Phreaky Phriday
(Scene : Erik, bored with hypnotizing Christine, has decided to resume their afternoon tea in an attempt to fill the absent Vicomte's shoes. Only better.)
Erik : "So, uh, what did you do today, darling?"
Christine : (Thinks) "Well ... I found a dust bunny."
Erik : *blinks* "You what?"
Christine : (Proudly) "I found a dust bunny. I was looking for my shoe under the divan this morning and there he was! So cute and all alone ... So I picked him up and named him George." (Pauses to sip some tea) "I was going to name him Erik, but then I thought that the name might spark some strange psychological rivalry between you two, so I decided best to let sleeping dogs lie and call him George."
Erik : "Um, dearest, you do know that dust bunnies are not actual rabbits, but rather small collections of dust and dirt particles."
Christine : (Looks thoughtful and a little surprised) "Really! Maybe that's why the chamber maid had a conniption fit and swept him out the door when I brought him up to our room." (sighs) "I loose more dust bunnies that way." (A pause)
Erik : "Er, uh ..." (Pushes his teacup away uncomfortably) "What should we do now, my dear? Shall I read to you from one of our favorite books?" (Stands and scans the library in he parlor) "What an impressive collection he ... um, we have." *ahem*
Christine : "Oh, Raoul, you're too much sometimes! You can't read any of those! The words are too small, and besides, there are hardly any pictures. It's all philosophy and science anyway; nothing really interesting."
Erik : (Sputtering) "But ... But I -"
Christine : "Besides. It's friday evening, and we always go for our stroll in the park on friday evenings." (Erik glances longingly at the bookshelf, then at Christine, then back at the books)
Erik : (Muttering to himself) "I hate for anyone to think I'm an illiterate fop. Especially Christine ... But it would be a nice change to take her out in the daylight and not have people run away screaming ..."
Christine : (Smiling patiently) "Raoul, sweetie, we've been through this. It's okay for you to talk to your imaginary friends, as long as you know they're not really there."
Erik : (Confused) "Huh ...? I mean, uh, oh yes. Right. Shall we go then, darling?" (Christine smiles and takes his hand. They leave)
(3 Hours later ...)
Christine : "What a lovely evening this was, Raoul! Thank you for taking me out to dinner. I can't remember the last time we were alone together ... Oh wait, yes I can. It was last evening at dinner!" (Giggles) "Silly me."
Erik : (A little perturbed by her obvious blonde-ness) "Um, yes ... heh ... heh ..."
Christine : "Anyway, it's all been just delightful, but I'm so very tired. I think it's time I went to bed."
Erik : "Yes!" (Does a little happy dance, completely out of character, then follows Christine up the stairs. They stop outside a door.)
Christine : "Well, goodnight Raoul."
Erik : (Slightly confused) "Um, are we sleeping in the hallway tonight?"
Christine : (More giggling) "Of course not, don't be ridiculous! You're sleeping in your room, and I'm sleeping in mine. Why would any of that change?"
Erik : (Disbelieving) "Wait, wait, wait just a minute there ... What did you say?"
Christine : (Giggles again) "Of course not, don't be ridiculous! You're sleeping in -"
Erik : (Cutting in) "No, not that part. The other part. About my room and your room."
Christine : "What about it?"
Erik : "You were referring 'our room' merely in a separate possesive sense, right ...?"
Christine : (Tsks her tongue) "I really have no idea what you're talking about, Raoul. I meant what I said; this is my room, right here, where I intend to sleep tonight, and that is your room right over there. I don't see what's so hard about all this."
Erik : (Incredulous) "We don't sleep in the same room ...?"
Christine : "I don't understand why you sound so surprised! It's not like this is anything new."
Erik : (Almost shouting) "We don't sleep in the same room!?!? What do you mean we don't sleep in the same room!? We're married, aren't we?"
Christine : "Well, yes, in the eyes of God and all that, but I always felt this was for the best, at least until we decide to have a family."
Erik : "WHY!? For the love of all things holy, WHY!?"
Christine : "Well why do you think, Casanova? I wasn't respected for my purity simply because I wore white all the time. I have a reputation to uphold. What do you think the neighbors would say if they knew we were ..." (Lowers her voice surruptitiously) "... sleeping together?"
