Chapter 9 – Papa, can you hear me? By Charlotte Church
A/N: Sorry this took so long. There is an explaination! Something was suppose to happen to Tori this chapter didn't because dealing with Josh's PTSD became more of a thing then it was suppose to be. I also have to start foreshadowing the climax. This is taking so long! We're not even out of season two yet! I swear only one thing happens in season three! This will not be 70 pages long…this will not be 70 pages long! Anywho, I also had my wisdom teeth taken out, which sucked and I was depressed all week and it was hard to write the happy Hanukkah scene when I was sad. But now I'm getting better (slowly…grrr) and here's chapter 9!
God
Oh God
May the light,
Illuminate the night, the way your spirit illuminates my soul
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you see me?
Papa, can you find me in the night?
Papa, are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?
Looking at the skies, I seem to see a million eyes
Which ones are yours?
Where are you now that yesterday
Has waved goodbye and closed its door?
The night is so much darker,
The wind is so much colder
The world I see is so much bigger
Now that I'm alone
Papa, please forgive me
Try to understand me
Papa, don't you know I had no choice?
Can you hear me praying,
Anything I'm saying,
Even though the night is filled with voices?
I remember ev'rything you taught me
Ev'ry book I've ever read
Can all the words in all the books
Help me to face what lies ahead?
The trees are so much taller
And I feel so much smaller
The moon is twice as lonely
And the stars are half as bright
Papa, how I love you
Papa, how I need you
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me goodnight...
The press room was settling down, questions were coming at a less rapid pace (That being five question every twenty seconds rather than fifty). Just as C.J. was about to wrap things up, Danny threw out a question,
"How does Josh feel about Tori dating Mark Jackson?"
"Mark
Jackson?" C.J. asked, incredulous. In her head she was running the name through
all of her mental files…she knew there must be something about this guy
Jackson… "Mark Jackson, as in Senator Jackson's son?"
"Yes, that would be the Mark
Jackson I'm talking about."
"Senator Jackson of Maryland? Republican Senator Jackson of Maryland?"
"Yeah, that sounds about right to me."
"Well, Josh feel the way any father feels about his daughter dating somebody, he's happy for them and, uh, hopes that their relationship flourishes."
"C.J.!" Josh came storming through the staff bullpen, as C.J. was making her way out of the press room. "C.J.!"
"Yes Josh, I know! Please don't yell because I assure you everything I just said, I wish I hadn't said and…"
"I hope their relationship flourishes? First, I didn't even know there was a relationship and second, if I knew there was I most certainly wouldn't hope for it to flourish. In fact I would hope that it would wither and die and that Mark Jackson might be castrated so he could never hope to date me daughter again and taint her with his republican whatever!" Josh was throwing his hands in the air, waving madly and frantically.
"Are you done?"
"DONNA!" He pivoted, and nearly ran into his assistant, cowering slightly. "Get Tori on the phone."
"I already did, she says she going to stop in here after class." Josh and Donna headed back to his office, where Toby was standing, the society page of the Washington Post in hand, a picture of Tori holding the hand of Mark Jackson on the top of the page.
"Can't you, like, I don't know, inform us when your daughter is dating the sons of important Republican senators?"
"Trust me, had I known, I would have not only told you but stopped it in the first place." Josh sat at his desk and let his head hit the wood with a thunk. "You know, I thought the benefit of having her transfer to Georgetown would that since she would be closer to me and I wouldn't have to worry about her as much."
"Well, that plan kind of backfired, didn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Josh?" Donna came back into the office, "Tori's here." Tori stepped into the office and put her book bag down on the ground.
"Next time you have a conniption, could you call me when I'm not in class?"
"Yeah, next time you start to date a guy and decide to tell me."
"What?" Tori turned as Josh motioned to the paper Toby was still holding. She, gap mouthed, stared at her picture.
"So when were you planning on telling me about Mr. Republican?" Josh asked, but didn't wait for an answer as he continued, "Why can't you just date democrats? Is this some kind of teenage rebellion? I handled the Green Partiest, I handled the Libertarian, hell I even handled the anarchist, and that was a pretty big feat for me…" Tori interrupted him,
"I tried to tell you about him. Maybe you should listen to me next time."
"What – no you didn't." Josh laughed uncomfortably, and looked at Toby for sympathy, "No she didn't." Toby rolled his eyes and sighed as Tori said,
"Yeah, remember last night when I said, 'hey dad, I think you should know who I'm about to go on a date with.' And you said, and I quote, 'at the moment, I couldn't care less about the shmuck you're about to see. Tell me later' end quote." Tori crossed her arms, and gave him a mock smile. The motion of Toby hitting himself with the paper was then followed by him also hitting a silent, jaw dropped Josh with it and then walking out of the office.
"Well, I care now." Josh finally managed.
"And now you know." Tori picked up her bag and started to walk out.
"Wait, wait, wait," Tori turned around, "Well, you aren't going to keep dating him, are you?"
"Yeah, actually I had planned to."
"Well, you can't."
"Why not?"
"Because he's a Republican"
"And…"
"And…he's the son of a Republican."
