Chapter Four: Hints from the Past
It took no small effort on Lupin's and Sirius's parts to silence the portrait of the shrieking Mrs. Black. Tonks was still red-faced when they all went down to the kitchen to finish preparations for a late supper.
The meal itself began very tensely. Molly was in an angry mood, and her temper was not helped by her twin sons Fred and George, whose efforts to help set the table nearly toppled the pot full of stew and sent a flagon of butterbeer flying. Ultimately it was Lupin who smoothed things over and allowed dinner to commence as smoothly as it did.
Eventually, the tension melted somewhat. Molly sat stiffly and ate little, casting nasty looks at Mundungus, who had finally awoken and was stuffing his face full of Molly's outstanding food while entertaining the twins and Molly's youngest son Ron with a story of his illegal exploits. Lupin found himself drawn into a discussion about goblins, but his eyes wandered rather frequently over to Tonks, who was amusing Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley-the youngest Weasley child and the only girl-by changing the shape of her nose. Lupin found a small smile curling his lips at Tonks's antics.
"Oi, are you listening, Remus?" Bill asked sharply.
"What?" Lupin blinked and turned his eyes to Bill. "Oh, sorry."
"Wake up, Remus," said Bill, grinning.
"Forgive me," said Lupin. "I'm really quite tired." He grimaced as he felt the familiar heat creeping up his neck, but Bill and Arthur hadn't seemed to notice the cause of his distraction, and they continued talking.
Lupin was at least pleased to see that Harry had eaten his fill. As the meal wound down everyone became noticeably sleepy; Tonks was yawning and stretching in her chair.
"I'd best be off, then," she announced, standing up. "Need some sleep if I'm going to put in an extra shift tomorrow."
She glanced at Lupin and gave him a shy smile. Lupin smiled back. She made her way out of the kitchen, bumping into a few chairs along the way, and left. Lupin wondered where she lived; he assumed she must reside somewhere in London. Did she live alone? Have a roommate?
A lover?
"I think she likes you," said Sirius in a low voice.
"What?" Lupin said sharply, sitting up, willing himself not to turn red in the face.
"Tonks," said Sirius, grinning.
"Oh," said Lupin, "well. That's good to know. I expect we'll be working together in the future."
Sirius looked at Lupin through narrowed eyes, then shook his head. "You know, Remus, you're hopeless." Sirius then turned to Harry, leaving Lupin to wonder just what was meant by that comment.
He didn't have time to dwell on it, however; quickly enough Harry was asking the questions he'd been bursting to ask all summer. Molly was objecting strenuously to his finding out anything at all; Sirius and Molly were arguing about what was best for Harry.
Once again, Lupin stepped in and smoothed things over, cutting off what was about to become an extremely heated argument. He had been doing a lot of this lately. Tensions had been running so high since coming to this house he had long begun to question Dumbledore's wisdom in choosing it for a headquarters. And much of the tension had to be attributed to Sirius, for whom this place was little better than Azkaban, even without the Dementors.
In the end, Molly was overruled. Everyone was allowed to remain behind except Ginny Weasley (something Ginny found to be very unfair and vocally protested having to go to bed). Lupin felt a pang of sympathy for her; she was only ten months younger than Ron and in all likelihood Harry might tell her what he learned anyway. Or he might not, which would only make her feel left out, as she often felt being the youngest-and the only girl-in a family full of boys.
It was only when Sirius had begun the descent into the subject of the thing Voldemort was looking for that Molly reinserted herself.
"I want you in bed," she snapped. "Now. All of you."
"You can't boss us-" Fred started, clearly affronted at the idea of his mother ordering him around even though he was now 17 and considered an adult.
"Watch me," she growled, and Fred shrank back from his mother. There was simply no defying her when she was in this kind of mood. She glared at Sirius. "You've given Harry quite enough information. Any more and you might as well induct him into the Order."
