Hey guys! Nice to see we're all- umn -*looks around at all her sobbing readers* Enjoying? The fic. :D So! Onto the Q&A…
SilvanLegolas: LOL! Suspecting Edren now, huh? Well, I must tell you this- you'll need to keep your eyes open, and look for anything to suspect, because there are quite a few things like that in this fic. You may not find out about them till much, later, though.
TheInsaneOne: AGABAGA! Sheesh, are we in a funny mood? ;) LOL! I can see you like to make people laugh…
Julie: Aah, excellent questions, Julie, good eye. Actually- actually, I can't answer that, but you'll find out that whole story, don't worry. :D
NaughtyNat: LOL! Well, actually, I've never seen Titanic (though I am using its song in this chapter. Funny ol' world, isn't it? ;) but my sisters have. Interesting comparison! I guess we both like angst, huh? Me and whoever wrote the screenplay for Titanic. :D As if you didn't know I liked angst. :P
Ithildin: Aw, sorry you're so depressed. But do not despair, Ithildin, estel remains, and all that. ;)
Bill the Pony: ACK! No eating Bengwiil, naughty naughty. ;) Hey, and point that morgal blade somewhere else, I didn't do anything! Well, except for killing Estel, but that's not SO bad in the grand scheme of things… ;)
Cassia: ROTFL!!!! Ooh my gosh, Hannah and Sarah and I were CRACKING UP over that whole thing!! LOL! I had no idea I was causing you so much trouble. ;) Well, if it's any consolation, Sarah, Hannah and I spent almost an HOUR yesterday (when, I might add, we were supposed to be making dinner ;) moaning and groaning about how much TROUBLE Legolas is now in, thanks to a recent chapter of yours and Sio's… :D LOL, that is TOO funny with the headphones! I'm still laughing over that. *grin* the mental pictures are…just great. :D
Elfling: Evil things? In MY head?!…yeah. :P
Lothlorien Leaf: If you'd like to see the sites I used (for the most part) for my elvish translating. Just go to my LOTR-fic homepage (the link is on my bio) and go to the Links page. Most of them are there, though there are several other resources such as the books and movies which are not listed there. Hope that helps! :D
Witchmaster: Thanks for stopping by! I sent you an email informing you of the posting, but it may have ended up undelivered, several of them did. Yeah, at times I wondered if Legolas was overreacting myself, but if you consider: A. He's just lost the best friend he's ever had B. He almost blames himself for it and C. He's an elf, and loss is something very hard for them to accept. That's my reasoning, at least.
*****
Chapter 5
A Final Fall
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you
Go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you
Go on
Near, far
Wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more
You open the door
And you're here in my heart and
My heart will go on and on…
~"My Heart Will Go On" , Celine Dion~
Edren crept silently into Legolas' room, trying hard not to wake him. But upon opening the door, he found him already awake. Legolas sat on the edge of his bed, the blankets and pillows put neatly in their place behind him. When he looked up at the elf before him, his eyes shone ever so slightly in the morning sun, and Edren knew that he was feeling better.
"Are you well?" Edren asked quietly, sitting down beside the prince.
"Better, now," came the soft reply.
"Did you see Estel again last night?" the friend pressed anxiously.
"No," Legolas answered, and to his companion's surprise, smiled. He sighed and shook his head. "I am quite disappointed with myself, Edren."
"Why, what's wrong?"
"What's *right*?" Legolas countered, leaning forward to put his elbows on his knees, and resting his chin on his hands. "Aragorn put everything in black and white for me, moments before he died. He set us apart by race, and reunited us by friendship. He acknowledged that I would miss him, and told me not to despair, but to remember him with hope. And look what I've done." He shook his head, and rubbed his eyes in frustration. "I've done just the opposite of his wishes. I've pushed my aching heart beyond the brink of despair, and have forgotten all that was good and hopeful about him. And this is where it's led me."
Silence fell. Edren didn't know what to say. Mostly everything Legolas had just told him were things he knew, and had wished to tell the prince himself, at one time or another. But he didn't have to think of a comment, for Legolas sat back, and kept going.
