Great big shout out again, check out Golden Slumber. it's on my site while
not actually being mine, I'm sorta sponsoring it you might say. It's
insane and very depressing but also one of the best (if not THE best)
fanfics I have ever read. Yup, she's a goddess alright.
Thanks to all my reviewers, you keep me going. Thanks to one in particular who is, how to put this, perhaps TOO obsessed with getting me to update. Well this is for you.
Chapter 4 - There is no new pain
Elladan ran. He had no purpose or direction to his search and now he just ran. The night was closing in around him, added to his newly found depression which for all his efforts, was becoming harder and harder to hold off. He simply refused to give up, as long as he continued to look for his younger brother, then Estel still had a chance of being found. Elladan could think of nothing else. There were truths whispered to him by the night air that he could not face. The second he surrendered to that terrible grief, the instant that he accepted that Estel was not out here to be rescued, was the moment that he failed. He could never let that happen.
So he ran, ran blindly through the woods, heading now unconsciously to the place where this nightmare had begun. The Cliffside loomed before him, black against deep blue. It stood out sharply cut, almost painfully separated from the sky. It was a terrible sight for the son of Elrond to behold. This place held for him a memory that he didn't have in him to relive. Yet here he was, driven here for some buried reason that even he could not fully understand. He knelt on the spot where they had all seen Estel make his final decision, his final refusal to be used against the only family he had ever known. The emotions hit him fast and swept through him like a hurricane. He pressed his hands to the ground, trying with everything in him to hold back the sobs that threatened to overtake him. On his hands and knees now, silhouetted against the starry sky, he finally remembered. A shocking thought, a far distant memory of a time long ago when he had last felt this helpless and this guilty. His mother.
Oh no, he fought against himself but to no avail. It all raced back flooding through him like a great river breaking his will. He saw her beautiful face once calm, lovely now contorted with pain, with fear. Those alien expressions now printed for all time on his beloved mother's face. No, no, no, no. Her anguish burned inside his heart as he watched her struggle to understand what had happened to her. He could still see her inability to face this new horrible truth, her reaction of fear to Elladan's own terror.
They had arrived too late. That single fact repeated in Elladan until he thought it would drive him mad. They had arrived too late because of him. For Elladan all those long years ago had fallen to despair. He had given up. He remembered his mournful words to his twin, how he had told Elrohir that they would not find her. He had spoken of the hopelessness of their quest to rescue her. He had delayed them. This was not a realization to him. He had lived with this guilt every day it was just only now as he felt the same levels of dread and fear that the thoughts had resurfaced. Why was this happening again?
"And why am I so completely unable to prevent it?" As he spoke only to himself, no answer was forthcoming. The blatant frustration rose in him and he smashed his hands into the cool rock. Harder and harder he hit the ground, adding his voice now to the rhythmic pounded as his fury grew. He started to scream, to roar, to cry, anything but give in to the crushing guilt and failure that swam just outside of his vision. His voice gave out suddenly, cracking under the pressure forced upon it. He froze in place. Kneeling on the rock face, his slick blood pooling beneath him dripping from his battered hands.
The raging emotions drained from his body to be replaced by a deathly calm. Grim determination set in and he regained his feet. Banishing all thoughts and clearing out his mind, Elladan stepped forward slowly. He studied the forest and set a path before him. He began to run. The trees seemed to bend to his will as he past. They were silent, the only testament to his hidden grief. Elladan ran on, pledging to himself that night to never give up. He would not let Estel go, he would not fail him like he had failed his mother.
*******************************************
Elrohir wasn't sure he could move now even if he tried. He was watching the tiny figure below moving towards Rivendell with an unsteady gate. The fear that had clenched his heart was now slowly being replaced with a burning hope, hope that that was the name of the person making his way back home. It was impossible, thought Elrohir, just my mind playing tricks on me. Cruel and twisted tricks like the orcs had played. his mind quickly shut down that avenue of thought. Never again would he think on that horrible day. Yesterday only, yet it felt a million years away. Instead he refocused all his energy on willing Estel to actually BE Estel. The figure rounded the last bend and came into full view. He paused at the entrance way to the glowing city and Elrohir leapt straight up in the air, joy and intense relief giving him strength he did not have. He turned quickly racing for the door.
