The bed was very comfortable and Ash did not want to get out of it.
The alarm clock went off, but Ash slept through it. Sunlight poured in
through the bedroom windows and the birds began to sing. Ash slept through
it. Linda sat up and stretched. She leaned over and whispered a friendly
"Wake up sleepyhead" into his ear. Ash woke up and kissed his wife the
same way he had kissed her after Rev. Duncan had declared them wed.
"Ewwwwwwwww, gross!" said a little 8 year old boy at the bedroom door.
"Then knock first before you open up Scott", Ash replied to his son. Linda chuckled. Young Scott was nothing like his namesake, Ash's old friend Scotty, and if Linda had her way, Scott would grow up to be a perfect gentleman like his father.
"C'mon and lets get some breakfast", Scott said in his best whiny voice. "I could really go for some cereal and DADDY'S SOUL!"
-ME TOO!- Linda chimed in. But Linda was no longer Linda, and neither was the little boy a little boy. They had turned into Deadites, and the bedroom melted away to reveal a blazing hellpit that only Dante's Cantos could describe. Ash was chained to a rockface, and the two Deadites approached with meat cleavers. Ash could feel the blades cut into his flesh, and he could hear the two monsters cackle sadistically as the blood spilled. He tried to scream, but no sound came from him. Everything went black.
Ash awoke with a start. He almost wished that what he woke up to was just another nightmare. His body was chained to a wall with a pentogram symbol painted in blood on it. The wall was part of the upper chamber of the Ziggurat, a towerlike structure that he only half-remembered being carried into. Between his psychotic nightmares, he was half-awake for most of the two day long march. But burned into his mind was the first time he saw what his captors called The Ziggurat. It looked like a demonic church steeple that had somehow shot out of hell and sprung up like a damnable beanstalk. He was carried in through large front doors that belonged on Dracula's own castle, taken upstairs, released from his bonds, and then chained to the wall. Ash figured that they were keeping him alive for something very special, otherwise he would have joined the Deadite club by now. They were feeding and watering him, and even supplied a bedpan. This only made him more worried. He tried escape as soon as he was left alone, but his struggles only caused the chains to tighten. After a week of just hanging around, Ash got a visit from Indy's Doppelganger. The Doppelganger had replaced his clothing with the red robes of a sorcerer, but he still wore Indy's fedora hat.
-HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR ROOM?- the fedora topped fiend asked with a hint of sarcasm. -DOES IT MEET ALL OF YOUR NEEDS?-
"I was expecting something bigger. And the view is terrible, The only thing I can see is the moon in that skylight every night." Ash retorted.
The doppelganger laughed. -STILL PLAYING THE BOLD, FEARLESS HERO I SEE. HOW CHARMING. ENJOY WHAT LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE LEFT HERO, TONIGHT IS YOUR LAST NIGHT HERE!-
"Oh, you're going to release me and throw a going away party in my honour, that's great!"
-YOU ARE PARTIALLY CORRECT ABOUT going away, BUT I'M AFRAID THAT YOU WILL FIND THE PARTY DISAPPOINTING.- The sinister lookalike Jones placed his hands within his cloak and drew out two very familiar objects. The Nerconomicon and it's dagger companion. The doppelganger opened the book to the last page and held it up to Ash's face. -NOTICE ANYTHING?- It asked.
"It's blank."
-CORRECT! IT IS WRITTEN IN THIS BOOK THAT US EVIL SPIRITS ARE BOUND TO ONLY HALF-EXIST UNTIL THE FINAL PAGE IS WRITTEN. THE WORDS WRITTEN ON THIS PAGE WILL DETERMINE OUR FATE IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING, BUT THERE IS ONE LITTLE CATCH. THE FINAL PASSAGE MUST BE WRITTEN IN THE BLOOD OF THE HERO FROM THE SKIES, THAT BEING YOU BIG CHIN.-
"Gee thanks!"
-THE REASON WHY IS BECAUSE YOU ARE PROFESIEISED TO BE A MAN WHO CAN BEAT THE ODDS AND SURVIVE ANYTHING! FATE HAS NO HOLD UPON YOUR DESTINY, BUT THAT YOU CAN ALTER FATE BY MERELY BEING ALIVE. TONIGHT IN THE LIGHT OF A FULL MOON, YOU SHALL BLEED TO DEATH ON THIS DAGGER, AND I SHALL BREAK THE BOND OF THIS BOOK UPON MYSELF AND MY DEMON BRETHREN. WE SHALL WALK THE EARTH FREE TO DO OUR BIDDING ONCE AGAIN!!!-
It laughed and howled as it left the chamber, revelling in it's evil like some cheesy saturday morning cartoon villain. Ash really wanted to be loose of his chains at the moment more than ever. Just so that he could kill that forgery of his brief travelling companion, Indiana Jones.
