Chapter 8 – Sleep the Clock Around by Belle and Sebastian

And the moment will come when composure returns

Put a face on the world; turn your back to the wall

And you walk twenty yards with your head in the air

Down the Liberty Hill, where the fashion brigade

Look with curious eyes on your raggedy way

And for once in your life you got nothing to say

And could this be the time when somebody will come

To say, "Look at yourself, you're not much use to anyone"

Take a walk in the park, take a Valium pill

Read the letter you got from the memory girl

But it takes more than this to makes of the day

Yeah, it takes more than milk to get rid of the taste

And you trusted to this, and you trusted to that

And when you saw it all come, it was waving the flag

Of the United States of Calamity, hey!

After all that you've done boy, I know your going to pay

In the morning you come to the ladies salon

To get all fitted out for the Paperback Throne

But the people are living far away from that place

When you wanted to help, you're a bit of a waste

And the puzzle will last till somebody will say

"There's a lot to be done while your head is still young"

If you put down your pen, leave your worries behind

Then the moment will come, and the memory will shine

Now the trouble is over, everybody got paid

Everybody is happy, they are glad that they came

Then you go the place where you've finally found

You can look at yourself, sleep the clock around

            Sleep came quickly for Tori; exhausted by the night, she barely could even muster the strength to change out of her previous clothes and into more comfortable ones.

            Ten hours went by on the clock, unseen by Tori. She awoke to find her answering machine blinking; answering it, reveled Sam's voice asking Tori if she wanted a ride to the hospital. She did, and so she called him back.

            Sam came to the apartment for the first time in nearly a year, she touched the door on the way out, memories invading her mind, memories she thought it improper to think about now.

            The sun was out, in mockery to the night that Tori still held inside of her. But the beauty of the day couldn't heal the wound created that night, which was still throbbing with pain and anxiety. Tragedy hadn't been defeated yet, not by a long shot. All of the love in the world wouldn't be enough to slay true devastation, Tori feared. And even if life was the winner of this day's battle, Tori knew that she was still part of the causalities. Even if just a little, she knew that something inside of her had died; the gunshot ripped and mangled more than just Josh's flesh and it left Tori gripping on to the hope that miracle would once again be borne out of tragedy.

            The private waiting room wasn't the same as before, Tori thought. It seemed colder, emptier…like it was waiting for something to happen. The initial brutal fear had dissipated, leaving a mild sickening feeling at the core of the room, to permeate and invade the rational of all those who waited there.

            Donna was the first person she saw, hands clasped in her lap, face drawn and covered with an agony that looked like it was making her sick. Tori just stood in the door way, watching her, knowing that her own heart and Donna's heart were combined with one feeling. Tori knew, looking into her eyes, that Josh would not recover on her love alone, and however much she hated it in that moment, her father needed Donna as much as he needed his own daughter. So she took a deep breath, forcing composer to take over where devastation once resided, forcing everything to fill the emptiness she had known for so long, entered the room and waited to either be excused or embraced.

            Seeing Josh open his eyes after surgery peeled all of the layers of torment off, leaving her just raw elation. Tori held his hand, feeling its warmth and life and knew that the first leg of their journey was over.

             Fourteen days later, and Josh was laying, almost comfortable, in his hospital bed.  Tori walked in, a few bags in hand and a victorious look on her face.

            "If I sneak Toby, Sam and C.J. in here, would you promise not to tell Donna?"

            "Sure, why?"

            "Because I just cut a deal with all three of them so that they could see you."

Josh laughed, "What did you get out of it?"

            "Sam's going to buy me lunch, C.J.'s buying me a pair of shoes and Toby owes me a favor."

            "Couldn't think of a better way to milk him?"

            "I was considering having him write my mid-term essay for my American Government class, but I figured that he would end up ranting about the state of welfare for twenty pages so I decided against it."

            "Probably a good idea," Josh's grin relaxed a little, "Don't worry, I won't tell Donna."

            "Okay, Toby's coming tonight at 8:00, Sam's coming a little after that and C.J. tomorrow morning around 10:00."

            "Man, you really planned this thing out…"

            "Now, here are the things you asked for," She dropped them next to the bed. "I'm to have lunch with Zoey, and then I'm going to see Aaron for a bit, but I'll be back here around 7:00."

            "You know, Tori, you don't have to spend every night here…"

            "I don't want you to be alone."

            "I won't be; Donna'll come." The statement, made a small pang of sadness echo throughout her body.

            "No, I'll come back." And with that, Tori left the hospital room, almost afraid that she wouldn't be able to get back in.

            Tori meet Zoey in the White House, where they deiced to get some food at the mess instead of braving the outside world.

            "So, how have you been?"

            "I'm okay, I'm better than before. How about you?"

