I kissed her then. She kissed me back. We melted together, and moved as
one. Both of us knew it was goodbye, that it would be the last time.
Tonight every touch, every move, and every sigh was sacred. I forgot about
my suicide mission, and I hope she forgot what her life had become.
I think I said I loved her, and I think she said it back. For tonight we could be lovers, it didn't matter to either of us if it was a lie.
I had woken sometime later with her curled possessively round my body, and I did not want to leave. I knew however that I had to see Sara, and get back to the base. She woke while I was trying to untangle myself from her, but she didn't speak until I was almost out of the room.
She had gotten out of bed and was standing by me next to the door, and one of her hands had found its way onto my chest. "Stay", she said. I would have done anything to comply with that simplest of orders but there was nothing to do. I can still feel her cheek under my hand as I brushed her spilt tears away, and the feel of her lips as I kissed her good bye.
I have reached what, if I had been a happily married man, should have been my first destination when I left the mountain. The O'Neill House of Horrors. Sara wanted to move after Charlie, but I could not even think of leaving the place that had sprung so many happy memories, and that last terrible one. How could I leave his room, which still looked like he could return at any moment? Or leave the garden, where his playhouse still stood? I know she hates it here, but I still can't let go enough to leave.
I don't really know what I'm doing here. I could have gone back to the base and got some sleep, I could have spent another hour with Janet. Maybe I thought I should say a 'proper' goodbye to Sara, not that she would even be awake now.
As I get out of car, I notice a silhouette standing in the porch and as I move closer, I can see that it's Sara. What is she doing? "Sara, are you ok?"
"Where have you been?" There is a tone in her voice that chills me. She seems very cold and detached from her surroundings.
"I've been at the base, preparing for a mission. I just thought that I would come and say goodbye before I left." I had worked my way under the porch now, to get out of the rain.
"You left the base over six hours ago. A General West rang to remind you that you had to be back at the base by 7:00 this morning."
"I went back, I forgot something. Look are you ok? Let's go inside." What has gotten into her?
"You're never coming back in here Jack." She is really scaring me now.
"What are you on about?" She is leaning closer to me now, so close that I can pick out the detail of each hair.
"I can smell her on you Jack. Your lips are swollen from someone else's kisses. Why have you even come here? This obviously is not where your heart lives anymore." She knows. I should be feeling a little guilty, remorseful but all I feel is relief.
"I'm sorry Sara..."
"So am I Jack. I've been waiting so long for you to tell me, but I couldn't wait any longer". Here she laughs a little under her breath, "The funny thing is I'm not angry, I've got past that. I have every right to be, but I'm not. It's not like I've suddenly lost you, that happened over a year ago. I don't hate you either, I pity you. We have lost so many things that were precious to us. Our child, our friendship, our marriage even our love is all but gone."
"Sara, please don't pity me. You owe me nothing, and I am sorry for the person I have turned into. I came here tonight to tell you this. The mission that I'm leaving on tomorrow, it's my last one. I don't think I'm coming back."
I look into her eyes and they are dead to me. She shows no outwards signs of shock at my news, or any indication that she wants to speak, so I continue. "I didn't want to just leave you, or speak to you over the phone. We used to be so happy together, but now the only thing we share is misery. I just wanted to say goodbye."
I don't know what I was expecting, I suppose I don't really deserve anything. Sara looked at me for a second, then turned and walked through the door.
I stand on the porch for a while, looking out at the rain. This was supposed to be the place where Sara and I would grow old together, surrounded by our children. Now it is just a tombstone, to a love that died with the firing of a gun.
I think I said I loved her, and I think she said it back. For tonight we could be lovers, it didn't matter to either of us if it was a lie.
I had woken sometime later with her curled possessively round my body, and I did not want to leave. I knew however that I had to see Sara, and get back to the base. She woke while I was trying to untangle myself from her, but she didn't speak until I was almost out of the room.
She had gotten out of bed and was standing by me next to the door, and one of her hands had found its way onto my chest. "Stay", she said. I would have done anything to comply with that simplest of orders but there was nothing to do. I can still feel her cheek under my hand as I brushed her spilt tears away, and the feel of her lips as I kissed her good bye.
I have reached what, if I had been a happily married man, should have been my first destination when I left the mountain. The O'Neill House of Horrors. Sara wanted to move after Charlie, but I could not even think of leaving the place that had sprung so many happy memories, and that last terrible one. How could I leave his room, which still looked like he could return at any moment? Or leave the garden, where his playhouse still stood? I know she hates it here, but I still can't let go enough to leave.
I don't really know what I'm doing here. I could have gone back to the base and got some sleep, I could have spent another hour with Janet. Maybe I thought I should say a 'proper' goodbye to Sara, not that she would even be awake now.
As I get out of car, I notice a silhouette standing in the porch and as I move closer, I can see that it's Sara. What is she doing? "Sara, are you ok?"
"Where have you been?" There is a tone in her voice that chills me. She seems very cold and detached from her surroundings.
"I've been at the base, preparing for a mission. I just thought that I would come and say goodbye before I left." I had worked my way under the porch now, to get out of the rain.
"You left the base over six hours ago. A General West rang to remind you that you had to be back at the base by 7:00 this morning."
"I went back, I forgot something. Look are you ok? Let's go inside." What has gotten into her?
"You're never coming back in here Jack." She is really scaring me now.
"What are you on about?" She is leaning closer to me now, so close that I can pick out the detail of each hair.
"I can smell her on you Jack. Your lips are swollen from someone else's kisses. Why have you even come here? This obviously is not where your heart lives anymore." She knows. I should be feeling a little guilty, remorseful but all I feel is relief.
"I'm sorry Sara..."
"So am I Jack. I've been waiting so long for you to tell me, but I couldn't wait any longer". Here she laughs a little under her breath, "The funny thing is I'm not angry, I've got past that. I have every right to be, but I'm not. It's not like I've suddenly lost you, that happened over a year ago. I don't hate you either, I pity you. We have lost so many things that were precious to us. Our child, our friendship, our marriage even our love is all but gone."
"Sara, please don't pity me. You owe me nothing, and I am sorry for the person I have turned into. I came here tonight to tell you this. The mission that I'm leaving on tomorrow, it's my last one. I don't think I'm coming back."
I look into her eyes and they are dead to me. She shows no outwards signs of shock at my news, or any indication that she wants to speak, so I continue. "I didn't want to just leave you, or speak to you over the phone. We used to be so happy together, but now the only thing we share is misery. I just wanted to say goodbye."
I don't know what I was expecting, I suppose I don't really deserve anything. Sara looked at me for a second, then turned and walked through the door.
I stand on the porch for a while, looking out at the rain. This was supposed to be the place where Sara and I would grow old together, surrounded by our children. Now it is just a tombstone, to a love that died with the firing of a gun.