This is both the second to last chapter in this story and one of the most
difficult things I've ever written. Parts of this story are inspired by my
own personal muse, beta and otorno, Cowgoddess, you rock. Thank you all
who review, once again, it is for you that I write.
Estelless
Chapter 6 - Full Circle
They had all decided to go to breakfast. Estel had woken Elrohir and helped him to the table. Estel had noticed with a slight twitch of nervousness that Elladan had given Elrohir a questioning look. Elrohir had simply shaken his head. Not now, not here. Elrond studied the empty table in front of him, waiting with uneasy patience for the servants to bring them their food.
They ate slowly, in silence. None of them knew what to say and no one wanted to be the first to speak so they simply continued the routine they had known. Every so often Elladan would throw Elrohir a quick glance only to have his twin again refuse to answer. Elladan would then just returned to his own plate and his own thoughts.
Finally it was Elrond who dared to break the silence. "It's good to have you back at this table, Estel."
Estel had tried to smile, really he had. He was frantically trying to think of something to say and later he would think back and wish he had spoken quicker. For while Estel was fumbling for a response, Elrohir murmured under his breathe, "no thanks to you."
Elladan looked up sharply, as if not fully believing what he had just heard. Elrond froze in place. "Elrohir. What did you just say?"
Now given a change to speak. Now asked directly Elrohir felt the pain, the terror of that day fly back to him, lending him wings to his rage and gifting him with power and strength. It was in this fury that he spoke, wrath guiding his words. "You dare speak of it here? You sit there, eating breakfast as if you hadn't done it. As if you hadn't let Estel die yesterday! You think I can forget? You DARE THINK I WOULD PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" Elrohir flew to his feet, shaking, frothing with raw hatred. "You don't deserve to be here! You don't deserve to SPEAK HIS NAME!"
The room was still. The sunlight glittering as fire in Elrohir's eyes as he trembled and suddenly the convulsions overtook him again. He hit the table with a loud, violent crack. He clenched his jaw closed and gripped Elladan's arm who had flung himself across the room to try to aid his brother. Elrond was also at his side in an instant looking to his elder son for an explanation. Elladan shook his head frenetically, fear flashing in his eyes. Elrond's practiced hands searched Elrohir's body for signs of his ailment. He paused on his back when his son let out a hiss of pain. Alarmed, Elrond gently pealed back Elrohir's shirt to see beneath it livid red welts, newly ripped open and bleeding freely. Elrond continued his soft probing and again paused this time at his son's twisted arm. Elrond swallowed hard. "Estel?"
In a quiet voice, he answered. "I'm here. I'm right behind you. Is Elrohir going to be-"
"Did you know about this? Did you know what they did to him?" Elrond's voice was tinted with worry and even worse, recrimination. "Estel? Why didn't you tell us?"
Estel felt a shutter go through him, something beyond fear, beyond guilt. It was truth. Perfect, total truth. And suddenly, there was nothing he could say. He had no reason, no excuse. He stood there, watching his father, his brothers in their pain, knowing with absolute certainty that it was his fault.
Elrohir rocked the whole table with his agonized seizures. His body cutting the beams of sunlight into thousands of fractures, tearing away Estel's emotions one by one. Grief, fear, hope, love, anger, all his once valued and meaningful expressions of his inner being, lost now, violently shredded by his own act of treachery.
They had tried at a new start. The idea was to meet the new day together as a family. To try to put the deeds of yesterday behind them all and to remember what it was to enjoy each other's company. But that was before. Before Elrond's betrayal. Before Elrohir's hate. Before Elladan's guilt. Before Estel's own growing insanity.
The sunlight was flooding Estel's eyes. It bounced off the table, directly into his line of sight. His plate shimmered with it, like the stars on a clear night. The refracted light came crashing through him and pierced a line straight to the back of his head. It hurt so much that Estel could barely move with the agony of it. With a massive effort he turned his neck, angling his head away from the burning line and felt relief the second his eyes entered the shadows.
It was then that the real despair hit him. Not the quiet sadness he felt before or the fear of watching his brother suffer, this was different. This was heavy, it filled his stomach and weighed him down. The sunlight was painful. His family was in ruins. And it was all because he had survived the night. It was because he had come back to a home that neither needed nor wanted him and now he was witness to that destruction. His brothers were screaming because he was here. His father was crying because he was here.
