This was sort of a rough idea I had that got written after I read The
Lark's "Vendredi Bizarre," and felt inspired. I recommend Lark's story to
any Les Mis fan, and hope he'll / she'll forgive this sonewhat non-
intentional yet blatant copyright infringement.
Phreaky Phriday
Scene : About a month after she married Raoul, Christine begins to feel a little guilty about leaving Erik and so decides to invite him over for tea one afternoon.
Erik : (To Christine) "... And then after working with the deaf African children in the Congo I took up golf and started working on that 5,000- piece jigsaw puzzle Nadir gave me for Christmas." (Sips tea) "So what have you been doing this past month?"
Christine : (Dumbfounded) "Well, I -" (Raoul enters after a long, hard day of Vicomting.)
Raoul : "Honey, I'm home!" (Hangs up his hat and coat) *whew* "What a day! I tell ya, it's tough being a Vicomte. I need some lovin'! Christine, I -" (Walks into the parlor and sees Christine and Erik) "Gasp! Christine! What's going on here?"
Christine : (Nervously) "Raoul! Uh, now don't get upset! This isn't what it looks like!"
Raoul : (Confused) "You mean you're not sitting here in the parlor having tea and crumpets with the man who had an unhealthy obsession with you and tried to kill me?" (A pause)
Christine : (Slowly) "Okay ... so this is what it looks like."
Raoul : *Gasp* "I knew it! You're cheating on me, aren't you!? You hussy!"
Christine : (Becoming angry) "Now wait just a minute, there! At least let me explain!"
Raoul : "What is it about him that's so appealing to you? His darkly seductive nature? The hypnotic voice? His hideous deformities?" (Buries his face in his hands) "It's not fair! Why, oh why was I cursed with these boyish good looks and this charming smile!?"
Erik : (Incredulous) "Fair!? You want to talk about what's fair? I'll tell you what's fair : How about having to grow up with a mother who resents your very existence? Or having to wear a mask your whole life because you're so incredibly ugly? How about being a 50 - year old VIRGIN for Heaven's sake!!?"
Christine : "I think you both are reading way too much into this ..."
Raoul : (To Erik) "Oh, quit pretending like you've got it so hard! You're livin' the easy life!"
Erik : *Bursts into uncontrollable fits of laughter* "BWAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHHEEEEHEEEHEEEHAHAHAHAhehehohohahaheh ... heh ..." *wipes away tear* "Would you mind explaining to me how you arrived at that conclusion, because I don't seem to be following your logic."
Raoul : "It's very simple. For one thing, you're a genius."
Erik : "This is true ..."
Raoul : "You are also a brilliant composer / musician. AND you can sing, AND you designed a freakin' opera house, which you now have managed to bring under your complete and absolute control, AND you know how to hypnotize Christine and make her do things for you."
Christine : "He does not!"
Erik : *Snaps fingers* "Platypus."
Christine : (Eyes glazing over) "Erik is the sexiest, most handsome, intelligent man alive. I will be his slave until the day I die ..." (Repeats this over and over)
Raoul : "Plus, you met Elvis. Need I say more ...?"
Erik : "Perhaps you're forgetting the little matter of my face."
Raoul : "Yeah ... and ...?"
Erik : "And how it's kind of, what's the word I'm looking for ... FRIGHTENINGLY, HIDEOUSLY, UGLY!!?"
Raoul : "But at least you have a mask."
Erik : "Do you even know how uncomfortable these things are? Not to mention expensive. I don't even want to talk about the insurance coverage."
Raoul : "Yeah, well ... uh ..."
Erik : "And as long as we're on the subject of whose life is harder, we might as well revisit my incredibly painful childhood that now has me paying over 500 bucks a month in therapy bills and prescription medications!" (Scoffs) "I'm sorry, Chagny, but when it comes to the Worst Life Ever Award, I think I get the trophy, hands down."
Raoul : (Sarcastically) "Oh yeah, like it's SO EASY being a Vicomte! Obviously you've never stopped to think about all the disadvantages."
Erik : "Such as ..."
Raoul : "People are constantly hitting you up for money. It's so annoying! I mean, just because I dress like the Prince of Wales doesn't mean I share his monthly income!"
Erik : "I see."
Raoul : "AND I'm always having to do some charity work so I don't look like a heartless snob. And then there's the women ..."
Erik : "Do tell."
Raoul : "What a pain! I can't go anywhere without having some ditzy girl pass out at my feet or "accidentally" spill her drink on me. They're like locusts."
Erik : "Yes, I can see how being surrounded by beautiful women 24/7 can get on one's nerves ..." *ahem*
Raoul : "And when I DID find me a nice girl, I find out she's got some insane, jealous madman for a suitor who lives in a basement and calls himself a ghost while killing people who get in his way! And THEN, as if that wasn't enough, he has the nerve to go and kidnap her right when we were going to elope, so, of course, I have to go down and rescue her or else be branded a coward for the rest of my life, only to be lured into a death trap!"
