Chapter Ten: Fear
".there's always some food to be had round here."
Lupin and Tonks abruptly stopped kissing at the sound of the muffled voice behind the door.
"Don't remember shutting the door," said a gruff voice. Sirius.
The door clicked. Tonks leapt up off Lupin's lap and immediately stumbled into the chair she'd been sitting in. Lupin jumped up and caught her, then right himself.
"What the--" Sirius entered the kitchen. Followed by Emmeline Vance.
For a moment the four of them said nothing. Lupin was breathing heavily, his brain in a whirl, his mouth raw from kissing. Tonks was flushed, her chest rising and falling, her hair tangled. Sirius and Emmeline were wearing nightclothes.
"Well," said Sirius, his face breaking into a grin. "Good evening."
"Hi, Sirius," said Tonks, blushing furiously.
"Hello, Emmeline," said Lupin.
"Remus," she said.
Another moment of silence. Sirius then cleared his throat.
"Well, isn't this a bit awkward," he said wryly.
"Good lord, Nymphadora," said Emmeline suddenly, crossing the room gracefully. "What happened to you?"
Sirius followed and together he and Emmeline examined Tonks's cuts and bruises.
"Got mugged on the way home," said Tonks ruefully. "Muggle jumped on me. Got in a few good shots before I took him down. Remus was just, uh, cleaning me up."
"Was he?" said Sirius, turning slowly to Lupin and eyeing him shrewdly.
"Yeah," said Tonks.
"Yes," said Lupin.
"Right," said Sirius, smirking at Lupin. Lupin felt his face burn. Bastard, he thought.
"So, Emmeline, what are you doing here?" said Lupin pointedly.
Emmeline looked at Lupin coolly, her gaze austere and unruffled. "Sirius and I were having a discussion. We got hungry."
"Of course," said Lupin, smiling at her and then smirking at Sirius.
Another silence, this one longer than the last two.
"Well," said Tonks suddenly, her voice high and tight, "I'm feeling better. Thanks, Remus. I'll just take this chocolate and, uh, go upstairs and have a bath, I think."
"Are you sure you're all right, dear?" said Emmeline.
"Oh yeah, fine," said Tonks lightly, laughing nervously and glancing back at Lupin. "Shame about my dress, though. Cost me a bloody fortune. I'll have to see if my Mum can fix it, I'm useless when it comes to sewing spells and what. Anyway, good night."
She grabbed the remaining chocolate and her robes from the table. Her face had gone scarlet and she hurried out of the room, tripping just slightly on her robes.
Lupin watched her go, his mind still churning. Only a few moments ago they'd been on the floor, him sitting on his backside, her straddling him, kissing her frantically. Now he was alone in the kitchen with Sirius and Emmeline Vance. Lupin didn't even want to consider what Sirius and Emmeline might have been up to. He hadn't even been aware she'd stayed behind from the meeting.
"I'll just turn in," Lupin said quickly. Anything to escape the piercing gaze and smirk of Sirius.
"You do that," said Sirius. "We'll talk tomorrow."
"Oh, we certainly will," said Lupin, meeting his gaze. They held each other's eyes for a moment, and then Lupin nodded and strode out of the kitchen, thankful that his robes were hiding his still-present erection.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lupin shut the door firmly to his bedroom and began to pace. His erection had finally calmed down, and his brain was now fully awake. Too awake.
What the hell had he just done? All those weeks of telling himself he wouldn't, he couldn't, he shouldn't, and he had. A million voices were yelling at him in his mind.
This was Tonks's fault, he decided. Tonks, who had been flirting with him, teasing him, taking her clothes off in front of him, lifting her dress. She had started it tonight, hadn't she? She's the one who had taken his hand and put it on her breast, who had started kissing him.
You didn't push her away, did you? he thought. No, you participated quite enthusiastically.
Well, what else was I supposed to do?
Not kiss her, not fondle her like that. What would you have done if Sirius hadn't interrupted you?
I would have stopped.
No, you wouldn't have.
Lupin gave an exasperated sigh and sat down hard on his bed. He wouldn't have stopped. No sir, not at all. And he knew she wouldn't have stopped him. He would have torn what was left of her dress from her body, ripped off her knickers, had her right there on the kitchen floor.
Lupin put his head in his hands, hating himself. And now, what would he do? The line had been crossed. How could he go back? And if he told her he couldn't pursue her sexually, how would she take it?