"Are there any reasons that don't derive out of his or his family's political affiliations?"
"Sure…his family didn't vote for the President."
"Well, ok then." Tori began to walk away again, but was followed by Josh.
"No, seriously, this is bad."
"Why? Do you think he's dating me to find out some secret Democratic strategy? Because, even if there was one, which I know there isn't, I wouldn't know the first thing about it and I really doubt that he would care about it."
"No, because I don't like his family and this is just another thing that Senator Jackson can use against me."
"Listen, I'm not dating Mark Jackson out of spite for you, or out some kind of inherent need to rebel. I'm dating him because he likes the same music I like, and he likes to do the same things that I do and he makes me happy. And as far as I know, that why he's dating me too-so I would appreciate it if you could just accept this current relationship of mine so that it perhaps won't go down in flames like the rest of them have."
"Okay." Josh relented, sighed inwardly. "Just promise me, you'll date a democrat before I die, okay?"
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"They're all too much like you." She grinned at him, and before she left she added, "Oh, by the way I think the Jackson family is inviting us to have dinner with them some time next week, so keep your schedule open. I'll tell Donna." And then left Josh gap mouthed without the time to properly protest.
Transferring to Georgetown was the only way Tori could cope with nearly losing Josh forever. Come fall, she couldn't stand the thought of having to leave him for weeks on end, even though she knew the freedom she had in Penn would now just a memory. But for all Tori gave up in her privacy, she was rewarded with now being able to secure her ties to Zoey and her father. There was comfort in Georgetown, thought she was confined. And though Tori missed Eric, Jon and Julia she found the opportunities for her as a performing artist rivaled those she encountered in Penn. The bustling music scene provided her with ten times the venues and gigs then before. But with that increase of opportunities for creativity came the increase opportunity to find trouble. She was no longer afraid of the ways to escape the confinement; seeking freedom in her mind, even if it was often induced by pot or alcohol became a way out for her. Living with the fright of losing someone every time she closed her eyes was softened by the hazy highs she found on the weekends. She did it not to rebel against her father but to find a way to help herself when she knew that he could not.
Sometimes, though, Tori felt that it wasn't enough. Dulling the pain was not as good was numbing it, filling the emptiness halfway wasn't as good was ridding her body of it. And so she secretly sought something darker, something more filling for her ever increasing appetite.
One nighttime in December found her at Mark's mansion in Maryland, sitting in his living room, vacant of every family member but Mark himself and Tori lying on top of him, wearing his Georgetown shirt. The room was dark, filled with the night without the millions of eyes of the stars.
"Feeling adventurous tonight?" He asked running his hands up the shirt, over her bare back. She smelled his heroin breath and felt foreshadowing needles scratch her in the dark; she saw two sitting on the table under the only light in the whole room. The silver needles sparkled with a dangerous beauty, the clear liquid inside looked so clean and Tori immediately wanted to dive into it.
"I'm feeling lonely tonight." She answered, reaching up and grabbing the syringes. "You're parents not coming home tonight?"
"Not until late." He sat up, pushing Tori off.
"Sounds like my house. That's why I moved out." She wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, "I'm always alone that way."
"Not tonight." Mark grinned, as he injected the liquid into Tori's arm.
But the darkness was too dark for Tori, the warmth was too warm. She felt tired rather than comforted, heavy instead of relaxed. Nothing was her own in this state; her emotions were gone and replaced by an unnatural glow. She didn't like the stinging in her arm or the bruise it left her the next day when she woke up, mouth dry and brain hazy in Mark's bed room. Struggling to get dressed, Tori felt a need for the drug, even though she didn't like what it did to her. She left before Mark came out of his stupor, shaking slightly and felt emptier than before. Looking at her shadowed face in her rear-view mirror, (it refusing to be warmed by the autumn morning/afternoon/evening light) Tori's fogged brain muttered to close off that method of sedation. She didn't need to be drained of any more emotions than she had already been drained of. Search for something better was the only coherent thought she had that day, as she drove back to her apartment, knowing that her roommate (what was her name again?) would be out with Charlie for the day. Why that name came out with moderate coherence, while her other connections seemed dangling by ripped satin ribbons, Tori hadn't the energy to figure out. So she went back to her empty apartment and slept off her new hunger.
In the morning, Tori woke up to Zoey knocking on her bedroom door. Drowsy, she got up and opened the door, where Zoey stood, a phone in her hand.
"It's Josh, he says Happy Hanukkah."
Tori stared at her for a moment as the realization hit her. She slowly took the phone, "Happy Hanukkah, Dad." Tori said finally.
"Come over and we can light the menorah together."
"Okay." Tori smiled a little - that was at least something Donna couldn't help him do. So Tori drove over to her father's apartment and together they light the first candle and prayed,
"Baruch ata Adonai elohanu melech ha olam, asher kiddishanu b'mitzvotav v'tzivanu l'hadlik ner shel Hanukkah.
"Baruch ata Adonai elohanu melech ha olam, she asa nisim l'avoteinu, bayamim ha-hem, bazman ha zeh.