Erik : "Hey, I'm sorry buddy boy, you walked right into that one. You shoulda seen it coming."
Raoul : "You see? People expect you to be real smart, too! What happens when you're not?"
Erik : (To himself) "I shouldn't ... It's too easy."
Raoul : (Flops down on the couch) "Dang, it's tough being me!"
Erik : "I don't believe it! You are SO self-absorbed!"
Raoul : "Me!? What about you? All I ever heard from Christine was, 'Poor Erik -This,' and 'Poor Erik - That!' Didn't you ever talk about anything but yourself?"
Erik : "Look who's talking! If I ever heard anything non-self-promoting come out of your mouth, I think I'd die of shock! You're the only person I know who could give Carlotta a run for her money."
Raoul : (Prancing around the room, imitating Erik) "Ooh, look at me! I'm a brilliant, masked murderer who sits around all day feeling sorry for himself and dresses like a Goth Poser! I don't even have the guts to sign a note with my real name! Pity me! Pity me!"
Erik : (Also prancing and imitating) "I'm a sissy, idiot pretty-boy who can't carry a tune and wouldn't even remember to breathe if it weren't for Post-It Notes!!"
Christine : (Still trance-like) "Erik is the sexiest, most handsome, intelligent man alive. I will be his slave until the day I die ..."
Raoul : (To Christine) "You stay out of this!"
Erik : (Smugly) "You just can't let her have her own opinion, can you Chagny?"
Raoul : (Enraged) "Arrrggghhh! That's it!" (Lunges for Erik, who steps aside, causing Raoul to crash into a potted plant.) "Ow ..." (Erik then whips out the Punjab lasso and begins chasing Raoul around the room before finally catching him around the neck and stringing him up.)
Erik : "Ha! Watcha gonna do now, huh Vicomte? Christine can't save your little rich behind now!" (Laughs an evil, Erik laugh) "Say goodbye, Chagny!"
Raoul : (Gasping for air) "Goodbye ... Chagny ..." (Just as Erik prepares to finish him off, there is a blinding flash of light which fills the entire room. )
*gasp* The tension mounts! Will Erik finally kill Raoul? Well, seeing as how that wasn't really the plot from the get-go, I wouldn't get my hopes up, Vicomte-Haters. But read on anyway!
Phreaky Phriday
Scene : About a month after she married Raoul, Christine begins to feel a little guilty about leaving Erik and so decides to invite him over for tea one afternoon.
Erik : (To Christine) "... And then after working with the deaf African children in the Congo I took up golf and started working on that 5,000- piece jigsaw puzzle Nadir gave me for Christmas." (Sips tea) "So what have you been doing this past month?"
Christine : (Dumbfounded) "Well, I -" (Raoul enters after a long, hard day of Vicomting.)
Raoul : "Honey, I'm home!" (Hangs up his hat and coat) *whew* "What a day! I tell ya, it's tough being a Vicomte. I need some lovin'! Christine, I -" (Walks into the parlor and sees Christine and Erik) "Gasp! Christine! What's going on here?"
Christine : (Nervously) "Raoul! Uh, now don't get upset! This isn't what it looks like!"
Raoul : (Confused) "You mean you're not sitting here in the parlor having tea and crumpets with the man who had an unhealthy obsession with you and tried to kill me?" (A pause)
Christine : (Slowly) "Okay ... so this is what it looks like."
Raoul : *Gasp* "I knew it! You're cheating on me, aren't you!? You hussy!"
Christine : (Becoming angry) "Now wait just a minute, there! At least let me explain!"
Raoul : "What is it about him that's so appealing to you? His darkly seductive nature? The hypnotic voice? His hideous deformities?" (Buries his face in his hands) "It's not fair! Why, oh why was I cursed with these boyish good looks and this charming smile!?"
Erik : (Incredulous) "Fair!? You want to talk about what's fair? I'll tell you what's fair : How about having to grow up with a mother who resents your very existence? Or having to wear a mask your whole life because you're so incredibly ugly? How about being a 50 - year old VIRGIN for Heaven's sake!!?"
Christine : "I think you both are reading way too much into this ..."
Raoul : (To Erik) "Oh, quit pretending like you've got it so hard! You're livin' the easy life!"
Erik : *Bursts into uncontrollable fits of laughter* "BWAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHHEEEEHEEEHEEEHAHAHAHAhehehohohahaheh ... heh ..." *wipes away tear* "Would you mind explaining to me how you arrived at that conclusion, because I don't seem to be following your logic."