Estel turned slowly, all his abilities to feel gone now with that realization. In their place, Estel felt a deep void. His back now to his former family, he made his way out of the dinning room. He moved as if in a dream, a nightmare where even the air is hard to push against when trying to walk. To his left now were stairs, leading up to the towers overlooking the great courtyard. The fresh, clean air floated down the stairwell and Estel allowed himself to remember what it was like to love the scent of flowers carried on the morning breeze. How wonderful that had been, back before any of this. He closed his eyes, as a cold smile tugged at his mouth. There are always answers. He began to climb the tower stairs.
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The second Elrohir had started convulsing, Elrond had moved. Elladan reached him first, but they both supported his shaking body. Elrond saw that Elladan had no answers for him so he turned to his other son, the one that had been with Elrohir when the orcs had first captured them both. Elrond fought down a surge of fear at that thought, he knew at this moment he could not allow himself that emotion. He had to focus. "Estel?"
Elrond had not expected to hear his voice pitched so low, so soft. "I'm here, I'm right behind you. Is Elrohir going to be-"
Elrond cut him off. He couldn't stand to hear the grief in his voice but he had to know. "Did you know about this? Did you know what they did to him?" He was met with silence. Elrond could no longer hold back his thoughts, they came unbidden, racing throughout him bringing despair in its wake.
'Oh please, please Estel, tell me you didn't have to carry this alone. Oh sweet Valar, why didn't you let me help you? I could have helped you both. I should have known.'
"Estel? Why didn't you tell us?"
'Why couldn't you tell me?'
Time came sprinting back to him as both Elrohir and Elladan let out joined screams of pain and blinding fear. Elrond refocused his attention on his anguished children. He gripped Elladan's shoulder, trying to pull him out of his bond with his twin. "Elladan! I need you now!"
Almost instantly, Elladan pulled himself out of his twin's touch, although the tightening of his face, was strong proof that his connection with Elrohir could never be fully severed. Each time Elrohir would clench up, his pain was echoed on his twin's face. Desperation played across Elladan's features now as Elrohir's shudders became more violent. He looked straight into his father's eyes. "Tell me what to do."
"Run to my study, Elladan. Run and gather my herbs. I must calm down your brother." Elladan took off like an arrow. Leaving his brother and father alone in the sun-filled room.
Elrond knew that Elrohir's affliction was not a cause of any orc-induced torment, at least, not directly. He was doing this to himself, his own fears and hatred was literally eating him from inside. He had seen it before in many elves he had rescued from the clutches of orc imprisonment and now he was seeing it again on the face of his own child. Taking a breath to steady himself, he put his hands on the sides of Elrohir's face. Only to have them slapped back with ferocious urgency.
"Do not touch me." Elrohir's voice was harsh and grating. His words spoken through a haze of pain.
Elrond felt the tears that were falling from his eyes begin to dry up. His self-induced calm finally snapping into place. He stepped away from the table and clasped his arms behind his back so that Elrohir would not see them shaking. He had done this before, just never with a member of his own family and never before when the cause of the ailment had been so thoroughly his fault.
"Alright. Can I ask you a question then?" Elrond's voice was low, soothing, almost rhythmical. He was trying to get Elrohir to relax. To focus on something other than his own terrible pain. When there was no answer, Elrond plunged onward, fearful to do so, terrified not to. "Will you ever love me as a father again?"
The question hung in the air between the two of them. Elrohir's shuddering lessened somewhat and he rolled over, turning away from the elder elf. His blood dripped down his back as the tears on Elrond's face had. "No."
His body grew stiller and slowly he continued to speak. "How could I? How can I live with what you've done? How could I look upon your face and not see that choice printed in your eyes? How could I ever talk with you again and not hear the knowledge that you choose me over him? How could I ever live with that?" Elrohir's voice began to rise in pitch becoming more and more hysterical. "How could I live with myself? I see you, I see the choice that I forced from you! I see your grief. I remember how you acted when I didn't and I hate you for it. I hate it! Why didn't I move? Why could I do nothing? I let him die and you tried to save us! I did nothing! Nothing! Nothing!" His words were overwhelmed now by his sobbing.
