Chapter 6 – So What? by Ani DiFranco
who's gonna give a shit
who's gonna take the call
when you find out that the road ahead
is painted on a wall
and you're turned up to top volume
and you're just sitting there in pause
with your feral little secret
scratching at you with its claws
and you're trying hard to figure out
just exactly how you feel
before you end up parked and sobbing
forehead on the steering wheel
who are you now
and who were you then
that you thought somehow
you could just pretend
that you could figure it all out
the mathematics of regret
so it takes two beers to remember now
and five to forget
that I loved you so
yeah, I loved you, so what
how many times undone
can one person be
as they're careening through the facade
of their favorite fantasy
you just close your eyes slowly
like you're waiting for a kiss
and hope some lowly little power
will pull you out of this
but none comes at first
and little comes at all
and when inspiration finally hits you
it barely even breaks your fall
who were you then
and who are you
now that you can't pretend
that you can figure it all out
subtract out the impact
and the fall is all you get
so it takes two beers to remember now
and three more to forget
that I loved you so
yeah, I loved you, so what
I loved you
so what
Penn was so close to D.C. that frequent visits back home (mostly to see Zoey) were not uncommon, and obviously, the White House's West Wing was a place she was often when in town so avoiding Sam became like second nature. Their eyes mutually averted, their bodies, when once they seemed to always be drawn together, now repelled.
In March, however, during the 20 hours in L.A., Tori couldn't avoid Sam in Air Force One, the area of the plane so confined that they always managed to run into each other.
"I can't get away from him, it's like everywhere I turn, there he is." Tori grumbled to Zoey, taking the seat Charlie just vacated.
"You are going to have to face him at some point, you know that right."
"Yeah, I know." She huffed, and then leaned back in her seat. "So what are you wearing to the party?"
"Just a heads up," Donna pulled Tori aside as they headed into the hotel. "I think your dad likes Joey Lucas."
"My dad's gay?" Tori nearly yelled, stopping to turn to Donna.
"No, Joey Lucas is a woman. She's the campaign manger for O'Dwyer, who's running in California's 47th."
"That means little to nothing to me." They continued to walk, trying to keep up with the moving group.
"Well, anyways, I think Josh has a little crush on her."
"Okay."
"And I just wanted you to know; so that you weren't…I don't know…"
"Pissed that my dad was introducing another woman into his life? Really doesn't bother me, as long as it isn't Mandy Hampton again." Tori whispered the last part, as Mandy was walking within a couple of feet of them.
"Good."
"Thanks anyways, Donna." Tori said before the panicked yell of Josh rung out,
"DONNA!"
"Coming!" She broke into a slow jog to make her way up to her boss; Tori followed, lugging her suitcase.
Tori walked up to the door of her and Josh's room to see him struggling with the door key and Donna relaying his messages to him.
"Dave Leavy." Donna read,
"Later, are you sure this isn't for your room?" He said, shoving the plastic key violently into the metal slot.
"It's for your room. Mandy."
"Later…you sure?"
"It's for your room. The Deputy Whip."
"Later, you know there used to be keys…" Donna shoved Josh out of the way and grabbed his plastic key. "You stuck it in, you turn it…" And on one try, Donna opened the door. "I loosed it for you."
Tori sighed as she dragged her suitcase into the room and threw it down at the foot of the single bed.
"Well, it's a good thing we aren't staying the night…" She muttered as Donna tried to convince Josh to call, or see or do anything about Joey Lucas.
"Gather ye rosebuds, while ye may Josh." Donna said, leaning against the window sill.
"So just who is Joey Lucas?" Tori interrupted, lay back on the bed.
"She's the campaign manager for…" Josh began,
"No, something about her, you know, as a human being."
"Oh…" Josh thought for a moment, "She's deaf."
"Good then she can't hear you nag her." Tori grinned.
"Oh ha ha." Josh took one of the pillows off and threw it at her.