Erik : "They'd probably say, 'There goes the Vicomte de Chagny and his WIFE, who are most likely sleeping in the same bedroom because that's what NORMAL, MARRIED PEOPLE IN OUR CULTURE TEND TO DO!!!"
Christine : "You don't have to shout. I'm standing right here."
Erik : "So let me get this straight : You and I, even though we've been happily married for a substantial amount of time, do not sleep in the same room simply because you're afraid of 'ruining your reputation?' If it bothers you that much, why'd you even get married?"
Christine : "Silly dear. Because I love you and want to share my life with you."
Erik : "Just not a pillow."
Christine : "I'm so glad you understand!" (Kisses his cheek) "Goodnight, Raoul." (She opens the door and disappears, leaving him standing, shocked and alone in the hallway)
Erik : "Bu ... But I ... I was so close ... So close ..." (The chambermaid passes by. He turns to her, desperately) "I was gonna score!!"
Chambermaid : "No you weren't."
Erik : "Oh wasn't I?" (Reaches for his Punjab lasso, then remembers who he is and sighs) "I think I'm going to cry ..." (Inhales deeply and stalks rigidly down the hall to his room, slamming the door behind him) "Damn! I don't remember Christine being like this! She's so ditzy and innocent and ... and ... oblivious! It's like I'm talking to a Care Bear! Everything she says is nothing but marshmallow fluff! I had no idea she and the fop weren't sharing a room ... Not that I wanted them to in the first place ..." (Brightens) "Which means, technically, I haven't lost yet! And I might still have a chance to win her back!" (Rubs his fingers together and grins, a la "Mr. Burns") "Excellent ..." (Dashes to the closet and begins rummaging through Raoul's clothes) "Marriage vows can always be broken, but if I know anything about the Facts of Life it's that once you - What is all this junk!? Doesn't he own ANYTHING black? Crushed velvet robes, satin shirts, a FEZZ?" (A pause) "Aha! Here we go!" (Emerges, wearing dark purple, silk pajamas and slippers. He throws on a matching robe, slicks his hair back, and studies himself in the full-length mirror) "I never thought I'd say this, but it's good to be me. With my dark and seductive nature and the Vicomte's good lucks, she'll be mine before you can say, 'Don Juan Triumphant!'" (Twirls his robe around him, as though it were a cape, and laughs appropriately, before leaping out of the window onto the balcony and running across the roof to Christine's window. He pushes it open and silently glides in, knocking over a vase in the process)
Vase : *smash*
Erik : "Damn!"
Christine : (Rubbing her eyes, sleepily) "Huh ...? Who's there ...?"
Erik : "Uh ... um ..." (Thinks fast) "No one, Christine. Go back to sleep. I will sing you a lullaby." (Inhales and prepares to soothe his love with some haunting melody, but instead makes a noise that resembles a baby duck. Startled, he pauses a moment before clearing his throat and trying once again to make music.) "Ahhhhh ..." (His voice falters as he struggles to find the right pitch. Think : Lucille Ball) "Ahhhhoooohhhhhuuuuhhhhheeeeehhhhhggaaaahh!" (Whispering to himself) "What's wrong with me!? This doesn't sound like my voice at all! It's like I ... have ... someone else's ... voice ..." (It dawns on him) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Christine : (Sitting up and lighting a candle) "Raoul!? For goodness's sakes, what are you doing in here? You're going to wake up the entire neighborhood!"
Erik : (Yelling to no one in particular) "YOU CHANGE US BACK RIGHT NOW, FAIRY LADY!! YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE HOW STUNNINGLY HANDSOME I AM, I CAN'T EXIST AS A HUMAN BEING WITHOUT MY HEAVENLY VOICE!!"
Christine : "Oh, how nice! You're finally wearing the purple silk pajamas I bought for you! How do they fit?"
Erik : "Wha - huh? Purple?" (Looks down at them) "What are you talking about? These are black!"
Christine : "No dear, I'm quite certain they're dark purple. I remember the salesman commenting on what a statement a man could make in purple silk pajamas!"
Erik : "I can only imagine what that statement might be ..."
Christine : "They do look cute!"