"Baruch ata Adonai, elohanu melech ha olam, sheheheyanu, v'kiyimanu, v'higiyanu, lazman ha zeh."
And hoped that everything they said was true.
That evening, Tori was cooking latkes and fried turkey. Josh had invited Toby, because not only was it untraditional to celebrate alone it was very lonesome. He also invited Donna because she had little else better to do that evening.
When Tori arrived at Josh's apartment, he opened the door with a victorious grin on his face.
"What?" She asked, smiling herself, infected with his happiness.
"Come and see your present." He opened the door wider, which reveled an upright piano, shoved against a wall that was previous covered by a bookcase.
"Oh my God!" She cried, holding a hand to her mouth, staring at her first real piano in all of its dark maple glory. She turned, and threw her arms around her father and muttered, "Thank you!" before rushing to the piano and beginning to examine it.
Josh sat on the back of the couch and watched her, feeling the heavy sadness of the past three weeks lift for a moment, feeling the scar on his chest vanish and time move back three months before he was shot and their whole world came crashing down around them.
Toby came bearing jelly doughnuts (which were immediately stolen by Tori) as well as Sam and C.J.
"I hope you don't mind that I brought more company."
"Of course not - I just hope we have enough food." Josh answered, smiling and happier then he had been in a long time.
"We should be okay. But these doughnuts are off limits until dessert." Tori called from the kitchen.
After dinner (which was assembled with the help of C.J., Donna, and supposedly Sam, who mostly stood in the background and made encouraging comments), everyone helped themselves to the jelly doughnuts while Tori played "Mi Yimalel" on her new piano.
"Toby, you should sing." C.J. offered, "Since you're one of only three people in this room who actually know the words."
"No." Toby said, gruffly.
"Oh, come on! Get in the spirit of the season!" Sam added, eyes twinkling with good humor.
"No!" He re-emphasized.
"Oh, I'll do it!" Tori called, before beginning, "Mi yimalel g'vurot Yisrael/Otan mi yimneh?/ Hein b'khol dor yakum hagibor, go-el ha-am." Who can retell the things that befell us, who can count them?/In every age a hero or sage came to our aid
"It's probably better we didn't hear either of them anyways." Sam joked, as Tori's melodious voice rose through the room.
"Mi yemalel g'vurot Yisra-el/Otan mi yimneh/ Hein b'khol dor yakum hagibor, go-el ha-am." Who can retell the things that befell us, who can count them? /In every age a hero or sage came to our aid
"Yeah, we didn't want to hear you sing anyway." Donna said, turning to Josh. But she was not meet by an arrogant remark. Rather what she saw was an ashen face, and eyes that stared into the horrors of the past.
"Sh'ma! Ba-yamim ha-heim ba-z'man hazeh/Maccabee moshiya u'fodeh" Hear! In days of yore in Israel's ancient land/Maccabeus led the faithful band
Josh was lost in Rosslyn, lost in the darkness of his pain and the sounds of the sirens…the sirens that almost sounded like Tori's voice. He gripped his scar, now bleeding the memory, and unable to be healed by reality.
"U'v'yameinu kol am Yisrael/Yitacheid yakum l'higa-el." Now all Israel must as one arise/Redeem itself through deed and sacrifice.
When the piano stopped, Josh excused himself and went to the bathroom, splashing his face with water, hoping the wash away Rossylyn, like the doctors washed away the blood. But his reliving of those moments couldn't be drained down the sink, just merely pushed aside and hidden behind the mask of his recovery.
It was December 23rd and the Congressional Party where cellos and gunshots filled Josh's ears and he sought sanctuary in his apartment. The darkness seemed contained in the apartment, contained within Josh, contained within his scar. Stumbling towards the window, he thought to break the pain, fall into the night and be consumed by the stars.
Shattered glass mixed with blood, mixed with Josh's agony and confinement. He wanted to die because he had lost the ability to move forward in life.
"Oh boy…Oh God…" Josh's bear breaths the words and then suddenly there was a voice.
"Dad? Dad?" Tori's muffled calls pounded against the wood, into Josh's mind. "Dad, open the door I forgot my key!" Her cries were becoming loud, frantic, panicked. "DAD! DAD!" Josh just stared at the door, blood staining his white shirt and tie, sirens within his mind. "Dad, can you hear me? Open the fucking door!" Her fists were pelting the door, "Don't do this to me…please…daddy…" Josh finally opened the door and Tori fell in on him. The warm blood touched her cold skin, and she pulled away and stared at his hand, and then at the broken window. He was going to leave her…
As Tori drove Josh to the emergency room, the voices that filled the night were silenced as memories and fears invaded her mind. Snow lined the streets white, made the night seem darker, the stars seem less bright…how could he leave her like this?
Christmas Eve came, Dr. Keyworth came and Josh's disease came. Induced by music, Keyworth told him, it sounds like sirens. Josh came home and stared at the new piano, not even a week old, Hanukkah sheet music standing out white against the dark surface. Tori would be devastated.
She didn't say anything when he told her; she just nodded and started to cry. Music defeats him again, again, again…and now she truly was alone, alone with her music and for once without her father. How would he make it back to her?