Chapter 11 – Bottle up and Explode by Elliot Smith

bottle up and explode over and over keep the troublemaker below
put it away and check out for the day
and in for a round of overexposure
the thing mother nature provides to get up and go
bottle up and explode seeing the stars surrounding you
red white and blue
you look and him like you've never known him
but i know for a fact that you have
the last time you cried who'd you think was inside?
thinking that you were about to come over
but i'm tired now of waiting for you
you never show
bottle up and go, if you're gonna hide it's up to you
i'm coming through
bottle up and go, i can make it outside
i'll get though becoming you
becoming you
becoming you

            Zoey sometimes felt like that if she didn't tell somebody what was happening to Tori she would explode. But every time she felt the anxiety rising to the top of her throat, Tori came home smiling, and acted as if she had once again found life, to only, days later, have lost it again. This type of behavior carried on for a couple of months after the rape until one afternoon, Tori walked into their room and said,

            "I broke up with Mark."

Zoey, putting down her book, said, "Good, I didn't like him anyway."
            "No," Tori paused, "No, you wouldn't."

            "I just didn't think he was really…supportive of you, you know." Zoey looked at her best friend closely, but Tori's eyes were clear, her medicated smile gone, she just stood there, as clean and whole as one could be in her position. Zoey's heart was ripping with the knowledge that everything Tori was going through couldn't be helped by her, that the violence of existing as she did was due to poor mental stability being suffocated by horrible conditions. With pursed lips, and tears in her eye, Zoey stood up and embraced Tori, who felt the warmth of love gave her a momentary wholeness no drug could replace. With a sigh, Tori said,

            "Thank you for always being there for me."

            "Count on me always being there, okay?"

            "Okay."

* * *

            Sam was feeling alienated and disconnected. The drop in on the CARE speech was repeating itself over and over again in his head; echoing with such power that even his two beers couldn't silence it. The dim lights made his mind close off to the rest of the room, as he sat in a deep leather chair, vaguely noticing the other bodies that moved around him, each lost in their own agendas unaware of the lone man who had a bruised ego and no one to tend to it.

            Sometimes he missed Tori so much that he would risk everything to just talk to her, to find a way to head back to the campaign where everything was held in the space between their bodies as they talked in a hotel room. In the past, all of the feelings, their illicit future was contained in flirtatious, but innocent conversations where Tori always kept her distance, always sat while Sam always stood…in fact, Sam thought, Tori had always been reserved, always kept herself in check. But now, now that so much had happened Sam didn't know how she would act if he just showed up, lonely and hurt looking for nothing but the companionship she used to give him.

            Putting the bottle to his lips, but not drinking, he felt the need to find Tori, the old Tori, the Tori he knew three, almost four years ago, and he thought he might explode if he couldn't.

            Walking hastily through the streets, Sam left Toby and the sitting audience in the bar, searching and searching for why he still waited for the past to come back, knowing that it never would, knowing that what he now attempted was stupid and dangerous, necessary and innocent. Reaching Tori and Zoey's apartment building, Sam stood on the street, the stars surrounding him like thousands of tiny reasons for why he shouldn't step inside, but the darkness was over taking reason and he made a move after several minutes towards the door, when suddenly it opened.

            "Sam! What are you doing here?" Zoey stepped out, her wool coat unbuttoned, and her car keys dangling from her fingers.

            "I…uh…" Sam scanned the environment for an answer and found nothing but a pair of eyes that shined like stars from a window several stories up. "I…er…wanted to see how Tori was…" Sam watched Zoey's eyes darken with understanding.

            "Sam, I don't think she should see you." Her voice was questioning, like she wasn't quite sure she had the right answer.

            "Is she that bad?"

            "She's been holding everything in, you know. And I think if she saw you…it might all come exploding out." Zoey bit her lip, unsure and worried. Sam opened his mouth to argue, but decided against it. He looked up to the window and saw a flash of black hair retreating back into hiding. Curtly nodding, Sam began to walk away, knowing that she was avoiding what was potentially the only way to heal. She couldn't always run from her demons, and here was an angel willing to become her, to find her, to rescue her.

            Zoey, stepping into her car, questioned everything she just did. It wasn't healthy for Tori to hide from the darkness inside of her, even if now she was clean of the substances that helped her blanket the pain. But Sam wasn't the one who was going to force her back into the light, Zoey knew that. The burden, the responsibility of entering into Tori's silence was all Zoey's, and even though Sam and Josh were both filled with love and concern for Tori, Zoey knew that she was the only one who truly would be there for her tonight, tomorrow morning and every day and night after that. Becoming Tori, entering Tori, was Zoey's concern and everything that plagued and haunted her, needed to be concealed from their fathers; rage had already landed a prominent Bartlet supporter in jail; rage had already defaced him and consumed his accuser with guilt. Yes, Zoey thought as she drove to some unknown destination, she was only one would wouldn't let Tori bottle up and explode with the hurtful and harmful emotions, she would help her in the only way she could, by just being there, like she had always been there, and promised herself and her best friend, would always be there.