"I'll admit, I've tried to let go. When I left Aragorn's room, I thought I *was* letting go. But I still hung onto the pain of loss, and I carried it here, and I took it deep into my dreams to where I was made to meet Estel again. Face-to-face with my dearest friend, I felt the weight of my despair so heavily."
Finally, Edren thought of a hopefully distracting question. "Did you not dream at all last night?"
"Of course I did," Legolas responded, a look of fear and guilt crossing his face as he looked down at the floor. Edren wasn't going to push him, but the prince spoke up of his own accord. "I wandered to where I'd last seen Estel. But he was not there. So, I wandered farther, and for some reason, found myself beside a small stream that does not exist in Mirkwood. I looked into it, and knew it had been set there for one purpose alone. Me. I saw my reflection, and yet…it wasn't me."
Legolas paused, and looked guiltily around the room, trying to keep the tears down. "I suppose you *know* what I saw, Edren," he said softly, looking anywhere but at the one he was addressing. "I suppose it's what you've seen on my face for a long time, these past days."
He closed his eyes, trying to recreate the dream in his head. "I was dark. Not in lighting, but just- dark. My eyes, they were so full of tears, but when the tears fell, they hit the water, and the ripples created more tears in my reflection. And on my face- it was a look of deepest despair. Despair that ran *so* deep, I could feel the look in my chest. And- and then, I leaned forward to get a better look…" Legolas' hand moved unconsciously to his chest, and he slowly massaged the place where his heart was beating. Slowly, he opened his eyes, and shook his head as he faced Edren. "I am so utterly ashamed of myself, Edren. It never should have gotten this far, no matter how broken I felt. Can you ever forgive me?"
Edren blinked, too stunned to respond. He had not expected to hear any such revelation this soon. Legolas had only just let go. How could Edren have expected him to see truth and hope through it all? Suddenly, he realized what his blank expression must look like, and he quickly got his mouth moving. "Of course, my friend. Of course. I- I had not expected such words from you. Not now."
"I am sorry," Legolas repeated, but his eyes were bright with relief at the elf's quick forgiveness. "I'm going to try and make this whole situation better. Granted, I still miss Estel deeply. But- I cannot let that be the cause of my life. I need a higher goal, than to suffer over his death." He tried to speak with conviction, but Edren could see the struggle remained.
"I understand," was all he said.
"And I wish I did not go deeper than this."
Edren shook his head. "What do you mean?"
"All this despair. All this shadow. It didn't start with Estel's death." Legolas took a long sigh and tears were once again forming in his eyes, as true disappointment struck him. "I gave up on him, Edren. I should have tried so, *so* much harder. If he didn't want to go to Rivendell, I should have put him on the horse, and forced him there."
"Legolas, no one could have made Aragorn's decisions for him. You did what you felt needed to be done, as far as his wishes went."
"But they weren't his wishes!" Legolas shouted, tear-chocked, as he rose from the bed, and stalked a foot away. "I, who have experienced the full horror of Bengwiil should have realized that he was not speaking through his own lips. He was speaking through his Bengwiil-infected mind. He would have known better, and gone to Rivendell, had he been in his right mind."
"But had you forced him, Legolas, you would have scarred him. You know this. It would have remained a true memory, even once the poison was gone. A nightmare, where his best friend turned against him."
Legolas nodded slowly, and returned to the bed, sitting down, and drawing his knees up to his chin. "But that is not all…I…I feel the blame for it all. I never should have let it happen. Despite what you say, Edren, I still feel I could have stopped it. And I should have fought harder for Estel's life."
"Why do you feel it must be your fault alone?" Edren whispered softly, desperate to understand the prince's reasoning. Legolas pressed his forehead against his knees, and exhaled gently. The gesture made him look like a lost one, and it hurt Edren to see his friend so vulnerable.
"Because Aragorn was right. Because he's a human, and I'm of elven kind. And for that, I was responsible for him. He was younger. He was weaker. To me, he was a friend, but really, he was but a boy." Legolas shook his head. "A human, Edren…just a little boy."
"I know that, Legolas, I know. But he was strong, even for a human."
"Not strong enough," Legolas whispered.