Elrond felt a great surge of relief followed tightly by panic. He hurried over to his son's huddled, miserable mass and pulled his body in close. He held him tightly in his arms, mindful of his wounds and slowly rocked him back and forth. "It wasn't your fault my son. No blame lies with you."
Elrohir, safe in his father's embrace, wept for his brothers whom he loved so dearly. He wept for himself, for his anguish. However largely he wept for the one he had hurt the most. "I'm so sorry. I'm so-"
"Stop, stop please." Elrond's tears were also falling freely as he begged his son to end his guilt. He just pulled him tighter. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
Elrohir hugged back. "I love you father."
Elrond's heart filled with a joy he had thought he would never feel again. 'Oh thank you, thank you.' He lightened his grip on his son and bore deeply into his eyes. "I have loved you from the moment you were born and I our love will endure beyond the end of time." He broke eye contact and turned his head to meet the frozen stare of Elladan who stood motionless in the doorway. "Our love will not fade. You are my sons."
Elladan seemed to break out of his paralysis at this and he too joined the embrace. Elrohir smiled up at him and for the first time since the entire nightmare had begun, Elladan smiled back.
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That heavenly breeze guided Estel up to the very top of the tower. The birds sang of the beauty and wonder that was spring but Estel could not hear their joy for he had lost his own. His heart felt as if it had stopped beating. He reached the top of the battlement and looked out over the glorious kingdom of Imladris, the only home he had ever known. The glow from the surrounding towers and the white light of the sun burned in him. Somehow the world seemed to be spinning without moving. There was a blackness here that he couldn't quite see. It was his future and it was nothingness. The void called to him, to embrace the darkness, to put an end to it all.
Estel took another step forward, balanced now on the edge of the tower. He swayed slightly at the staggering height. It was within his power. He could do this. One more step and it would be over, it would be done. Below him lay the gardens of Rivendell, clothed in flowers, a rainbow of colors. Estel closed his eyes and pictured himself inside that rainbow, unfettered by the demands and trials of this world. To know such peace would be bliss.
His eyes flew open as something roused in him. An emotion that had not yet been completely decimated cut through his heart and straight into his soul. Doubt. Was this truly the right thing to do? Was he thinking again only of himself and not of those that mattered more? What of his brothers and his father whom he loved still with a passion beyond all else? Estel shook his head as the image of his family flew back into his mind. They were in pain due to his return. That had been when it had all started, after all. This choice, his decision to jump would bring them grief, surely, but it would also give them back the joy he'd taken away. He closed his eyes, seeing more than just darkness, ready to surrender to it when his brother's screams reached his ears. He snapped his eyes open again, but as quickly as the sound had been there, it was gone again. The sounds of the day returned and Estel remembered his purpose.
Estel spread his arms slightly, letting the wind blow through him, prickling up his skin. It was a nice sensation and so he allowed himself a few last moments of simple pleasures. The young human stood there, cresting the top of the tower which overlooked the most beautiful gardens in all the lands and felt no joy in their spectacle. He was bathed in radiant, golden sunlight and no longer took comfort from its warmth. For the first time in his life, Estel only felt one thing. The desire to die.
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"What happened to your back?" Elrond's voice was steady though his face still bore his tears. Elrond and Elladan gently removed Elrohir's shirt and began the process of bandaging his wounds.
"The orcs were bored. They had a piece of metal that they had heated in the fire." Elrohir paused, trying to rid the memory from his mind. Finding that he could not, he finished simply, "they were bored, I was their amusement. It's the same with my arm."
Elladan snarled low in his throat but said nothing. Elrond frowned and caressed Elrohir's face with his hand. "I am sorry we didn't get there sooner."
Elladan froze. His hands still on his brother's wounded back. His breath shortened abruptly, almost to panicked intakes.
"Elladan?" Elrohir rolled over slightly to look his twin in the face. "What's wrong? What is it?"
"It's my fault. I knew it in the woods, but I didn't really get it until right now." Elladan's voice was quiet, like he was talking to himself.
Elrond and Elrohir exchanged confused glances. Elrohir tried again to reach his twin. "Dan, what are you talking about?"
