Phreaky Phriday
(Scene : After three cold showers, several forced doses of castor oil, and a refreshing glass of orange juice, Erik is sent to the Opera house by Christine to perform his daily duties as Vicomte / Patron)
Erik : (Standing in the lobby) "Well, at least now I can wander around up here without anyone fainting or calling the police or something." (Straightens up) "Finally! I can be the proper master this domain deserves! Daytime inhabitants of the Paris Opera : Prepare yourselves for the Real Erik!" (Struts into the auditorium, where rehearsals for the Opera's latest production are taking place)
New Lead Tenor : "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to ... uh ... line?"
Reyer : (Throwing libretto down on the ground) "Love!! Love! Love! Love! How many times do we have to tell you this, Francisco? It's really not that complicated!"
Andre : (Watching with Firmin from the house) "Whose idea was it to do 'Moulin Rouge,' anyway?"
Firmin : "Their's." (Gestures towards a group of Bohemians, who smile and wave at Andre and Firmin) "They said it would be great for business."
Giry : (Walking on from backstage) "Let's just move it ahead to the Dance of the Green Fairies."
Carlotta : (Also walking on) "What!? But you're skipping all my scenes!! Look, I've even got on my costume!" (Everyone stares at Carlotta sporting a rather revealing can-can dancer outfit. Think : A very large Liza Minelli in 'Cabaret.')
Giry : (Trying desparately not to be ill) "Yes, we're definitely skipping to the Dance of the Green Fairies. They may need some serious practice, but at least the ballet girls fit into their costumes."
Reyer : (Glancing backstage) "Well, sort of ..."
Ballet Girls' Voices : (From behind the curtain) "Pull it tighter! / That's as tight as it'll go, Jammes! / Man, they just don't make corsets like they used to / Who used all the pins!? / etc."
Erik : (Approaching the stage) "Um ..." *ahem*
Andre : (Turning to face him) "Ah! My dear Vicomte de Chagny! You're right on time! As you can see, we were just rehearsing for our next production." (The dance begins)
Erik : "Uh, what is this?"
Firmin : "'Moulin Rouge,' don't you remember? You thought it was a great idea the last time you were here."
Erik : "He did!? Uh ... I did? I mean ... I did! I did ... heh ... heh ..."
Andre : (Eyeing him strangely) "Yes, you did. Is there a problem, Monsieur?"
Erik : "Well ... no .... It's just that ... I've been thinking and ..." (Andre and Firmin burst into peals of laughter)
Andre : "Isn't that cute, Firmin? He's been thinking!"
Firmin : (Patting Erik, in a patronizing fashion) "It's getting easier for you, is it?"
Erik : (Becoming angry) "Yes, well ... What I meant was, I think perhaps it would be better if we did something a little more traditional than this."
Andre : "Really? What did you have in mind?"
Erik : "Well I've always been partial to 'Faust,' but there are, of course, many other -" (More laughter from Andre and Firmin)
Firmin : (Wiping away a tear) "Oh, my ... Isn't that funny! He's talking like he really knows something about 'Faust!'"
Andre : "How perfectly amusing! Imagine, Firmin; a patron who actually knows about opera!" (Another round of laughter. Erik, remembering that he still does not have his Punjab lasso, breathes deeply and slowly counts to ten before continuing)
Erik : "If you gentlemen would kindly stop all this nonsense and listen, I'm sure I could convince you that there are many other productions that would be much more appropriate for us to consider." (A brief pause.) "Uh, besides, I don't think the Opera Ghost would appreciate all this, and we certainly wouldn't want to upset him again!"
Firmin : "The Opera what?"
Erik : "The Opera Ghost! The Opera Ghost! You remember! That incredibly gifted and talented yet very short-tempered genuis who built this place and doesn't particularly like being disobeyed?"
Andre : "I don't think we ... Oh yes, yes! Now I know who you're talking about! That crazy guy who kept sending us junk mail and kidnapping our prima donnas! He was shouting at us this morning from the sound booth, remember Firmin? Don't forget to get him a bagel next time."
Firmin : "Oh, yes, we certainly remember him! Wonderful for business, he was. Can't thank him enough!"
Erik : "What're you talking about?"
Andre : "Ever since that whole incident with the chandelier and Christine Daae and all that, people have been flocking to our performances hoping that they might get a glimpse of him or fall victim to one of his practical jokes! We've been sold out for months!"