"Why not?" Harry asked, standing up eagerly. "I want to join. I want to fight-"
At this Lupin stood up.
"No, Harry," he said firmly. "The Order is comprised only of adult wizards. Wizards who have left school," he added, for Fred and George's benefit. "There are dangers out there now that none of you can begin to understand. We've said enough."
Lupin glanced at Sirius, who only nodded stiffly, and with that, the conversation was closed. Harry's shoulders sagged as he followed the twins, Hermione and Ron out of the kitchen. Molly, Arthur and Bill all nodded to Lupin and Sirius, and left.
Lupin watched him go, part of him wishing he could tell Harry the whole truth, part of him believing that Harry should know everything.
"He's not going to be satisfied with this," said Sirius, looking worried. "I know him, Remus. He'll go looking for more answers than we can give him."
"Yes," said Lupin thoughtfully. "He always did have a rather overeager sense of curiosity."
"Dammit," said Sirius, pounding the table. "Dumbledore should let me tell him. He needs to know. He's not a kid anymore."
"Dumbledore has to have his reasons," said Lupin stiffly.
"I'm Harry's godfather," Sirius said hotly. "Not Dumbledore."
"In two weeks Harry is Dumbledore's responsibility," said Lupin, trying to sound placating and reasonable at the same time. Sirius had been given to very angry displays of temper lately. Lupin normally indulged his best friend and allowed him to rail, but tonight, he was simply too tired to hear it. He'd just as soon avoid another rant from Sirius.
"God forbid Dumbledore trusts me to take care of him," said Sirius bitterly. "I can't even leave this godforsaken house."
His eyes met Lupin, and Lupin felt a pang. For all the times Lupin had railed against his own fate, against the cruelty of his condition, he could feel only pity for Sirius at that moment. His whole life Sirius Black had been restless; never content to sit still and let things go by him, but always inserting himself into the action. It had gotten him into plenty of trouble while they were in school together, but then, Lupin had always relished being around Sirius-and James-for their rebelliousness. For Sirius to be stuck in this house now, without even the opportunity to step outside, must be hell.
"I'm sorry, friend," said Lupin. Sirius nodded, and said nothing, because there was nothing to say.
A familiar chiming broke the silence. Lupin clicked off the pocket watch.
"Potion time, I take it," Sirius said, as Lupin reached into the pocket of his robes and withdrew another flask.
"Yes," said Lupin, uncorking the flask and downing the potion inside.
"Is it already a week until-"
"Yes," said Lupin, grimacing at the bitter taste of the potion as it slid down his throat. "By this time next weekend I'll be locked in my room, covered with fur and eating out of a dog dish."
"Bloody hell," said Sirius. "Listen to me, griping about my problems."
"Why don't we just say we're both wretched and call it even?" said Lupin, smiling wryly.
"It wouldn't be quite so bad if I had a nice woman to keep me company," Sirius mused, grinning. "Know any nice, attractive women who wouldn't mind spending some quality time with a convict-slash-fugitive, do you?"
Lupin laughed. "You haven't changed a bit, have you? Always have your mind on women. Between you and James I'm amazed I got any dates at all when we were in school."
"Give me a break, Remus," said Sirius. "I was in prison for twelve years. Didn't get to even look at a woman the whole time I was there. And being a fugitive doesn't exactly bode well for romantic interludes. Not like I could invite a nice young lady to my cave and share a meal of rats, could I?" He laughed, and Lupin found himself laughing along.
"You've done about as well as I have, then," said Lupin. "As for whether I know any nice women to introduce you to, I'm afraid not. I'm about as successful at meeting women today as I was in school."
"Oh, now, you weren't so bad with the girls," said Sirius.
"No, not so bad," said Lupin, blushing just a bit. "I did quite a bang up job of attracting homely, serious types who needed help with their studies, didn't I?"
"Are you saying Tonks is homely?"