Elladan backed away from them suddenly dropping the rolls of gauze to the floor. He crossed the entire room until his back hit the wall and there he stood, rooted to the spot, staring in horror at his family. "I tried not to. I didn't want to."
Elrond approached him slowly, hands at his sides, unassuming. "Elladan. Listen to me." He spoke with such great conviction that Elladan's head raised to meet his father's eyes. "You acted in the only way you could, as did I. We both tried our best to save-"
Elladan was done listening. "I got there too late! Don't you see? It was because of me that we arrived too late and it was because of me that you couldn't save her. It was because of me that she left."
Elrohir took a shocked breath at that and arose from the table to join them. "Oh sweet Valar, oh no, Elladan no."
Elrond's eyes hardened. "No Elladan. You must listen to you brother. You must listen to me now. Celebrian's departure had nothing to do with you. She loved you so much. She waits for you still." Elrond closed his eyes at the horrific memory. "And it wouldn't have mattered when you got there."
Elladan studied his father's face. Tears ran freely down his cheeks and his lips trembled from the knowledge of that terrible truth. Sudden insight struck Elladan then and after a shared look of sorrow with his twin, he pressed his forehead lightly against Elrond's. "She had decided to leave long before the orcs had taken her, hadn't she?"
Elrond shuddered slightly and nodded. "I never wanted to tell you. I thought it would break your hearts as it broke mine but the guilt you've been carrying is much worse."
"Thank you." Elrohir's voice was soft yet strong. "Thank you for telling us."
Elladan smiled sadly. "Thank you for staying."
He had told Celebrian that the twins would never know of her decision. He had sworn it to her and now he had gone back on his word, something he had never done before. He felt sure she would have allowed for it, had she seen the grief in her son as he had.
He had been there when Elrohir had pledged to see her again and watched with no surprise when Elladan refused to make the same oath. It was then that he had realized just how much his sons reminded him of his own beloved twin and it was during that moment that he had suddenly known that Elrohir and Elladan would never see their mother again. They would choose Elros' path, he was sure of it and whereas Elros' choice had filled him with dread, his son's choice filled him with pride. So while he had broken his word to his wife and Elrohir was to break his word to his mother, for some reason, it felt right.
The three elves sat in silence for a moment, basking in the grace of their love. Finally Elrond turned and guided Elrohir to a large chair. Elladan came up on the side of it and looked questioningly at his father.
Elrond sighed. "Elrohir, there is something else you should know." This was going to be hard. "Your arm has healed yet healed incorrectly. I must- " Elrond flicked his eyes to Elladan and then back to Elrohir. "I must re- break it to set it properly."
Surprisingly Elrohir looked calm. He sighed deeply then placed his broken arm up on the chair's armrest and gripped his brother's hand with his other. "It's alright. I trust you."
Elrond did not reply. With one swift motion he snapped Elrohir's arm cleanly. The sharp crack resounded throughout the hall, followed by both twin's scream of pain to resolve finally into a hushed heavy breathing. Elrond splinted the newly broken arm and wiped the sweat away from his son's brow.
"I'm sorry. It had to be done."
Elrohir didn't smile but his voice held no menace. "I know."
Elrond grimaced. That had been one of the hardest things he'd learned about being a healer. Most of the time for wounds to heal, they had to hurt. It was something he tried to spare his patients but it was something he was desperate to spare his children. Still no matter how hard he tried, in that regard he always failed.
Elladan was already helping Elrohir to his feet, a strange, new look of urgency on both their faces. Elrond waved at them to wait, he was about to lecture to them about needing rest when he finally caught sensation that they had felt. Trepidation flew through him wildly.
"Where is he?"
The twins shook their heads slightly. Elladan voiced their concern. "He could be anywhere. I don't know. Oh father, I can't believe we let him go like that. I wasn't thinking straight."
Elrohir stumbled and was pulled back onto his feet by his father. "I was so absorbed in my hatred-"
Elrond cut them off. "None of that matters now." He leaned his head to the side slightly, like he was listening to a distant voice. "This way. Elladan aid your brother. Quickly."
The three tore up the tower stairs, anxiety digging into them. All they knew was that they had to get to him as fast as they could without knowing why. The despair they had felt from Estel had suddenly fled and in it's wake, there was nothing.
