Hiding...
"Ryou?! Where are you, you little shit?!"
Fear...
"I'm s-sorry Yami-sama!"
Anger...
SMACK!
Tears...
"O-onegai!"
This is my life...
'I can't even remember when it started.'
Isn't that what everyone says in this situation? They hide behind that wall, and think that everything isn't their fault; and they believe that they have been suffering for such a long time while others have not?
I know when it started. It was a week after my fourteenth birthday. At first it started with warning shoves, then those shoves turned into slaps, those slaps turned into punches, those punches turned into kicks... I believe you know where I'm going ne?
But it wasn't always like this; no I remember when he was gentle and sweet, when he'd laugh that deep laugh... one that held no insane or sadistic pleasure behind it. When he'd give me a shy kiss on the cheek, when he held me during a nightmare...
It was beautiful... so beautiful...
I don't know what started it, and I really don't want to know. I've only got you, and your just a computerized journal... I can't risk him finding my diary and knowing how much this hurts me emotionally you know? Maybe he wouldn't even care, maybe he would just continue... I am the weak one after all.
Yet there is still that small possibility that he might hate himself for it, and I don't want him to feel sorry.
Hit me Bakura if that's what you want.
I only want to make you happy, and if my screams and pleas make you laugh then I'll continue, though I don't know how long I can last.
I don't know...
Wake up at six in the morning, don't bother with a shower... that will wake him up... he's crabby at this hour. Brush my hair, slip on my uniform, arrange it so it looks its best. Creep down the stairs, skip the second last one (that one squeaks) tiptoe my way to the kitchen.
Pour myself some cereal, eat it as fast as I can, place a navy blue mug beside the coffee pot, pour in two scoops of sugar and leave the coffee whitener on the counter.
Cook up some eggs, toast, bacon, and ham, and place them neatly on a pale blue plate. Make sure to place it at the head of the table; napkin placed to the side, knife and fork resting on the white paper.
Walk away, move to the very left of the kitchen doorway (the right floorboards creek), pick up my book bag hanging in the closet, shrug on my blue over coat, open the door, and jump out into the hall. Turn around, close the door softly behind me.
"Good morning Bakura."
This is my morning...
Say hello to the door man -his name is John- he moved from America... he used to work in the military (he's now retired), he's fun to talk to... mostly because we can speak English and don't have to worry about people eavesdropping in on our conversation mostly because we talk fast.
No time to talk right now though, I'm on my way to school. He understands and wishes me luck, though I think I'm going to need it today.
Jog over to the counter; I missed my bus again today this is why I wake up so early. If I miss the early bus then I can just walk to school. Halfway there I find my waist trapped in a bear hug, I pat the arms that are wrapped around me. Yugi lets out a giggle and lets go, he continued walking alongside of me with Jonouchi and Honda.
Anzu is sick today from what I understood; they're all talking a mile a minute about some new video game they found in the arcade, I try to listen to everybody but they're talking way too fast for me to hear them all. They find out afterwards and start laughing nervously out of embarrassment. I just smile politely and let out a small laugh, before I realize it were already at the front gates of Domino High.
Jonouchi leaves us and starts walking in the direction of the school parking lot. He hasn't seen Kaiba in two weeks because he was on a business trip in America; Jonouchi probably left to find out if any of his awful conclusions have come true. He was a worried wreck the whole time Kaiba was gone, worrying over his boyfriend and getting hysterical when he didn't call when he was promised he would at that time.
Not long after Jonouchi and Kaiba come back -Kaiba looking breathless and I can only imagine why with that big grin almost permanently glued to Jonouchi's face- everyone says 'hello', and 'welcome back' but I only smile and wave my greeting.
I don't like to talk much, and they seem to all understand that.
We all make our way inside; Jonouchi, Kaiba, and Honda surround Yugi and me as we walk through the halls. They're always so protective of us lately, mostly because they don't want us getting picked on by the bullies... I wonder if they think that most of the bruises on my body are from bullieing?
Yugi doesn't get attacked so often anymore what with being the King of Games, he's also good friends with Kaiba and Jonouchi. I have no title of respect to others, and my friends can't follow me around every minute of every day, I also don't have a Yami that is protective. Bakura doesn't care if I get beaten up or not, he'll just give me the lecture of me being too weak afterwards and then use me as a punching bag himself.
Nobody cares anymore... Nobody that matters to me cares anymore. I want Bakura to care again, but obviously that's asking for too much now.
I wonder if he can hear me right now? Does he ever read my thoughts while I'm sleeping? I know he used to... though he would tell me before, or he would ask permission. The only times he didn't was when I was crying and he wanted to know what hurt me so.