"Tonks?" said Lupin quickly, feeling himself blush even more deeply. "Who said anything about Tonks? What does she have to do with-"
"Your ability to attract women?" said Sirius, grinning wickedly.
"That's absurd," said Lupin at once, not daring to allow Sirius to lead the conversation where he so clearly wanted to take it.
"What, that my first cousin once removed might find you a bit interesting?" said Sirius, sitting back in his chair. "You know, mate, that's your trouble. You're too hard on yourself. No wonder you had trouble with girls. No confidence whatsoever. Women love a man who's confident."
"Easy for you to say," said Lupin, with a trace of bitterness. "You were the handsome one, remember? You practically had a fan club."
"I'm not so handsome anymore," said Sirius. "And we're not talking about me, we're talking about you."
"What's to discuss?" said Lupin, feeling very uncomfortable. He'd always felt uncomfortable about women. Talking about women. Thinking about women. Looking at women. Being with a woman...
He blinked and looked at the floor, not wanting to let his mind wander to the last time he'd actually been with a woman. In that way. It had been so long ago. And it had ended so badly, he'd vowed never to venture down that path again. It had been quite easier than he'd thought. He'd simply closed that part of himself off. The part that wanted, that needed to feel a woman's skin, to take her in his arms and taste her lips, feel her move beneath him...
No, he'd put that part of himself away, in a neat little compartment, and focused on other things. His work. His physical condition, which gave him a perfect excuse to avoid romantic entanglements with any member of the opposite sex. The Order. He had plenty to take his mind off his...other needs.
"What's to discuss is the fact that my first cousin once removed is interested in you," said Sirius. "Now, I am rather protective of her, of course, but since you're my best mate I can't help but approve of her interest in you."
Lupin laughed nervously and shook his head. "You're off your nut, Sirius. Tonks is fifteen years younger than me and...and far too...too lovely to give an old man like me the time of day."
"There's that lack of confidence again," said Sirius.
"Oh no," Lupin protested. "I'm fully confident that Tonks isn't interested in me."
"But you're interested in her," said Sirius. It was not a question.
Lupin swallowed. He couldn't look at Sirius just then.
"Well, she's quite...quite nice, isn't she?" said Lupin.
"Nice," said Sirius. "Nice. No wonder you're pathetic with women."
"Thanks," said Lupin. "Look, Sirius, even if...and that's a huge 'if'...Tonks had the slightest interest in me...romantically...and even if I were interested in her...in that way...it wouldn't go anywhere."
"Why?"
"You know why," said Lupin.
"You can't hide behind that excuse forever," said Sirius.
"Yes, I can," Lupin retorted.
"It doesn't have to be that way for you-"
"Dammit, Sirius," said Lupin angrily, standing up and pacing now. "You know what happened the last time I tried to...you know what happened."
"You're taking the Wolfsbane Draught now," said Sirius. "You're no danger to anyone anymore-"
"I don't know if this stuff will work forever!" Lupin shouted, feeling his temper rising and hating himself for allowing himself to lose control like this. "There's only so high a dose of this stuff a person can stand. What if I start to develop an immunity to it? What if it stops working?"
"There might be a cure by then-"
"I can't rest my hopes on that!" Lupin snapped, running a hand through his greying hair, feeling wretched. "I can't risk-I can't."
He took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down, and sat in the chair opposite Sirius.
"Why are you pushing this, anyway?" said Lupin.
"Because I know you're bloody miserable," said Sirius, "and I thought it might be nice for you to have a little happiness. I can't have much for myself these days, see. So forgive me if I want to see the people I care about most have some. Harry. You. Tonks. I can be forgiven for wanting to live a little happiness vicariously through my friends, can't I?"
Lupin closed his eyes and put a hand over them, then sat back in his chair.
"You're a good friend, Sirius," said Lupin. "Look, I like Tonks. I...I think she's lovely. I hope to be her friend. And I hope she'll accept my friendship. But anything else...cannot be. I won't take that chance with her."
