS: The place is swarmed with naked men dancing and "doing it" with each other.
CLOUD: Oh, I knew something was wrong.
(AERIS proceeds to grab CLOUD and drag him over to the salon)
AERIS: Excuse me sir, would you tell..
SOME FAT GUY: (to CLOUD) Hello sir! Are you ready to make your fantasies real? We are the best of the best with the moves and power!
AERIS: On second thought, I'm sure the "other" way is much more convenient.
CLOUD: (turns green after eyeing "something") I'm deeply disturbed.
(AERIS smacks CLOUD toward DON CORNEO's mansion)
AERIS: Maybe I should open some sort of transportation company.
SOME EXTRA: Welcome to Don Corneo's mansion! Wow, a hot guy like yourself would love to join our male competition! If you want to join, please state your name, address, credit card number, and your bank account and we'll give you a reply after we steal all of your money!
CLOUD: .Don't make me slice it off.
SOME EXTRA: Huh?
AERIS: The place where you personally know it'll hurt like hell.
SOME EXTRA: Eep! Um, wouldn't joining the contest be more fun? Slicing and dicing is such a waste of time.
CLOUD: (whispers to AERIS) We gotta get in.
AERIS: Why?
SOME EXTRA: Huh?
CLOUD: Tifa's in there.
SOME EXTRA: Who?
AERIS: How do you know?
CLOUD: (pulls out handy dandy Bradygames Strategy Guide Book for Final Fantasy 7)
AUTHOR: HEY!! CHEATING IS BAD!!! NO MORE COOKIES FOR YOU!)
CLOUD: ...I like cookies?
(AUTHOR zaps CLOUD)
CLOUD: .Aeris, can I have.
AERIS: No.
CLOUD: Damn.
SOME EXTRA: I like cookies.
(AERIS proceeds to smack SOME EXTRA in the place you know it hurts like hell)
AERIS: Enough of this. Let's move the plot a little.
(AERIS grabs CLOUD and proceeds into the dungeon/torture room)
TIFA: Cloud! You're alive!
CLOUD: I won't be if no one casts that damned cure I need.
(Tifa casts cure on CLOUD)
CLOUD: I LIVE!!!
TIFA and AERIS: Shut up.
CLOUD: What are you doing here, Tifa?
TIFA: Finding you. Barret found a convenient placed fool working for Shinra and we got some info that we can nab some crucial info from this fat dude named Don Corneo.
????????: What! There are girls in the dungeon!
OTHER ?????: ATTACK! GIRLS MUST DIE!
(A swarm of naked thugs rushes at the trio, then trips and falls down the many, many stairs)
AERIS: What do you know? It's time for hit the place where it hurts like hell time!
TIFA: And our contestants are conveniently naked for extra fun!
(CLOUD grabs his very large buster sword. Soon, screams of bloody murder is heard throughout the world)
(Somewhere.)
CID: Ouch, that has to hurt.
RED XIII: Cid! Get down! Nobody knows about us yet!
CID: Oops.
(Back to the action)
TIFA: There's Don Corneo!
(Camera zooms on this largely obese person with sunglasses)
DON CORNEO: Women! Where are the guards?
CLOUD: Alright. Tell us about Shinra. What's the news?
TIFA: If you don't.I'd love to hammer "it" to the floor.
DON CORNEO: Fine. Shinra knows you're hiding in Sector 7 and Heidegger plans is going to blow it up. Happy?
TIFA, CLOUD, and AERIS: What?!?!?
DON CORNEO: Ha! I've tricked you! I've a switch right here and it'll send you to your doom!
CLOUD: Wait, who's Heidegger?
(DON CORNEO pushes the button at ease, smiling, only to realize that he pressed the wrong button and was ejected out of his mansion and plummeting toward the sea. There was a splash, followed by silence, followed by some weird bloop, revealing a drenched DON CORNEO)
DON CORNEO: I LIVE!!!!
(Jaws theme...)
JAWS: Not for long..
(Meanwhile.)
CLOUD: (flipping through his book) Oh, that's who Heidegger is. Wait, we're supposed to fall into the sewers! There's no mention of ejecting Don Corneo nor naked men!
AUTHOR: Damnit! Stop using that book! (zaps CLOUD, steal the book, and clicks the right switch. TIFA, CLOUD, and AERIS all plummet down into the sewers)
AERIS: Cloud. I hate you.
TIFA: Come on! We have to go and save Barret and the others!
CLOUD IN TEARS: My book.
(AERIS drags CLOUD as TIFA hurries to reach Sector 7)