Warnings: 5xR, yaoi (1x2), angst, after EW.
(Wufei: AC 207)
I had to help her with her breakfast this morning. Usually, she manages to do it herself, after having me check off only fingerfoods on the menu that is delivered each morning. Today her hand shook badly, and her coordination was so off that she wasn't able to bring the toast to her mouth in order to take a bite. She just laughed when I finally took the piece of toast away from her, and joked that next she would have to start ordering those high protein drinks, so that she can just drink them with a straw, and not worry about hand-eye coordination.
Though it hurt me to see her that way, I attempted to play along with her, pretending that the whole thing was just one big joke. I told her about how I spent a week living on those things during the war, and that she really didn't want to try them. The "chocolate" ones taste like alfalfa, and the "vanilla" ones aren't much better. She simply smirked, and said that it would be a shame to give up the hospital meals, since, despite what people will tell you about hospital food, it actually isn't that bad. In fact, they don't even have jello on the menu, which is strange, considering that according to popular literature, jello is the most popular hospital desert.
...I'm wandering again. I can't think about her for very long anymore without my mind wandering. I'm beginning to think that it may be a self-defense mechanism, that some part of my brain knows that if I were to truly concentrate on her... situation... for too long, I would be trapped in a cycle of fear and desperation.
(from the personal journal of Relena Peacecraft Dorlian)
January 22, AC 205
Duo and Heero popped up today at the apartment. Despite Duo's insistence that they "just happened to be in the area", it was obvious that they stopped by because they haven't seen me around recently. I think they were both worried, since they seemed to relax when I explained how I'd missed getting my flu shot. Well, at least Duo relaxed, I'm starting to believe that Heero doesn't know how to, though Duo insists that he does.
They stayed for dinner, which ended up being quite a show. When I went into the kitchen to get dessert, I nearly died of laughter when I heard Heero comment to Wufei how my cooking skills had improved. God, the look on his face when I came back with the eclairs and told him that, it being Thursday, Wufei had cooked. Wufei wasn't any better, he went bright red and became very flustered and stuttered a whole bunch. Duo didn't even try to hold back his laughter.
The rest of the evening passed quietly, though Duo did remark that they were still airing footage of that dedication ceremony last July when I wore the infamous pink shades. Just him mentioning it set Wufei off, though he really has no reason to laugh, since I happen to know that he's still getting the spam that was a part of my retaliation. Of course, he has no idea that Duo, Heero, and I had anything to do with that.
Come to think of it, I believe he also doesn't know about our involvement in the what has come to be called "the noodle incident". It's probably just as well...
(Wufei: AC 207)
It hurts to see her this way, slowly fading away, day by day. Every day she's a little paler and a little weaker. It's as if a small part of her dies each day, though you wouldn't see it if you only visited every now and then. When she's awake, she laughs and jokes, smiling all the time. Or she reads books and newspapers, getting this wrinkle between her eyebrows when she concentrates hard. If it weren't for the fact she needs someone else to turn the pages for her, she would appear completely normal, if a bit pale. In this way, she manages to fool even her closest friends, as well as the world at large.
But, unlike the others, I've seen her at night, when she's asleep and unable to keep up her facade. Asleep, the pain is evident on her face, and she stirs restlessly in her bed, fighting off phantoms and nightmares of all types and forms. Occasionally she cries out from either pain and fear, which inevitably leads to the urgent footsteps of at least one of the nurses on the third floor.
I think the only reason the others are able to pretend that her health will improve is that they've never been with her at night. They've never truly seen what she is going through. I've seen it though, and I hate the fact that I have, because it makes me feel so selfish, so self-centered.
How can I keep hoping that she'll go on, when it is so obvious how much pain she is in...?