{*Tsuzuki-chan walks out on stage and holds up a sign that says: "Yo yo
yo, minna-san! I decided to write this before continuing with "The Random
Adventures of Schwarz" Walmart thing. This just kinda came to me..."*}
Story Time with Knives-sama and Friends (Another TV Special)!!! by Seiichiro Tatsumi (Tsuzuki-chan)
((Shots of a countryside/woods area are shown and the narrator, Midvalley, speaks.))
MIDVALLEY: Uh....Once upon a time...um, there was some stuff, then some crap happened, people died, and happily ever after. The end.
((Gun shots can be heard))
MIDVALLEY: SHIT!!! I know we need more money, but damn! ((Clears throat)) Um, once upon a time there was a family. ((the camera goes to a house)) They lived in the woods. Actually, it was a father, ((Wolfwood walks out, in a lumberjack-esque outfit. He also has a fake beard)) and his two ....lovely.... children... ((camera goes to Knives, who is in shorts and t-shirt, and Legato, who is in poofy dress with his hair in pigtails. And, of course, they're making out like crazy)). Well, they were happy.
WOLFWOOD: ((whispering)) Hey, you're s'posta be brother and... sister. This is--
KNIVES: ((whispering)) It's like twinsest, right?
WOLFWOOD: ((whispering)) Well, true-- hey! ((Knives and Legato continue)) Children are watching this!!!
KNIVES: ((whispering)) So? It's sex-ed!!! AND I don't think we look much like kids.
LEGATO: ((whispering)) You dare question His word, Chapel?!
WOLFWOOD: ((whispering)) No.
KNIVES: ((whispering)) Good!
WOLFWOOD: ((whispering)) Um, I guess we should get this over with...Midvalley...please continue...
MIDVALLEY: Well, one day... the father came told his kids that they'd have a stepmother.
WOLFWOOD: Hey, Knives and blue-haired female. I've gotten hitched.
KNIVES: So?
LEGATO: Fuck off, Chapel, er... Please leave us alone, daddy dearest.
KNIVES: Who's our....mommy...((looks behind Wolfwood)) ..... ((snicker)) Oh, my dear lord...((starts cracking up completely))
LEGATO: Na? ((looks at what Knives is looking at)) Sweet Jesus! ((cracks up))
WOLFWOOD: ((bites lip)) Um, yeah. This is...((snicker)) your....stepmother....Caine.
((Caine the Longshot walks out and is in HORRIBLE drag.))
CAINE: ....
WOLFWOOD: ((whispers)) Exactly.
MIDVALLEY: Their new stepmother was very mean and cruel to them, but their father never saw anything.
((Wolfwood strolls off camera, and Caine, Knives, and Legato are just standing there.))
((long pause))
LEGATO: Well, hit us or something.
CAINE: ((looks horrified at the thought, and shakes his head))
KNIVES: Just tap us on the head. Fake it.
((Caine walks over to Knives and Legato, and taps both of them on the head. Both do overly dramatic falls, and somehow, Legato head falls conveniently near Knives' crotch. His hand moves to the fly of Knives' shorts. Caine walks off camera, in this same direction as Wolfwood.))
MIDVALLEY: Uh... After that life-scarring experience, Knives came up with a plan.
KNIVES: ((taps Legato)) Not right now, sex kitten.
LEGATO: But...Master...
KNIVES: ((winks)) Later.
LEGATO: Yay!
KNIVES: Well, we have to get out of here. She abuses us.
LEGATO: What do we do?
KNIVES: Let's run for it.
LEGATO: Okay.
((Knives and Legato make a mad dash for the woods))
MIDVALLEY: Well, the kids went out into the forest. The boy had brought some bread and left a trail of crumbs in case the got lost.
((Knives is throwing chunks of bread on the ground, and Legato eyes them))
LEGATO: ....Food. Why does the script call for us to waste food? ((picks up a chunk of bread and eats it)) It's tasty. Mmmmm.... Sweet carbohydrates ease the pain of living...
KNIVES: Um, do you know what's been on the ground?
LEGATO: Not really. Nor do I care. Plus this is a set. We live on a desert planet. Do we really have trees like this that naturally occur?
KNIVES: Point. But you're not suppost to eat the bread.
LEGATO: ((suggestively)) What can I eat?