Estelless
Chapter 6 - Full Circle
They had all decided to go to breakfast. Estel had woken Elrohir and helped him to the table. Estel had noticed with a slight twitch of nervousness that Elladan had given Elrohir a questioning look. Elrohir had simply shaken his head. Not now, not here. Elrond studied the empty table in front of him, waiting with uneasy patience for the servants to bring them their food.
They ate slowly, in silence. None of them knew what to say and no one wanted to be the first to speak so they simply continued the routine they had known. Every so often Elladan would throw Elrohir a quick glance only to have his twin again refuse to answer. Elladan would then just returned to his own plate and his own thoughts.
Finally it was Elrond who dared to break the silence. "It's good to have you back at this table, Estel."
Estel had tried to smile, really he had. He was frantically trying to think of something to say and later he would think back and wish he had spoken quicker. For while Estel was fumbling for a response, Elrohir murmured under his breathe, "no thanks to you."
Elladan looked up sharply, as if not fully believing what he had just heard. Elrond froze in place. "Elrohir. What did you just say?"
Now given a change to speak. Now asked directly Elrohir felt the pain, the terror of that day fly back to him, lending him wings to his rage and gifting him with power and strength. It was in this fury that he spoke, wrath guiding his words. "You dare speak of it here? You sit there, eating breakfast as if you hadn't done it. As if you hadn't let Estel die yesterday! You think I can forget? You DARE THINK I WOULD PRETEND IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" Elrohir flew to his feet, shaking, frothing with raw hatred. "You don't deserve to be here! You don't deserve to SPEAK HIS NAME!"
The room was still. The sunlight glittering as fire in Elrohir's eyes as he trembled and suddenly the convulsions overtook him again. He hit the table with a loud, violent crack. He clenched his jaw closed and gripped Elladan's arm who had flung himself across the room to try to aid his brother. Elrond was also at his side in an instant looking to his elder son for an explanation. Elladan shook his head frenetically, fear flashing in his eyes. Elrond's practiced hands searched Elrohir's body for signs of his ailment. He paused on his back when his son let out a hiss of pain. Alarmed, Elrond gently pealed back Elrohir's shirt to see beneath it livid red welts, newly ripped open and bleeding freely. Elrond continued his soft probing and again paused this time at his son's twisted arm. Elrond swallowed hard. "Estel?"
In a quiet voice, he answered. "I'm here. I'm right behind you. Is Elrohir going to be-"
"Did you know about this? Did you know what they did to him?" Elrond's voice was tinted with worry and even worse, recrimination. "Estel? Why didn't you tell us?"
Estel felt a shutter go through him, something beyond fear, beyond guilt. It was truth. Perfect, total truth. And suddenly, there was nothing he could say. He had no reason, no excuse. He stood there, watching his father, his brothers in their pain, knowing with absolute certainty that it was his fault.
Elrohir rocked the whole table with his agonized seizures. His body cutting the beams of sunlight into thousands of fractures, tearing away Estel's emotions one by one. Grief, fear, hope, love, anger, all his once valued and meaningful expressions of his inner being, lost now, violently shredded by his own act of treachery.
They had tried at a new start. The idea was to meet the new day together as a family. To try to put the deeds of yesterday behind them all and to remember what it was to enjoy each other's company. But that was before. Before Elrond's betrayal. Before Elrohir's hate. Before Elladan's guilt. Before Estel's own growing insanity.
The sunlight was flooding Estel's eyes. It bounced off the table, directly into his line of sight. His plate shimmered with it, like the stars on a clear night. The refracted light came crashing through him and pierced a line straight to the back of his head. It hurt so much that Estel could barely move with the agony of it. With a massive effort he turned his neck, angling his head away from the burning line and felt relief the second his eyes entered the shadows.
It was then that the real despair hit him. Not the quiet sadness he felt before or the fear of watching his brother suffer, this was different. This was heavy, it filled his stomach and weighed him down. The sunlight was painful. His family was in ruins. And it was all because he had survived the night. It was because he had come back to a home that neither needed nor wanted him and now he was witness to that destruction. His brothers were screaming because he was here. His father was crying because he was here.
