Chapter 51: And now the end is near…

Title: Reunion time.

Author: Nikka

Author notes: Hi everyone, If you need to know about summary, rate and all the rest it's all in chapter 1 I'll just remind you that *English is not my native tongue* so you may find some spelling & grammar mistakes, you're more than welcome to let me know about them but remember you may find them while you read the story. Have fun.

Disclaimer: Angel & Buffy's characters are not my creation (wish they were) they belong to Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt. Other characters that are not familiar from the show do belong to me.

Author's remark: My chapters as of ch 12 will no longer be reproof by Sigma due to the fact that I have no internet and I'm asking someone else to post the remaining chapters for me. I want to take this opportunity and thank sigma for all the help. And I hope you will continue reading my story even without the excellent work sigma has done. Thank you again sigma for all your great work.

***

Just imagine this song playing in the background while you read the next scene. I'll incorporate the lyrics in-between lines.

Angel by Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay

He took an unnecessary breath and opened the letter, Staring at it for a few moments. As if she was there beside him he could hear her voice, reading out her letter, her sweet voice echoed in his mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hi. I could start this letter with 'If you're reading these lines I must be…' Well you know the rest. But I thought I'd spear you the cliche.

First thing, I want you to stop blaming Lorne this is not his fault. He just did what I asked him to. Okay?"

** He nodded his head, agreeing to her request, knowing she's right.***

"I bet you're sitting in your hotel room right now, in the dark, alone, all gloomy. Right? Of course I am, I know you too well."

**He allowed himself a tiny smile, which vanished as soon as it appeared, thinking of the huge smug smile she would have had if she was there beside him**.

There's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day

"But the thing is, instead of feeling sorrow and grief like a normal person, you probably feel angry and pissed with me. Then again you never were normal."

**She read him like an open book. He wanted to feel what normal people felt when they lost the person they love, but he couldn't allow those feelings to surface. He knew what they'd bring with them, and he liked his denial, he liked pretending she was just about to walk through the bedroom doors and yell at him for not picking up after himself, or for being too busy with work**

I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
"Angel, There's nothing I can say that would make you feel better. All I can say is that I'm sorry, but if I had to, I'd do the same thing all over again. Not telling you about this was the hardest and most terrifying decision I had to do in a long while. I know after my birthday we promised to each other to never hold back again, but I have to. You see, there is no way for you to help, and I know that if I'll tell you, I'll end up losing you, and that I can't handle. I hope someday you'll be able to understand that and forgive. Forgive me, but more importantly forgive yourself.

I know you. You are blaming yourself. Sitting in your room thinking 'what if'. Well…Don't! It's not your fault, whatever happens; no matter how it ends, it is all my choice. I caused it not you. And I know you find it hard to accept right now, but hopefully one day you will. Heck, you have eternity to get there.

**He smiled a bitter smile**

In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

"You are more than my friend Angel; you are my guide, my compass, my champion. You saved me more times than I can count, and for that I will always be grateful. You took me in when no one else would; you saw more in me than I ever thought existed. And for that I will always love you.

**He sighed, taking it all in, stopping before going on to the next page. He wanted to believe her; he wanted to just accept the fact that there was nothing he could have done. But accepting that meant accepting the fact that she was gone, for good. And for that he wasn't ready no yet**

"In that note there's another thing I have to say, so listen up"

**He was attentive and ready to hear what she had to say… or write that is.**

"... Snap out of it, will you!"

**He looked at the letter surprised, reading it again not sure he read it correctly.**

I may be gone, but you're not, Connor's not and neither are all the other people out there who are counting on you to help them. You have a mission; don't lose sight of it just because I'm not around. You got over losing Doyle, and Buffy. You're strong; you can get through this as well. You just need to let the people who love and care for you in. Let them help you through this. Don't shut them out. Don't shut life out.

**Who was she to lecture me about letting people in.** he thought to himself **she didn't, not once but twice.**

"My sweet loving Angel."

**The tone of the letter changed and so did his temper.**

"You and the home we built is the light in my very bleak and scary world. Somehow with you around everything seemed not to suck. even when we were broke.

**A little smile appeared on his face, as he remembered the days they were barely able to pay the bills**

"Do what you do best, survive, and go on."