Though I told you before, he doesn't do that anymore.
School passes by quickly, mostly because I don't want it to end so soon. I'll have to go back home, but I have to get groceries today... maybe he'll leave me alone until I get back.
I don't have to worry about it today. He doesn't seem to be home, I knock on his door and peek inside as it creeks open.
Empty.
His wallet isn't on his nightstand so that could only mean one of three things. a) He's gone out the bars with Marik, b) He's to some dance club with Marik, or c) Both.
So I grab the envelope on the hallway table that has the cheque tucked safely inside. Beside the other letters is a scrap of paper with the word 'aspirin' scrawled in sloppy handwriting, and it was underlined three times. Meaning he wants a big bottle of extra-strength. So I tuck the cheque into my wallet and stick it in my pant's pocket, and make my way outside again to do some shopping.
We're pretty much out of everything. I need to restock my first-aid kit and Bakura needs his drugs. Not to mention we're running out of eggs, milk, butter, fish, fruit, flour. I let out a sigh, we also need some new shampoo, toilet paper, towels (because Bakura ripped most of them, and the rest are full of blood stains caused by me) and tooth paste.
Like I said, pretty much everything.
I picked up the long shopping list that has been tapped to the fridge. Everytime we're running low on something, or we're out of something we'll write it down... well Bakura has some items that would make you blush.
Bakura and Marik have been seeing each other nightly for a couple of months now. You couldn't call them a couple, because that would require a relationship, and the only relationship those to have are (excuse the language) f-ck buddies.
As I was making my way through the mall with what seems like dozens of shopping bags in my hands, I discovered there were only two placed left to go to; the pharmacy... and home. So I stopped in, grabbed my medical supplies, Bakura's medicine... and his lube.
It was when I was reaching for those flavored condoms -that Bakura threatened my life with if I didn't get them- that someone's hand dropped onto my shoulder. I jumped and blushed beat red, caught in an act I'd rather die than do... but unfortunately it was Bakura who threatened my existence, so naturally I would do it.
I spun around and saw... Malik. In all his sweet kitten-like glory. He smiled widely, though his smile was tight and he looked like all he really wanted to do was either scream, cry or just punch something. But he had that look of understanding in his eyes.
Malik's in kind of the same boat as me. Though he can get the occasional sex from his Yami (Marik is what is known as a sex fiend), he wanted the same thing as me -for his Yami to be gentle- though Marik wasn't gentle to begin with he wasn't and isn't like Bakura is now, he gives Malik respect, let's him speak his mind to him; but the one thing Malik wants to say the most is the only thing that won't come out as easily as everything else that comes to his mind. It's not easy to say: I've loved you since forever, how do you feel about me?
This very thought could terrify even the strongest of people.
Malik grabbed the flavored condoms, and the lube Bakura asked for and walked on ahead of me to the cashier. The saleswoman gave him a funny look that Malik ignored and instead gave her a smile.
She rang it up; he paid and then walked out of the store to wait by the windows.
I smiled in relief and took my things up to the counter, the woman smiled at me gently and asked if I had the store's club card -which I happened to have with me that day- I handed it to her and she scanned it through. She bagged everything for me and handed my card back to me. I walked out where Malik was waiting, and told him how grateful I was that he showed up at that time, this is the first time Bakura ever told me to get something like that... Malik just laughed off my 'thank you's'.
He told me that he didn't mind and that he also didn't want to see me die of embarrassment once I reached the checkout counter.
He handed me the small bag and I quickly snatched it and shoved it into one of the many larger ones, he then helped me by taking some of the heavier bags and walked with me to the bus station. He told me, that Marik had the house key and that he was locked out; I told him that he could stay at my place and he told me that he would have anyway even if I had kicked him out on his rear.
He and Marik know about what Bakura does to me, and they talk to me about it and stay with me some times during the night because Bakura doesn't beat me in front of an audience, he just doesn't do that.
Marik tells me he's been trying to talk to Bakura about it, asking him why he hits me and such, mostly so that he can figure out a way to help him stop. Those two (Malik and Marik) like pain about as much as the next masochist but that doesn't mean that they like to see their companions (in their words) getting hurt.
I waved to John and he waves back, saying hello to Malik as we went along; Malik asked how the were doing and John replied that they were all fine, and that Emily would be starting her first year of middle school next week. Emily was in the hospital due to an accident that had caused her to go blind, she had been getting home schooling for a while but now she feels she's ready and wants to try going to school like everyone else her age. She's a very brave girl in my opionion
We both decide the elevator would be the easist way up, and hit the button to level five. We waited patiently not saying a word but just listening to the cheesy elevator music. It was only five minutes later when we were inside my two level apartment putting away the last of the groceries.
