Chapter 10 – Silence is Golden by Garbage
A/N: Warning!! Chapter contains adult matters (namely sexual assault)
if I am silent
Then I am not real
If I speak up then
No one will hear
If I wear a mask there's
Somewhere to hide
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins
If I raise my voice
Will someone get hurt?
And if I can feel it
I won't get touched
If no truce was spoken
Then no lies can hide
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins
Silence is golden
Nobody gets in
Safe in my own skin
So nobody wins
Did you hear me speak?
Do you understand?
Did you hear my voice?
Will you hold my hand?
Do you understand me?
Won't someone listen
Nobody gets in
My body's a temple
But nothing is simple
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Something was stolen
Safe in my own skin
Safe in my own skin
Won't someone listen
My body's a temple
But nothing is simple
My body's a temple
But nothing is simple
Something was stolen
I have been broken
I have been broken
Silence is golden
I have been broken
Safe in my own skin
"Do you want to see the guest list for the fund raiser?" C.J. asked Toby, holding out said piece of paper.
"No, but I will." Toby took the paper and scanned it over quickly, but his eyes stopped at a certain name. "Richard Firman is coming?"
"Yes, he called and confirmed a few days ago. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Is he in D.C. yet?"
"I doubt it; the fund raiser isn't for another week."
Toby paused, considering whether to divulge his instincts or not. Finally, he said, "No." But as C.J. left his office, something was biting him in the back of his mind. A distinct what if feeling was sweeping over him, then washing away and then coming back and finally, with a jolt, Toby got up and made his way to Josh's office.
"I don't want Richard Firman at the fund raiser."
"What? Why? He's our biggest individual donator."
"This is going to sound…well…I didn't like the way he looked at Tori."
"What?"
"Your daughter, I didn't like the way he looked at her."
Josh was looking at Toby with skeptical eyes.
"Tori's not even going to be at fund raiser…are you worried that…"
"I don't know, I just don't like the man and would prefer he wasn't in D.C."
"Oh, well…" Josh's voice faded out considering what Toby had just said. "you know we need his money…"
"I know, but don't you think, just for once, integrity should hold more weight then the size of his wallet?"
"Toby, we can't just call Firman and tell him 'well, you can't come because Toby thinks you're kinda of sleazy'. If we alienate and insult him, we're going to lose his support." Josh watched Toby, the internal debate raging, his eyes darker and his face near emotionless but for a slight wrinkle in his forehead.
"You're right." Toby said, and then left abruptly. Josh sat back down at his desk and wondered why he always had to choose between being a good father and a good politician, and knowing that they wouldn't ever be one in the same.
Wednesday nights were calm nights for Tori and Zoey, nights when they could diffuse until Thursday. Often they went to see opening movies; the darkness of the theater usually concealed them giving them the anonymity that they rarely experienced.
Walking out of the theater one night, laughing their way home, their mirth was disrupted by an unwanted face. Richard Firmen was stalking towards them, and Tori immediately averted her eyes, and moved closer to Zoey and Gina. She felt his gaze as he moved past and tried to immediately push his whiskey voice and dark look out of her mind.
The next day was the busiest day of the week for Tori. The Music Center, where Tori volunteered, was a place where underprivileged kids could come to take music lessons for free. Tori was the head piano instructor, and as such, took on much heavier responsibilities then the other piano instructors. Thankfully, she shared this weight with the other six head instructors, but was still responsible for putting in a full eight hours on Thursdays rather then her usual one.
It was a little past six when she was heading out of the Center, mind racing and eyes glued to the sidewalk, so her thoughts could run rampage through her mind without the distractions of the street and its dangers.
Sara, a student Tori had taught for five years, just confided her worst secret; Sara was pregnant and without a father for her baby. Tori stumbled towards her car, concentration delved into a realm she had never seen before. Perhaps that was why she never heard the deep, oily voice in her ear until it was too late…
"Toby!" Bonnie thruster her head into Toby's office, "Please don't yell at me, but I just remembered that you had a message from this morning from Greg Marks telling you that the new questions for the polls are in and need to be looked at."
"Bonnie…" Toby's voice was thick with annoyance, but Bonnie cut him off,
"He's staying at the Hyatt, and I just called and he said that you could meet him there in twenty minutes." Bonnie barely finished her sentence before Toby had grabbed his coat and was out the door.
