A.N: I wonder if this counts as my fastest update ever, or if it just
doesn't count as an update at all, as it's being put up about five minutes
from the first part...
Chapter One
Oh God
If you're out there won't you hear me?
I know that we've never talked before
Oh God
The man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door?
Am I in Heaven here or am I in Hell?
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day and we will praise it
I love the light that brings a smile
Across your face
*****
Remus Lupin stirred, wondered vaguely why his arm felt so numb, then opened his eyes and remembered. Remembered...everything.
Alexandra was still fast asleep. He wanted to slip his arm out from under her, but he couldn't stand the thought of waking her right now. Let her stay at peace for as long as she can, he told himself.
He felt someone touch his free hand and glanced up. Celina was awake on the other side of Alexandra, staring up at the ceiling, her green eyes dark with a tangle of different emotions. She said nothing, and neither did Remus. He simply squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back, a ghost of a smile flitting across her pale face.
Such calm and quiet now, in the aftermath of their shared grief. Had it only been a few hours ago that Alexandra had been falling apart in their arms, one fist striking Remus's chest and shoulder again and again with a futile, desperate need to strike out at something, even if it was him? Had it only been the night before that all three of them, even Celina, had wept and screamed and whispered Sirius's name, as if invoking him could somehow bring him back? Had so little time passed since he'd brought them the news, wanting with all his heart not to but knowing they needed to hear it from him?
He'd picked Ally up and carried her into her bedroom after she'd finally collapsed against him, exhausted from grieving. He'd set her down on the bed and started to leave, but she'd held onto him, and finally he'd lain down beside her. Cel had slipped onto the bed on her sister's other side, holding her with uncharacteristic tightness, and Remus had wrapped his arms around both of them. After Ally cried herself to sleep, he and Cel and stayed awake for a while, their hands and foreheads brushing as they held her between them, their eyes communicating what they had no words for. Finally, they'd drifted off as well, and they'd lain curled up in the bed like three children.
Remus glanced over at Cel. Her grief had not been as all-consuming as his or Ally's, he knew. Sirius had not been as close or meant as much to her as to either of them, and that was reflected in her calm expression now. She had mourned him as much as she had found it in her to mourn him, and he knew she was ready to move on now, as he and Ally would not be able to do for a much longer time.
"You'll have to be the strong one now." He whispered, his voice barely disrupting the silence. "You'll have to help us carry on until we can do it on our own."
She looked at him for the first time, smiling ruefully. "Rem, if I have to be the strong one, we're screwed. You know that, right?"
He managed to smile back at her, even as tears ran down his cheeks. "Yeah...I know."
He wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that she had so much more strength than she gave herself credit for. But you didn't tell Celina things like that. You just waited for her to realize it on her own.
She leaned across Alexandra and kissed him, not saying anything else. There was nothing more to say.
*****
As Sirius walked, he began to be able to make out his surroundings, although everything seemed dim, hazy, and slightly distorted, like a dream where you couldn't focus on anything too carefully or it would dissolve. From what he could make out, he seemed to be walking through a vast, dark forest. There was no real color anywhere-the ground, the trees, and what he could make out of the sky all ranged from black to gray to a kind of dull silver-and the only source of light was his own wand.
It reminded him vaguely of Dante's Inferno. He'd never really read it-Ally and Remus both had, and they'd told him the story. It had been interesting, and he'd started to read it for himself, but quickly discovered that medieval Italian poetry was not his style. But, anyway, he remembered that Dante's journey had started in a strange, sinister wood. And, as he considered it, the parallel gave him hope. Dante had journeyed through Hell and Purgatory and, in the end, reached Paradise. Would Sirius successfully make his way through the Land of the Dead to rejoin the Living?