He thought about what Sirius had said. For seventeen years Lupin had suppressed that part of himself, the sexual part of himself that, until the day Narcissa had left him, had been such an integral part of who he was. He had never been casual about sex.
He was not Sirius, whose dazzling looks and lazy charm had attracted girls like flies to honey. His sexual exploits at school had become the stuff of legend in their last few years at Hogwarts, and afterward Sirius had never felt any need or desire to settle down with one woman. James had also been more prolific than Lupin; James might have loved Lily madly from the age of fifteen, but he didn't save himself for her, either.
Lupin knew that his feelings on sex were based in part on his condition. As a young man, perpetually finding himself to be the unhandsome, undazzling, unremarkable best mate to two of the most popular young men around, part of him had believed he might never fall in love and experience that thing that every teenage boy obsessed about. That his being a werewolf precluded anyone so much as looking at him in that way.
Once he had found a girlfriend, had experienced love and sex, he found it to be so revelatory, so heavenly, that he began to believe that sex was something bordering on the miraculous. And for him, most of the time, it had been.
Until Narcissa left. Her leaving was so complete and had so devastated him that he promised himself never to so much as look at another woman again. He hadn't even allowed himself the release of masturbation in all those years. He'd put it out of mind completely, and it had worked. He had not felt those feelings, and he'd gone on with his life.
Half dead, he thought bitterly.
Lupin was afraid, not just of what his condition might mean down the road, how it might hurt Tonks. He was afraid to feel this way again. Afraid to know what pleasure felt like, what joy felt like. Afraid to be happy. Because he knew he could lose that happiness.
He closed his eyes, ran a hand through his hair. He was exhausted. He had to speak with Tonks. He had no idea what to do. He wanted her so badly but then his mind traveled to what had happened to her tonight, how a Muggle had attacked her, injured her, nearly raped her. He thought about the war that was coming. About all those who had died the last time. And realized that being with Tonks also meant accepting that he might lose her.
You can't do this, he told himself. If she's lost because of the war, you can deal with it. But if she's lost because of you, because of what you are, you'll never be able to live with it. With yourself. You could forget to take the potion someday. It might stop working. You have to step away.
He rose from the bed and was just about to cross the room when a knock sounded on his door. He swallowed and knew at once it had to be her.
"Come in," he said softly.
"Hi," she said softly, as she slipped into his room and closed the door behind her.
"Hello," he said, his voice feeling strangled. She had changed out of her torn dress, was wearing a grey tanktop and pajama pants. Her feet were bare. She had combed her hair, but had not bothered to use magic to erase the cuts and bruising on her face, her arms.
"I was just--about what happened--" she began.
"Tonks--"
"Remus, I--I'm sorry," she said, looking at the floor. "I shouldn't have-- thrown myself at you like that. After you told me you couldn't--that you wouldn't--anyway, I shouldn't have done that."
Lupin stood up and crossed the room to her, put his hands gently on her shoulders.
"You weren't exactly acting alone," he said. "I didn't push you away."
She looked up at him, tears in her eyes.
"I care about you," she said softly. "I do. But--but I want you, too. So much. Since the day we met."
Her words pierced him; she couldn't know how it felt to hear something like this, after so many years of telling himself he couldn't be with a woman, that he wasn't good enough, that his condition made him a freak.
"I was being selfish," she said. "You told me you didn't want to but I pushed it. I suppose it was lucky Sirius walked in. You might have--done something you'd regret."
"You wouldn't have stopped me, would you?" Lupin asked.
She said nothing, looked at the floor, but she shook her head 'no'. A single tear dripped down her cheek and fell from her chin.
"I wouldn't have stopped," he said softly. "Tonks, you can't know. What it's like for me. I've shut that part of myself out for so long. I buried it. And over the years I took for granted that I might ever feel that way again."
"What way?"
"Alive," said Lupin. "Alive and--and whole. Like a man."
"You--you really haven't--with anyone--"
"Not in seventeen years," he said, suddenly feeling, for reasons he didn't totally understand, very ashamed. He let go of her shoulders and sat down heavily on his bed.
"Wow," Tonks whispered, sitting next to him. "That's--a long time."
"I'll say," said Lupin bitterly.