KNIVES: ((purrs)) Remember? We have to save that for later...
LEGATO: Damn.
((The two continue to walk.))
KNIVES: I was thinking, it's just a random thought... I've never really payed attention to this, but... Is your hair really blue?
LEGATO: Of course, Master. Do you want me to change it?
KNIVES: Not at all. But your hair is naturally blue, so...
LEGATO: ((blushes and stops)) Yes, Master... All of my hair is blue. ((Back faces camera, and he lifts up his dress so the veiwers don't see anything)).
KNIVES: Damn, you've even got girl's panties on! Damn, that's makin' me horny!
LEGATO: ((suggestively)) That's not the only hair that's blue. But we have to save that for later.
KNIVES: Aw...
((Legato puts his dress down, and they continue to walk.))
MIDVALLEY: ((whispers)) Holy crap! Did Legato just have Powerpuff girl under--((normal speaking voice)) OH! Uh, the two kids walked and walked, until they came to a candy house.
((Knives and Legato come up to a candy house. Legato starts to cry tears of joy, and dives onto the house.))
LEGATO: Kick ass! ((eating house))
KNIVES: ((blinks)) Is it good? (( walks over slowly))
LEGATO: Of course! It's FOOD! ((takes off part of the wall)) Ginger bread...mmmmm....((eats)).
MIDVALLEY: Then an evil drag queen, er, witch came out of the house.
((The door of the house flies open, smacking Legato right off the porch. Elendira the Crimsonnail walks out in the stereotypical witch outfit.))
LEGATO: ((stands up)) Listen, bitch...
ELENDIRA: Oh ho ho ho ho!!! Welcome to my humble adobe! I'll give you more sweets if you go inside and eat with me!
LEGATO: I know what you want to do!!! And Master would prefer me to eat him than you! ((grabs onto Knives protectively))
KNIVES: ((whispering)) We have to go in, it's in the script.
LEGATO: ((groans)) Okay, let's go.
((The three of them go inside the house, where Elendira pushes Legato into the very familiar box-coffin thingie he's in for Trigun Maximum and locks it, and handcuffs Knives to his bed.))
LEGATO: This isn't the manga, skank!
ELENDIRA: If it isn't, explain why I'm here.
LEGATO: ....
KNIVES: Hey.. this wasn't in the script...
((Elendira pushes a plate full of food in front of Legato, and he starts to eat...without hands of course. Insert images from Trigun Maximum Volume 2 here.))
KNIVES: Damn. That's...interesting. Hey! Elendira! You're taking off my shorts!
ELENDIRA: That's right, Master...
LEGATO: ((Looks up from food, has a whole hamburger in his mouth, and his eyes widen with horror. He quickly swallows the hamburger, and breaks out of the coffin-box thing.)) HOLD IT, EVIL WITCH!
KNIVES: ((Eyes all watery and shoujo anime-ish)) Legato!
ELENDIRA: ((Gets off of Knives)) Okay, you blue-haired whore! Time to die!!!
LEGATO: Bring it, slut!
((Legato lunges at Elendira, pushing her over the bed. Elendira pulls on Legato's hair, and Legato bites Elendira's hand. It's a pretty bloody scene. Dresses are torn, make-up is smudged. Legato picks up Elendira, and throws him against a wall. Elendira runs to tackle Legato, but he dodges, sending Elendira into a giant oven. Legato closes the door, and helps Knives with the handcuffs.))
KNIVES: That was a little graphic for children's television.
LEGATO: He was all tryin' ta get mah man, ya know?
KNIVES: Uh, yeah.
LEGATO: ((smiles)) Okay!
MIDVALLEY: ((whispering)) That was truely disturbing. ((normal voice level)) Uh, the two kids left the evil witch's house, where they found their dad outside.
((Knives and Legato walk outside the house to see Wolfwood standing there, still dressed in the lumberjack outfit. Knives takes this time to zip up his pants, and Legato takes off part of the house and eats it.))
WOLFWOOD: Um, I'm here to take you home.
KNIVES: Is that bi--er, is our stepmother still there.
WOLFWOOD: No, I ditched her.
LEGATO: ((munch munch)) Good for you. ((munch munch)) Bros before hos.
WOLFWOOD: Yeah.... Thank you... daughter dear.