The longer he journeyed, the harder it was to maintain that hope. At first, he'd felt full of energy, hurrying forward and expecting the second Arch to loom ahead of him any second. But the forest seemed to stretch ahead endlessly, and now when he looked back it stretched behind him endlessly, too. No sign of the Arch he'd come through. He began to feel sluggish and slightly disoriented, again as though he were walking through a dream. Struggling against a gnawing, growing sensation of hopelessness, he thought back on Morpheus' hint that he would most likely receive help in the Land of the Dead.
"James..." he said softly, his own voice in the silence both startling and comforting. "Prongs, if you're out there, if you can help me, I need you. Lily...find me. Help me. Please..."
He thought of all the others he and his loved ones had lost t this colorless, hazy world. Alexandra's father, and her brother and his wife...his own Uncle Alphard...James's parents...and so many from the Order...Marlene, Benjy, the Prewett brothers...
He paused, realizing something. He couldn't remember what the Prewetts' first names had been. For that matter, what had Marlene and Benjy's last names been? Bloody Hell, what had Ally's father's name been?! Feeling panic rise within him, he remembered the last thing Morpheus had said.
"Good luck, Sirius Black-and remember!"
At the same time, he remembered how scatterbrained and forgetful the old man had seemed. The pieces clicked in his dream-fogged mind.
Oh. Bloody. Hell.
He stopped where he was and pressed his hands to his temples, wracking his brains until Nicodemus Merlin's name came clear in his mind. And Ally's brother, he had been Nicodemus as well, but they called him Nick. And the Prewetts had been Gideon and Fabian, that was it. He kept at it until he could remember all the names that had ever been important enough for him to remember in the first place. Then, he moved on, wondering how soon he'd have to do this again.
*****
A.N: *blinks* Why am I in such a good mood now when I'm putting poor sweet Remus and Ally and Cel through so much unadulterated ANGST?
Anyway, Harry should come into this soon, which will be the first time Harry is actually a character in something I write and not just getting mentioned. Yaaaaay!
And there shall be James and Lily ghostiness as well. Yaaaay! (Well, not yay for them being ghosts, but...you know...) Edit: And silly forgetful me, the song lyrics belong very much to Sarah MacLachlan, not myself.
Chapter One
Oh God
If you're out there won't you hear me?
I know that we've never talked before
Oh God
The man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door?
Am I in Heaven here or am I in Hell?
At the crossroads I am standing
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day and we will praise it
I love the light that brings a smile
Across your face
*****
Remus Lupin stirred, wondered vaguely why his arm felt so numb, then opened his eyes and remembered. Remembered...everything.
Alexandra was still fast asleep. He wanted to slip his arm out from under her, but he couldn't stand the thought of waking her right now. Let her stay at peace for as long as she can, he told himself.
He felt someone touch his free hand and glanced up. Celina was awake on the other side of Alexandra, staring up at the ceiling, her green eyes dark with a tangle of different emotions. She said nothing, and neither did Remus. He simply squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back, a ghost of a smile flitting across her pale face.
Such calm and quiet now, in the aftermath of their shared grief. Had it only been a few hours ago that Alexandra had been falling apart in their arms, one fist striking Remus's chest and shoulder again and again with a futile, desperate need to strike out at something, even if it was him? Had it only been the night before that all three of them, even Celina, had wept and screamed and whispered Sirius's name, as if invoking him could somehow bring him back? Had so little time passed since he'd brought them the news, wanting with all his heart not to but knowing they needed to hear it from him?
He'd picked Ally up and carried her into her bedroom after she'd finally collapsed against him, exhausted from grieving. He'd set her down on the bed and started to leave, but she'd held onto him, and finally he'd lain down beside her. Cel had slipped onto the bed on her sister's other side, holding her with uncharacteristic tightness, and Remus had wrapped his arms around both of them. After Ally cried herself to sleep, he and Cel and stayed awake for a while, their hands and foreheads brushing as they held her between them, their eyes communicating what they had no words for. Finally, they'd drifted off as well, and they'd lain curled up in the bed like three children.