"As long as she isn't Mandy," Tori said before her ringing cell phone distracted her
"Why do you hate all of my girlfriends?"
"Because you pick bad ones!" Tori said as she read the caller I.D. "Hey Zoey."
Both father and daughter became lost in their own conversations; Josh was now getting ready to talk to Ted Marcus about Resolution 973 as Tori was planning to meet Zoey for lunch. And in less then ten minutes after entering the hotel room, it was once again vacant.
The hallways of the hotel were much like streets, traffic spilt into two parts, people making nearly silent signals when about to turn or break the synchronized movement. And then came Sam, weaving in and our of the perfection, making his way head on into in coming traffic nearly avoiding fatal accidents and committing minor ones. Sam, his body careening carelessly, crashed violently into Tori's.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry." He said before he even realized who it was.
"It's fine." She said curtly before attempting to push past the wreckage.
"Tori?"
She stopped and turned, "What?"
Sam sputtered for a moment, "I'm sorry." He said finally.
"I know." Again, she tried to leave before she could see the total cost of the damage but Sam's voice called out again.
"Tori?"
"What?" Spinning around, annoyed she glared at Sam, who looked back slightly hurt, slightly innocent.
"I'm sorry for everything."
"Not here, Sam. Please."
"Then where? I feel like, I don't know, like I've severed an arm but the wound was never sewn up properly."
Tori smirked, "Then I guess you got the better end of the deal."
"I don't know about that."
"Look, Sam I've got to meet Zoey in the lobby."
"Is Josh going to be in the room right after the Al Kiefer meeting?"
"Probably not, at least not until right before the fundraiser anyways,"
"Okay then"
She then made her final get away, racing out of accident before more causalities could be committed.
Lunch with Zoey was ruined by President Bartlet deciding to join them, as well as the entire senior staff and about 20 Secret Service agents. Not to mention that the whole restaurant was cleared of any normalcy by riding the place of all other patrons.
Complaining as she was being placed into the car, Zoey mentioned that they should re-tray to get a "L.A. experience" by doing some shopping in Santa Monica. Tori, bite her lip, recalling Sam's question in the hall. Quickly, before Josh ushered her into their own car, Tori shook her head.
"I'll explain later." She called.
Now sitting on the bed, Tori waited for Sam to knock. It was a routine for them, reminiscent of the campaign, back when innocent flirting remained just that and neither reputations were put into jeopardy by crossing the line.
The knock came and Tori allowed Sam to come in, making sure that no one saw.
"Get right to the point Sam, we both have to start getting ready for the fundraiser soon." Tori sat back on the bed, and Sam leaned against a wooden dresser, hands shoved uncomfortably in his pockets.
"I don't have a point. I just want closure."
"Sam, you keep demanding that and I don't know what to tell you. I have nothing more to give you. I don't have the strength, the courage, the…" she stopped, hoping that she didn't have to say it.
"What?" he urged.
"The freedom to give you anything more of me."
"I guess I just want to know…how you've been holding up?"
"Sam!" She sighed, "Why are you doing this?"
"I didn't want it to end like that, like that night on the soccer field. I didn't want it to end with being discovered and me breaking your heart like that."
"It would have ended like that anyways. Don't you see Sam? Ask yourself who were you then and you'll see the answer is The same person you are now. We're the same people. And if I came over there right now and kissed you, you would react the same as you would have before." She stood up, "It doesn't matter how it ended. We both know that's not why we suffered for so long, why we still suffer."
"I just wanted you to know that…" His gaze bounced around the room, searching for how he felt, how he wanted to explain, "I didn't want it to end, like that, or at all, even though responsibility forced me to." The honesty he had for so long tried to escape, was shinning in his eyes like tears. She didn't know what he expected of her, but she knew that what they both wanted shouldn't ever happen again.
"I loved you, Sam but so what? That fulfillment, that emptiness, it's gone and I don't know what you are looking for tonight."