Estel turned slowly, all his abilities to feel gone now with that realization. In their place, Estel felt a deep void. His back now to his former family, he made his way out of the dinning room. He moved as if in a dream, a nightmare where even the air is hard to push against when trying to walk. To his left now were stairs, leading up to the towers overlooking the great courtyard. The fresh, clean air floated down the stairwell and Estel allowed himself to remember what it was like to love the scent of flowers carried on the morning breeze. How wonderful that had been, back before any of this. He closed his eyes, as a cold smile tugged at his mouth. There are always answers. He began to climb the tower stairs.
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The second Elrohir had started convulsing, Elrond had moved. Elladan reached him first, but they both supported his shaking body. Elrond saw that Elladan had no answers for him so he turned to his other son, the one that had been with Elrohir when the orcs had first captured them both. Elrond fought down a surge of fear at that thought, he knew at this moment he could not allow himself that emotion. He had to focus. "Estel?"
Elrond had not expected to hear his voice pitched so low, so soft. "I'm here, I'm right behind you. Is Elrohir going to be-"
Elrond cut him off. He couldn't stand to hear the grief in his voice but he had to know. "Did you know about this? Did you know what they did to him?" He was met with silence. Elrond could no longer hold back his thoughts, they came unbidden, racing throughout him bringing despair in its wake.
'Oh please, please Estel, tell me you didn't have to carry this alone. Oh sweet Valar, why didn't you let me help you? I could have helped you both. I should have known.'
"Estel? Why didn't you tell us?"
'Why couldn't you tell me?'
Time came sprinting back to him as both Elrohir and Elladan let out joined screams of pain and blinding fear. Elrond refocused his attention on his anguished children. He gripped Elladan's shoulder, trying to pull him out of his bond with his twin. "Elladan! I need you now!"
Almost instantly, Elladan pulled himself out of his twin's touch, although the tightening of his face, was strong proof that his connection with Elrohir could never be fully severed. Each time Elrohir would clench up, his pain was echoed on his twin's face. Desperation played across Elladan's features now as Elrohir's shudders became more violent. He looked straight into his father's eyes. "Tell me what to do."
"Run to my study, Elladan. Run and gather my herbs. I must calm down your brother." Elladan took off like an arrow. Leaving his brother and father alone in the sun-filled room.
Elrond knew that Elrohir's affliction was not a cause of any orc-induced torment, at least, not directly. He was doing this to himself, his own fears and hatred was literally eating him from inside. He had seen it before in many elves he had rescued from the clutches of orc imprisonment and now he was seeing it again on the face of his own child. Taking a breath to steady himself, he put his hands on the sides of Elrohir's face. Only to have them slapped back with ferocious urgency.
"Do not touch me." Elrohir's voice was harsh and grating. His words spoken through a haze of pain.
Elrond felt the tears that were falling from his eyes begin to dry up. His self-induced calm finally snapping into place. He stepped away from the table and clasped his arms behind his back so that Elrohir would not see them shaking. He had done this before, just never with a member of his own family and never before when the cause of the ailment had been so thoroughly his fault.
"Alright. Can I ask you a question then?" Elrond's voice was low, soothing, almost rhythmical. He was trying to get Elrohir to relax. To focus on something other than his own terrible pain. When there was no answer, Elrond plunged onward, fearful to do so, terrified not to. "Will you ever love me as a father again?"
The question hung in the air between the two of them. Elrohir's shuddering lessened somewhat and he rolled over, turning away from the elder elf. His blood dripped down his back as the tears on Elrond's face had. "No."
His body grew stiller and slowly he continued to speak. "How could I? How can I live with what you've done? How could I look upon your face and not see that choice printed in your eyes? How could I ever talk with you again and not hear the knowledge that you choose me over him? How could I ever live with that?" Elrohir's voice began to rise in pitch becoming more and more hysterical. "How could I live with myself? I see you, I see the choice that I forced from you! I see your grief. I remember how you acted when I didn't and I hate you for it. I hate it! Why didn't I move? Why could I do nothing? I let him die and you tried to save us! I did nothing! Nothing! Nothing!" His words were overwhelmed now by his sobbing.