"It is in the past," Edren promised, laying an arm around the prince's shoulders. "You cannot help it now. You begin to despair again, Legolas."
At this, Legolas' head shot up, and he wiped his tears away hastily on his sleeve. "Istón, my friend, forgive me. This will be harder than I thought."
"It is all right, Legolas. I will help you, if you would like." Edren smiled encouragingly, and brought his right hand around to his face. Placing the knuckle of his thumb between his eyes, and holding the rest of his fingers in a fist, he brought his thumb down his nose, in a long, sweeping arc, and held it out to the prince.
Legolas couldn't help smiling, and returned the gesture, wrapping his thumb around Edren's when it reached that point. The 'handshake' or sorts had been concocted by Legolas when he and Edren were boys. He'd found out from his father that to slide one's thumb down their nose just that way was the sign for oliphaunt among the Haradrim. He and Edren had thought it just the funniest thing, so Edren had helpfully suggested connecting their thumbs at the end of it, and it became their 'secret handshake'. Though secret it was not, for upon creating it, they just *had* to tell all in the Halls!
Legolas pulled his thumb back, and shook his head in laugher. "I cannot believe you remember that, mellon nin."
"Well," Edren shrugged. "It became an old habit."
"Of course." Legolas tried to hide his smile, but it didn't work.
Edren only smiled in return. "So…what are you going to do?"
"That is a good question." Legolas sighed, smiling even broader. He was suddenly so relieved to realize, he had his life now. What *was* he going to do? "Well, I think I shall start by moving back to my bedroom. If that is all right with you and Thernäd."
"Of course!" Edren smiled. "I don't mind in the least. But remember, you are always welcome in our home."
"Istón, mellon nin," Legolas smiled in return, and rose from his bed. "I think I shall go now, so I can get my bearings again. Perhaps, on the way, you can fill me in, with greater detail, as to what Átniir told you and Daurrè."
"Very well, Legolas."
**********
"Oh my." Legolas sighed, rubbing his forehead. He and Edren had stopped in the hallway awhile ago, so Legolas could better take it all in, rather than continue walking to his room. When he heard about Fenan throwing the door open, to hear Legolas' song, the prince stopped dead in his tracks and closed his eyes.
Now, as the tale was complete the two stood in silence awhile longer. "Oh. My." Legolas repeated, this time firmer, and with less surprise, and more horrified understanding. "All this," he whispered. "Is my fault."
"No." Legolas was surprised by the stern and sudden response, and realized his friend had been expecting such a comment. "No, Legolas, don't you *even* try to blame this on yourself. Bengwiil, defiantly. Mornaeg, yes. Fenan and Anwé, probably. Your father…maybe. But you are *not* the one that this falls upon."
"But the tears- the song…I wasn't there for my people, when my father was gone. That is what a prince is *there* for!" Legolas gritted in an irritated voice. "I can't believe I was so blind! I can't believe I let it go so far!"
"Legolas." The prince was pulled back from his outburst by the quiet word. Yes, his anger was understandable enough, and fostered by pent-up frustration and pain. But Legolas knew as well as his considerably calmer friend that it would do no good.
He couldn't help smiling. "Forgive me." And the smile widened.
Edren shook his head. "What is so funny?"
"Something I once told Aragorn." Legolas whispered softly, the memory flooding back into his mind like a breath of cold air.
"You must *stop* apologizing for everything! I hereby forbid you to apologize for *anything* for the rest of your days!"
He shook his head silently, and looked at the floor. "I miss him."
"I know," was all Edren could respond.
"But- it is better now." Legolas looked up, a new light in his eye. "Did you know this is the first time I've recalled and welcomed a pleasant memory of us since he left? For so, *so* long, all I could remember was his death." He squeezed his eyes shut, and let the smile that had begun to fade become apparent once more. "I cannot tell you how relieved I am to remember that."
Edren smiled in his own relief. "Come, let's keep going."
"Ah, yes!" Legolas nodded, and pushing his elbows against the wall he'd been leaning on, came to standing position in the middle of the hall once again. "Come."
They continued down the hallway, both feeling just a bit better. Legolas believed that if only he could still picture Aragorn's smiling eyes, the memory of the apology conversation would be perfect. As they reached his door, he was pretty sure he had a good picture. He just wished he knew it was the right one.