I glaced at the clock and realized it was nine o'clock and Malik declared that his show (Toma and friends) was on, and he got the chibified kid look on his face as he bounced into the living room to go watch it. I took my medical stuff and put it in the mirror cabinet in my bathroom, then went over to Bakura's room and placed his bag of lube on his bed.
After that was finished and my homework completed I returned to my room and logged onto the computer, accessing the internet and then logging onto my diary page.
Nothing interesting happened today, which I am thankful for. Though I was almost attacked by that bully, Guy.
He just won't leave me alone. I think it's mostly because he wanted me to go out with him, and I honestly thought about it for a minute but I could tell right away that what he wanted wasn't just a date but a date finished with 'nightly activities'.
It's not like he beats me up, oh no; he wouldn't want to ruin my girly looking face. No, he just molests me every chance he gets, over and over again. I couldn't even tell you how many times he's groped me!
So anyway Guy 'attacked me' but Honda came in and saved the day; he's really nice to me... just like everyone else; they're all so eager to help me. I feel bad sometimes, like I feel I should tell them that it is Bakura leaving these cuts and bruises on me. That it is Bakura who breaks my bones and makes me bleed... but I know what they would do, they would tell Yami and then Yami would send Bakura away. And I don't want him to leave me, I'd be so empty without him.
You wouldn't believe how long it took me to convince Marik and Malik not to rat him out, not to use their fists instead of words. Yes Marik wanted to beat him up because he was hurting me, and he didn't like that, sometimes I wonder how much those two like me. Am I really just a friend to them, or am I someone more?
So I asked Marik to talk to Bakura about why he does it, and every time he does and I ask what he says, he tells me "He's very good at changing the subject"
And when he says that he has an apologetic smile on his. He knows I'm in love with Bakura, but he can't stop seeing him, he told me once that he was like an addictive drug. But I already knew that... after all I'm still living with him right?
That still doesn't change that it's almost the same answer every time, and every time I feel like I'm dying more inside.
If you could see how much your heart or spirit was broken what would mine look like? Though it's a good question it's not all that hard to know what the answer would be right? My heart and spirit would be nothing but full of thousand upon millions of cracks, and one last tug will just take it all away, everything would just shatter.
Can you really die of a broken heart?
Well I have to go now, it's almost ten... and I have to wake up early tomorrow for school again.
I don't know how this could have happened!
When I was at school today everybody looked so scared and jumpy, my friends didn't know I was 'lost in the dark'; they were all too busy going through shock. I also noticed that Kaiba was holding Jonouchi rather tightly and seemed to be more reluctant to let him go to class today. I asked why everyone was acting the way they were and Yugi told me... told me someone had died, but not just anyone.
Guy.
He died. I didn't want to believe it; I thought it was all a dream!
... That sounds like I did it.
Somewhere in my first entry I told you Bakura and I hold a special link, we mostly have it blocked, well, Bakura blocks his end all the time... it weakens once one of us falls asleep, or when one of us is tired. I saw it, I saw everything Bakura did to him! I heard everything he said to him, I heard every sadistic laugh that came out of hs mouth, I saw all the blood, and I heard all the pleas for mercy...
I just wanted it to be a nightmare...
Just a nightmare...
Bakura, I should have known you could get into this, who else would know my passwords better than anyone but my other self?!
Remember in my last entry? I said all I would need was just one more tug and then I would shatter, Bakura you betrayed the last amount of trust I held for you.
I was right, you just thought of me as a punching bag, you would never go back to the way you used to be. You will never tell me how happy you were to meet me any more, you will never give me hugs and kisses anymore just for the heck of it; no because you changed, and I was stupid to ignore the signs.
I was stupid and held onto this little fantasy that maybe one day you would come to me just like the first time we meet. You would walk up to me and take in every inch of my face and body, you would blush that faint pink hue above the bridge of your nose as you look into my eyes; your hand would tremble as you slide your fingertips across my cheek. You would twirl a lock of my hair in your hand, lean in and smell my shampoo while whispering: "Pretty"
It doesn't sound like you does it?
But that's what you said, you helped me forget about how my mom left me that one fateful day while dad was on one of his many digs, you helped me forget how she would always use drugs to make her happy.
I want my old Bakura back!
I want my Bakura that would come up behind me right now and hug, look at me with soft brown eyes and tell me I was just dreaming.
I want my Bakura that would lie down beside me when I was feeling sick, or had nightmares and sing me old Egyptian lullabies.
I want my Bakura that told me... that told me I was his angel, that I was his ray of sunshine in the morning, that I was his nightly prayer, that I was someone whom he could never live without. And it wasn't just because without my body you disappear... you said it was different than that...