Erik : "Cute? Cute!? I'm a tone-deaf Ken doll in dark purple silk pajamas with a fezz in his closet and his wife in a separate bedroom, and I'm CUTE!! Well, great! That's just great! Those are exactly the words I long to hear from the woman I've desired on so many levels for an excruciatingly long period of time until I thought I was going to explode from the pain of unrequited love :" (Exentuates each word by jumping up and down on the bed) "DARLING, YOU LOOK CUTE!! Well that does it!" (Heads towards the door)
Christine : "Where are you going?"
Erik : "The liquor cabinet. No human in their right mind could go through what I've just experienced without the assistance of a good, stiff drink."
Christine : *shrugs* "'K, then. G'night." (Passes out and immedietely begins snoring loudly. Erik grumbles a string of profanities under his breath before stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind him.)
(Scene 2 : The next morning ...)
(Erik is passed out on a couch in one of the many rooms somwhere, surrounded by a variety of bottles and shot glasses. Just then, Christine enters looking bright eyed and bushy tailed)
Christine : (Opening the curtains so the sunlight streams in and hits Erik square in the eye) "Good morning, sleepy head! Time to wake up!"
Erik : *Unintelligible grunting*
Christine : "That's the spirit! C'mon, up and at 'em! You'll be late for work!"
Erik : (Trying to stop the room from spinning) "Work? What're you talking about? The Vicomte doesn't work."
Christine : "Honey, Dr. Marvin told you to stop referring to yourself in the third person. It's just confusing. And yes, of couse you work! What do you mean, what am I talking about?"
Erik : "What does he ... I mean, What do I do?"
Christine : (Putting a hand on his forehead, sympathetically) "Oh dear, you must have really had a lot to drink last night." (Shakes her head) "Don't worry, darling, a little orange juice and some castor oil will get your memory jogging in no time! C'mon, off to the kitchen with you!"
Erik : (Confused) "Bu - But I ..." (Christine takes him by the hand and shoves him out into the hallway.)
Christine : (Walking towards the window) "Raoul sure has been behaving strangely lately ... I wonder what could be -" (Something catches her eye on the windowsill) "Ooohh! A dust bunny ...!"
More to come ...
(Scene : Erik, bored with hypnotizing Christine, has decided to resume their afternoon tea in an attempt to fill the absent Vicomte's shoes. Only better.)
Erik : "So, uh, what did you do today, darling?"
Christine : (Thinks) "Well ... I found a dust bunny."
Erik : *blinks* "You what?"
Christine : (Proudly) "I found a dust bunny. I was looking for my shoe under the divan this morning and there he was! So cute and all alone ... So I picked him up and named him George." (Pauses to sip some tea) "I was going to name him Erik, but then I thought that the name might spark some strange psychological rivalry between you two, so I decided best to let sleeping dogs lie and call him George."
Erik : "Um, dearest, you do know that dust bunnies are not actual rabbits, but rather small collections of dust and dirt particles."
Christine : (Looks thoughtful and a little surprised) "Really! Maybe that's why the chamber maid had a conniption fit and swept him out the door when I brought him up to our room." (sighs) "I loose more dust bunnies that way." (A pause)
Erik : "Er, uh ..." (Pushes his teacup away uncomfortably) "What should we do now, my dear? Shall I read to you from one of our favorite books?" (Stands and scans the library in he parlor) "What an impressive collection he ... um, we have." *ahem*
Christine : "Oh, Raoul, you're too much sometimes! You can't read any of those! The words are too small, and besides, there are hardly any pictures. It's all philosophy and science anyway; nothing really interesting."
Erik : (Sputtering) "But ... But I -"
Christine : "Besides. It's friday evening, and we always go for our stroll in the park on friday evenings." (Erik glances longingly at the bookshelf, then at Christine, then back at the books)
Erik : (Muttering to himself) "I hate for anyone to think I'm an illiterate fop. Especially Christine ... But it would be a nice change to take her out in the daylight and not have people run away screaming ..."
Christine : (Smiling patiently) "Raoul, sweetie, we've been through this. It's okay for you to talk to your imaginary friends, as long as you know they're not really there."
Erik : (Confused) "Huh ...? I mean, uh, oh yes. Right. Shall we go then, darling?" (Christine smiles and takes his hand. They leave)
(3 Hours later ...)