"Maybe that's why you--you kissed me back," said Tonks. "I mean, if I were a bloke and a bird was throwing herself at me and I hadn't, you know--"
"That isn't the reason," said Lupin firmly, looking at her. "Well, not the whole reason. I admit that when one hasn't kissed a woman in nearly two decades one does tend to respond enthuastically when the opportunity presents itself."
She laughed. "You really are a Professor."
"I wouldn't have stopped, Tonks," said Lupin, putting a hand on her bruised cheek. "Can I wake up tomorrow and look at you and not remember what happened? I don't think I can. I think I'll fall asleep tonight wanting you, and wake up wanting you."
"Really?"
"Really," said Lupin. "But we're back to my condition. It's a part of me, I can't--I can't change it. And the potion I take may stop working for me at some point. And I'd be dangerous--"
"I don't care," said Tonks. "Dammit, Remus. We're--we're in the middle of a war. The both of us might die tomorrow."
"Don't say that."
"It's true, isn't it?" said Tonks. "What are you afraid of? That you might be happy for five minutes? I don't give a shit about your condition, I think you're wonderful no matter what, I want you and you want me and we could actually be happy for a bit before the whole bloody world goes to hell round our ears! What is wrong with that?"
"That's a child's viewpoint," said Lupin, standing up.
She looked at him as though he'd slapped her.
"I'm not a child!" she said angrily, her voice shaking as she stood up.
"Then stop acting like one," Lupin said harshly.
"Oh, brilliant," said Tonks. "I'm the child, but you're the one who's running away. I'll tell you something, Remus. For a former Gryffindor you're acting like a bloody coward."
"Wanting to protect the people I care about is cowardly?" he asked, stung.
"We're at war, Remus!" said Tonks. "I'm an Auror. Sort of a dangerous job, you know? You can't protect me from everything!"
"I CAN protect you from me!" said Lupin. "Bloody hell, Tonks. Don't presume to lecture me about war. I've been there, I was there the first time. Half my friends died because of it, and I've as good a chance this time round to losing the rest of them, including you. But that's war. People die. People get hurt. I can accept it. What I cannot accept is knowing that I might be the cause of any pain for you."
She stared at him for a moment, her eyes stricken and furious.
"That's what it comes to, does it?" she said slowly. "It's all about you. You and your condition. You and your desperate need to push people away. Bugger them and how they might feel. Forget that you yourself are dead inside. But just as long as you don't have to deal with any GUILT--"
"That's totally unfair!" Lupin retorted.
"You think I don't know what it's like to lose people?" said Tonks, angry tears in her eyes. "Just because I haven't been to war? Just because I'm bloody 22 years old, you think I don't know what it feels like to lose someone? Having to bury someone you thought would be there forever? I do know, Remus. I know better than you think. I know what it's like to have pieces of yourself die. What it feels like to wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed, not want to face anything, to feel guilty for being alive while the other person's dead. You have the gall to talk to me about loss as though nobody else has ever felt it?"
"That's not what I said--" Lupin began, his mind reeling. She had taken the initiative in their row from him and was beating him into submission with her accusations.
"No, you just presume to dictate how things will go between you and me," Tonks snapped. "You stand there and tell me you care about me but you're too afraid to be with me. All this bullshit about protecting me? It's not about protecting me, it's about protecting you. From your own fear. From your own sense of guilt. From what it means to care about someone like that again. I'm standing here and I'm not afraid of what you are. Why are you afraid of me?"
"Please, Tonks, you don't understand--"
"No, I do understand, Remus," said Tonks, her voice turning sad. "I understand better than you know. I understand that you can't handle the idea that someone might care about you the way I do. I understand that you've taught yourself for some sick reason that you don't deserve it. I understand that you've developed quite a sense of martyrdom, which helps you justify pushing people away. I understand that you've underestimated me over and over again since the day we met."
Lupin stared at her, now at a loss for words. He felt as though he'd been raked over coals again and again, her words ripping into him like claws through paper. Even worse was the knowledge that every last thing she had just said was true.
"I feel sorry for you, Remus," she said sadly, walking toward the door, for once not stumbling on her own feet.
"Tonks," he said softly. "Don't go." He couldn't let her leave like this.
"I think I will," she said. "I'm very tired. Thanks for taking care of me downstairs, cleaning me up. You're a good friend, when you're not being a prat."
"Tonks--"
"Good night," she said firmly. She opened the door, walked through it, and closed it firmly behind him, leaving him alone in the dark, feeling perfectly wretched.