Night arrived and the Doppelganger Jones returned with a dozen Deadites garbed in plain red robes similar to their leader's. Doppelganger Jones climbed the small staircase, stood before Ash and addressed his followers with a long and obviously well planned out speech about how they were about to prove themselves the superiors of the foul vermin called humanity and how they were going to feast and revel upon the breaking of their bond to the Necronomicon. Just as he was about to continue his rant, an alarm went off, a small Deadite entered the chamber shouting at the top of it's voice that they were under attack. Doppelganger Jones ordered his audience to assist in the Ziggurat's defences, they left and closed the doors behind them. After they had left, the fedora topped fiend barricaded the doors. Nothing was going to interfere with the ceremony. Not a thing. It extinguished the torches so that only the light of the full moon would be present and upon the chosen sacrifice. It then opened the Necronomicon to the last page and placed it upon a pedestal. The doppelganger picked up the dagger and advanced towards Ash. The full moon's ambience was on Ash like a spotlight and it glinted upon the dagger's blade as it was raised and ready to strike his heart.
-CONSIDER YOURSELF FORTUNATE, YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO WITNESS THE SLAUGHTER OF YOUR FELLOW CREATURES.-
Before Ash could speak a snappy comeback, the light of the moon was suddenly turned off and the skylight was smashed open. A single figure dropped into the chamber, landed on it's feet and unhooked a whip from it's belt. Indiana Jones had come to reclaim his hat. Quick as lightning the whip was suddenly wrapped around the duplicate Jones' feet, and he was being pulled across the floor towards the newcomer. The captured threw the dagger at Indy. He dodged and released the whip with the flick of the wrist. Doppelganger Jones got to his feet and lunged at Indy like a fighting mad madman, forcing Indy to drop his whip. They were locked in combat like wrestlers, neither willing to be defeated. Indy managed to break his evil clone's grip and deliver a few punches. Doppelganger Jones was unfazed, by the attack and chuckled.
-FOOL! I AM INCAPABLE OF FEELING PAIN!- As if to drive this fact home, he sent Indy flying across the room with a kick that would have strained a normal man. Indy hit the wall and slid down to the floor unconscious. His assailant approached. -OH DEAR, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE IN NO CONDITION TO CONTINUE TSK TSK. I WILL JUST HAVE TO SNAP YOUR NECK AND GET ON WITH THE CEREMONY. YOU SHALL SLEEP IN HELL TONIGHT JUNIOR!-
"NEVER call me JUNIOR!" Indy lept to his feet brandishing the ceremonial dagger. He decapitated his double with one swift stroke, stabbed the headless corpse repeatedly, and just for the fun of it, cut off the arms and feet. Doppelganger Jones' remains twitched and bled, while the bodiless head shouted curses and certain four letter words.
-NO FAIR! YOU WERE PLAYING POSSUM YOU PRICK!- The head shouted between curses. Indy walked up and plucked his fedora off of it.
"Oh dear, it appears your going on a little trip."
-HUH?-
Indiana Jones used his best soccer kick and sent the head zooming into the nearest wall. A scream and a wet crunch followed. He released Ash.
"Sorry I was a little late, it took me awhile to find some bounty hunters who would be interested in making the biggest Deadite kill in recent history. Judging from the sound coming from downstairs, nobody has won yet. Let's get out of here. I don't really care who wins." He was about to attach the whip to the skylight when Ash grabbed him by the arm with his good hand.
"Hold on, I've got an idea."
A squad of skeletal Deadites climbed the stairs to the upper chamber. The Master was long overdue in performing the ceremony and they were barely holding off the invaders on the lower floors. They came to the chamber doors, and knocked. No response. The squad leader discovered the door was unlocked. They entered and gaped in surprise at the sight of the Master's body chopped up and in little pieces, and that a nasty looking human was holding up the Necronomicon to the human that had been selected for sacrifice.
"It looks like you've got an audience Ash. Why don't you read them a story." Indy said. Ash cleared his throat and began to read the freshly written last page of the Necronomicon.