Christine : "What a lovely evening this was, Raoul! Thank you for taking me out to dinner. I can't remember the last time we were alone together ... Oh wait, yes I can. It was last evening at dinner!" (Giggles) "Silly me."
Erik : (A little perturbed by her obvious blonde-ness) "Um, yes ... heh ... heh ..."
Christine : "Anyway, it's all been just delightful, but I'm so very tired. I think it's time I went to bed."
Erik : "Yes!" (Does a little happy dance, completely out of character, then follows Christine up the stairs. They stop outside a door.)
Christine : "Well, goodnight Raoul."
Erik : (Slightly confused) "Um, are we sleeping in the hallway tonight?"
Christine : (More giggling) "Of course not, don't be ridiculous! You're sleeping in your room, and I'm sleeping in mine. Why would any of that change?"
Erik : (Disbelieving) "Wait, wait, wait just a minute there ... What did you say?"
Christine : (Giggles again) "Of course not, don't be ridiculous! You're sleeping in -"
Erik : (Cutting in) "No, not that part. The other part. About my room and your room."
Christine : "What about it?"
Erik : "You were referring 'our room' merely in a separate possesive sense, right ...?"
Christine : (Tsks her tongue) "I really have no idea what you're talking about, Raoul. I meant what I said; this is my room, right here, where I intend to sleep tonight, and that is your room right over there. I don't see what's so hard about all this."
Erik : (Incredulous) "We don't sleep in the same room ...?"
Christine : "I don't understand why you sound so surprised! It's not like this is anything new."
Erik : (Almost shouting) "We don't sleep in the same room!?!? What do you mean we don't sleep in the same room!? We're married, aren't we?"
Christine : "Well, yes, in the eyes of God and all that, but I always felt this was for the best, at least until we decide to have a family."
Erik : "WHY!? For the love of all things holy, WHY!?"
Christine : "Well why do you think, Casanova? I wasn't respected for my purity simply because I wore white all the time. I have a reputation to uphold. What do you think the neighbors would say if they knew we were ..." (Lowers her voice surruptitiously) "... sleeping together?"
Erik : "They'd probably say, 'There goes the Vicomte de Chagny and his WIFE, who are most likely sleeping in the same bedroom because that's what NORMAL, MARRIED PEOPLE IN OUR CULTURE TEND TO DO!!!"
Christine : "You don't have to shout. I'm standing right here."
Erik : "So let me get this straight : You and I, even though we've been happily married for a substantial amount of time, do not sleep in the same room simply because you're afraid of 'ruining your reputation?' If it bothers you that much, why'd you even get married?"
Christine : "Silly dear. Because I love you and want to share my life with you."
Erik : "Just not a pillow."
Christine : "I'm so glad you understand!" (Kisses his cheek) "Goodnight, Raoul." (She opens the door and disappears, leaving him standing, shocked and alone in the hallway)
Erik : "Bu ... But I ... I was so close ... So close ..." (The chambermaid passes by. He turns to her, desperately) "I was gonna score!!"
Chambermaid : "No you weren't."
Erik : "Oh wasn't I?" (Reaches for his Punjab lasso, then remembers who he is and sighs) "I think I'm going to cry ..." (Inhales deeply and stalks rigidly down the hall to his room, slamming the door behind him) "Damn! I don't remember Christine being like this! She's so ditzy and innocent and ... and ... oblivious! It's like I'm talking to a Care Bear! Everything she says is nothing but marshmallow fluff! I had no idea she and the fop weren't sharing a room ... Not that I wanted them to in the first place ..." (Brightens) "Which means, technically, I haven't lost yet! And I might still have a chance to win her back!" (Rubs his fingers together and grins, a la "Mr. Burns") "Excellent ..." (Dashes to the closet and begins rummaging through Raoul's clothes) "Marriage vows can always be broken, but if I know anything about the Facts of Life it's that once you - What is all this junk!? Doesn't he own ANYTHING black? Crushed velvet robes, satin shirts, a FEZZ?" (A pause) "Aha! Here we go!" (Emerges, wearing dark purple, silk pajamas and slippers. He throws on a matching robe, slicks his hair back, and studies himself in the full-length mirror) "I never thought I'd say this, but it's good to be me. With my dark and seductive nature and the Vicomte's good lucks, she'll be mine before you can say, 'Don Juan Triumphant!'" (Twirls his robe around him, as though it were a cape, and laughs appropriately, before leaping out of the window onto the balcony and running across the roof to Christine's window. He pushes it open and silently glides in, knocking over a vase in the process)
Vase : *smash*
Erik : "Damn!"