".there's always some food to be had round here."
Lupin and Tonks abruptly stopped kissing at the sound of the muffled voice behind the door.
"Don't remember shutting the door," said a gruff voice. Sirius.
The door clicked. Tonks leapt up off Lupin's lap and immediately stumbled into the chair she'd been sitting in. Lupin jumped up and caught her, then right himself.
"What the--" Sirius entered the kitchen. Followed by Emmeline Vance.
For a moment the four of them said nothing. Lupin was breathing heavily, his brain in a whirl, his mouth raw from kissing. Tonks was flushed, her chest rising and falling, her hair tangled. Sirius and Emmeline were wearing nightclothes.
"Well," said Sirius, his face breaking into a grin. "Good evening."
"Hi, Sirius," said Tonks, blushing furiously.
"Hello, Emmeline," said Lupin.
"Remus," she said.
Another moment of silence. Sirius then cleared his throat.
"Well, isn't this a bit awkward," he said wryly.
"Good lord, Nymphadora," said Emmeline suddenly, crossing the room gracefully. "What happened to you?"
Sirius followed and together he and Emmeline examined Tonks's cuts and bruises.
"Got mugged on the way home," said Tonks ruefully. "Muggle jumped on me. Got in a few good shots before I took him down. Remus was just, uh, cleaning me up."
"Was he?" said Sirius, turning slowly to Lupin and eyeing him shrewdly.
"Yeah," said Tonks.
"Yes," said Lupin.
"Right," said Sirius, smirking at Lupin. Lupin felt his face burn. Bastard, he thought.
"So, Emmeline, what are you doing here?" said Lupin pointedly.
Emmeline looked at Lupin coolly, her gaze austere and unruffled. "Sirius and I were having a discussion. We got hungry."
"Of course," said Lupin, smiling at her and then smirking at Sirius.
Another silence, this one longer than the last two.
"Well," said Tonks suddenly, her voice high and tight, "I'm feeling better. Thanks, Remus. I'll just take this chocolate and, uh, go upstairs and have a bath, I think."
"Are you sure you're all right, dear?" said Emmeline.
"Oh yeah, fine," said Tonks lightly, laughing nervously and glancing back at Lupin. "Shame about my dress, though. Cost me a bloody fortune. I'll have to see if my Mum can fix it, I'm useless when it comes to sewing spells and what. Anyway, good night."
She grabbed the remaining chocolate and her robes from the table. Her face had gone scarlet and she hurried out of the room, tripping just slightly on her robes.
Lupin watched her go, his mind still churning. Only a few moments ago they'd been on the floor, him sitting on his backside, her straddling him, kissing her frantically. Now he was alone in the kitchen with Sirius and Emmeline Vance. Lupin didn't even want to consider what Sirius and Emmeline might have been up to. He hadn't even been aware she'd stayed behind from the meeting.
"I'll just turn in," Lupin said quickly. Anything to escape the piercing gaze and smirk of Sirius.
"You do that," said Sirius. "We'll talk tomorrow."
"Oh, we certainly will," said Lupin, meeting his gaze. They held each other's eyes for a moment, and then Lupin nodded and strode out of the kitchen, thankful that his robes were hiding his still-present erection.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lupin shut the door firmly to his bedroom and began to pace. His erection had finally calmed down, and his brain was now fully awake. Too awake.
What the hell had he just done? All those weeks of telling himself he wouldn't, he couldn't, he shouldn't, and he had. A million voices were yelling at him in his mind.
This was Tonks's fault, he decided. Tonks, who had been flirting with him, teasing him, taking her clothes off in front of him, lifting her dress. She had started it tonight, hadn't she? She's the one who had taken his hand and put it on her breast, who had started kissing him.
You didn't push her away, did you? he thought. No, you participated quite enthusiastically.
Well, what else was I supposed to do?
Not kiss her, not fondle her like that. What would you have done if Sirius hadn't interrupted you?
I would have stopped.
No, you wouldn't have.
Lupin gave an exasperated sigh and sat down hard on his bed. He wouldn't have stopped. No sir, not at all. And he knew she wouldn't have stopped him. He would have torn what was left of her dress from her body, ripped off her knickers, had her right there on the kitchen floor.
Lupin put his head in his hands, hating himself. And now, what would he do? The line had been crossed. How could he go back? And if he told her he couldn't pursue her sexually, how would she take it?