Raoul : "It's very simple. For one thing, you're a genius."
Erik : "This is true ..."
Raoul : "You are also a brilliant composer / musician. AND you can sing, AND you designed a freakin' opera house, which you now have managed to bring under your complete and absolute control, AND you know how to hypnotize Christine and make her do things for you."
Christine : "He does not!"
Erik : *Snaps fingers* "Platypus."
Christine : (Eyes glazing over) "Erik is the sexiest, most handsome, intelligent man alive. I will be his slave until the day I die ..." (Repeats this over and over)
Raoul : "Plus, you met Elvis. Need I say more ...?"
Erik : "Perhaps you're forgetting the little matter of my face."
Raoul : "Yeah ... and ...?"
Erik : "And how it's kind of, what's the word I'm looking for ... FRIGHTENINGLY, HIDEOUSLY, UGLY!!?"
Raoul : "But at least you have a mask."
Erik : "Do you even know how uncomfortable these things are? Not to mention expensive. I don't even want to talk about the insurance coverage."
Raoul : "Yeah, well ... uh ..."
Erik : "And as long as we're on the subject of whose life is harder, we might as well revisit my incredibly painful childhood that now has me paying over 500 bucks a month in therapy bills and prescription medications!" (Scoffs) "I'm sorry, Chagny, but when it comes to the Worst Life Ever Award, I think I get the trophy, hands down."
Raoul : (Sarcastically) "Oh yeah, like it's SO EASY being a Vicomte! Obviously you've never stopped to think about all the disadvantages."
Erik : "Such as ..."
Raoul : "People are constantly hitting you up for money. It's so annoying! I mean, just because I dress like the Prince of Wales doesn't mean I share his monthly income!"
Erik : "I see."
Raoul : "AND I'm always having to do some charity work so I don't look like a heartless snob. And then there's the women ..."
Erik : "Do tell."
Raoul : "What a pain! I can't go anywhere without having some ditzy girl pass out at my feet or "accidentally" spill her drink on me. They're like locusts."
Erik : "Yes, I can see how being surrounded by beautiful women 24/7 can get on one's nerves ..." *ahem*
Raoul : "And when I DID find me a nice girl, I find out she's got some insane, jealous madman for a suitor who lives in a basement and calls himself a ghost while killing people who get in his way! And THEN, as if that wasn't enough, he has the nerve to go and kidnap her right when we were going to elope, so, of course, I have to go down and rescue her or else be branded a coward for the rest of my life, only to be lured into a death trap!"
Erik : "Hey, I'm sorry buddy boy, you walked right into that one. You shoulda seen it coming."
Raoul : "You see? People expect you to be real smart, too! What happens when you're not?"
Erik : (To himself) "I shouldn't ... It's too easy."
Raoul : (Flops down on the couch) "Dang, it's tough being me!"
Erik : "I don't believe it! You are SO self-absorbed!"
Raoul : "Me!? What about you? All I ever heard from Christine was, 'Poor Erik -This,' and 'Poor Erik - That!' Didn't you ever talk about anything but yourself?"
Erik : "Look who's talking! If I ever heard anything non-self-promoting come out of your mouth, I think I'd die of shock! You're the only person I know who could give Carlotta a run for her money."
Raoul : (Prancing around the room, imitating Erik) "Ooh, look at me! I'm a brilliant, masked murderer who sits around all day feeling sorry for himself and dresses like a Goth Poser! I don't even have the guts to sign a note with my real name! Pity me! Pity me!"
Erik : (Also prancing and imitating) "I'm a sissy, idiot pretty-boy who can't carry a tune and wouldn't even remember to breathe if it weren't for Post-It Notes!!"
Christine : (Still trance-like) "Erik is the sexiest, most handsome, intelligent man alive. I will be his slave until the day I die ..."
Raoul : (To Christine) "You stay out of this!"
Erik : (Smugly) "You just can't let her have her own opinion, can you Chagny?"
Raoul : (Enraged) "Arrrggghhh! That's it!" (Lunges for Erik, who steps aside, causing Raoul to crash into a potted plant.) "Ow ..." (Erik then whips out the Punjab lasso and begins chasing Raoul around the room before finally catching him around the neck and stringing him up.)
Erik : "Ha! Watcha gonna do now, huh Vicomte? Christine can't save your little rich behind now!" (Laughs an evil, Erik laugh) "Say goodbye, Chagny!"
Raoul : (Gasping for air) "Goodbye ... Chagny ..." (Just as Erik prepares to finish him off, there is a blinding flash of light which fills the entire room. )
*gasp* The tension mounts! Will Erik finally kill Raoul? Well, seeing as how that wasn't really the plot from the get-go, I wouldn't get my hopes up, Vicomte-Haters. But read on anyway!