Christine : (Rubbing her eyes, sleepily) "Huh ...? Who's there ...?"
Erik : "Uh ... um ..." (Thinks fast) "No one, Christine. Go back to sleep. I will sing you a lullaby." (Inhales and prepares to soothe his love with some haunting melody, but instead makes a noise that resembles a baby duck. Startled, he pauses a moment before clearing his throat and trying once again to make music.) "Ahhhhh ..." (His voice falters as he struggles to find the right pitch. Think : Lucille Ball) "Ahhhhoooohhhhhuuuuhhhhheeeeehhhhhggaaaahh!" (Whispering to himself) "What's wrong with me!? This doesn't sound like my voice at all! It's like I ... have ... someone else's ... voice ..." (It dawns on him) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Christine : (Sitting up and lighting a candle) "Raoul!? For goodness's sakes, what are you doing in here? You're going to wake up the entire neighborhood!"
Erik : (Yelling to no one in particular) "YOU CHANGE US BACK RIGHT NOW, FAIRY LADY!! YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T CARE HOW STUNNINGLY HANDSOME I AM, I CAN'T EXIST AS A HUMAN BEING WITHOUT MY HEAVENLY VOICE!!"
Christine : "Oh, how nice! You're finally wearing the purple silk pajamas I bought for you! How do they fit?"
Erik : "Wha - huh? Purple?" (Looks down at them) "What are you talking about? These are black!"
Christine : "No dear, I'm quite certain they're dark purple. I remember the salesman commenting on what a statement a man could make in purple silk pajamas!"
Erik : "I can only imagine what that statement might be ..."
Christine : "They do look cute!"
Erik : "Cute? Cute!? I'm a tone-deaf Ken doll in dark purple silk pajamas with a fezz in his closet and his wife in a separate bedroom, and I'm CUTE!! Well, great! That's just great! Those are exactly the words I long to hear from the woman I've desired on so many levels for an excruciatingly long period of time until I thought I was going to explode from the pain of unrequited love :" (Exentuates each word by jumping up and down on the bed) "DARLING, YOU LOOK CUTE!! Well that does it!" (Heads towards the door)
Christine : "Where are you going?"
Erik : "The liquor cabinet. No human in their right mind could go through what I've just experienced without the assistance of a good, stiff drink."
Christine : *shrugs* "'K, then. G'night." (Passes out and immedietely begins snoring loudly. Erik grumbles a string of profanities under his breath before stomping out of the room and slamming the door behind him.)
(Scene 2 : The next morning ...)
(Erik is passed out on a couch in one of the many rooms somwhere, surrounded by a variety of bottles and shot glasses. Just then, Christine enters looking bright eyed and bushy tailed)
Christine : (Opening the curtains so the sunlight streams in and hits Erik square in the eye) "Good morning, sleepy head! Time to wake up!"
Erik : *Unintelligible grunting*
Christine : "That's the spirit! C'mon, up and at 'em! You'll be late for work!"
Erik : (Trying to stop the room from spinning) "Work? What're you talking about? The Vicomte doesn't work."
Christine : "Honey, Dr. Marvin told you to stop referring to yourself in the third person. It's just confusing. And yes, of couse you work! What do you mean, what am I talking about?"
Erik : "What does he ... I mean, What do I do?"
Christine : (Putting a hand on his forehead, sympathetically) "Oh dear, you must have really had a lot to drink last night." (Shakes her head) "Don't worry, darling, a little orange juice and some castor oil will get your memory jogging in no time! C'mon, off to the kitchen with you!"
Erik : (Confused) "Bu - But I ..." (Christine takes him by the hand and shoves him out into the hallway.)
Christine : (Walking towards the window) "Raoul sure has been behaving strangely lately ... I wonder what could be -" (Something catches her eye on the windowsill) "Ooohh! A dust bunny ...!"
More to come ...