VACATION? WHAT VACATION?
It was morning. He didn't know how he knew this since the room was surrounded in complete darkness, but it was time to get up and get moving. Instinctively, Donovan reached out for Pax, but her side of the bed was empty. He ran his hand through his corkscrewed hair and used his elbows to pull his body into a sitting position. He glanced at the alarm clock beside the bed and noticed that it was six in the morning. This was unusual. Pax wouldn't dare get out of bed before ten. She was an admitted sleep hog. Since there was no little girl toddling around, he threw the covers off his butt naked body and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He sat on the side of the bed for a few moments and called out her name a couple of times. When he received no answer, he stood up and padded over to the bathroom door. He snagged his robe off the hook, shrugged into it, and then descended the stairs toward the kitchen. Surprisingly, there was no coffee made. Although she had sworn off caffeine, she still insisted on drinking decaffeinated coffee despite thinking of it as 'donkey piss.' Convinced that Pax was not at home, Donovan went back upstairs to start the shower. After a vigorous and indulgent thirty minutes, he came out with a towel wrapped around his waist. Surprisingly enough, he saw Pax on the bed in her normal position: face buried in her pillow. He couldn't tell if she were awake or not. While he had been in the shower, she turned off the lights and closed the blinds. He tossed the towel aside and donned his robe again. Hesitating for half a second, he climbed into bed beside her and began to stroke her hair. She made a small sound in her throat, letting him know that she had only been dozing. She hadn't been home long.
"Where were you," he asked, his voice drifting down into her ear.
"I couldn't sleep, so I got up and took a walk. I didn't sleep that much last night," she said, her voice muffled in the pillow.
Again, he found himself wanting to ask if she was okay, but he had asked that question many, many times in the past two days. Eventually, she would let him have it and not in a good way. He ran his fingers through her hair, amazed at how soft it was when it looked as sharp and as abrasive as her character. Instead of voicing his question, he placed a soft kiss on the side of her neck before pulling away. She snuggled more securely against her pillow and sighed as if relieved he had decided to leave her alone. Smiling a little, he dug around in his chest for a change of clothes before leaving her to her dreams. The moment he was out of the room, Pax's eyes flew open and focused on the wall opposite her. She loved Donovan, there was no mistake about that, but she didn't feel like talking right now, didn't feel like making love to him. They had been together long enough where he could almost sense when she had the need to be alone. Apparently, this morning was one of those times. She couldn't sleep, but she also didn't want to stay awake. It was a never-ending hell for her. You're feeling sorry for yourself, you pussy. Pax wasn't one to do that, not usually. She was out of sorts, almost hormonal, and she hadn't been a full-fledged 'woman' in several years. So…what was it? What was driving her nuts? Was she having some sort of bizarre mid-life crisis? Mid-life? I'm not even there yet. Stupid ass that I am. Hmm. Should she cut her hair? Get a facial? Have a manicure? Ugh. She hated that shit, hated feeling shitty, and right now, she did. If her whacked out lover asked her one more time if she was okay, she thought she might harm him bodily, of course, leaving some parts alone for use…later. He was only doing it because he loved her and was concerned. She had a lot to learn in the realm of relationships. Most of her exposure to the opposite sex had been cursory and mostly sexual [Mostly? Be honest with yourself, Pax. It was all sexual]. Her relationship had been like that with Donovan at first, but love had to come in, bite her on the ass, and complicate it. Today, she couldn't imagine running off and leaving him behind. It was tempting, though. How many times in so many months had she tried to leave Donovan only to return before she completed her mission? Mission. You're not a CIA agent any longer. She was a dumb ass. Plain and simple. Dumb ass. Then there was the matter of Donovan's daughter. Although she would never admit it to his face, she truly did love the kid. He probably knew anyway. He knew every damn thing about her down to her fucking bra size, but he didn't quite know how to read what was going on inside her now. Of course, she kept it hidden behind a steel door that only Kryptonite could burst. Just who the hell do I think I am, anyway? Superfuckingman? It didn't matter anyway. She supposed that as soon as she had it all figured out, she would share it with the bastard. She had told him everything else, had even said that she'd let him knock her up if she still had all her works. What was this? Jonella Paxton wanting to nest? Good God. Had the thought ever crossed her mind before? It hadn't, but then again, she had spent a majority of her life as a loner. What she wanted she got and then threw the rest away. It was all Frank Donovan's fault. Oh yes. She could blame it all on him. If he hadn't brought this shit out of her, she would be halfway normal. Instead, she was some ditzy chick who fell to his feet when he laid one finger on her. Hadn't she once sworn she wouldn't do that?