            "Good, except that Charlie's been acting, strange…I don't know. Irritable, I guess."

            "Well, he did almost get your and my father killed; it's reason to be acting strange."

            "Yeah, I guess. I just don't know what to do."

            "I don't think there is anything you can do about it. He'll just have to heal and realize that it's not truly his fault that we…" Tori didn't finish the sentence; she didn't have to, Zoey understood her.  "Just give him time, he'll come around."

            "Yeah, you're probably right." She sighed. "What about Josh, is he ok?"

            "I think so." Tori paused, her brow slightly wrinkled, "I don't think he's been sleeping well, and he's been less responsive to things, I don't know if that makes any sense."

            "It does."

            "He seems caught up sometimes, just tangled in his own thoughts." Another pause, "but then, he did almost die, so I guess this is kinda of expected."

            "It was a really traumatic situation for him and for all of us too. We all have to recover from it, even if we weren't shot. Everyone's a little bit afraid, a little anxious... I've never been in a situation like this before, but I'm guessing this is normal…or however normal this could be."

Tori nodded in response. They both sat in the mess, watching different levels of government workers file in and out. They waved when Bonnie and Donna came in to get some water.

            "Do you think that…?" Tori started, watching Donna move quickly and unknowing of her own grace, "never mind, it's a stupid question."

            "No, what?" Zoey prompted.

            "Do you think that someone can replace another person without even knowing it?"

            "What do you mean?"

            "I mean, do you think that one day someone is going to come up to me and tell me that I'm not useful anymore and that I should just move along?"

            "Tori!" Zoey laughed at the ridiculousness of the question.

            "Seriously, that one day I will just be a waste and no one will want me?"

            "No, absolutely not!"

            "Why?"
            "Because I'll always want you!" Zoey's smile broke through so many days of pain and sadness.  "Who are you worried about doing that to you? Sam?" She lowered her voice as she said his name.

            "No, my dad. I feel like Donna…is taking care of him so well that he doesn't need me."

            Zoey's expression of disbelief was genuine, like everything else about her, "You're his daughter, no one can replace that."

            "What if they got married…"

            "Tori!" Her laugh was good-natured, playing off Tori's now exaggerated worry. "She's his assistant…they're relationship isn't like that."

            "She's so young too; if we went out to dinner together they would think that we were sisters rather than her being my step-mom."

            "Now, that's just weird. If Donna was your step-mom…that would be like Mrs. Landingham being my step-mom."

            "Only more appropriate, because she isn't young enough to have gone to high school with you."

            "Donna's not that young."

            "No, maybe not, but young."

            "Yeah, young, but not that young."

            "See, if that happened, it would be more like if Charlie married your dad." This sent both girls into a fit of giggles, their mirth loud and almost disruptive.

            "And then we'd move to Vermont…"

            "And go on the Jerry Springer show." The laughter rang out like a bell, calling all of those away from home that it was safe to return. Tori felt some of her worry lift; of course her feelings of replacement were unfounded, she was just like her father now; afraid that everyone he loves was going to die or fall in some tragedic way. Perhaps not so unfounded, but in this case Tori believed that Zoey was right, she wasn't about to be shoved out into the cold. Josh was too afraid of losing her wholly, and she was too afraid to let go.

            When Tori came home, it was a little after 9:30. The street was dark except for the faded glow of the street lamps, making every few steps light up with an orange shadow.

            She met Sam in that light, as he left Josh's apartment, walking like he was consumed with the process.

            "So when are you going to buy me lunch?" Tori asked, disrupting his walk.

            "Hun?" He looked up and around until his eyes fell on her, covered in the light. He was standing outside of the glow. "Oh, I don't know."

            "What's wrong? Something on your mind?"

            "It's nothing."

            "No, what is it?"

            "Don't you feel like we should tell Josh what went on with us?"

            "No, do you?"

            "Well, yeah. He nearly died; what if he died not knowing about us?" Tori shrugged as Sam continued, "I would think that you'd want to come clean with him, especially since you've almost lost him."

            "Yes, and then he would yell at me until his stitches burst open. You're career is at stake here, aside from that how much guilt do you think he would feel? If the bullet didn't get him, then the truth would."

            "I don't like keeping secrets, Tori."

            "We all have secrets, Sam. Don't you think dad has secrets too?"

            "But not about a love affair with his daughter."

            "I miss your integrity." Her voice was soft, like the circle of light she stood in, dimmed and faded. "I think your honesty is what kept me in line for so long."

            "And what made you cross it."

Tori smirked, "Don't hurt him anymore than he already is. Tell him later, in a year, in three years, but please don't throw another tragedy at him, not yet. He's still recovering." She gave him a small smile, and then walked back into the darkness. Sam stuffed his hands in his pocket and then headed in the opposite direction.