A/N: I own nothing but the plot! I know we've been over this before!
The song is I wouldn't go that Far by Reba McEntire. Also, I know that most graduations are held in May, but this was the only way I could get the damn story to go right.
I'll never forget that night long ago
I stare at the photograph his brother thrust into my hands. It's older now, but the figures in it are just as clear. I don't have to flip it over to see the date, but I do anyway.
The date penned neatly there is the date of my college graduation. June 21, 1980. Seems so ordinary doesn't it? But for me, that was the night that decided everything.
When he drove me down that old dusty road
It was just a dusty old road to the middle of nowhere. It didn't even have a name, or at least if it did, then I had never heard anyone use it.
I was naïve though, even if I was twenty-two. I knew what happened down that road, and I honestly thought that if I resisted and stuck to my values, we wouldn't end up in the same position as every other couple that had ventured down that road.
He took me as far as I'd ever been
He wanted me and I wanted him
But I'd always been told I shouldn't give in
I ended up giving in, that night. I never dreamed that I would get pregnant; I didn't even think it possible after only one night.
My daughter would probably ask me where my common sense was that night, and all I can say is that it abandoned me somewhere around the time her father told me he loved me.
I know he did too, but I couldn't say it back to him. We did have a good time that night though.
I wouldn't go that far
I didn't follow my heart
He said he loved me
But I wasn't ready
And I wouldn't go that far
After that one time together though, I started distancing myself from him. I was moving to Los Angeles at the end of July; he lived in a rural part of our great state, running his family ranch with his brother.
He kept telling me that he loved me and I kept telling him that his heart was playing tricks on him.
He was so patient, he didn't give up
With a ring in his hand and a heart full of love
He asked me for forever, I asked him to wait
He asked me to marry him a week before I left for L.A. I just stared at him for a few minutes, before turning away. I can still recall that conversation.
To please understand these dreams I must chase
Though it was a promise I wanted to make
I wouldn't go that far
I didn't follow my heart
He said he loved me
But I wasn't ready
And I wouldn't go that far
"No," I shake my head, knowing that he belongs here. But I don't; I never have.
"I love you, is that so hard for you to understand?"
"Is it so hard for you to get the picture that I don't belong on a ranch?" I scream the words at him, hating that I sound like my mother. She left the ranch that I was born on when I was ten. She just couldn't take the lonesome life of being a rancher's wife anymore.
I don't want to be like her, leaving my children when they are young and never coming back.
"I'll leave ranching," he offers, desperately. He's just grasping at straws, and event our horses, who are quietly watching our scene, know it.
I close my eyes, wishing for the wisdom of King Solomon. But I know that that wise and ancient king wouldn't have let himself get in a mess like this. "I'll make you a deal."
"What?" His eyes brighten, a hope creeping into them.
"If I don't find what I'm looking for in L.A.," I tell him, hating myself, "then I'll come back here. I'll be your wife. Just give me six months to try out the city."
"Deal," his eyes are so bright with hope. I can't believe that I'm leading him on like this.
After all these years, I saw him again
He had his wife and his family with him
He said he was proud of all my success
He guessed both of us had found happiness
Obviously, I 'found' what I was looking for. At least, he always figured I did. The truth is, is that I couldn't bear to go back and tell him that I'd gotten pregnant. I married a man that my mother deemed to be 'the ideal husband.' In other words, he had money, and lots of it. He wanted an heir, and my daughter looked enough like him to swing it.
But my daughter chose to become a wrestler. When she told me the name of her mentor, my throat closed up.
She doesn't know the truth about her parentage, and to be honest, I don't want her to know. But I knew that I could never go near him.
I couldn't risk him finding out the truth. Or better yet, figuring it out for himself. Sure, I can just picture how damn angry he'd be. But we always did tell Buffy that she was premature.
Hopefully, if he ever starts to figure it out, he'll figure that I was cheating on him.
I wouldn't go that far
I didn't follow my heart
He said he loved me
But I wasn't ready
And I wouldn't go that far
He didn't realize who I was. That in turn, means that he didn't figure out anything concerning Buffy.
His brother understood it immediately. I sat in the front row of RAW and pleaded using my eyes. All he did was come over and give me the photo.
I don't know which is worse, remembering the past, or having to hear the words he spoke play over and over in my head.
"He still loves you, even if he has been married. Twice, now."
Yes, I knew he loved me
But I wasn't ready
And I wouldn't go that far
I watch my baby girl laughing with her friends, and I can suddenly see how her friend Shawn's eyes light up. He has a child already, from a previous marriage. And somehow, I can't fault her for loving him. I can only pray that she won't follow my path when it comes to love.
I made my mistakes and I'm still paying for them. I look over at where Sara Calloway is playing with her son. I somehow manage to swallow the lump in my throat.
Yes, I should have told Mark Calloway, the man that Buffy calls her mentor, the truth. But I didn't, and now I have to live with my decision.
I have to get out of this damn arena before I tell him that his oldest daughter, age twenty three, wasn't by his first wife.
A/N: This is sappy, angst filled, and a departure from my typical. Well, semi departure. I'm supposed to being reading the epic of Gilgamesh at the moment, but chose to do this instead.