"Legolas!" Legolas jerked out of his silent revelry to find Edren looking at him intently. But somewhere, Legolas had sensed something was wrong already. He wished he'd acted.
Catching himself on the handle of his room's door, Legolas steadied his feet on the slippery substance he'd landed on. "Sorry," he muttered, annoyed at himself for not noticing sooner. Slipping was certainly not a very elven mistake.
Shrugging it off for the sake of a more pressing matter, he looked down at his feet, to figure out what it had been. He shuddered. Blood.
"Whose?" Edren asked quietly.
"I don't know…" Legolas murmured, looking at the door, where a bloody handprint lay. "But I'm going to find out." Silently, he pushed the door open to a grim sight.
Blood. It lay everywhere. All over the floor, desk, chair, bedposts, blankets, pillows…Legolas shook his head in disgust as he took in the gruesome sight.
"Who would *do* this?!" Edren demanded, looking around at the mess hotly.
Legolas didn't need to guess. He knew. "Mornaeg." Glancing around the room, he moved in to get a closer look. It appeared the loathsome elf had dragged his bloodied leg all over the floor, walls and furniture. He seemed to make a special point of kneeling over each blanket and pillow.
Legolas reached for a bloodstained pillow, and shook it angrily. "My friend is *dead* Morneag," he whispered, and in a burst of anger and frustration, threw it at the wall. "And even now you torment me in what is left of him!" he shouted furiously, and threw another pillow. "Why must you do this?! What did I do?! Why did I deserve to lose my dearest frie-" Choked, he sank to the bloodied floor boards, and covered his face with red-tinged fingers.
"He can't take Aragorn's memory away," Edren told his friend softly, moving beside him on the reddened floor. "Nobody can." Edren didn't understand the significance of the pillows, but he *did* know that it clearly struck Legolas deep.
The prince shook his head, and rose to his feet. "I'm not going to cry…again." He was surprised to hear the words he'd thought so long coming from his own lips. He wasn't ashamed. He was too busy thinking about something else right now.
"Come," he told his friend, pulling an arrow from his quiver.
"What are you doing." Edren's voice was uneasy. He didn't like the look in the elf's eye.
"I'm going to the tower room," Legolas responded flatly, and turned out the door, and began following the blood trail outside his door.
*****
You're kissing the dark
You're courting your pride
You wonder is it greener on the other side
But they have nothing to offer you!
All you're missing is a heartache
A disillusion for a keepsake
A life of living with your own mistake
All you're missing is a heartache!
~"All You're Missing is a Heartache" , Michael W. Smith~
****
"Legolas, wait!" Edren called for the umpteenth time. He'd been a little slow on full realization. Once it struck, Legolas was already halfway up the stairs. The elf had hastened to follow his friend, but it wasn't quite quick enough.
Frantically, Edren chased his friend's footsteps up the staircase, doing his best to avoid the slippery blood on the dark steps, and trying to call him back the whole while. "Legolas!" he called again. "Legolas, hauta! Hauta na nin!" he tried, but to no avail.
//wait for me!//
Finally, he caught a glimpse of the prince's golden hair disappearing around a bend. By the time he caught the elf, he was standing in front of the door, preparing to push it open. Edren quickly snatched his hand away from the door handle. "No! Legolas, wait. Talk to me, what are you going to do in there?"
"You know, Edren."
Yes, Edren did know, or at least, he was afraid he did. But perhaps, if he could make Legolas *admit* it…would the prince realize how crazy it was? "Legolas, listen. If you kill Mornaeg, you will only make this worse."
"It is the only way to avenge Estel," Legolas responded quietly, thumbing his arrow carefully. He seemed to be completely gone, and yet, as he lifted his gaze to Edren's again, his friend could see confusion and uncertainty behind the look. He was still trying to figure it out. There was hope yet to change his mind.
"You don't really want to avenge Estel, do you? You miss him, you want him back. But this won't make it happen."
"But it *will* recreate what happened to him. Maybe…if I could see it. Maybe I wouldn't miss him so much. If I could better understand what happened; I'll see it happen with Mornaeg. It's the only way."
