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Chapter 15- Letting go

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(Wolfram and Heart- Angel's office)

"Why'd you bring us back here?" Buffy asked, still a little weary of Angel's intentions.

"I didn't want to go back to the hotel. Too crowded. We have some serious issues to discuss and…"

"You mean like why you didn't tell me that Spike was back from the dead!"

"…from the dead? What are you talking about?" Spike asked, watching the word exchange very carefully. This was easily becoming a battle of words and Spike was getting tired of the half truth's he was being fed.

"How could you keep this from me Angel? I trusted you. You knew that I've been suffering…how much pain I've been in…how could you?"

"You never said why you were hear either. Am I suppose to believe that you didn't know."

"How long?" Spike asked, getting a better of understanding of what was going on.

Angel was fidgeting with some items on his desk, unable to meet his eyes. Buffy turned to look at him, not sure how to proceed. He knew nothing at this point and she was nervous as to how much information he could take. He was human after all.

His voice was low and sounded like he was in pain. "How long was I…dead?" He was getting a little bit more of an understanding now, but everything was still fuzzy. The flashbacks he'd had after seeing her at the catering hall still fresh in his mind. The kisses they'd shared at her hotel room opening doors to pieces of more memories he'd long forgotten, still it was all unclear- but the dying he was beginning to remember. A burning sensation becoming all too real for him to handle.

Buffy walked over to him, taking his hand in hers reaching it up to her lips placing a gentile kiss on his fingers.

"Almost a year I guess…hard to tell at this point. How long were you…where were you before Angel found you?"

Angel watched the display with hurt and anger in his eyes. He knew that Buffy wasn't back for him, but the display of love and concern that she was showing the former vampire was just too much for him to handle.

"He woke up in the rubble at Sunnydale, during the rebuild. I only found out a few days ago so I paid a little visit. Now why are you here?" Angel asked, still trying to figure out what else was going on. There was a piece to this puzzle that was missing and he couldn't place his finger on it.

"Dreams."

"So you were having them too?" Spike asked, even though he already knew the answer. Of course she'd been having them, that's why they felt so real. They'd been sharing dreams."

"I thought they were prophetic of some kind, I didn't think that they were literal. I couldn't bring myself to believe that he was really back..it just…I thought you might be up to something, that maybe Angelus was back. Ever since I heard you got Wolfram & Heart I didn't know if you'd changed. Now I see that you have.

It was then that Wesley came rushing into the office. "There you are! When I saw the hotel door broken I was afraid that something had gone terribly wrong. Is everything alright? Why was the door broken down?" He looked around noticing Buffy in the room and looking towards Spike who was now in the far corner.

"We had a little misunderstanding. It's good to see you Wesley."

"Buffy, would you mind if we spoke alone for a minute?" Angel asked, nodding over to where Spike stood with an obvious look of confusion.

"Spike, would you mind?"

"Fine, maybe Wes here could fill me in on what you two have left out then."

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"You never said you were in love with him" Angel stated, the moment Spike and Wesley left the room.

"What are you talking about?"

"I knew that something happened between you two, but you never said you were in love with him. Why didn't you tell me?"

"You've got some nerve. You're trying to put this on me now? How long were you planning to keep him from me? Were you ever going to tell me?"

"Honestly?"

"It would be a start."

"I don't know."

"You don't know…YOU don't know? I can't believe you. And how long have you been following me?"

"What are you talking about?" Angel was shifting uncomfortably in his seat. She knew he was hiding something.

"The hotel. How'd you know I was there? You must have been following me. Now is the time to get everything out in the open Angel. You lie to me now and I never forgive you."

The look on her face was stern and he could tell that she was telling the truth. Losing her for good was a chance he could not take.

"I'll tell you everything if you tell me how long you've been in love with Spike."

Buffy was nervous about discussing her true feelings for him. It was something that she hadn't really confronted while he was around. In fact, it was an emotion that she hadn't really considered until he was gone. When she'd said she loved him she meant it. He said she didn't, but it wasn't because he didn't believe her. At the time her love for him was a love unlike any other she'd ever known. They'd shared so much, and been through so much together that they're bond was unlike any relationship she could ever dream of having with anyone else. It wasn't until he was gone that she realized she was actually in love with him- that she really had gotten over Angel.

"Too much has changed between us Angel. I'll always love you. You will always be the love I lost, the one I missed out on- the chance never taken, but so much has happened to the both of us since we were together that we're no longer the people we were."

She walked over to him, gazing at him softly- reminiscing about the time they'd shared together. She reached her hand up to his face and caressed it gently, knowing that she was doing something she never thought she would. She was letting go of something unfinished, ending a story that was only half told.

Angel was trying to keep his composure, thinking of the chance he had years ago. His opportunity at redemption, that one day they shared- holding her in his arms…he couldn't be here at this moment, listening to the words she was saying.

"Angel, you mean the world to me…since you've been gone there have been life altering experiences…times that I wished nothing more than to have you by my side. My heart was broken all over again after you…Parker, Riley… but it never hurt as much as it did the day you left. I never got over that. I never gave up hope on the chance that we might have a shot at something someday."

She was fighting back tears now as her eyes filled with water. This was probably one of the hardest thing she'd ever have to do, which was a bit ironic considering all of the demons she'd faced in her lifetime.

"I can't wait for you anymore. I would have been happy to accept you as you were then. I could have dealt with the vampire thing, I could have found a way to make it work in my life- but the truth is, you could never accept who you were. It wasn't that you thought I was too good for you, it was that you were never good enough for yourself. I can't sit around waiting for you to be less… complicated. I was never enough for you, because you couldn't be who you wanted to be."

"I hear what you're saying Buffy, but that doesn't tell me where you are with him."

"Spike loved me without a soul, maybe it was in a strange sort of sordid way…but in the way that he could, he loved me. He never cared whether he thought he was good enough, or the complications involved…all he cared about was how he felt about me…and the way he felt when he was with me. Things can be right between us now."

"Is that what you want?" Angel asked, fearing the answer. The truth was that he knew it had been over for some time. His love for Buffy changed when he fell in love with Cordelia, which was something he still hadn't come to terms with. She was right of course. They could never go back to who they were.

He was going to respond when Wesley walked into the room. "Wesley, can you please…give us a few more minutes?"

"I'm sorry, but I thought you might need to know. It's Willow…he motioned to the phone in his hand. She's got some news about…you know who. They're on their way. They should arrive in the middle of the night. I'm sending a car out, but I thought you might want to be there to greet them.

TBC

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