Elrond felt a great surge of relief followed tightly by panic. He hurried over to his son's huddled, miserable mass and pulled his body in close. He held him tightly in his arms, mindful of his wounds and slowly rocked him back and forth. "It wasn't your fault my son. No blame lies with you."
Elrohir, safe in his father's embrace, wept for his brothers whom he loved so dearly. He wept for himself, for his anguish. However largely he wept for the one he had hurt the most. "I'm so sorry. I'm so-"
"Stop, stop please." Elrond's tears were also falling freely as he begged his son to end his guilt. He just pulled him tighter. "You have nothing to be sorry for."
Elrohir hugged back. "I love you father."
Elrond's heart filled with a joy he had thought he would never feel again. 'Oh thank you, thank you.' He lightened his grip on his son and bore deeply into his eyes. "I have loved you from the moment you were born and I our love will endure beyond the end of time." He broke eye contact and turned his head to meet the frozen stare of Elladan who stood motionless in the doorway. "Our love will not fade. You are my sons."
Elladan seemed to break out of his paralysis at this and he too joined the embrace. Elrohir smiled up at him and for the first time since the entire nightmare had begun, Elladan smiled back.
*************************************************
That heavenly breeze guided Estel up to the very top of the tower. The birds sang of the beauty and wonder that was spring but Estel could not hear their joy for he had lost his own. His heart felt as if it had stopped beating. He reached the top of the battlement and looked out over the glorious kingdom of Imladris, the only home he had ever known. The glow from the surrounding towers and the white light of the sun burned in him. Somehow the world seemed to be spinning without moving. There was a blackness here that he couldn't quite see. It was his future and it was nothingness. The void called to him, to embrace the darkness, to put an end to it all.
Estel took another step forward, balanced now on the edge of the tower. He swayed slightly at the staggering height. It was within his power. He could do this. One more step and it would be over, it would be done. Below him lay the gardens of Rivendell, clothed in flowers, a rainbow of colors. Estel closed his eyes and pictured himself inside that rainbow, unfettered by the demands and trials of this world. To know such peace would be bliss.
His eyes flew open as something roused in him. An emotion that had not yet been completely decimated cut through his heart and straight into his soul. Doubt. Was this truly the right thing to do? Was he thinking again only of himself and not of those that mattered more? What of his brothers and his father whom he loved still with a passion beyond all else? Estel shook his head as the image of his family flew back into his mind. They were in pain due to his return. That had been when it had all started, after all. This choice, his decision to jump would bring them grief, surely, but it would also give them back the joy he'd taken away. He closed his eyes, seeing more than just darkness, ready to surrender to it when his brother's screams reached his ears. He snapped his eyes open again, but as quickly as the sound had been there, it was gone again. The sounds of the day returned and Estel remembered his purpose.
Estel spread his arms slightly, letting the wind blow through him, prickling up his skin. It was a nice sensation and so he allowed himself a few last moments of simple pleasures. The young human stood there, cresting the top of the tower which overlooked the most beautiful gardens in all the lands and felt no joy in their spectacle. He was bathed in radiant, golden sunlight and no longer took comfort from its warmth. For the first time in his life, Estel only felt one thing. The desire to die.
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"What happened to your back?" Elrond's voice was steady though his face still bore his tears. Elrond and Elladan gently removed Elrohir's shirt and began the process of bandaging his wounds.
"The orcs were bored. They had a piece of metal that they had heated in the fire." Elrohir paused, trying to rid the memory from his mind. Finding that he could not, he finished simply, "they were bored, I was their amusement. It's the same with my arm."
Elladan snarled low in his throat but said nothing. Elrond frowned and caressed Elrohir's face with his hand. "I am sorry we didn't get there sooner."
Elladan froze. His hands still on his brother's wounded back. His breath shortened abruptly, almost to panicked intakes.
"Elladan?" Elrohir rolled over slightly to look his twin in the face. "What's wrong? What is it?"
"It's my fault. I knew it in the woods, but I didn't really get it until right now." Elladan's voice was quiet, like he was talking to himself.
Elrond and Elrohir exchanged confused glances. Elrohir tried again to reach his twin. "Dan, what are you talking about?"