So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
 "Show the world to your son. And a tiny and selfish personal request… tell him about me, just a little bit, just so he'll know.

Don't be afraid to love again and to let her, who ever she may be, in. Don't be sad cause I'm gone, be happy that I was, I am.

I may not have had the fairy tale dream of a life one wishes for her or himself, but I can proudly say that in the time I was here I lived, truly lived. And for that I can never be sorry.

**As he read those lines a tear ran down his cheek. The frozen expression broke. The anger was replaced with sadness and sorrow he tried to avoid so desperately. And as he thought the emptiness soon followed.**

"Mourn, cry, kick the walls down, shut, curse the gods... Do whatever you have to, but feel. Don't hide up in your room and brood. I rather see you crying with the others than angry all alone.

It don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

"You know I love you, I always will. But don't let the love we shared consume you, let it stay in your heart but make way for a new one to arrive.

Goodbye my love, I'll miss you…."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He fell backwards onto the bed, holding the letter close to his heart.

In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
He could feel the memories he blocked afraid to feel creeping in. Till now he pushed them away, afraid to remember, knowing it would hurt too much.

From this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear


He wanted her so much, wanted to see her one last time, to tell her all the things he never got the chance to. Take her for a stroll on the beach at night with the moon shining above. Go to the movies. Talk. Laugh. Oh how he missed her.

You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie

A part of him was gone, a part he would never get back. He wanted to do as she asked but right now all he could do was love her, miss her. There was no more room for anything else.

. She said he saved her, but she was the one who saved him. She saved him from a lifetime of loneliness and darkness. She showed him the world, as he one day will show it to Connor. He knew she was the stronger one; she was the one that stood by him no matter how many stupid things he did, no matter how many times he lied to her or hurt her feelings. S he always forgave, and always took him back. The truth was that she was the true Angel. He just carried the name. He rolled to the side holding on to the letter holding on to her, his Angel.

You're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

***

They each sat in different corners, submerging into the letter, letting her words echo in their minds. From time to time one of them laughed the other sobbed softly.

The emotions changed so rapidly. Lorne who already read his letter took care of Connor. Been Mr. unpopularity at the moment, he thought it would be best if he took off for a while, so he took Connor out for a walk, glad there was still sunlight outside.

As each of them finished off the letter, they all gathered together, not sure what to say.

"It was so…" Fred wanted to express what she felt but was unable to.

"Beautiful." Wesley completed the sentence.

"I was thinking more in the ways of… pissing me off." Gunn said to their surprise. "It kills me she didn't trust us enough to confide in us."

"It's not like that Charles." Fred tried to explain. "She did it not cause she didn't trust us, but because she loved us."

"She didn't want us to get hurt, right? I read that part too, and I say- bullshit." Gunn cut her off.

"You're wrong." Fred disagreed. "I'm glad she didn't tell us. Knowing how it will end, how she will die… and be helpless. That would have been much worse."

"But who said we couldn't have helped? Just cause some priestesses told her so." He paused for a moment. "We changed things in the past, Stopped prophecies from coming true." Gunn said in anger.

"Maybe she didn't want to change this prophecy." Wesley stepped in. "Maybe she did it to prevent her vision from coming true."

"What? The greater good bullshit?" Gunn scorned Wesley's theory.

"It's what she believed in, what we all believed in. And hopefully still do." Wesley paused for a moment staring at Gunn. "You're angry and you have every right to be. We didn't just lose a friend, we lost a member of this family." Wesley's words were like knives. "We each have our own way to grief, so I suggest we do just that. Grief."

***

Slowly each of them retried to their own place they called home. Lorne finally came back about an hour later. To his relief he found the lobby empty. "Come on little fellow." He said to Connor. "Let's get you to bed. And then we'll get uncle Lorne to bed as well, cause he sure needs his beauty sleep, and some." He Picked Connor up and walked up the staircase. As he walked down the corridor to his room he saw Angel coming towards him. He flinched; running into Angel right now was the last thing he wanted. He backed away a bit.

"Don't worry Lorne you're safe." Angel said when he noticed Lorne's reaction. "I don't like the fact that you lied to me…"

"I didn't really lie…" Lorne cut him off.