Firmin : "Have you been to the gift shop? We have some wonderful 'Opera Ghost merchandise' for sale."
Erik : "You what?"
Andre : "Go and see for yourself! The prices are virtually unbeatable." (Erik, in a panic, bolts from the room and runs to the main lobby. A sign on the wall reads, "Paris Opera Gift Shop ---." Upon his entry, he is greeted by shelf after shelf of Opera Ghost merchandise.)
Erik : (Wandering, in a daze, throughout the store) "T-shirts!?" (Picks one up and examines it) "'I survived a night at the Paris Opera!' What the -?" (More examining) "Mugs? Magnets? Keychains?" *Gasp* "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M A SELL-OUT!!"
Random Guy : "Step right up! Get your picture taken with a man who actually knew the infamous Opera Ghost! Only 10 francs a pop! C'mon, folks, get 'em while you still can! Hurry, hurry, hurry ...!"
The Persian : (Sitting on a chair, much like a mall Santa Claus) "Can I go yet? I used to have a life before all this."
Guy : "Shuddup and smile for the nice tourists!"
Little Kid : (To the Persian) "Did you really KNOW the Opera Ghost mister? Huh? Didja? Didjadidjadidjadidjadidja? Did he teach you how to KILL people?"
Persian : "Sometimes I wish he had ..."
Erik : *Gasp* (Races over to the Persian) "Nadir! What is all this?"
Persian : "Oh, hello Monsieur le Vicomte. How is your wife?"
Erik : "Abstinent."
Persian : "Mm, that's nice."
Erik : "Nad - I mean, um, Persian ... Man ... What is going on here?"
Persian : "Don't you remember? I was getting ready to leave after Eri - I mean, 'The Opera Ghost' supposedly vanished, but those two morons nabbed me and offered to pay me four times as much as I was making just wandering around the building looking mysterious! So I took it. I mean, hey, I'm no fool. At least now I can afford a real house, not like that cardboard box in the vacant lot two blocks from here my landlord had the nerve to call an apartment. And all I have to do is be cute for the tourists! I smile, I wave, answer a couple questions, sign a few autographs. It's like I'm Mel Gibson! Except he's not nearly as good looking as I am."
Erik : "I see ... Well, that's ... nice ..."
Persian : "You bet your patootie it's nice! Except for the occasional idiot tourist, I really don't have to put up with much."
Erik : "So you, uh, never thought to maybe check to see how the Opera Ghost is doing down there? I mean, I bet he was pretty lonely after I so heartlessly stole the only woman he's ever truly loved." *ahem*
Persian : "Hey, don't you start in on me, Junior. I got a lotta stuff going on above ground, I don't need anything else to deal with. It's not like before, when I could just pop in whenever I felt like it and offer the guy some unwanted advice, which he usually threw back in my face anyway. Why hang around down there and put my self-esteem , not to mention my life, on the line when I can be up here, where everyone loves me? I'll send him a sympathy card or something and bake him some brownies for the holidays, okay? Will that soothe your guilty conscience?"
Erik : (Grumbling) "He doesn't even like brownies."
Persian : "Now do me a favor and am-scray, will ya kid? It's time for my break."
Erik : "Uh, sure ..." (Walks back into the auditorium) "Man, I had no idea Nadir felt that way. Maybe I should have been nicer to him ..."
(Erik's thoughts are interrupted by a series of hysterical shrieks coming, of course, from Carlotta)
Uh-oh ...
(Scene : After three cold showers, several forced doses of castor oil, and a refreshing glass of orange juice, Erik is sent to the Opera house by Christine to perform his daily duties as Vicomte / Patron)
Erik : (Standing in the lobby) "Well, at least now I can wander around up here without anyone fainting or calling the police or something." (Straightens up) "Finally! I can be the proper master this domain deserves! Daytime inhabitants of the Paris Opera : Prepare yourselves for the Real Erik!" (Struts into the auditorium, where rehearsals for the Opera's latest production are taking place)
New Lead Tenor : "The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to ... uh ... line?"
Reyer : (Throwing libretto down on the ground) "Love!! Love! Love! Love! How many times do we have to tell you this, Francisco? It's really not that complicated!"
Andre : (Watching with Firmin from the house) "Whose idea was it to do 'Moulin Rouge,' anyway?"