He thought about what Sirius had said. For seventeen years Lupin had suppressed that part of himself, the sexual part of himself that, until the day Narcissa had left him, had been such an integral part of who he was. He had never been casual about sex.
He was not Sirius, whose dazzling looks and lazy charm had attracted girls like flies to honey. His sexual exploits at school had become the stuff of legend in their last few years at Hogwarts, and afterward Sirius had never felt any need or desire to settle down with one woman. James had also been more prolific than Lupin; James might have loved Lily madly from the age of fifteen, but he didn't save himself for her, either.
Lupin knew that his feelings on sex were based in part on his condition. As a young man, perpetually finding himself to be the unhandsome, undazzling, unremarkable best mate to two of the most popular young men around, part of him had believed he might never fall in love and experience that thing that every teenage boy obsessed about. That his being a werewolf precluded anyone so much as looking at him in that way.
Once he had found a girlfriend, had experienced love and sex, he found it to be so revelatory, so heavenly, that he began to believe that sex was something bordering on the miraculous. And for him, most of the time, it had been.
Until Narcissa left. Her leaving was so complete and had so devastated him that he promised himself never to so much as look at another woman again. He hadn't even allowed himself the release of masturbation in all those years. He'd put it out of mind completely, and it had worked. He had not felt those feelings, and he'd gone on with his life.
Half dead, he thought bitterly.
Lupin was afraid, not just of what his condition might mean down the road, how it might hurt Tonks. He was afraid to feel this way again. Afraid to know what pleasure felt like, what joy felt like. Afraid to be happy. Because he knew he could lose that happiness.
He closed his eyes, ran a hand through his hair. He was exhausted. He had to speak with Tonks. He had no idea what to do. He wanted her so badly but then his mind traveled to what had happened to her tonight, how a Muggle had attacked her, injured her, nearly raped her. He thought about the war that was coming. About all those who had died the last time. And realized that being with Tonks also meant accepting that he might lose her.
You can't do this, he told himself. If she's lost because of the war, you can deal with it. But if she's lost because of you, because of what you are, you'll never be able to live with it. With yourself. You could forget to take the potion someday. It might stop working. You have to step away.
He rose from the bed and was just about to cross the room when a knock sounded on his door. He swallowed and knew at once it had to be her.
"Come in," he said softly.
"Hi," she said softly, as she slipped into his room and closed the door behind her.
"Hello," he said, his voice feeling strangled. She had changed out of her torn dress, was wearing a grey tanktop and pajama pants. Her feet were bare. She had combed her hair, but had not bothered to use magic to erase the cuts and bruising on her face, her arms.
"I was just--about what happened--" she began.
"Tonks--"
"Remus, I--I'm sorry," she said, looking at the floor. "I shouldn't have-- thrown myself at you like that. After you told me you couldn't--that you wouldn't--anyway, I shouldn't have done that."
Lupin stood up and crossed the room to her, put his hands gently on her shoulders.
"You weren't exactly acting alone," he said. "I didn't push you away."
She looked up at him, tears in her eyes.
"I care about you," she said softly. "I do. But--but I want you, too. So much. Since the day we met."
Her words pierced him; she couldn't know how it felt to hear something like this, after so many years of telling himself he couldn't be with a woman, that he wasn't good enough, that his condition made him a freak.
"I was being selfish," she said. "You told me you didn't want to but I pushed it. I suppose it was lucky Sirius walked in. You might have--done something you'd regret."
"You wouldn't have stopped me, would you?" Lupin asked.
She said nothing, looked at the floor, but she shook her head 'no'. A single tear dripped down her cheek and fell from her chin.
"I wouldn't have stopped," he said softly. "Tonks, you can't know. What it's like for me. I've shut that part of myself out for so long. I buried it. And over the years I took for granted that I might ever feel that way again."
"What way?"
"Alive," said Lupin. "Alive and--and whole. Like a man."
"You--you really haven't--with anyone--"
"Not in seventeen years," he said, suddenly feeling, for reasons he didn't totally understand, very ashamed. He let go of her shoulders and sat down heavily on his bed.
"Wow," Tonks whispered, sitting next to him. "That's--a long time."
"I'll say," said Lupin bitterly.