Back in the day, the secretaries in the central office had made her ill. Nearly all of them were focused on Donovan. They all seemed to want him. They couldn't understand how Pax had lucked out to be his partner. She had once overheard a couple of the lamebrains talking one morning. It was something she would never forget as long as she lived. Who is he with? Oh my God. Not her. You've got to be kidding. I know she's an agent and all, but damn it, look at her. Tall, skinny, and oh my God. Short hair. I heard he's into big boobed women with long blonde hair. If she's an A cup, I'd be surprised. They have to be partners. He wouldn't sleep with that. Oh no? Just look at me now, you stupid little come eaters. Shit like that normally rolled off her back. She was pretty hard to rattle, but it did hurt in a way. She had had a soft spot for Donovan even then, but it wasn't like she wanted to fuck him. He was more like a brother…until he started kissing her. The game had changed a little after that. She never understood why he kissed her to shut her up. It would have been easier just kicking her stubborn ass. However, Donovan never liked easy stuff. Hard was the opportune word and he went for it that way each and every time. He drove her nuts, but he had gotten under her skin as effectively as she had his. They chose two different paths but wound up stuck together anyway some years down the road. Look at you now. You're in his bed, wearing his engagement ring, acting as if you're his kid's stepmother. What the hell was going on? Did she want to stay with him like this indefinitely? What if he wanted more? He did want more. It was obvious. He wanted to marry her, but hadn't said one errant word about it after the day he gave her the engagement ring. There was something else he might want outside the realm of marriage that she definitely couldn't give him. What if he wanted more children? She certainly couldn't have them. Was that it? Was that the crux of the matter that had been eating out her ass since yesterday? Ugh. Hell no. She wasn't about to get all soft. She could be in love, but she didn't have to start acting like…like…a woman. No way. Uh uh. She didn't want to be like those ditzy airheads who had worked in the central office. She didn't want to be like Donovan's ex-wife. She wanted none of that. Yet, she wanted Donovan, wanted him just as much as anyone could. If she were to tell him this shit, she was afraid he wouldn't get it. It never dawned on her that he might understand. She buried her face into her pillow for a few moments. She hated being like this, hated to spend so much damn time ruminating. Was Frank Donovan worth all this? You damn skippy. On that thought, Pax finally fell asleep. She didn't know anything until she felt Donovan sliding in bed beside her.
She didn't immediately move and he was certain that she was still asleep. He didn't want to wake her, as she hadn't gotten any sleep the night before. He shifted position slightly when he felt her moving around. She turned to her side to face him. "Were you asleep," he asked. "I didn't intend to wake you up."
She shook her head. "No. I never fell asleep. I was just stuffed under the covers trying to nap, but it didn't work." She noticed that he was freshly showered and fully dressed. She vaguely wondered how long she had been lying there. "What's up with you today? Normally you're trying to drag me out of bed, but you're all up in it right now. Very un-Donovan-like, wouldn't you say?"
He gave her a gentle smile. "Yeah, but so what? I can get out of character once in a while, can't I?" He reached out and cupped her face with one hand, allowing his thumb to stroke her cheek. "Would you allow me to stay in bed with you today? I could use an extended nap. Actually, it would be a first time thing for me." He placed a gentle kiss on her lips. "I love you."
Pax sighed a little. She definitely wished sometimes that he wouldn't do that. It never failed to get to her. It worked through every layer of defense she had. It had worked the first time she heard it and each subsequent time thereafter. What was she thinking anyway? Did she think she could simply get up, pack, and leave? Was that it? That was the old way. It wasn't the type of person she was now. She had changed, had finally let someone else in. "I love you, too," she whispered. She returned his kiss and scooted a little closer to him. She had no idea why in the hell they insisted on getting such a gigantic bed. They wound up sleeping in the center of it anyway. She wanted to strip him out of his clothing and fuck him until he couldn't walk. Another part of her was satisfied simply being near him. She went with that side. "I'm glad you decided to stay in bed. I like you like this," she told him.
Donovan was close to asking her again if she was okay, but he bit his tongue. It was best to let her stew. If he continued to poke and prod she wouldn't say a word. Perhaps if he left her alone, she would eventually tell him in her own sweet time. Without ceremony, she closed her eyes and buried her face in the space against his neck and shoulder. Her skin felt soft and cool to the touch. She didn't want to talk and he wouldn't push it. It wasn't a good idea to push Jonella Paxton, not if a man wanted to live to see his next birthday. He smiled a little. It had been several months since that crazy day he had given her the engagement ring. He couldn't actually call what happened a marriage proposal, because it wasn't. It had been many months, but he still thought in terms of the 'old' Pax. There was plenty of her old self left over, and she didn't mind showing it, but it had been quite some time since she had actually tried kicking his ass. He continued thinking in those terms, even after he knew the scheming was over, knew the games had ended once and for all. Old habits die hard. He didn't often think back to the many times they were together in the jungle. Now, it seemed more than bizarre for him to reflect at all. They were both different people back then. Were we? Were we really?