"A way out of regret."
"If I could find one for myself, I would try and help you."
"Make me believe that it wasn't all a mistake!"
"I can't, because it was! Anything that hurts that bad was a mistake."
"I don't believe that finding something that passionate could ever be a mistake."
"I wish I could believe you." Tori said somberly, eyes half closed trying to contain her tears.
"I should go."
"Yeah." Tori sat back down on the bed, and before her head fell into her hands she saw Sam leaving, shutting the door behind him once again.
Josh came into the room just as Tori put the last two drops of Visine in her eyes. She stared into the bathroom mirror, watching the redness slowly fade away. She smiled, watching her face contort to that perfect vision of happiness she so often had to put on. Eyes vacant, lips painted and skin smooth like glossed ceramic, Tori had placed that smile on her face before, using its empty emotions like a mask.
"Tori, I need to use the bathroom to get ready!" Josh yelled as Tori stepped out, her cocktail dress clinging and beautiful. "Wow, you look very nice. What happened?" Tori hit him in the arm,
"Ha ha. Too bad I can't say the same for you."
"You just wait; in less then ten minutes I will be the image of charm and refinement."
"Oh good, because the cars are leaving in five."
"What?" Josh stuck his head out the bathroom as Tori was putting on her shoes.
"You're wasting more time!"
"Jesus!" Josh said in gasp, frantically trying to throw on his suit. Tori just shook her head as she watched her father wash away the day's trails and put on his best. They made it out to the cars just in time.
The party was filled will soft lights, precision make-up, mediocre celebrities, silicone, thick back pockets and donating political figures. Tori's smile remained unchanged in her pocket, ready to pull out when introduced to various people as, "Josh Lyman's daughter, Tori."
She managed to escape a few hours into the party trying to get a few moments to herself to remove her face and think. She was soon found by Toby.
"Where's Josh?"
"I don't know, flirting with Joey Lucas I suppose."
"Ah." Toby said with alcohol on his breath.
"Been drinking?"
"Like nobody's business." He was about to tipped back another glass of rum when a firm hand gripped his shoulder, and a deep voice said.
"Well, if it isn't Toby Ziegler."
Toby, much annoyed that his next step closer to oblivion was postponed, grimaced slightly, "Richard Firmen,"
"What's new with you, Toby?"
"Well, I was well on my way to getting drunk."
Richard laughed, his voice like vodka, heavy and oily. Tori shifted uncomfortable as Richard's eyes found their way around her. His leathery face cracked into a smile. The situation was only made worse for her as Sam, who was pulled into the conversation as he was walking by. His eyes too wandered, but in a more innocent way, one that nearly comforted Tori.
"You look good tonight." Sam said, trying to keep his voice platonic.
"Thanks." She muttered mask crushed now underneath her heels.
"Have we met before?" Richard interjected, thrusting his hand out.
"This is Tori Lyman, Josh's daughter." Sam said, "Tori, this is Richard Firman, he's a big supporter for the President." Tori's hand was taken firmly in his grasp, and shook with almost violent zeal.
"Which just means I give a lot money to your dad and the rest of the administration." Richard laughed again; Tori forced a little grin as her eyes searched for a way out. Toby quickly caught her eye,
"Tori, I think your dad wanted to see you."
"Yeah."
"I think he's with the President outside."
Nodding, Tori made her way past the throngs of people, not even bothering to say good night to Sam.
"She's a beautiful girl." Richard said, watching her walk away.
"If you lay a hand on her, I swear to God I'll break all of your fingers." Sam said, voice thick with malice, face darkened by Richard's comment. Richard offended and deterred by the threat turned and walked away.
"Ironic that you of all people should be saying that, Sam." Toby finished off his glass of rum. "I'll be drinking more, a lot more, if anyone needs me."
"Yeah." Sam murmured as their conversation was spilt by the intrusion of a new group of people.