"Legolas, you can't-"
"Aragorn suggested if I knew more about Bengwiil, I could defeat it. He's right. And if I knew more about Aragorn's death…" He nodded, a frightening amount of crazed certainty seeping into his face. "I'll recreate it. Every scratch, cut and scar will be exactly as they were on Aragorn."
"What madness is this?!" Edren demanded angrily, shaking his friend by the arm. "Why do you wish to *see* that misery all over!"
"You'll see. Mornaeg will regret his hate." Legolas pushed the door open.
"So will you!" Edren pulled his friend back a step. "Legolas, don't you know what you're *saying*? Think! Are these not the words of Mornaeg? What makes you different from him, if you kill him as he has killed Aragorn? What would Aragorn say if he knew what you are *doing* to yourself?"
Legolas locked his jaw, trying not to listen. But then…cruel, evil words seeped into his mind…
"Every scratch, cut and scar is exactly as they were on Minaeg."
They were the words of Mornaeg…he was speaking *just* as Mornaeg. And then…his own words reverberated in his head…
"You did all this just to *see* that misery all over? What madness is this!"
His gaze rose to Edren's and he realized: Hadn't his friend said those very words not two minutes ago? It was frighteningly familiar.
"Edren," he whispered, so quietly, he could barely hear it. "I can't- I don't believe I've already fallen into my despair so soon." He shook his head slowly, and looked up at the rafters above them. "I am glad Aragorn can't see me now."
He soon felt a finger press lightly against his chin, and slide his sight back to the elf standing in front of him. Edren's eyes were bright and full of promise as he whispered: "He would be proud of how you have tried. You cannot be asked or expected to hold on for so long, only to let go so quickly. It's going to take time. But you have time, Legolas. Don't rush yourself. Please."
Legolas held the other's gaze steadily a long moment. "Aragorn was right," he murmured at last. Edren cocked his head to the side in question. "Estel remains. I'm watching it. Right now. I see it in your eyes, Edren." Legolas' silver gaze jumped from Edren's right eye to his left and back in rapid secession over and over. He finally smiled. "I never thought I'd see that glint again. I only wish I could have shown it myself." He shook his head, and looked down at his bloody hands. "I disgrace Aragorn's memory by all I've done since he passed."
"Not all," Edren corrected kindly. "Not just now. Not when you acknowledged the parting words of your friend. 'Estel remains'. Don't you think he'd be proud to hear that?"
"You're right," Legolas sighed. "But if it's all right with you…I think I'd prefer to not think about him right now."
Edren nodded. "I understand completely."
"I knew you would." Legolas gave a half smile, and stepped through the doorway.
"Legolas-" Edren jumped at the sudden movement, and was surprised to see Legolas doing what he'd just resolved not to. "What are you doing?"
Legolas turned back around, and shook his head. "True. I would be more than wrong to take Mornaeg's blood. But that does *not* mean I'm leaving him unpunished. He will find judgment with my father, and all that abide in Mirkwood." Legolas shook his head, and looked down at the floor. "He will surely be banished from this realm," he added, trying hard to look as though he did *not* relish the thought.
Edren looked upon his friend with a worried eye. He didn't like the way the prince was discussing the evil elf. But he didn't have time to mention it, for Legolas walked into the room, and Edren had to quicken his pace to make his entrance simultaneous with the prince's.
As they walked in, they realized that there had been an accident, or something. Paper swirled all over the floor, ink spread to the four corners of the room, blankets were ripped, pillows slashed, and the bedposts missing junks. Everything appeared to have been shredded by a knife at least once. Even the floor and walls held signs of a blade.
The writing desk was the only thing still standing, and even it was missing chunks of wood. The chair, however, had been reduced to sticks and splinters that lay in a growing pond of green ink.
Protruding from the writing desk's surface was an arrow. Legolas ran to the desk, and jerked the arrow free. Briefly inspecting the fletching, he realized it was his own. The one he'd shot Mornaeg in the knee with, no doubt.
Dropping the arrow, he quickly grabbed the note it had been pinning to the desk. The letters on it were written in an all-too-familiar shade of red. The bloodlike ink Mornaeg had poured over his tunic to cover Aragorn's blood, that night he attacked the helpless Ranger.