Elladan backed away from them suddenly dropping the rolls of gauze to the floor. He crossed the entire room until his back hit the wall and there he stood, rooted to the spot, staring in horror at his family. "I tried not to. I didn't want to."
Elrond approached him slowly, hands at his sides, unassuming. "Elladan. Listen to me." He spoke with such great conviction that Elladan's head raised to meet his father's eyes. "You acted in the only way you could, as did I. We both tried our best to save-"
Elladan was done listening. "I got there too late! Don't you see? It was because of me that we arrived too late and it was because of me that you couldn't save her. It was because of me that she left."
Elrohir took a shocked breath at that and arose from the table to join them. "Oh sweet Valar, oh no, Elladan no."
Elrond's eyes hardened. "No Elladan. You must listen to you brother. You must listen to me now. Celebrian's departure had nothing to do with you. She loved you so much. She waits for you still." Elrond closed his eyes at the horrific memory. "And it wouldn't have mattered when you got there."
Elladan studied his father's face. Tears ran freely down his cheeks and his lips trembled from the knowledge of that terrible truth. Sudden insight struck Elladan then and after a shared look of sorrow with his twin, he pressed his forehead lightly against Elrond's. "She had decided to leave long before the orcs had taken her, hadn't she?"
Elrond shuddered slightly and nodded. "I never wanted to tell you. I thought it would break your hearts as it broke mine but the guilt you've been carrying is much worse."
"Thank you." Elrohir's voice was soft yet strong. "Thank you for telling us."
Elladan smiled sadly. "Thank you for staying."
He had told Celebrian that the twins would never know of her decision. He had sworn it to her and now he had gone back on his word, something he had never done before. He felt sure she would have allowed for it, had she seen the grief in her son as he had.
He had been there when Elrohir had pledged to see her again and watched with no surprise when Elladan refused to make the same oath. It was then that he had realized just how much his sons reminded him of his own beloved twin and it was during that moment that he had suddenly known that Elrohir and Elladan would never see their mother again. They would choose Elros' path, he was sure of it and whereas Elros' choice had filled him with dread, his son's choice filled him with pride. So while he had broken his word to his wife and Elrohir was to break his word to his mother, for some reason, it felt right.
The three elves sat in silence for a moment, basking in the grace of their love. Finally Elrond turned and guided Elrohir to a large chair. Elladan came up on the side of it and looked questioningly at his father.
Elrond sighed. "Elrohir, there is something else you should know." This was going to be hard. "Your arm has healed yet healed incorrectly. I must- " Elrond flicked his eyes to Elladan and then back to Elrohir. "I must re- break it to set it properly."
Surprisingly Elrohir looked calm. He sighed deeply then placed his broken arm up on the chair's armrest and gripped his brother's hand with his other. "It's alright. I trust you."
Elrond did not reply. With one swift motion he snapped Elrohir's arm cleanly. The sharp crack resounded throughout the hall, followed by both twin's scream of pain to resolve finally into a hushed heavy breathing. Elrond splinted the newly broken arm and wiped the sweat away from his son's brow.
"I'm sorry. It had to be done."
Elrohir didn't smile but his voice held no menace. "I know."
Elrond grimaced. That had been one of the hardest things he'd learned about being a healer. Most of the time for wounds to heal, they had to hurt. It was something he tried to spare his patients but it was something he was desperate to spare his children. Still no matter how hard he tried, in that regard he always failed.
Elladan was already helping Elrohir to his feet, a strange, new look of urgency on both their faces. Elrond waved at them to wait, he was about to lecture to them about needing rest when he finally caught sensation that they had felt. Trepidation flew through him wildly.
"Where is he?"
The twins shook their heads slightly. Elladan voiced their concern. "He could be anywhere. I don't know. Oh father, I can't believe we let him go like that. I wasn't thinking straight."
Elrohir stumbled and was pulled back onto his feet by his father. "I was so absorbed in my hatred-"
Elrond cut them off. "None of that matters now." He leaned his head to the side slightly, like he was listening to a distant voice. "This way. Elladan aid your brother. Quickly."
The three tore up the tower stairs, anxiety digging into them. All they knew was that they had to get to him as fast as they could without knowing why. The despair they had felt from Estel had suddenly fled and in it's wake, there was nothing.