Chapter 13 – Live in a Hiding Place – Idlewild
There are times that I should try, to be so much more alive
But if time was right then I would be with you again
Or do you worry that I try to avoid the point and then deny
The time I spent deciding it was you again
It's when I
live in a hiding place
It's the only way I feel safe
When I'm safe in a hiding place
(that's not
hidden now)
I'm safe in a hiding place
It's the only way I feel safe
When I'm safe in a hiding place
And you're
full of facts but not things that could add up to words
Think about meaning more as an after word
As in afterward
I return but
don't remain, I'm impatient for a reason
To complain about winter, making me see through again
Or is it your damaged reply, that makes me realise that
The more I try the less that plans will help me
comprehend again
That's why I
live in a hiding place
It's the only way I feel safe
When I'm safe in a hiding place
(that's
not hidden now)
I'm safe in a hiding place
It's the only way I feel safe
When I live in a hiding place
And you're full
of facts but not things that could add up to words
You think about meaning more as an after word
And you're full of facts but not things that could
add up to words
You think about meaning more as an after word
As in afterward
The lamplight flooded Tori's desk, spilling on to the floor, creeping up the walls and casting shadows across the room, where she could not see them but felt their presence nonetheless. Illuminated words filled her mind, then flowed through her pen on to paper, filtered and analyzed by her jittery mind, and soon the paper was filled with scratchy lines about how Ritie was misplaced in the world, how she managed to hold on to an identity that was nearly stolen while the poem echoed in Tori's mind "What you looking at me for? I didn't come to stay ... "
"Tori!" Zoey's voice shattered the resounding, bouncing thoughts, and Tori called back,
"I'm in my room!" and turned, anticipating Zoey to come through the door at any moment.
"Watcha doing?" She asked, coming just as Tori expected.
"Notes for African American Literature 45."
"Ugh. Every day you remind me how happy I am that I decided not to major in Comparative Literature."
"But just think how neat it would be to have all of your classes with me!" Tori joked.
"I think I'll stick to French."
"Yeah, well, I don't like it that much either, but you know Georgetown doesn't even offer a music major like Penn did." Tori sighed, and closed her copy of I Know Why the Cage Bird Sings. "Which I think is half the reason why my dad was so happy that I decided to transfer here. At Penn, the major was intended for students who wanted to pursue music as a career; here music study mostly focused on theory and history."
"Which is what Josh wishes you'd want to do."
"Basically." Both girls paused, knowing that they could possible be opening a wound that never fully healed, and Zoey quickly pushed on, trying to move off the topic.
"I did have a reason for interrupting your homework. They're going to be screening a movie tonight in the White House theater, my dad wants me to come, you wanna come too?"
"Sure, I need a break from this anyways." She motioned to the book, which Zoey hadn't noticed until now; she read the title and felt the grim perfection of it. Tori watched her and said,
"I find it comforting, really." Her voice was soft, almost indignant, as if she had to justify her passion for the book.
"That's good." Zoey said sincerely, and the two girls sat there for another moment, feeling their friendship strengthen and solidify, feeling the foundation of comfort and history between them and knowing that, for now, it wasn't going to be broken.
Tori sat with her father in the movie theater (the girls decided to grace their father with their presence) and wondered how long it had been since she had sat with her father for this long a time span. Weeks, perhaps even months, since they had had more then an hour here and there to see each other. The strength of their relationship, once, twice, thrice founded on tragedy was now weakened because of it. Strange how 20 miles between their apartments made all of the difference, strange how much Tori pulled away at Josh's aggression and violence towards her rapists…the silence of Josh's apartment, though better for his disease was destroying his heart. But she was improving, ever so slightly, and Josh's heart was lightened at the sight of his daughter, safe and protected, sitting next to him in the White House.
When the movie was over and the lights came back on, ushering out the dark, Zoey raced up to Tori's seat and said,
"Me and Charlie – "
"Charlie and I," Sam corrected from his seat in front of Tori.
"Charlie and I," Zoey exaggerated the line, smiling, "are going out to a club, you want to come?"
"No, I have to finish those notes by tomorrow morning; I should get that done first."
"Okay, but we'll walk you back to the apartment, so you don't have to go alone." That was Tori's newest fear, walking alone at night.
"No, no you don't have to do that. I can walk her home." Josh said
"You can't, you have to work on the budget with Leo. I'll do it." Sam said with finality in his voice. Tori felt the butterflies run through her veins, then felt the anxiety rise in her throat.
"Gee, I feel so loved." She said softly, trying to hide her shaking voice, trying to avoid Sam's eyes. She felt Josh relax next to her – this was Sam, his best friend, the man he would trust with his life, with his daughters life and yet…
Sam and Tori walked out of the White House together, feeling pins and needles stab at the space between them, egging on the silence and completing the mutual attraction each still held for the other.