"The Deadites failed to break the power of the Necronomicon and ceased to exist. Ashley Williams and Henry Jones Jr. were returned to their respective places in time and space and lived happily ever after to the rest of their days. THE END"
The skeleton Deadites screamed in rage and charged at the two young men. They disintegrated. Suddenly, Ash and Indy could not tell up from down and right from left. everything became a flash of colours, stars, smoke, then nothing.
***
It was sunset and Sulla waited at his tent. After Dr. Getly and his assistant had disappeared in the ruins a great sandstorm had blown in, buried the ruins, and killed most of the diggers. All of the survivors had left, except Sulla. For some reason he could not explain, he knew that he had to wait. He had been waiting for two days and knew that he could not wait any longer. His supplies would not last. Nor could his hope of ever again seeing his friend Indiana Jones. Sulla was about to sit down to dinner when a familiar shadow appeared at his feet.
"I sure hope you have enough for two, I'm starved."
Sulla leaped to his feet and embraced Indy. Indy was glad to be back, and that he had managed to put the book and dagger in a deeper chamber of the ruins before the sandstorm had nearly buried him with it.
***
The first thing Ash noticed after the trippy experience was that he was standing in a field somewhere that reminded him of Iowa. He then heard the sound of horsehooves and rifles. He ran in the direction of the noise and came upon a group of people dressed up like cavemen being herded by strange folk mounted on horses and dressed in armour. He ran up to the closest mounted figure and tapped it's back.
"Excuse me Chief, I'm a little lost. Can you tell me where I am?" The figure turned in the saddle quickly. A large chimpanzee glared at Ash and shouted "GET YOUR FILTHY HAND OFF OF ME YOU DIRTY HUMAN!!!" Ash fell to his knees and screamed a loud: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Wake up and get off the display!" Ash woke up with a start and realized he was in S-MART with an annoyed sales rep looking at him. He was glad to be home.
EPILOGUE
1977. Professor Knowby was in his study looking over essays and marking them. The door opened suddenly and Edward Getly, his assistant rushed in excitedly screaming at the top of his lungs "I've DONE it Professor! I've decoded my great uncle's shorthand notes, they have detailed information on how to locate Candar!" The professor and his assistant jumped for joy. They were going to lead an expedition and succeed where Dr. Ernest Getly and the legendary Indiana Jones had failed.
"Ewwwwwwwww, gross!" said a little 8 year old boy at the bedroom door.
"Then knock first before you open up Scott", Ash replied to his son. Linda chuckled. Young Scott was nothing like his namesake, Ash's old friend Scotty, and if Linda had her way, Scott would grow up to be a perfect gentleman like his father.
"C'mon and lets get some breakfast", Scott said in his best whiny voice. "I could really go for some cereal and DADDY'S SOUL!"
-ME TOO!- Linda chimed in. But Linda was no longer Linda, and neither was the little boy a little boy. They had turned into Deadites, and the bedroom melted away to reveal a blazing hellpit that only Dante's Cantos could describe. Ash was chained to a rockface, and the two Deadites approached with meat cleavers. Ash could feel the blades cut into his flesh, and he could hear the two monsters cackle sadistically as the blood spilled. He tried to scream, but no sound came from him. Everything went black.
Ash awoke with a start. He almost wished that what he woke up to was just another nightmare. His body was chained to a wall with a pentogram symbol painted in blood on it. The wall was part of the upper chamber of the Ziggurat, a towerlike structure that he only half-remembered being carried into. Between his psychotic nightmares, he was half-awake for most of the two day long march. But burned into his mind was the first time he saw what his captors called The Ziggurat. It looked like a demonic church steeple that had somehow shot out of hell and sprung up like a damnable beanstalk. He was carried in through large front doors that belonged on Dracula's own castle, taken upstairs, released from his bonds, and then chained to the wall. Ash figured that they were keeping him alive for something very special, otherwise he would have joined the Deadite club by now. They were feeding and watering him, and even supplied a bedpan. This only made him more worried. He tried escape as soon as he was left alone, but his struggles only caused the chains to tighten. After a week of just hanging around, Ash got a visit from Indy's Doppelganger. The Doppelganger had replaced his clothing with the red robes of a sorcerer, but he still wore Indy's fedora hat.
-HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR ROOM?- the fedora topped fiend asked with a hint of sarcasm. -DOES IT MEET ALL OF YOUR NEEDS?-
"I was expecting something bigger. And the view is terrible, The only thing I can see is the moon in that skylight every night." Ash retorted.
The doppelganger laughed. -STILL PLAYING THE BOLD, FEARLESS HERO I SEE. HOW CHARMING. ENJOY WHAT LITTLE TIME YOU HAVE LEFT HERO, TONIGHT IS YOUR LAST NIGHT HERE!-
"Oh, you're going to release me and throw a going away party in my honour, that's great!"
-YOU ARE PARTIALLY CORRECT ABOUT going away, BUT I'M AFRAID THAT YOU WILL FIND THE PARTY DISAPPOINTING.- The sinister lookalike Jones placed his hands within his cloak and drew out two very familiar objects. The Nerconomicon and it's dagger companion. The doppelganger opened the book to the last page and held it up to Ash's face. -NOTICE ANYTHING?- It asked.
"It's blank."
-CORRECT! IT IS WRITTEN IN THIS BOOK THAT US EVIL SPIRITS ARE BOUND TO ONLY HALF-EXIST UNTIL THE FINAL PAGE IS WRITTEN. THE WORDS WRITTEN ON THIS PAGE WILL DETERMINE OUR FATE IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING, BUT THERE IS ONE LITTLE CATCH. THE FINAL PASSAGE MUST BE WRITTEN IN THE BLOOD OF THE HERO FROM THE SKIES, THAT BEING YOU BIG CHIN.-
"Gee thanks!"
-THE REASON WHY IS BECAUSE YOU ARE PROFESIEISED TO BE A MAN WHO CAN BEAT THE ODDS AND SURVIVE ANYTHING! FATE HAS NO HOLD UPON YOUR DESTINY, BUT THAT YOU CAN ALTER FATE BY MERELY BEING ALIVE. TONIGHT IN THE LIGHT OF A FULL MOON, YOU SHALL BLEED TO DEATH ON THIS DAGGER, AND I SHALL BREAK THE BOND OF THIS BOOK UPON MYSELF AND MY DEMON BRETHREN. WE SHALL WALK THE EARTH FREE TO DO OUR BIDDING ONCE AGAIN!!!-
It laughed and howled as it left the chamber, revelling in it's evil like some cheesy saturday morning cartoon villain. Ash really wanted to be loose of his chains at the moment more than ever. Just so that he could kill that forgery of his brief travelling companion, Indiana Jones.
Night arrived and the Doppelganger Jones returned with a dozen Deadites garbed in plain red robes similar to their leader's. Doppelganger Jones climbed the small staircase, stood before Ash and addressed his followers with a long and obviously well planned out speech about how they were about to prove themselves the superiors of the foul vermin called humanity and how they were going to feast and revel upon the breaking of their bond to the Necronomicon. Just as he was about to continue his rant, an alarm went off, a small Deadite entered the chamber shouting at the top of it's voice that they were under attack. Doppelganger Jones ordered his audience to assist in the Ziggurat's defences, they left and closed the doors behind them. After they had left, the fedora topped fiend barricaded the doors. Nothing was going to interfere with the ceremony. Not a thing. It extinguished the torches so that only the light of the full moon would be present and upon the chosen sacrifice. It then opened the Necronomicon to the last page and placed it upon a pedestal. The doppelganger picked up the dagger and advanced towards Ash. The full moon's ambience was on Ash like a spotlight and it glinted upon the dagger's blade as it was raised and ready to strike his heart.
-CONSIDER YOURSELF FORTUNATE, YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO WITNESS THE SLAUGHTER OF YOUR FELLOW CREATURES.-
Before Ash could speak a snappy comeback, the light of the moon was suddenly turned off and the skylight was smashed open. A single figure dropped into the chamber, landed on it's feet and unhooked a whip from it's belt. Indiana Jones had come to reclaim his hat. Quick as lightning the whip was suddenly wrapped around the duplicate Jones' feet, and he was being pulled across the floor towards the newcomer. The captured threw the dagger at Indy. He dodged and released the whip with the flick of the wrist. Doppelganger Jones got to his feet and lunged at Indy like a fighting mad madman, forcing Indy to drop his whip. They were locked in combat like wrestlers, neither willing to be defeated. Indy managed to break his evil clone's grip and deliver a few punches. Doppelganger Jones was unfazed, by the attack and chuckled.