It took no small effort on Lupin's and Sirius's parts to silence the portrait of the shrieking Mrs. Black. Tonks was still red-faced when they all went down to the kitchen to finish preparations for a late supper.
The meal itself began very tensely. Molly was in an angry mood, and her temper was not helped by her twin sons Fred and George, whose efforts to help set the table nearly toppled the pot full of stew and sent a flagon of butterbeer flying. Ultimately it was Lupin who smoothed things over and allowed dinner to commence as smoothly as it did.
Eventually, the tension melted somewhat. Molly sat stiffly and ate little, casting nasty looks at Mundungus, who had finally awoken and was stuffing his face full of Molly's outstanding food while entertaining the twins and Molly's youngest son Ron with a story of his illegal exploits. Lupin found himself drawn into a discussion about goblins, but his eyes wandered rather frequently over to Tonks, who was amusing Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley-the youngest Weasley child and the only girl-by changing the shape of her nose. Lupin found a small smile curling his lips at Tonks's antics.
"Oi, are you listening, Remus?" Bill asked sharply.
"What?" Lupin blinked and turned his eyes to Bill. "Oh, sorry."
"Wake up, Remus," said Bill, grinning.
"Forgive me," said Lupin. "I'm really quite tired." He grimaced as he felt the familiar heat creeping up his neck, but Bill and Arthur hadn't seemed to notice the cause of his distraction, and they continued talking.
Lupin was at least pleased to see that Harry had eaten his fill. As the meal wound down everyone became noticeably sleepy; Tonks was yawning and stretching in her chair.
"I'd best be off, then," she announced, standing up. "Need some sleep if I'm going to put in an extra shift tomorrow."
She glanced at Lupin and gave him a shy smile. Lupin smiled back. She made her way out of the kitchen, bumping into a few chairs along the way, and left. Lupin wondered where she lived; he assumed she must reside somewhere in London. Did she live alone? Have a roommate?
A lover?
"I think she likes you," said Sirius in a low voice.
"What?" Lupin said sharply, sitting up, willing himself not to turn red in the face.
"Tonks," said Sirius, grinning.
"Oh," said Lupin, "well. That's good to know. I expect we'll be working together in the future."
Sirius looked at Lupin through narrowed eyes, then shook his head. "You know, Remus, you're hopeless." Sirius then turned to Harry, leaving Lupin to wonder just what was meant by that comment.
He didn't have time to dwell on it, however; quickly enough Harry was asking the questions he'd been bursting to ask all summer. Molly was objecting strenuously to his finding out anything at all; Sirius and Molly were arguing about what was best for Harry.
Once again, Lupin stepped in and smoothed things over, cutting off what was about to become an extremely heated argument. He had been doing a lot of this lately. Tensions had been running so high since coming to this house he had long begun to question Dumbledore's wisdom in choosing it for a headquarters. And much of the tension had to be attributed to Sirius, for whom this place was little better than Azkaban, even without the Dementors.
In the end, Molly was overruled. Everyone was allowed to remain behind except Ginny Weasley (something Ginny found to be very unfair and vocally protested having to go to bed). Lupin felt a pang of sympathy for her; she was only ten months younger than Ron and in all likelihood Harry might tell her what he learned anyway. Or he might not, which would only make her feel left out, as she often felt being the youngest-and the only girl-in a family full of boys.
It was only when Sirius had begun the descent into the subject of the thing Voldemort was looking for that Molly reinserted herself.
"I want you in bed," she snapped. "Now. All of you."
"You can't boss us-" Fred started, clearly affronted at the idea of his mother ordering him around even though he was now 17 and considered an adult.
"Watch me," she growled, and Fred shrank back from his mother. There was simply no defying her when she was in this kind of mood. She glared at Sirius. "You've given Harry quite enough information. Any more and you might as well induct him into the Order."