He made it two steps before the white, hot agony hit him in blinding sheets. He let out a strangled scream of pure anguish and hit the floor hard. His body began to shake as the convulsions tore through him rending his skin from his poorly healed back as he thrashed on the cool stone. His arm twisted at an impossible angle and Elrohir felt that he could take no more pain or he would surely die of it. He curled into a tight ball, trying to breath through the worse of it. Trying to will it away as he had done before. His jaw was sealed tightly and his teeth chattered with each shock. And when Elrohir was starting to think it would never end, he felt soft hands rest on his shoulder and the shutters began to slowly subside. His arm burned with an unnatural fire, a throbbing warning that all was not as it should be with his body but he was regaining control. Slowly he opened his now blood shot eyes and beheld a greater sight then any he could have dreamt of. Estel's worry creased face stared back.
Elrohir smiled broadly ignoring the pain of his back and arm, forcing himself to sit. "Estel" he voiced the name like a prayer. "You live, sweet Valar, you live."
Estel smiled back. Pain and joy fought for ground in his eyes, mirroring his brother's expression. Worry crept back into his face. "You didn't tell them?"
Elrohir struggled to his feet and with Estel's assistance, staggered to his bed. It was then that he noticed Estel's state of being. "Your soaking wet and freezing cold to the touch!" The alarm on Elrohir's face would have been comical had the situation not been what it was.
Estel sighed. "I'm fine. The water broke my-" He stopped short when Elrohir began to shake again, a new set of convulsions setting in. "You are not well. If you will not tell father than I will." Estel stood but froze when Elrohir grabbed his arm with surprising strength.
"You will do no such thing." His eyes were cold and dark, void of emotion. Empty.
Estel felt his heart beating fiercely as if trying to escape from his chest. "I must, I must help you, Elrohir. Father can-"
"NO!" The hatred in Elrohir's voice was shocking to hear. "You will not tell him."
Estel sat down on the bed and held his brother's shoulders down at the violent shutters hit him again. The bed rattled in its place and Elrohir shut his eyes in terrible pain. Estel made one last plea, "please, why wouldn't you let me tell father?"
Through clenched teeth Elrohir forced out his reply. "He is not my father and I don't want him to touch me ever again." The tremors overtook him then and he bit back a cry of pain.
Estel sat, holding on to his shoulders trying to help and not knowing what he was doing. Tears fell from his eyes, splashing upon his arms. He watched over his brother in all but blood and recognized with sudden clarity;
I should not have come back.
Thanks to all my reviewers, you keep me going. Thanks to one in particular who is, how to put this, perhaps TOO obsessed with getting me to update. Well this is for you.
Chapter 4 - There is no new pain
Elladan ran. He had no purpose or direction to his search and now he just ran. The night was closing in around him, added to his newly found depression which for all his efforts, was becoming harder and harder to hold off. He simply refused to give up, as long as he continued to look for his younger brother, then Estel still had a chance of being found. Elladan could think of nothing else. There were truths whispered to him by the night air that he could not face. The second he surrendered to that terrible grief, the instant that he accepted that Estel was not out here to be rescued, was the moment that he failed. He could never let that happen.
So he ran, ran blindly through the woods, heading now unconsciously to the place where this nightmare had begun. The Cliffside loomed before him, black against deep blue. It stood out sharply cut, almost painfully separated from the sky. It was a terrible sight for the son of Elrond to behold. This place held for him a memory that he didn't have in him to relive. Yet here he was, driven here for some buried reason that even he could not fully understand. He knelt on the spot where they had all seen Estel make his final decision, his final refusal to be used against the only family he had ever known. The emotions hit him fast and swept through him like a hurricane. He pressed his hands to the ground, trying with everything in him to hold back the sobs that threatened to overtake him. On his hands and knees now, silhouetted against the starry sky, he finally remembered. A shocking thought, a far distant memory of a time long ago when he had last felt this helpless and this guilty. His mother.
Oh no, he fought against himself but to no avail. It all raced back flooding through him like a great river breaking his will. He saw her beautiful face once calm, lovely now contorted with pain, with fear. Those alien expressions now printed for all time on his beloved mother's face. No, no, no, no. Her anguish burned inside his heart as he watched her struggle to understand what had happened to her. He could still see her inability to face this new horrible truth, her reaction of fear to Elladan's own terror.