-FOOL! I AM INCAPABLE OF FEELING PAIN!- As if to drive this fact home, he sent Indy flying across the room with a kick that would have strained a normal man. Indy hit the wall and slid down to the floor unconscious. His assailant approached. -OH DEAR, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE IN NO CONDITION TO CONTINUE TSK TSK. I WILL JUST HAVE TO SNAP YOUR NECK AND GET ON WITH THE CEREMONY. YOU SHALL SLEEP IN HELL TONIGHT JUNIOR!-
"NEVER call me JUNIOR!" Indy lept to his feet brandishing the ceremonial dagger. He decapitated his double with one swift stroke, stabbed the headless corpse repeatedly, and just for the fun of it, cut off the arms and feet. Doppelganger Jones' remains twitched and bled, while the bodiless head shouted curses and certain four letter words.
-NO FAIR! YOU WERE PLAYING POSSUM YOU PRICK!- The head shouted between curses. Indy walked up and plucked his fedora off of it.
"Oh dear, it appears your going on a little trip."
-HUH?-
Indiana Jones used his best soccer kick and sent the head zooming into the nearest wall. A scream and a wet crunch followed. He released Ash.
"Sorry I was a little late, it took me awhile to find some bounty hunters who would be interested in making the biggest Deadite kill in recent history. Judging from the sound coming from downstairs, nobody has won yet. Let's get out of here. I don't really care who wins." He was about to attach the whip to the skylight when Ash grabbed him by the arm with his good hand.
"Hold on, I've got an idea."
A squad of skeletal Deadites climbed the stairs to the upper chamber. The Master was long overdue in performing the ceremony and they were barely holding off the invaders on the lower floors. They came to the chamber doors, and knocked. No response. The squad leader discovered the door was unlocked. They entered and gaped in surprise at the sight of the Master's body chopped up and in little pieces, and that a nasty looking human was holding up the Necronomicon to the human that had been selected for sacrifice.
"It looks like you've got an audience Ash. Why don't you read them a story." Indy said. Ash cleared his throat and began to read the freshly written last page of the Necronomicon.
"The Deadites failed to break the power of the Necronomicon and ceased to exist. Ashley Williams and Henry Jones Jr. were returned to their respective places in time and space and lived happily ever after to the rest of their days. THE END"
The skeleton Deadites screamed in rage and charged at the two young men. They disintegrated. Suddenly, Ash and Indy could not tell up from down and right from left. everything became a flash of colours, stars, smoke, then nothing.
***
It was sunset and Sulla waited at his tent. After Dr. Getly and his assistant had disappeared in the ruins a great sandstorm had blown in, buried the ruins, and killed most of the diggers. All of the survivors had left, except Sulla. For some reason he could not explain, he knew that he had to wait. He had been waiting for two days and knew that he could not wait any longer. His supplies would not last. Nor could his hope of ever again seeing his friend Indiana Jones. Sulla was about to sit down to dinner when a familiar shadow appeared at his feet.
"I sure hope you have enough for two, I'm starved."
Sulla leaped to his feet and embraced Indy. Indy was glad to be back, and that he had managed to put the book and dagger in a deeper chamber of the ruins before the sandstorm had nearly buried him with it.
***
The first thing Ash noticed after the trippy experience was that he was standing in a field somewhere that reminded him of Iowa. He then heard the sound of horsehooves and rifles. He ran in the direction of the noise and came upon a group of people dressed up like cavemen being herded by strange folk mounted on horses and dressed in armour. He ran up to the closest mounted figure and tapped it's back.
"Excuse me Chief, I'm a little lost. Can you tell me where I am?" The figure turned in the saddle quickly. A large chimpanzee glared at Ash and shouted "GET YOUR FILTHY HAND OFF OF ME YOU DIRTY HUMAN!!!" Ash fell to his knees and screamed a loud: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Wake up and get off the display!" Ash woke up with a start and realized he was in S-MART with an annoyed sales rep looking at him. He was glad to be home.
EPILOGUE
1977. Professor Knowby was in his study looking over essays and marking them. The door opened suddenly and Edward Getly, his assistant rushed in excitedly screaming at the top of his lungs "I've DONE it Professor! I've decoded my great uncle's shorthand notes, they have detailed information on how to locate Candar!" The professor and his assistant jumped for joy. They were going to lead an expedition and succeed where Dr. Ernest Getly and the legendary Indiana Jones had failed.