LEGATO: No problem. ((munch munch))
((all three of them walk off camera, and the words "The End" appear.))
MIDVALLEY: The end. Thank god.
Story Time with Knives-sama and Friends (Another TV Special)!!! by Seiichiro Tatsumi (Tsuzuki-chan)
((Shots of a countryside/woods area are shown and the narrator, Midvalley, speaks.))
MIDVALLEY: Uh....Once upon a time...um, there was some stuff, then some crap happened, people died, and happily ever after. The end.
((Gun shots can be heard))
MIDVALLEY: SHIT!!! I know we need more money, but damn! ((Clears throat)) Um, once upon a time there was a family. ((the camera goes to a house)) They lived in the woods. Actually, it was a father, ((Wolfwood walks out, in a lumberjack-esque outfit. He also has a fake beard)) and his two ....lovely.... children... ((camera goes to Knives, who is in shorts and t-shirt, and Legato, who is in poofy dress with his hair in pigtails. And, of course, they're making out like crazy)). Well, they were happy.
WOLFWOOD: ((whispering)) Hey, you're s'posta be brother and... sister. This is--
KNIVES: ((whispering)) It's like twinsest, right?
WOLFWOOD: ((whispering)) Well, true-- hey! ((Knives and Legato continue)) Children are watching this!!!
KNIVES: ((whispering)) So? It's sex-ed!!! AND I don't think we look much like kids.
LEGATO: ((whispering)) You dare question His word, Chapel?!
WOLFWOOD: ((whispering)) No.
KNIVES: ((whispering)) Good!
WOLFWOOD: ((whispering)) Um, I guess we should get this over with...Midvalley...please continue...
MIDVALLEY: Well, one day... the father came told his kids that they'd have a stepmother.
WOLFWOOD: Hey, Knives and blue-haired female. I've gotten hitched.
KNIVES: So?
LEGATO: Fuck off, Chapel, er... Please leave us alone, daddy dearest.
KNIVES: Who's our....mommy...((looks behind Wolfwood)) ..... ((snicker)) Oh, my dear lord...((starts cracking up completely))
LEGATO: Na? ((looks at what Knives is looking at)) Sweet Jesus! ((cracks up))
WOLFWOOD: ((bites lip)) Um, yeah. This is...((snicker)) your....stepmother....Caine.
((Caine the Longshot walks out and is in HORRIBLE drag.))
CAINE: ....
WOLFWOOD: ((whispers)) Exactly.
MIDVALLEY: Their new stepmother was very mean and cruel to them, but their father never saw anything.
((Wolfwood strolls off camera, and Caine, Knives, and Legato are just standing there.))
((long pause))
LEGATO: Well, hit us or something.
CAINE: ((looks horrified at the thought, and shakes his head))
KNIVES: Just tap us on the head. Fake it.
((Caine walks over to Knives and Legato, and taps both of them on the head. Both do overly dramatic falls, and somehow, Legato head falls conveniently near Knives' crotch. His hand moves to the fly of Knives' shorts. Caine walks off camera, in this same direction as Wolfwood.))
MIDVALLEY: Uh... After that life-scarring experience, Knives came up with a plan.
KNIVES: ((taps Legato)) Not right now, sex kitten.
LEGATO: But...Master...
KNIVES: ((winks)) Later.
LEGATO: Yay!
KNIVES: Well, we have to get out of here. She abuses us.
LEGATO: What do we do?
KNIVES: Let's run for it.
LEGATO: Okay.
((Knives and Legato make a mad dash for the woods))
MIDVALLEY: Well, the kids went out into the forest. The boy had brought some bread and left a trail of crumbs in case the got lost.
((Knives is throwing chunks of bread on the ground, and Legato eyes them))
LEGATO: ....Food. Why does the script call for us to waste food? ((picks up a chunk of bread and eats it)) It's tasty. Mmmmm.... Sweet carbohydrates ease the pain of living...
KNIVES: Um, do you know what's been on the ground?
LEGATO: Not really. Nor do I care. Plus this is a set. We live on a desert planet. Do we really have trees like this that naturally occur?
KNIVES: Point. But you're not suppost to eat the bread.
LEGATO: ((suggestively)) What can I eat?
KNIVES: ((purrs)) Remember? We have to save that for later...
LEGATO: Damn.
((The two continue to walk.))