"Fine! Hid things from me. But the point is I understand why you did it and I'm not mad." Lorne seemed skeptic. "Really I'm not."

"Is that a cunning way to get me to let my guards down so you can… you know…" Lorne hesitated.

"What guards?" Angle mocked him.

"Very funny big fellow." Lorne replied.

"I'll take Connor, you get some rest. The others did." Angel said as he took Connor.

"So that's where they all went." Lorne nodded in understanding.

"And Lorne." Angel said as Lorne turned to leave. "I'd stay in my room for the rest of the night. I don't know if the others will be as understanding as I am." Lorne smiled and rushed to his room.

***

That's the last one." Gunn said as he sealed the carton box. "Are you sure that's what she wanted? Cause last time someone gave her cloths to charity she flipped." Gunn asked as he glanced over to Angel.

"Very funny." Angel said from where he was sitting. "He looked up to see the enormous amount of boxes that was gathered in the lobby. "Good god, the woman loved shopping." He smiled.

"I'm Positive!" Lorne replied. "I showed you her note. She specifically said to give them to Fred and whatever Fred tosses away to give to charity." Lorne looked at Fred and the boxes. "I'm guessing she didn't think you'll pass on all of her cloths and shoes."

"I felt weird just looking at them. I could never have worn them. Only she could." Fred smiled.

"I know what you mean." Angel who was playing with Connor said. "We better load them up onto the track."

"And you laughed at me when I suggested the truck idea." Wesley said with a smug smile.

"What about this?" Fred pointed to a smaller box, one that was not sealed. "Her personal belongings."

"Well she did say we could have what we want, so I'm guessing…"

"No." Fred cut Gunn off. "Those things are her photos, letters, high school year book, perfume…" Fred paused for a moment. "We can't just divide them among us."

"Yes we can." Everyone turned to look at Angel surprised. "You guys, Cordy was our friend, our family. She wanted most of all to celebrate her live and not mourn her death. And by hiding everything that reminds us of her we are not honoring her wish, we're doing the opposite." Angel got up, putting Connor in his crib. "We should all take something that reminds us of her. We should put her photos on our desks, so she'll always be in our heart." He reached his hand and took her perfume soaking its scent. "Connor should know who she was, and so should the rest of the world." One by I one they reached in and took something of hers, something that made them feel as if she was standing beside them. The rest of the photos they spread around the Hotel. And decided to send some of her things to her parents. By late afternoon the lobby was empty. Every box was delivered. They stood in the lobby looking around trying to understand it all. Now that everything was done, now that all the arrangements were made, they had to start living again, which was the hardest part.

"So what now?" Fred asked.

"Is this Angel Investigation?" They all turned to the door. A man looking damn scared stared at them. "Well is it?" He asked in panic.

"Yes it is." Wesley replied.

"Good. I need your help." He said and walked in.

"I guess you got your answer." Angel whispered to Fred as they all followed Wesley and the man to the office.

***

"Can you believe it?" Fred asked Gunn.

"What?" Gunn said confused.

"It's been over two months since we lost her." Fred said

"I try not to count the days, it only makes it worse. Just concentrate on the job. And luckily for us there's plenty of it." Gunn said and returned to his file. "We should pay Mrs. Silverstone a visit to see if the…"

"But I can't help but think." Fred cut him off.

"What?" He put the file on the desk crossed his armed and turned in his chair to face her, knowing they'll never get to work till she gets it off her chest.

"What about the visions?" Fred asked

"Who needs them." Gunn snorted. "We're busy as it is, helping the helpless and ourselves along the way." He grinned.

"No, something isn't right here." Fred chewed on her pencil.

"What's wrong here is, that while Wes is cataloging and Angel, who should enjoy his new permanent-soul-thing and go out more, has buried himself into work, us two are chattering instead of working. That's what's wrong." Gunn turned around grabbed the file and was just about to read when…

"That's normal. We're all repressing. Trying to go on without really accepting the fact that she's gone. But the visions…"

"Okay that's it." Gunn stood up. "I'm going to the kitchen to review these files." He grabbed a bunch of files from the desk.

