Hiya. Sorry I've disappeared for such a long time. Life has been crazy and weird in school. Worse, my hard drive died, so any pending chapters are all gone. Fortunately I uploaded what completed material I had for the Crouching Tiger site, so most of it is still intact. But the coming chapter to Taming a Tiger is gone. You will please be so kind as to wait three more weeks, by then the semester will be over and I'll have time to reconstruct the chapter in my head. For now, I hope you like this one-shot. First attempt at an angst fic. There is also another version for the same song for Gundam Wing.
"Crawling", by Linkin Park. Spoiler for Jinchuu arc.
"Into the Vortex"
…………………………………..
Get away from me.
Here, in the village of the outcasts, I am one of them, just an outcast. I have been that for over ten years, have I not? A wanderer is just another name for an outcast. I have never had a real home in my life. Every time I tried to make a home for myself, the world collapses around me, and I find myself a wanderer, an outcast, once again.
I am not the man you seek. I am not the hero you are looking for. I am not who people think I am, I never was.
I am just a failure, twice over, ten times over, a hundred times over. A failure every time a human being falls before me, because of me. I am a failure every time I do not save the one I choose to save.
Like this time. Much like the first.
I tried my best to save her. I would have given up my life just to keep her safe from harm. No matter how much she tried to be brave, she still needed protection. But as I tried to keep her safe, as I tried to fight to protect her, I rushed into the dojo……….only to find…………I had failed, yet again……….to protect………the woman I loved.
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
Just let me sleep here, and dream my confused dreams, and relive my nightmares. At least, in sleep, I have the option to not have dreams at all, and just live in emptiness, easier to bear than the pain of reality. Even the nightmares are easier to accept and believe than the truth. It is better than seeing the world in front of me. A world that no longer holds a reason for me to live. One of my final answers to my many questions, has just been taken from me. There is no more reason to stay alive.
I just knelt there, for such a long time. I just kept calling her name. In many ways. Slowly, carefully, pleadingly. Praying that my calls might possibly change the truth. My brain refused to believe what my eyes saw before me.
Her eyes were open, blankly staring ahead. A trickle of blood fell from her beautiful lips. The long dark hair was matted around her emotionless round face. She wore her kendo uniform, a sign of her courage in the face of danger. But her courage was not enough to save her, from the long sword that pierced through her heart.
Why did I not come to her rescue sooner? I might have been able to save her! I did not want to see another woman die because of me again! And now, it has happened!
I do not want to go back to the world of the average person, I am afraid to go back. I am scared to going back, and making friends again, and meeting another woman who understands me……….only to lose her in the end. I am not going back.
There's something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self-control
I fear is never ending
Controlling, I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence
I am convinced
That it's too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
I have been strong for others for too long. Too many people have depended on me for their lives. But the one person who I wanted to depend on me, I have failed her. It has happened to me before; it took me more than ten years to live on beyond the pain. I needed to have her in my life to see the beauty of being what I am right now without remembering the past. But she is gone. I no longer want anyone to depend on me. They do not need me to save them. If I cannot even save myself from myself, who am I to save others? Go away. I want to sleep.
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
I hear familiar voices above me. Calling for me. They want me to join them, and kill the man responsible for killing her. What is the point of doing that? Even if I kill him, it will not bring her back. At least I would have avenged her death, they say? I do not want revenge. This revenge, is the reason why she is dead. My brother-in-law wanted revenge for the sister I killed. To create more revenge will continue the cycle, but will lead nowhere. Most importantly, it will not bring her back. So go away. Stop bothering my dreams of the good times with her, which remind me of the nightmare, which only worsens the pain.
I see the doctor again, as she ran past me, and confirmed with her educated eye what my heart refused to see. I saw my best friend pound the wall beside me, as he fought against the tears. The boy was still unconscious then; it was better that way. Other people came and went. Maybe I moved back to lean on a wall, I no longer remember. I just keep looking at her bloody face and blank eyes. I vaguely recall several people take her body away to another room, as they prepared it for mourning.
As evening fell, I knew I wanted to get away from there. From seeing her in death, from seeing others mourn for her and feel sorry for me. I walked aimlessly, all over town, as I tried to find sense where there was no sense. Finally, I found myself in the village of outcasts. I saw the people there all had the same expression on their faces I was sure I had: sadness, desperation, defeat. It was surely better to be lost among these people who had nothing else to lose but their lives. I found a quiet place for me to sit and contemplate the uselessness of my life. And here I have stayed, slowly waiting for the inevitable, when I would join the lost souls I had sent ahead to the afterlife with my sword.
Discomfort endlessly
Has pulled itself upon me
Distracting, reacting
Against my will
I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem
To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence
I am convinced
That it's too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure
Even the young man I considered my best friend, has deserted me. I think I heard him call me, a man who died while still alive. Probably. It is not far from the truth. As I said, what is the point in living if there is nothing left to live for? I promised myself once, as an answer to my questions, to live for those I see around me, to protect the present, and not to live in the past. But now that the past has caught up with me, there is no more present to protect, and those around me have left me, my answer is gone, and there is no more reason to keep asking questions that have no answers.
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
She is not coming back to me, and it is my fault. She is not even coming back in my dreams; I even wish that just once it would be her, not always she who has haunted my nights for the past fifteen years. There must be a reason why that is so, why she would not smile at me in my sleep and tell me everything is all right. Maybe it is because it is not all right, because she is angry that I did not come back to save her. But that it not possible; her heart had no place for hate.
But until I find out why, I will continue dreaming, and searching for her in my dreams. My beautiful landlady with the ponytail and the happy smile and the courage that even I sometimes lacked.
So I am saying once again.
Stop bothering me. No more. Life has been good to me, but not enough. I want no more from life.
Let me sleep.
………………………
Sorry about the overall tone. Sorry it is short. I just needed to let out on school insanity. Thanks for bearing with me.