Remus glanced over at Cel. Her grief had not been as all-consuming as his or Ally's, he knew. Sirius had not been as close or meant as much to her as to either of them, and that was reflected in her calm expression now. She had mourned him as much as she had found it in her to mourn him, and he knew she was ready to move on now, as he and Ally would not be able to do for a much longer time.
"You'll have to be the strong one now." He whispered, his voice barely disrupting the silence. "You'll have to help us carry on until we can do it on our own."
She looked at him for the first time, smiling ruefully. "Rem, if I have to be the strong one, we're screwed. You know that, right?"
He managed to smile back at her, even as tears ran down his cheeks. "Yeah...I know."
He wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that she had so much more strength than she gave herself credit for. But you didn't tell Celina things like that. You just waited for her to realize it on her own.
She leaned across Alexandra and kissed him, not saying anything else. There was nothing more to say.
*****
As Sirius walked, he began to be able to make out his surroundings, although everything seemed dim, hazy, and slightly distorted, like a dream where you couldn't focus on anything too carefully or it would dissolve. From what he could make out, he seemed to be walking through a vast, dark forest. There was no real color anywhere-the ground, the trees, and what he could make out of the sky all ranged from black to gray to a kind of dull silver-and the only source of light was his own wand.
It reminded him vaguely of Dante's Inferno. He'd never really read it-Ally and Remus both had, and they'd told him the story. It had been interesting, and he'd started to read it for himself, but quickly discovered that medieval Italian poetry was not his style. But, anyway, he remembered that Dante's journey had started in a strange, sinister wood. And, as he considered it, the parallel gave him hope. Dante had journeyed through Hell and Purgatory and, in the end, reached Paradise. Would Sirius successfully make his way through the Land of the Dead to rejoin the Living?
The longer he journeyed, the harder it was to maintain that hope. At first, he'd felt full of energy, hurrying forward and expecting the second Arch to loom ahead of him any second. But the forest seemed to stretch ahead endlessly, and now when he looked back it stretched behind him endlessly, too. No sign of the Arch he'd come through. He began to feel sluggish and slightly disoriented, again as though he were walking through a dream. Struggling against a gnawing, growing sensation of hopelessness, he thought back on Morpheus' hint that he would most likely receive help in the Land of the Dead.
"James..." he said softly, his own voice in the silence both startling and comforting. "Prongs, if you're out there, if you can help me, I need you. Lily...find me. Help me. Please..."
He thought of all the others he and his loved ones had lost t this colorless, hazy world. Alexandra's father, and her brother and his wife...his own Uncle Alphard...James's parents...and so many from the Order...Marlene, Benjy, the Prewett brothers...
He paused, realizing something. He couldn't remember what the Prewetts' first names had been. For that matter, what had Marlene and Benjy's last names been? Bloody Hell, what had Ally's father's name been?! Feeling panic rise within him, he remembered the last thing Morpheus had said.
"Good luck, Sirius Black-and remember!"
At the same time, he remembered how scatterbrained and forgetful the old man had seemed. The pieces clicked in his dream-fogged mind.
Oh. Bloody. Hell.
He stopped where he was and pressed his hands to his temples, wracking his brains until Nicodemus Merlin's name came clear in his mind. And Ally's brother, he had been Nicodemus as well, but they called him Nick. And the Prewetts had been Gideon and Fabian, that was it. He kept at it until he could remember all the names that had ever been important enough for him to remember in the first place. Then, he moved on, wondering how soon he'd have to do this again.
*****
A.N: *blinks* Why am I in such a good mood now when I'm putting poor sweet Remus and Ally and Cel through so much unadulterated ANGST?
Anyway, Harry should come into this soon, which will be the first time Harry is actually a character in something I write and not just getting mentioned. Yaaaaay!
And there shall be James and Lily ghostiness as well. Yaaaay! (Well, not yay for them being ghosts, but...you know...) Edit: And silly forgetful me, the song lyrics belong very much to Sarah MacLachlan, not myself.