"But Gunn…"

"If you decide you want to work, really work, you know where to find me." And he walked out.

"Gunn…" Fred ran after him calling out to him. Gunn walked to the lobby where Angel was busy going over some files, Wesley was doing his inventory and Lorne was playing with Connor. "Don't be such a baby, I just wanted to…"

"Hello." Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned to the door where a young woman stood. "Is this Angel Investigations?"

***

The woman walked down the doorway stairs and into the lobby. She had a soft voice with an Australian accent. She had long wavy brown hair, penetrating brown-hazel eyes. She was wearing a long flowery skirt and a white blouse with a corduroy jacket on top.

"Yes it is. Can I help you?" Fred walked towards her. "I'm Fred." Fred reached out her hand.

"Nice to meet you." The woman shook Fred's hand. "I'm Sarah."

"What can we do for you Sarah?" Wesley, who stood up, asked.

"Well, I'm actually looking for Angel. Is any of you…?" She stopped when she spotted Angel sitting on the couch.

"I'm Angel." Angel walked towards her.

"I know." She said in a frightened tone.

"You do?" Fred asked confused.

"Well I'm…" She stammered.

"It's alright, whatever it is, we'll understand." Angel who sensed her fear tried to assure her

"I'm not so sure you will, I barely do." Sarah replied.

"Here let's sit down." He showed her to the rounded couch. Angel sat beside her as the rest gathered around. Except for Lorne who stayed back, not to frighten her even further. "Just start at the beginning." Fred handed her a glass of water.

"Thank you." She said politely. She slowly sipped form the glass looking up at the egger faces staring at her. "I know it might sound crazy to you. I myself still can't believe this is happening to me."

"It's okay. Take it slow." Gunn said in a soothing voice.

"It started about three weeks ago." Sarah began to explain.

"What started?" Fred inquired.

"The hallucinations." She paused for a moment staring at Angel. "But if you really do exist then they weren't hallucinations, were they?"

"Excuse me?" Angel was confused. She wasn't making any sense, but then he remembered what she said before. "You said you knew me, you recognized me, from where?"

"From the hallucinations." Sarah replied. "That's why I'm here. I kept seeing you fighting with someone, time after time. And I kept seeing a business card with a funny shape on it that said 'Angel Investigations L.A.', so I came here." She explained.

"Is this the card?" Fred handed her one of their business cards.

"Oh god." Sarah gasped as she dropped the card.

"It's okay." Angel calmed her.

"No it's not!" She got up and started pacing around. "I was a normal person till a few weeks ago. I had a family, a job I loved, and someone I cared for. I had a life. And then this happened." She stopped pacing and stood still. "I would be in a mall, or at work and suddenly a strange, sharp headache came from no where. I'd drop to the floor screaming from the pain, and then I would see them. The hallucinations." Sarah stopped talking as she realized they were staring at her with the same scared frightened look she had just a few moments ago. "I knew you wouldn't believe me. No one does." She said and ran towards the door.

***

Sarah flinched back when Angel appeared form nowhere and blocked her way.

"Trust me when I say I believe you." He said and Sarah backed away slowly.

"What are you? You're not…?"

"Human?" Angel finished her sentence. "No I'm not. And I'm guessing neither are you."

"What? Sarah raised her voice. "You're crazy, all of you." She past by him and walked to the door.

"Do you know who your parents are?" Wesley called out to her. Sarah stopped, her hand on the doorknob. Wesley was on to something. "You don't, do you?"

"I know who my mom is…" She replied and turned around letting go of the doorknob. "But I never met my father. My parents divorced when I was a little girl and he moved away. I never met him in my life."

"Do you know why they divorced?" Fred asked.

"He was a bastard that abundant his family, I think that's reason enough." Sarah said in an angry tone. Fred felt awkward.

"Did weird things happened to you before the hallucinations?" Gunn asked, ignoring Sarah's remark regarding her father.

"Weird how?" Sarah walked towards them. She was curious.

"Weird like…" Fred decided to try again, hoping she won't bite her head off. "…You could do things others couldn't, maybe special abilities?"

"How did you…?" Sarah nodded her head. "I never told anyone except my mom. She said it was genetic, something I should hide from others, so they won't think I'm a freak."