But most of all...
I want my Bakura that came to me on Valentine's Day, the one who researched everything about the holiday, the one that I came home to holding a single white rose -surrounded bu red rose petals you had scattered on the ground- the one that fed me his homemade chocolate... the one who cuddled with me and took my first real kiss...
The one,
Who told me he loved me with all his heart...
But I can't have him back can I? You locked him up so deep inside of you that I couldn't even see his happy eyes, or his pretty smile.
Who are you now Bakura? Because you can surely not be the one I gave my heart to, you can't be the one I suffered for, you can't be the one I prayed to return to me... because you're nothing but a demon. You don't have a real name, you don't deserve one.
My Bakura died the day I came home from school, when I kicked off my shoes and wiped the remaning tears away; because that day was going to be different than any other day.
That day I was going to run into your arms with a laugh and you would laugh with me and give me a kiss and a hug. That day you would bend down to my ear and ask if you could finish making me yours, that day you were going to give me another white rose.
Because that day...
Was valentine's day.
But I didn't get a laugh, I didn't get a kiss or even a hug, I didn't get a whispered promise.
I came home and saw that adorable kitten you brought home off the streets one night, lying dead in a puddle of it's blood, I came home and saw you waiting for me.
My Bakura died that day, and the person who took over his body started torturing my heart.
I just wanted to be with my Bakura...
And the only way to do that, was to die along with him...
It's been two years since I found the message, two years since I found Ryou lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. My bottle of aspirin gone along with other pills he found. It's been two years since I took him to the hospital and two years since the doctors told me he was in a coma and may never wake up.
They asked me if I wanted to pull the plug on him, more than once and every time I said no.
You probably think I'm selfish don't you Ryou? You're stuck in a land of eternal sleep now yet you really wanted to die.
I cried when I read your last entry, it was still left open where I could see it, it was addressed to me anyway.
Yes I knew everything and I did go into your little electronic diary... I knew how you felt about me and my abuse, but I thought you would get over it. I thought you would turn your gaze somewhere else, I also thought you would have run away.
I didn't know that you would stay hoping that 'he' would somehow reappear and everything would go back to the way it was.
You've been having nightmares lately. I never realized how much a simple lullaby could calm you, so I sing you all the lullabies and songs I know. I lie beside you every night to go to sleep, and I talk to you every day. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm talking about, I'm just rambling mostly.
I'm smiling more, I'm laughing more, and I'm learning to cry in front of the others.
I help you bath every chance I get, and Ryou? It's not your shampoo, you just naturally smell like peaches and rum.
I wip away any tears that just happen to escape while you were sleeping. Thinking about me again, ne?
Marik and Malik are together, Kaiba and Jonouchi have been married for almost a year now and almost everyone comes to visit you lately. Every chance they get they're in our house to drop in and say 'hi'.
The pharaoh says he will never forgive me and that he hopes that when you do wake up, you'll never want to see me again.
I could live with that...
Actually, I don't think I could.
I've pretty much moved into your room now, I only leave to go to the bathroom or to shove food down my throat. Nothing tastes better than your cooking you know.
But mostly I stay with you, taking care of you... playing with your hair -you forgot to mention that, that I really love your hair and enjoy playing with it-. You'd never complain though because you'd be getting a head massage in the process.
To think, for so long I yanked this gorgeous hair in anger.
I myself don't know why I started attacking you Ryou, maybe it's because that the way I was taught as a child, 'hurt others before they hurt you' I was vulnerable around you and I hated it, 'show that which you own their place' I figured I owned you, and I really don't think you would have minded either...
I just gave you the wrong place.
You know it's becoming a tradition for me, every holiday I would celebrate it with you. Every valentine's day I fill your room full of multicolored roses (Kaiba gave me these purple and blue ones last year), I make sure to wash you up and then I'll dress you in your navy blue silk pajama's. I'll kiss you all over your face and tell you I love you each time. I figure you'll wake up on this day, for this seems to be our unofficial special day.
Ryou... I can't say your Bakura is back, and that when you wake up he'll be there with smiles...
But if and when you do wake up remember that I'll be here instead, not the demon you used to know; but a demon that's discovered love. Maybe later on 'he'll' come back and then both of us could be happy.
But for now I'm afraid I'll have to do, just remember that I miss you and I've fallen in love with you for quite a while, though I fought to hide it.
And when those beautiful chocolate brown eyes of yours open and stare back into mine. Don't be afraid... though they look like your lost love's eyes keep in mind that they are mine.
And when you ask me what my name is, please don't be disappointed, for it might change once I deserve such a name.
But for now, just call me Nanashi.