Yellow! This fic hasn't been updated for months, but I couldn't resist
spoofing another fairy tale bound to go wrong when the normal characters
were replaced with those from the cast of IZ, which I don't own. Darn you
Nick, darn you all to heck (my friend's basement. Oh, such torture devices
exist down there!)
Red, Purple and the Cannibalistic Alien Witch
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, in an excruciatingly small wood cabin in the middle of a huge forest full of bears, wolves, dragons and other such deadly but delightful creatures, there lived a poor toothpick manufacturer, Skoodge with his wife and two children, Red and Purple.
Everything was fine until the wife died in a freak accident involving a thumbtack. Then some genius that lived on the edge of the woods in the village figured out that toothpicks come from trees, running Skoodge out of business and making the family poor. And so Skoodge became the village idiot, roaming around the streets screaming random obscenities to anyone who would listen. And the pay sucked. But something good eventually came out of it when Skoodge found another wife, Tak who had an odd attraction to village idiots. On the downside she was extremely cruel and hated Red and Purple and being poor. When Skoodge mistakenly ate the fourth payment she was making on a piece of dirt that the village politician said was from the moon, she got REALLY mad. The scripted part of our story begins in that tiny one-room hut that was their house.
Tak: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ATE YOUR SALARY?! How am I supposed to pay for the moon dirt?!
Skoodge: But they paid me in chocolate coins! I hadn't eaten for ten minutes and I couldn't help it! *sniff*
Now, Tak had always hated Red and Purple for reasons unknown, so she took this opportunity to somehow get them eaten by a cannibalistic alien witch and his little robot dog.
Tak: I guess we'll have to open up your stomach and get the coins out that way. Skoodge: EEEPP! No! Anything but that!
Tak: Anything?
Skoodge: Yes!
Meanwhile, Red and Purple were sitting in the corner of that one very small room, listening to Tak and Skoodge going at it again while wondering if she was going to make him puke it out or give him laxatives.
Tak: Sine Red and Purple seem to have inherited your appetite for junk food, why not send them out into the woods so we can save the money we would have used for their food?
Red + Purple: *gasp*
Tak: You didn't hear anything.
Red: Yes we did. We're in the same room, which in this house means we're standing two feet from each other.
Tak: Then cover your ears.
Purple: But we don't have ears.
Tak: Go outside then!
Red and Purple go outside, but could still hear clearly with their Extendable Ears borrowed from Fred and George Weasley.
Skoodge: But they're my sons! I could never do that to them! Plus the ghost of my ex-wife said that if I ever let that happen she would haunt my dreams with visions of O-Town concerts! A fate worse than death!
Tak: Alright then. I'll go get the knives.
Skoodge: Wait! ..Alright. I'll send them out to the woods tomorrow.
Red: What?! I can't believe dad sold out on us!
Purple: Like you wouldn't do the same thing. But look at it this way, there's no way he could stand those nightmares for more than two or three minutes. He'll be begging us to come home then!
3 weeks later.
Red: It's been 3 weeks since we left. I just went 3 days without eating nachos. Purple: It's been, 1 week since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry..
Red: This isn't funny! I'm seeing stars! I'm freaking out! I'm losing my mind!! It's all going dark!!!
Purple: It's night you idiot.
Red; I'M the idiot?! You're the one who led us out here! Look at me! I'm skinnier than a pop star!!
Purple: You've always looked like that. And relax. If dad still caves, I left a trail of cheese string so we can find our way back.
Red: Why did we stay out here for 3 weeks then?! Let's go!
And so when the sun came up, they followed the cheese string back through the forest until they came to a green little talking doggie who was walking in the opposite direction, eating the cheese string.
To be continued at a time other than 12:50 AM (now)
Red, Purple and the Cannibalistic Alien Witch
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, in an excruciatingly small wood cabin in the middle of a huge forest full of bears, wolves, dragons and other such deadly but delightful creatures, there lived a poor toothpick manufacturer, Skoodge with his wife and two children, Red and Purple.
Everything was fine until the wife died in a freak accident involving a thumbtack. Then some genius that lived on the edge of the woods in the village figured out that toothpicks come from trees, running Skoodge out of business and making the family poor. And so Skoodge became the village idiot, roaming around the streets screaming random obscenities to anyone who would listen. And the pay sucked. But something good eventually came out of it when Skoodge found another wife, Tak who had an odd attraction to village idiots. On the downside she was extremely cruel and hated Red and Purple and being poor. When Skoodge mistakenly ate the fourth payment she was making on a piece of dirt that the village politician said was from the moon, she got REALLY mad. The scripted part of our story begins in that tiny one-room hut that was their house.
Tak: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ATE YOUR SALARY?! How am I supposed to pay for the moon dirt?!
Skoodge: But they paid me in chocolate coins! I hadn't eaten for ten minutes and I couldn't help it! *sniff*
Now, Tak had always hated Red and Purple for reasons unknown, so she took this opportunity to somehow get them eaten by a cannibalistic alien witch and his little robot dog.
Tak: I guess we'll have to open up your stomach and get the coins out that way. Skoodge: EEEPP! No! Anything but that!
Tak: Anything?
Skoodge: Yes!
Meanwhile, Red and Purple were sitting in the corner of that one very small room, listening to Tak and Skoodge going at it again while wondering if she was going to make him puke it out or give him laxatives.
Tak: Sine Red and Purple seem to have inherited your appetite for junk food, why not send them out into the woods so we can save the money we would have used for their food?
Red + Purple: *gasp*
Tak: You didn't hear anything.
Red: Yes we did. We're in the same room, which in this house means we're standing two feet from each other.
Tak: Then cover your ears.
Purple: But we don't have ears.
Tak: Go outside then!
Red and Purple go outside, but could still hear clearly with their Extendable Ears borrowed from Fred and George Weasley.
Skoodge: But they're my sons! I could never do that to them! Plus the ghost of my ex-wife said that if I ever let that happen she would haunt my dreams with visions of O-Town concerts! A fate worse than death!
Tak: Alright then. I'll go get the knives.
Skoodge: Wait! ..Alright. I'll send them out to the woods tomorrow.
Red: What?! I can't believe dad sold out on us!
Purple: Like you wouldn't do the same thing. But look at it this way, there's no way he could stand those nightmares for more than two or three minutes. He'll be begging us to come home then!
3 weeks later.
Red: It's been 3 weeks since we left. I just went 3 days without eating nachos. Purple: It's been, 1 week since you looked at me, cocked your head to the side and said I'm angry..
Red: This isn't funny! I'm seeing stars! I'm freaking out! I'm losing my mind!! It's all going dark!!!
Purple: It's night you idiot.
Red; I'M the idiot?! You're the one who led us out here! Look at me! I'm skinnier than a pop star!!
Purple: You've always looked like that. And relax. If dad still caves, I left a trail of cheese string so we can find our way back.
Red: Why did we stay out here for 3 weeks then?! Let's go!
And so when the sun came up, they followed the cheese string back through the forest until they came to a green little talking doggie who was walking in the opposite direction, eating the cheese string.
To be continued at a time other than 12:50 AM (now)