"Maybe that's why you--you kissed me back," said Tonks. "I mean, if I were a bloke and a bird was throwing herself at me and I hadn't, you know--"
"That isn't the reason," said Lupin firmly, looking at her. "Well, not the whole reason. I admit that when one hasn't kissed a woman in nearly two decades one does tend to respond enthuastically when the opportunity presents itself."
She laughed. "You really are a Professor."
"I wouldn't have stopped, Tonks," said Lupin, putting a hand on her bruised cheek. "Can I wake up tomorrow and look at you and not remember what happened? I don't think I can. I think I'll fall asleep tonight wanting you, and wake up wanting you."
"Really?"
"Really," said Lupin. "But we're back to my condition. It's a part of me, I can't--I can't change it. And the potion I take may stop working for me at some point. And I'd be dangerous--"
"I don't care," said Tonks. "Dammit, Remus. We're--we're in the middle of a war. The both of us might die tomorrow."
"Don't say that."
"It's true, isn't it?" said Tonks. "What are you afraid of? That you might be happy for five minutes? I don't give a shit about your condition, I think you're wonderful no matter what, I want you and you want me and we could actually be happy for a bit before the whole bloody world goes to hell round our ears! What is wrong with that?"
"That's a child's viewpoint," said Lupin, standing up.
She looked at him as though he'd slapped her.
"I'm not a child!" she said angrily, her voice shaking as she stood up.
"Then stop acting like one," Lupin said harshly.
"Oh, brilliant," said Tonks. "I'm the child, but you're the one who's running away. I'll tell you something, Remus. For a former Gryffindor you're acting like a bloody coward."
"Wanting to protect the people I care about is cowardly?" he asked, stung.
"We're at war, Remus!" said Tonks. "I'm an Auror. Sort of a dangerous job, you know? You can't protect me from everything!"
"I CAN protect you from me!" said Lupin. "Bloody hell, Tonks. Don't presume to lecture me about war. I've been there, I was there the first time. Half my friends died because of it, and I've as good a chance this time round to losing the rest of them, including you. But that's war. People die. People get hurt. I can accept it. What I cannot accept is knowing that I might be the cause of any pain for you."
She stared at him for a moment, her eyes stricken and furious.
"That's what it comes to, does it?" she said slowly. "It's all about you. You and your condition. You and your desperate need to push people away. Bugger them and how they might feel. Forget that you yourself are dead inside. But just as long as you don't have to deal with any GUILT--"
"That's totally unfair!" Lupin retorted.
"You think I don't know what it's like to lose people?" said Tonks, angry tears in her eyes. "Just because I haven't been to war? Just because I'm bloody 22 years old, you think I don't know what it feels like to lose someone? Having to bury someone you thought would be there forever? I do know, Remus. I know better than you think. I know what it's like to have pieces of yourself die. What it feels like to wake up in the morning and not want to get out of bed, not want to face anything, to feel guilty for being alive while the other person's dead. You have the gall to talk to me about loss as though nobody else has ever felt it?"
"That's not what I said--" Lupin began, his mind reeling. She had taken the initiative in their row from him and was beating him into submission with her accusations.
"No, you just presume to dictate how things will go between you and me," Tonks snapped. "You stand there and tell me you care about me but you're too afraid to be with me. All this bullshit about protecting me? It's not about protecting me, it's about protecting you. From your own fear. From your own sense of guilt. From what it means to care about someone like that again. I'm standing here and I'm not afraid of what you are. Why are you afraid of me?"
"Please, Tonks, you don't understand--"
"No, I do understand, Remus," said Tonks, her voice turning sad. "I understand better than you know. I understand that you can't handle the idea that someone might care about you the way I do. I understand that you've taught yourself for some sick reason that you don't deserve it. I understand that you've developed quite a sense of martyrdom, which helps you justify pushing people away. I understand that you've underestimated me over and over again since the day we met."
Lupin stared at her, now at a loss for words. He felt as though he'd been raked over coals again and again, her words ripping into him like claws through paper. Even worse was the knowledge that every last thing she had just said was true.
"I feel sorry for you, Remus," she said sadly, walking toward the door, for once not stumbling on her own feet.
"Tonks," he said softly. "Don't go." He couldn't let her leave like this.
"I think I will," she said. "I'm very tired. Thanks for taking care of me downstairs, cleaning me up. You're a good friend, when you're not being a prat."
"Tonks--"
"Good night," she said firmly. She opened the door, walked through it, and closed it firmly behind him, leaving him alone in the dark, feeling perfectly wretched.