Shaking with rage at the very sight of the ink-ink that still sparkled from recent use-Legolas read the ominous letters carefully.
Tithen Lindo,
The foolish human is no more. Good. And you? What are you? You are breaking, you know it. You have become a monster you cannot control. I was right in making you me, when I targeted the fiér as Minaeg. You are *so* like me, and therefore, perhaps will become as I am now. Broken. Spent. An offering to the shadows. Let me be destroyed.
And so I wonder: when are you coming? Oh, not yet. Soon. Let yourself be 'changed' for awhile. That will make you feel good, won't it, Lindo? Deceive yourself awhile. And when you realize that you can't change, that you are lost to despair, that you have nothing to live for, come. Join me. I miss you, mellon nin.
Uuva-le iest le tyar-al sina naeg im.
Uuvam rim ad, Lindo, ea datha mi Mandossea im.
Mornaeg,
Tiro Lim
Legolas' fingers closed slowly, the paper crumpling beneath the pressure. Edren studied the elf carefully. Did he know? He couldn't. Not after all this. Mornaeg had gone too far this time. He was going to undo everything at this rate…everything he'd done, he'd sacrificed.
"Legolas?"
The prince shook his head. "It's terrifying."
"What is?"
"It's seems so…familiar to me. But I don't remember it. That's what is so terrifying. It's like…like when you wake up in a…"
"…in a dream," Edren finished unconsciously. Realizing how obvious he'd been, his head shot up. Had he noticed?
"Yes," Legolas nodded, and didn't notice Edren sigh in silent relief. "When you wake up from a daydream, and fight so hard to remember it. And yet- yet you don't quite want to, because why should you? It wasn't real. It didn't happen."
Edren closed his eyes against the words. Right now, Legolas had now way of knowing his friend was feeling the same familiarity pain. Please stop. He thought quietly. Please, Legolas, before you remember too much…
Legolas shook his head, and looked around the room once more, trying to push those thoughts away for now. His eyes caught the window, where slashed curtains hung, like a collection of dirty rags. Mornaeg's demented knife strokes hadn't spared a thing. Not even the rich curtains.
Legolas ran to the windowsill, and found a bloodied knife-perhaps the one that has caused so much damage-lying on the floor. He didn't stoop to pick it up, he knew whose it was. Leaning reluctantly over the sill, he saw what he was afraid he would.
An elf caught in a tree. He lay, pale and limp, and covered in blood. Legolas closed his eyes. "Oh Mornaeg…" he whispered. The elf had indeed thrown himself over the windowsill, and Legolas knew he was probably staring down from Mandos as the friends stood by his death place.
"Namä rié , Tiro Lim."
Edren's head shot around, until he was looking intently at Legolas. "Why do you call him that?"
"I don't know…he said it in the note, and…it felt right." Legolas' eyebrows creased with confusion. "I'm sorry, my friend, I just- I don't understand any of it."
Edren sighed. "I know."
"You-"
"Don't get me wrong, mellon nin, I don't pretend to understand what is going on any better than you. But- I know that…that it must be hard."
Legolas shook his head. "What are you talking about?"
Edren sighed. "It's hard to- to have Mornaeg in your past for so long, and not know…I'm just sorry he went this way." Edren cocked his head to the window, and tried to smile. "But, at least he will never hurt another as he has you."
Legolas tried to feel encouraged by this, but somehow…now that Mornaeg was gone, he felt a great hole somewhere inside of him. Why did he care? He was all set to kill the elf himself not long ago. He glanced down at the note once more, reading the last line.
Uuvam rim ad, Lindo, ea datha mi Mandossea im.
"I will *not* join you in Mandos, Mornaeg. You are wrong. I am not like you." Legolas grabbed the arrow that he'd shot Mornaeg with, shoving the note back onto the pointed end. Stringing his bow with it, he aimed out the window, and sent the arrow flying over Mirkwood. It soared over the treetops, and then, with a birdlike dive, disappeared amongst their shadowed leaves.
"Goodbye." He said flatly, and turned from the window.