"Why not?" Harry asked, standing up eagerly. "I want to join. I want to fight-"
At this Lupin stood up.
"No, Harry," he said firmly. "The Order is comprised only of adult wizards. Wizards who have left school," he added, for Fred and George's benefit. "There are dangers out there now that none of you can begin to understand. We've said enough."
Lupin glanced at Sirius, who only nodded stiffly, and with that, the conversation was closed. Harry's shoulders sagged as he followed the twins, Hermione and Ron out of the kitchen. Molly, Arthur and Bill all nodded to Lupin and Sirius, and left.
Lupin watched him go, part of him wishing he could tell Harry the whole truth, part of him believing that Harry should know everything.
"He's not going to be satisfied with this," said Sirius, looking worried. "I know him, Remus. He'll go looking for more answers than we can give him."
"Yes," said Lupin thoughtfully. "He always did have a rather overeager sense of curiosity."
"Dammit," said Sirius, pounding the table. "Dumbledore should let me tell him. He needs to know. He's not a kid anymore."
"Dumbledore has to have his reasons," said Lupin stiffly.
"I'm Harry's godfather," Sirius said hotly. "Not Dumbledore."
"In two weeks Harry is Dumbledore's responsibility," said Lupin, trying to sound placating and reasonable at the same time. Sirius had been given to very angry displays of temper lately. Lupin normally indulged his best friend and allowed him to rail, but tonight, he was simply too tired to hear it. He'd just as soon avoid another rant from Sirius.
"God forbid Dumbledore trusts me to take care of him," said Sirius bitterly. "I can't even leave this godforsaken house."
His eyes met Lupin, and Lupin felt a pang. For all the times Lupin had railed against his own fate, against the cruelty of his condition, he could feel only pity for Sirius at that moment. His whole life Sirius Black had been restless; never content to sit still and let things go by him, but always inserting himself into the action. It had gotten him into plenty of trouble while they were in school together, but then, Lupin had always relished being around Sirius-and James-for their rebelliousness. For Sirius to be stuck in this house now, without even the opportunity to step outside, must be hell.
"I'm sorry, friend," said Lupin. Sirius nodded, and said nothing, because there was nothing to say.
A familiar chiming broke the silence. Lupin clicked off the pocket watch.
"Potion time, I take it," Sirius said, as Lupin reached into the pocket of his robes and withdrew another flask.
"Yes," said Lupin, uncorking the flask and downing the potion inside.
"Is it already a week until-"
"Yes," said Lupin, grimacing at the bitter taste of the potion as it slid down his throat. "By this time next weekend I'll be locked in my room, covered with fur and eating out of a dog dish."
"Bloody hell," said Sirius. "Listen to me, griping about my problems."
"Why don't we just say we're both wretched and call it even?" said Lupin, smiling wryly.
"It wouldn't be quite so bad if I had a nice woman to keep me company," Sirius mused, grinning. "Know any nice, attractive women who wouldn't mind spending some quality time with a convict-slash-fugitive, do you?"
Lupin laughed. "You haven't changed a bit, have you? Always have your mind on women. Between you and James I'm amazed I got any dates at all when we were in school."
"Give me a break, Remus," said Sirius. "I was in prison for twelve years. Didn't get to even look at a woman the whole time I was there. And being a fugitive doesn't exactly bode well for romantic interludes. Not like I could invite a nice young lady to my cave and share a meal of rats, could I?" He laughed, and Lupin found himself laughing along.
"You've done about as well as I have, then," said Lupin. "As for whether I know any nice women to introduce you to, I'm afraid not. I'm about as successful at meeting women today as I was in school."
"Oh, now, you weren't so bad with the girls," said Sirius.
"No, not so bad," said Lupin, blushing just a bit. "I did quite a bang up job of attracting homely, serious types who needed help with their studies, didn't I?"
"Are you saying Tonks is homely?"