"How's school?" Sam asked as they came to the end of Pennsylvania Ave.
"Fine."
"Your classes going well?"
"Yeah." Tori was searching for the stars to fill the empty sky with lights, rather than the glow of the street lamp shading the sidewalk from the dark. She found one star, faded and small, far away over the apartment buildings, flickering weakly fighting its way out of the night. She took comfort in that star, knowing that the city's brightness was defeatable even if by a small victory.
"You would think after nearly a year, you'd stop trying to avoid me." His voice was hurt, bruised by Tori's avoidance of conversation.
"A lot has happened, Sam…"
"None of which would justify your trying to avoid me."
"Have you ever listened to a song that touches you and moves you so much that every time you hear the song, you're transfixed?"
"Yes."
"And then after awhile you stop listening to the song and it kind of fades from your mind, except for that little memory of how it made you feel so different?"
"Okay."
"But when you hear the song again, even after not listening to it for a long time, everything about it still moves you," Tori took a breath, "that's what your like, Sam."
"And so you've continued to avoid me?"
"It's been hard for me, Sam! I've gone through a whole lot this year and my never-ending feelings for you really don't help matters much."
"That's not it, and you know it. We've always been able to disguise our past, that hasn't changed."
"Okay, so tell me what has?"
"You've changed you've hidden behind that excuse. I know you, and this isn't like you."
"What isn't like me?" She said mockingly.
"This mask you've covered yourself with, this silence, this…everything. You've isolated yourself from everyone, not just me, from Josh and Zoey…you've even stopped showing up at the Music Center."
"How did you know about that?" She asked quietly.
"Zoey told me." Sam paused, "We're worried about you. We want to help you."
"I know." Tori said the words so softly, they almost got lost in the night. "But…"
"But what?"
"You can't. I've watched everything I love fall by the wayside and now I'm just bruised and broken and alone…the only comfort I take is in playing my music and now even that is fading. I'm afraid to play at dad's, Georgetown's music minor is a joke, the Center is surrounded by a bad memory and this fucking stupid fear of being out at night has stopped me from performing. What's left for me that you can help?"
"Me. I'm left." Sam stopped walking, and faced Tori, his eyes soft and his lips turned into a sad smile.
"Sam, please don't do this to me. We can't have the relationship we had before." Tori felt her body go numb with his sheer brilliance. Sam put his hand on her cheek, and let it rest there for a moment before saying,
"You know I found out that my dad has been having an affair for 28 years."
"Yeah."
"And when I heard, everything just crumbled. My whole life, which I thought just set in stone, and couldn't change, changed. My past, the only thing that I thought was for certain was now just a lie. My dad, my hero, was a liar and a cheat. And I almost exposed the past of another person's father, even though it would ruin his life, just like I ruined mine just because I was so angry with my father for betraying us.
"But I knew I didn't need to hurt another person just because my father hurt me. And so after that I called my dad and talk to him for awhile, and he told me that he was sorry and I told him what his affair did to me and mom…and I realized that there was no way for me to change the past, no way for me to change what my dad did to my family. It happened, and that was that.
"I didn't like being in the dark, and that's why I called my dad. I know you don't like being in the dark either."
"Stop, Sam, just stop." She turned and began to walk on, not trying to leave him, just trying to move him forward, "I don't need you right now, in fact you're the last thing I need right now."
"You know that's not true. Everything you said before proves that. You need me like you needed me during the campaign, when Zoey was gone you came to me. But you and Zoey can't shoulder this burden alone." Sam began to walk after her, "Look, I'm not trying to get you into bed again; I'm trying to help you. You're in pain, you're confused, and you've pulled away from everyone you love…"
"I don't love you anymore, Sam." She muttered.
"You can't say that." His voice was slightly raised, "Love doesn't just come and go like a car."
"This from a man who's been engaged…"
"You've got to open yourself up. You can't keep running like this." Tori was silent, there was nothing that she wanted to say to Sam, everything was too sensitive, too vulnerable. She wanted to be in his arms again, feel his protection and his safety. And she knew he was right, she knew that, like that one weak star, it was possible and necessary for her to defeat the night.
"Please talk to me." Sam pleaded after several minutes.
"I've been getting better." Tori nearly whispered. "I stopped blaming myself, at least." And suddenly, everything fell apart, the walls, the masks just collapsed around Tori as she started to so. Sam held her, there on the street, only three blocks away from her apartment, just held her and felt everything explode from her body. Zoey was wrong, Sam thought, wrong to think that I shouldn't be here with her. Maybe now things would be okay, and I could move on and find my own way through the dark.
Tori sighed in his arms, and looked over his shoulder to find the star, but it was gone, swallowed and consumed by the glaring lights of the city and the ever-growing black of the night.