They had arrived too late. That single fact repeated in Elladan until he thought it would drive him mad. They had arrived too late because of him. For Elladan all those long years ago had fallen to despair. He had given up. He remembered his mournful words to his twin, how he had told Elrohir that they would not find her. He had spoken of the hopelessness of their quest to rescue her. He had delayed them. This was not a realization to him. He had lived with this guilt every day it was just only now as he felt the same levels of dread and fear that the thoughts had resurfaced. Why was this happening again?
"And why am I so completely unable to prevent it?" As he spoke only to himself, no answer was forthcoming. The blatant frustration rose in him and he smashed his hands into the cool rock. Harder and harder he hit the ground, adding his voice now to the rhythmic pounded as his fury grew. He started to scream, to roar, to cry, anything but give in to the crushing guilt and failure that swam just outside of his vision. His voice gave out suddenly, cracking under the pressure forced upon it. He froze in place. Kneeling on the rock face, his slick blood pooling beneath him dripping from his battered hands.
The raging emotions drained from his body to be replaced by a deathly calm. Grim determination set in and he regained his feet. Banishing all thoughts and clearing out his mind, Elladan stepped forward slowly. He studied the forest and set a path before him. He began to run. The trees seemed to bend to his will as he past. They were silent, the only testament to his hidden grief. Elladan ran on, pledging to himself that night to never give up. He would not let Estel go, he would not fail him like he had failed his mother.
*******************************************
Elrohir wasn't sure he could move now even if he tried. He was watching the tiny figure below moving towards Rivendell with an unsteady gate. The fear that had clenched his heart was now slowly being replaced with a burning hope, hope that that was the name of the person making his way back home. It was impossible, thought Elrohir, just my mind playing tricks on me. Cruel and twisted tricks like the orcs had played. his mind quickly shut down that avenue of thought. Never again would he think on that horrible day. Yesterday only, yet it felt a million years away. Instead he refocused all his energy on willing Estel to actually BE Estel. The figure rounded the last bend and came into full view. He paused at the entrance way to the glowing city and Elrohir leapt straight up in the air, joy and intense relief giving him strength he did not have. He turned quickly racing for the door.
He made it two steps before the white, hot agony hit him in blinding sheets. He let out a strangled scream of pure anguish and hit the floor hard. His body began to shake as the convulsions tore through him rending his skin from his poorly healed back as he thrashed on the cool stone. His arm twisted at an impossible angle and Elrohir felt that he could take no more pain or he would surely die of it. He curled into a tight ball, trying to breath through the worse of it. Trying to will it away as he had done before. His jaw was sealed tightly and his teeth chattered with each shock. And when Elrohir was starting to think it would never end, he felt soft hands rest on his shoulder and the shutters began to slowly subside. His arm burned with an unnatural fire, a throbbing warning that all was not as it should be with his body but he was regaining control. Slowly he opened his now blood shot eyes and beheld a greater sight then any he could have dreamt of. Estel's worry creased face stared back.
Elrohir smiled broadly ignoring the pain of his back and arm, forcing himself to sit. "Estel" he voiced the name like a prayer. "You live, sweet Valar, you live."
Estel smiled back. Pain and joy fought for ground in his eyes, mirroring his brother's expression. Worry crept back into his face. "You didn't tell them?"
Elrohir struggled to his feet and with Estel's assistance, staggered to his bed. It was then that he noticed Estel's state of being. "Your soaking wet and freezing cold to the touch!" The alarm on Elrohir's face would have been comical had the situation not been what it was.
Estel sighed. "I'm fine. The water broke my-" He stopped short when Elrohir began to shake again, a new set of convulsions setting in. "You are not well. If you will not tell father than I will." Estel stood but froze when Elrohir grabbed his arm with surprising strength.
"You will do no such thing." His eyes were cold and dark, void of emotion. Empty.
Estel felt his heart beating fiercely as if trying to escape from his chest. "I must, I must help you, Elrohir. Father can-"
"NO!" The hatred in Elrohir's voice was shocking to hear. "You will not tell him."
Estel sat down on the bed and held his brother's shoulders down at the violent shutters hit him again. The bed rattled in its place and Elrohir shut his eyes in terrible pain. Estel made one last plea, "please, why wouldn't you let me tell father?"
Through clenched teeth Elrohir forced out his reply. "He is not my father and I don't want him to touch me ever again." The tremors overtook him then and he bit back a cry of pain.
Estel sat, holding on to his shoulders trying to help and not knowing what he was doing. Tears fell from his eyes, splashing upon his arms. He watched over his brother in all but blood and recognized with sudden clarity;
I should not have come back.