"Tonks?" said Lupin quickly, feeling himself blush even more deeply. "Who said anything about Tonks? What does she have to do with-"
"Your ability to attract women?" said Sirius, grinning wickedly.
"That's absurd," said Lupin at once, not daring to allow Sirius to lead the conversation where he so clearly wanted to take it.
"What, that my first cousin once removed might find you a bit interesting?" said Sirius, sitting back in his chair. "You know, mate, that's your trouble. You're too hard on yourself. No wonder you had trouble with girls. No confidence whatsoever. Women love a man who's confident."
"Easy for you to say," said Lupin, with a trace of bitterness. "You were the handsome one, remember? You practically had a fan club."
"I'm not so handsome anymore," said Sirius. "And we're not talking about me, we're talking about you."
"What's to discuss?" said Lupin, feeling very uncomfortable. He'd always felt uncomfortable about women. Talking about women. Thinking about women. Looking at women. Being with a woman...
He blinked and looked at the floor, not wanting to let his mind wander to the last time he'd actually been with a woman. In that way. It had been so long ago. And it had ended so badly, he'd vowed never to venture down that path again. It had been quite easier than he'd thought. He'd simply closed that part of himself off. The part that wanted, that needed to feel a woman's skin, to take her in his arms and taste her lips, feel her move beneath him...
No, he'd put that part of himself away, in a neat little compartment, and focused on other things. His work. His physical condition, which gave him a perfect excuse to avoid romantic entanglements with any member of the opposite sex. The Order. He had plenty to take his mind off his...other needs.
"What's to discuss is the fact that my first cousin once removed is interested in you," said Sirius. "Now, I am rather protective of her, of course, but since you're my best mate I can't help but approve of her interest in you."
Lupin laughed nervously and shook his head. "You're off your nut, Sirius. Tonks is fifteen years younger than me and...and far too...too lovely to give an old man like me the time of day."
"There's that lack of confidence again," said Sirius.
"Oh no," Lupin protested. "I'm fully confident that Tonks isn't interested in me."
"But you're interested in her," said Sirius. It was not a question.
Lupin swallowed. He couldn't look at Sirius just then.
"Well, she's quite...quite nice, isn't she?" said Lupin.
"Nice," said Sirius. "Nice. No wonder you're pathetic with women."
"Thanks," said Lupin. "Look, Sirius, even if...and that's a huge 'if'...Tonks had the slightest interest in me...romantically...and even if I were interested in her...in that way...it wouldn't go anywhere."
"Why?"
"You know why," said Lupin.
"You can't hide behind that excuse forever," said Sirius.
"Yes, I can," Lupin retorted.
"It doesn't have to be that way for you-"
"Dammit, Sirius," said Lupin angrily, standing up and pacing now. "You know what happened the last time I tried to...you know what happened."
"You're taking the Wolfsbane Draught now," said Sirius. "You're no danger to anyone anymore-"
"I don't know if this stuff will work forever!" Lupin shouted, feeling his temper rising and hating himself for allowing himself to lose control like this. "There's only so high a dose of this stuff a person can stand. What if I start to develop an immunity to it? What if it stops working?"
"There might be a cure by then-"
"I can't rest my hopes on that!" Lupin snapped, running a hand through his greying hair, feeling wretched. "I can't risk-I can't."
He took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down, and sat in the chair opposite Sirius.
"Why are you pushing this, anyway?" said Lupin.
"Because I know you're bloody miserable," said Sirius, "and I thought it might be nice for you to have a little happiness. I can't have much for myself these days, see. So forgive me if I want to see the people I care about most have some. Harry. You. Tonks. I can be forgiven for wanting to live a little happiness vicariously through my friends, can't I?"
Lupin closed his eyes and put a hand over them, then sat back in his chair.
"You're a good friend, Sirius," said Lupin. "Look, I like Tonks. I...I think she's lovely. I hope to be her friend. And I hope she'll accept my friendship. But anything else...cannot be. I won't take that chance with her."