KNIVES: I was thinking, it's just a random thought... I've never really payed attention to this, but... Is your hair really blue?
LEGATO: Of course, Master. Do you want me to change it?
KNIVES: Not at all. But your hair is naturally blue, so...
LEGATO: ((blushes and stops)) Yes, Master... All of my hair is blue. ((Back faces camera, and he lifts up his dress so the veiwers don't see anything)).
KNIVES: Damn, you've even got girl's panties on! Damn, that's makin' me horny!
LEGATO: ((suggestively)) That's not the only hair that's blue. But we have to save that for later.
KNIVES: Aw...
((Legato puts his dress down, and they continue to walk.))
MIDVALLEY: ((whispers)) Holy crap! Did Legato just have Powerpuff girl under--((normal speaking voice)) OH! Uh, the two kids walked and walked, until they came to a candy house.
((Knives and Legato come up to a candy house. Legato starts to cry tears of joy, and dives onto the house.))
LEGATO: Kick ass! ((eating house))
KNIVES: ((blinks)) Is it good? (( walks over slowly))
LEGATO: Of course! It's FOOD! ((takes off part of the wall)) Ginger bread...mmmmm....((eats)).
MIDVALLEY: Then an evil drag queen, er, witch came out of the house.
((The door of the house flies open, smacking Legato right off the porch. Elendira the Crimsonnail walks out in the stereotypical witch outfit.))
LEGATO: ((stands up)) Listen, bitch...
ELENDIRA: Oh ho ho ho ho!!! Welcome to my humble adobe! I'll give you more sweets if you go inside and eat with me!
LEGATO: I know what you want to do!!! And Master would prefer me to eat him than you! ((grabs onto Knives protectively))
KNIVES: ((whispering)) We have to go in, it's in the script.
LEGATO: ((groans)) Okay, let's go.
((The three of them go inside the house, where Elendira pushes Legato into the very familiar box-coffin thingie he's in for Trigun Maximum and locks it, and handcuffs Knives to his bed.))
LEGATO: This isn't the manga, skank!
ELENDIRA: If it isn't, explain why I'm here.
LEGATO: ....
KNIVES: Hey.. this wasn't in the script...
((Elendira pushes a plate full of food in front of Legato, and he starts to eat...without hands of course. Insert images from Trigun Maximum Volume 2 here.))
KNIVES: Damn. That's...interesting. Hey! Elendira! You're taking off my shorts!
ELENDIRA: That's right, Master...
LEGATO: ((Looks up from food, has a whole hamburger in his mouth, and his eyes widen with horror. He quickly swallows the hamburger, and breaks out of the coffin-box thing.)) HOLD IT, EVIL WITCH!
KNIVES: ((Eyes all watery and shoujo anime-ish)) Legato!
ELENDIRA: ((Gets off of Knives)) Okay, you blue-haired whore! Time to die!!!
LEGATO: Bring it, slut!
((Legato lunges at Elendira, pushing her over the bed. Elendira pulls on Legato's hair, and Legato bites Elendira's hand. It's a pretty bloody scene. Dresses are torn, make-up is smudged. Legato picks up Elendira, and throws him against a wall. Elendira runs to tackle Legato, but he dodges, sending Elendira into a giant oven. Legato closes the door, and helps Knives with the handcuffs.))
KNIVES: That was a little graphic for children's television.
LEGATO: He was all tryin' ta get mah man, ya know?
KNIVES: Uh, yeah.
LEGATO: ((smiles)) Okay!
MIDVALLEY: ((whispering)) That was truely disturbing. ((normal voice level)) Uh, the two kids left the evil witch's house, where they found their dad outside.
((Knives and Legato walk outside the house to see Wolfwood standing there, still dressed in the lumberjack outfit. Knives takes this time to zip up his pants, and Legato takes off part of the house and eats it.))
WOLFWOOD: Um, I'm here to take you home.
KNIVES: Is that bi--er, is our stepmother still there.
WOLFWOOD: No, I ditched her.
LEGATO: ((munch munch)) Good for you. ((munch munch)) Bros before hos.
WOLFWOOD: Yeah.... Thank you... daughter dear.
LEGATO: No problem. ((munch munch))
((all three of them walk off camera, and the words "The End" appear.))
MIDVALLEY: The end. Thank god.