Tori's mind was blurred, words racing over images, emotions overriding reason…her whole being telling her that this couldn't be happening…but then it was. Then there was gun concealed, gentling pressing into her back as her body fumbled its way around a hotel lobby she knew but couldn't remember…only the word victim screamed inside her head…victim and in those first moments she felt herself hoping to refuse residing to the name.
There were thoughts that came into her mind, while this greasy, clean cut man stripped her of the title of normal and left her naked but for the sheen of tragedy that covered her skin. But, as he stole away all of the remaining purity inside of her, Tori had but one option, wear the mask of silence and wear it well. All Tori allowed think about was why? Tragedy seemed to pleasure itself in seeing everything her soul contained drained but for a silent rage that now boiled inside. Why am I always the victim?
Body broken, temple raided she managed her way to the door, limbs sore, body aching and face emotionless. Nothing was left in this shell that used to be Tori.
Toby walked into the Hyatt expecting nothing more then a few papers with questions like: Do you approve or disapprove of the job Jeb Bartlet is doing as president? But what he really found was Tori, limping as if her whole body was too heavy to support through the lobby. His mind shut off all reason to allow the flow of violent wrath to have room to flood.
"What has he done to you?" Toby's yells lit the lobby on fire; his anger was absorbing the anger that Tori held boiling inside. Toby didn't need an answer from her, the stone faced disbelieve, the face that read victim was all the answer he needed. He hollered at the front desk, call the police, arrest Richard Firman…Toby's rage was releasing itself in manic yells and charging back with the thoughts of how Fiman would suffer for this crime…but mostly, Toby yelled so that the voice in his head that said what if could be silenced.
Josh was at the hospital again, this time clutching his daughter, hoping that the tighter he held her the more he could protect her against the world, hoping that his embrace could speak all of the words the lump in his throat could not. When she did not say anything, the doctors said it was normal, the shock would wear off into heavy depression, they recommended a physiatrist; Josh said that he knew a couple already but knew that a few visits to the shrink wouldn't be able to recover what was stolen.
He knew now that this was what must bridge the gap between them; that each time tragedy hit they were pulled apart then haphazardly through back together. Tori lay her head on his shoulder and Josh muttered,
"I'm here now, it's okay. I promise I'll never try to leave you again." He knew now that it was a promise he would have to keep, their souls couldn't endure life without each other any longer, but he felt Tori pull away, for the first time in her life, she was walking towards the edge of the bridge, rather then trying to pull her father back from it.
Frightened and alone in her own mind, Tori felt herself being led to her father's car, led into her father's house, led into her old room, still vibrant with the burgundy pink paint, the eclectic decorations that spoke to Tori and told her what was suppose to be inside of her. But there was nothing now, nothing but the fury that lay low and unheard within her. She slept surprisingly well (maybe Valium helped) and woke up with the naïve hope that the darkness that grew overnight could be conquered by day. But a home forced to be silent, a home continuously silent…it was the quite that destroyed Tori, made her desire to fill the emptiness with noise, while Josh longed for that vacancy of remembrance, not being able to stand the overflow of memories that came with music. Both father and daughter suffered from their psychosis separately but identically.
"Don't blame yourself." Donna said softly to Josh that morning, handing him some papers and a sympathetic face. "There was nothing you could do…"
"No, Donna…there was everything I could have done and I did nothing." He didn't look at her as he grabbed the papers and mindlessly began to handle them. He saw Toby walk by the office door, face exactly like before, but with the furrowed brow of guilt instead of concern. They meet eyes; Toby not understanding the fatherly devastation that he saw in the endless amber of Josh's eyes, but he felt the culpability pulsing its way through both of their veins. Nothing we could have done, Toby thought to himself, but saving her from the tragedy he foresaw.
There wasn't any punishment on earth that could reverse what Richard Firman did to Tori, that punishment lay in the hands of God, and Josh received no satisfaction when Richard was thrown into jail months later and Tori was still vacant. But unknown to him, she was filling herself with substances that promised to make her feel lighthearted and weightless, promised to fill her head with such a high that she could forget that Richard Firman ever existed. No one could save her now, not Josh, not Toby, not Zoey…now that she was lost in a white powdered label that read victim nothing was going to stop her, not even her own need to be wanted. And Zoey watched her dissolve, desperate to repair the damage, afraid to expose the deception, eager to do what a best friend was suppose to do, but without anyone to turn to. Tori hadn't let go of Zoey; they clung to each other while the raving mad world spun around them, but Zoey knew that when she looked into Tori's eyes, that half of her had been stolen, and that the half she so desperately tried to reach, was so high in the sky that even the sun was unable to warm it.