"So she wasn't surprised?" Angel asked. "Ever wondered why? Ever thought she was keeping something from you, maybe something about your father."

"I don't…" Sarah was confused; she didn't know what to think. "My mom would never… she was just trying to protect me." Sarah paused for a moment. "I'm not a freak!" she said in a firmly tone.

"No. You're not." Angel walked towards her. "You're special, and you have a special gift. A gift someone I knew use to have."

"What kind of gift?" Sarah asked intrigued.

"Those hallucinations. They're actually visions. You can see into the future. See people in trouble, so you, hopefully with our help, can help them."

"No…" She shook her head in disbelieve.

"They're not bad. They're meant to help people. They are sent to you by powerful beings that want you to help those people. The same powers that told you to come and see me. This is your destiny, this is your call."

"So I'm… what? Like superman?" she giggled.

If anything Superwoman." Fred said with a smile.

"The correct term is, part demon-part human."

"So you're saying my dad was a … demon?" Sarah asked in astonishment.

"Could have been your mother, only she learned to hide it well so no one will tell. That can explain the father's sudden departure, yet again…" Angel cleared his throat and Wesley stopped, realizing he was making Sarah uncomfortable.

"No it can't be." Sarah refused to believe.

"That's why you could do things others couldn't. That's why you received the visions. And that's why you were sent to me." Angel replied.

"No, it makes no sense? If what you say is true, then you should be in trouble and you don't look like you're in trouble." Sarah said.

"But I am." Angel said to her surprise. "It's just that my trouble is not the kind you cam see." Angel kept on. "I have a calling too, a mission towards redemption." Angel paused for a moment. "I did some horrible things in my lifetime, things that need to be amended for. I use the visions, with the help of my friends, to help others. To make up for all the wrong I did."

"So let me get this straight." Sarah crossed her arms. "I'm suppose to leave my work, my family, my life, my continent and join you and your friends to become this freak who's part of a freak detective agency, to help others but mainly save your ass, so you can feel good about yourself in the end of the day?" Sarah summed it up.

"If you want to." Angel replied. Not really bothered by what she said.

"We are not freaks." Fred, who obviously was bothered by her words, said.

"It's not like I have a choice." Sarah said cynically.

"As someone once told me; everyone has a choice. Just make sure you make the right one." Angel paused for a moment letting her absorb it all. "So what do you say Sarah? Do you want to join us in our mission to help the helpless? Do you want to be a part of 'Angel Investigation'?" they all watched as, for the first time since she came here, a little smile appeared on her face, a smile that said it all.

***

THE END!

Hi ppl,

WOW, I did it, it's done. God that was a long journey, I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for joining me along for the ride. For your patience, your feedbacks, your love, your comments and of course for the so-very loved and appreciated reviews, I want to thank you. There are so many names of faithful readers that come to mind, that if I start naming them I'll never finish, so I won't. I'll just say that This story ran for over a year. I wrote it as my life went through major changes, and I think those changes of course influenced me, and therefore influenced the story. I have to say I'm going to miss writing this fic. As the song says… "I grown a costume to it's…" I'm still going to keep on writing, and let's not forget I do have my other fic….

I know some of you suffered cause of my spelling mistakes, but when I made the decision not to replace Sigma (who did amazing work in re-proofing this fic and for that I have to say a big thank you again) I did so cause of you guys, the readers. I didn't want you to wait too long for a chapter to be uploaded, which in the end didn't matter all that much cause you waited anyway, lol. Anyway, I know it's not easy reading a story with mistakes in it, even the small ones (who usually pisses me the most). Thank you for the support and for saying time and time again, it wasn't so bad to read my story filled with mistakes.

Hope you enjoyed it, I know the ending is not what must of you wanted or expected, I thought this was the best way to end it. And I still do.

So one last time I'm calling out to anyone who ever read this fic, doesn't matter if you reviewed before, to review one last time. And don't just write 'Great job', let me know what you really think.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart and see you in the next and current fics I'm writing.

Yours Nikka :-) :-) :-) :-):-) :-):-) :-) :-) :-):-) :-):-) :-) :-) :-):-) :-):-) :-):-) :-)