The first day he saw Jonella Paxton, she turned his stomach. She looked like an evil streetwalker from hell and her demeanor matched one. When he had commented about that to her, she had smartly asked him: What do you know about streetwalkers? Have you fucked many in your day? Her brazen comment had shut him right the fuck up. Never had he been spoken to like that [by a woman, anyway]. Admit it, pretty boy. You were accustomed to women in your immediate vicinity falling all over themselves to touch you. Pax wasn't one of them. Of course, she wasn't one he would ever voluntarily sleep with, either. If forced [by gunpoint], he would have done it. Yet, after their first meeting, he began to grudgingly get acquainted with her. Why fight it? They were partners and would be stuck together for a while. In remote locations, it helped having someone to talk to, even if it was a woman with the disposition of a rutting moose. It wasn't a pretty sight. He wouldn't admit it, but she made him laugh, even when he didn't want to. Her sense of humor was colorful and vile. It was a relief for him to realize that he didn't have to impress her. She made it clear that she didn't want him, and he sure as hell didn't want her. Donovan was young and could be a little stupid. He hadn't had any female partners. When he met them at the training academy or otherwise, they weren't field agents. There were plenty of women in his division, but all of them were married and/or otherwise obligated. The only women he was exposed to routinely were the few who worked in the office. Then again, he had also had a girlfriend back in Chicago. It wasn't a serious fling, but he thought he was in love.
Although it killed his arrogant soul to admit it, Pax was refreshing. She simply wasn't like any other woman he had ever met. She didn't give a shit and had no trouble telling him she didn't. When they came to a grudging understanding, he realized that she wasn't half bad. He still wouldn't touch her with a ten-foot pole, but she wasn't bad. After some time, he began to understand how vulnerable she actually was. Was there any attraction at all, even then? Was there? He felt almost insanely protective of her toward the end and had gone so far as to shoot her legs to keep her from doing something stupid. It was an odd way of showing affection, but it was his way, he supposed. When she sauntered back into his life at the time of his and Remy's divorce, they continued to fight each other like wildcats, just like the old days. Perhaps what they were fighting then was what they eventually surrendered to in the end. Was that it? If they hadn't been duty bound, would something have happened? The night they had gotten drunk together, when he became fascinated with her tattoo, he was checking her out. Beneath the heavy BDUs and clunky combat boots, she looked like a woman. She wasn't as busty as he liked, but she wasn't half bad. He often wondered what would have happened if she hadn't run off to become a Death Angel. Looking down at her, he ran the back of his index finger along her cheek. It didn't matter anymore. She had tread through hell. He was beside her for most of the trip, and now they were together. He sometimes worried that this life wasn't enough for her. At the moment, she wasn't working, and he had never known her to be idle any longer than fifteen minutes. He loved her so much and couldn't fathom the idea of losing her now, but if she weren't happy, he would let her go. He didn't want to see that day and hoped it never came. They had never had one of those 'is this good enough for you' talks. Neither of them truly thought it was necessary, but Donovan couldn't chase the doubts out of his mind. Sooner or later, they would have to talk this out. However, he was content to let it ride for as long as possible. You're a pussy chickenshit, Frank Donovan. Just admit it and get it over with. So he was. He didn't want to ask Pax and have her tell him she wasn't happy. He wasn't so certain he could deal with that right now. Perhaps in the beginning, he could have, but right now there was no way.
With one final touch, he drew away from her to give her some privacy. Before he moved one inch, she took hold of his shirt. "Where do you think you're going," she asked softly. "Didn't I tell you I wanted you to stay right here?"
He smiled down at her. Her eyes were still closed. "I thought you might like to have the bed all to yourself."
"If I did, Donovan, I wouldn't have told you I like you like this, now would I?" Even half asleep, she had an attitude. "How often do I have you all to myself? Not very damn much. When I want you to leave, I'll kick your ass out of bed," she said with a smile curling her lips.
"I know you will," he told her. "You never make idle threats of bodily harm. That's what I like about you the most."
Unable to go back to sleep now, she drew away just the slightest so she could look in his eyes. "Frank, there's something I want to ask you," she began. "Am I…will I be…enough for you?"
Donovan was surprised to hear the question. He moved back a little and his eyes searched her face. What was she talking about? "What? Where is this coming from? Of course. I love you. But I must ask you the same question. Is what we have at this moment enough for you? I worry that it isn't."
"After all the shit I've done in my life, you think I'm bored," she asked. "Hell no, Donovan. I'm far from bored. This is one hell of a break for me." She sighed heavily. "By staying with me, aren't you giving up further chances at having children? I mean…I can't do that and…"
"Jonella, is this what you've been brooding about the last few days," he asked. She said nothing, but he could read the answer in her eyes. Of course it was what she had been brooding about. I'm truly an idiot. "I…we…have Stasia. I know it's been difficult for you, but she loves you almost as much as I do. I love my daughter, but having another child isn't important to me."
"But I'll bet you want more, don't you?"
He kissed her lips very gently. "I told you it's not important to me and it's not. I love you very much just as you are. Right now, I'm perfectly happy with you and Stasia. Wipe it out of your mind, Jonella."
"Only if you wipe out the thought that I'd be bored with you," she said with a smile.
"It's gone," he told her.
He leaned toward her and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. However, it wasn't enough for her. She covered his lips with hers and kissed him deeply. Before long, he had lowered her to the bed. As her fingers worked open his shirt, she smiled against his lips. "You're such a horn dog," she whispered.
He chuckled. "Is that all you can say?"
"Yup."
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To be continued…