Firmin : "Their's." (Gestures towards a group of Bohemians, who smile and wave at Andre and Firmin) "They said it would be great for business."
Giry : (Walking on from backstage) "Let's just move it ahead to the Dance of the Green Fairies."
Carlotta : (Also walking on) "What!? But you're skipping all my scenes!! Look, I've even got on my costume!" (Everyone stares at Carlotta sporting a rather revealing can-can dancer outfit. Think : A very large Liza Minelli in 'Cabaret.')
Giry : (Trying desparately not to be ill) "Yes, we're definitely skipping to the Dance of the Green Fairies. They may need some serious practice, but at least the ballet girls fit into their costumes."
Reyer : (Glancing backstage) "Well, sort of ..."
Ballet Girls' Voices : (From behind the curtain) "Pull it tighter! / That's as tight as it'll go, Jammes! / Man, they just don't make corsets like they used to / Who used all the pins!? / etc."
Erik : (Approaching the stage) "Um ..." *ahem*
Andre : (Turning to face him) "Ah! My dear Vicomte de Chagny! You're right on time! As you can see, we were just rehearsing for our next production." (The dance begins)
Erik : "Uh, what is this?"
Firmin : "'Moulin Rouge,' don't you remember? You thought it was a great idea the last time you were here."
Erik : "He did!? Uh ... I did? I mean ... I did! I did ... heh ... heh ..."
Andre : (Eyeing him strangely) "Yes, you did. Is there a problem, Monsieur?"
Erik : "Well ... no .... It's just that ... I've been thinking and ..." (Andre and Firmin burst into peals of laughter)
Andre : "Isn't that cute, Firmin? He's been thinking!"
Firmin : (Patting Erik, in a patronizing fashion) "It's getting easier for you, is it?"
Erik : (Becoming angry) "Yes, well ... What I meant was, I think perhaps it would be better if we did something a little more traditional than this."
Andre : "Really? What did you have in mind?"
Erik : "Well I've always been partial to 'Faust,' but there are, of course, many other -" (More laughter from Andre and Firmin)
Firmin : (Wiping away a tear) "Oh, my ... Isn't that funny! He's talking like he really knows something about 'Faust!'"
Andre : "How perfectly amusing! Imagine, Firmin; a patron who actually knows about opera!" (Another round of laughter. Erik, remembering that he still does not have his Punjab lasso, breathes deeply and slowly counts to ten before continuing)
Erik : "If you gentlemen would kindly stop all this nonsense and listen, I'm sure I could convince you that there are many other productions that would be much more appropriate for us to consider." (A brief pause.) "Uh, besides, I don't think the Opera Ghost would appreciate all this, and we certainly wouldn't want to upset him again!"
Firmin : "The Opera what?"
Erik : "The Opera Ghost! The Opera Ghost! You remember! That incredibly gifted and talented yet very short-tempered genuis who built this place and doesn't particularly like being disobeyed?"
Andre : "I don't think we ... Oh yes, yes! Now I know who you're talking about! That crazy guy who kept sending us junk mail and kidnapping our prima donnas! He was shouting at us this morning from the sound booth, remember Firmin? Don't forget to get him a bagel next time."
Firmin : "Oh, yes, we certainly remember him! Wonderful for business, he was. Can't thank him enough!"
Erik : "What're you talking about?"
Andre : "Ever since that whole incident with the chandelier and Christine Daae and all that, people have been flocking to our performances hoping that they might get a glimpse of him or fall victim to one of his practical jokes! We've been sold out for months!"
Firmin : "Have you been to the gift shop? We have some wonderful 'Opera Ghost merchandise' for sale."
Erik : "You what?"
Andre : "Go and see for yourself! The prices are virtually unbeatable." (Erik, in a panic, bolts from the room and runs to the main lobby. A sign on the wall reads, "Paris Opera Gift Shop ---." Upon his entry, he is greeted by shelf after shelf of Opera Ghost merchandise.)
Erik : (Wandering, in a daze, throughout the store) "T-shirts!?" (Picks one up and examines it) "'I survived a night at the Paris Opera!' What the -?" (More examining) "Mugs? Magnets? Keychains?" *Gasp* "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'M A SELL-OUT!!"
Random Guy : "Step right up! Get your picture taken with a man who actually knew the infamous Opera Ghost! Only 10 francs a pop! C'mon, folks, get 'em while you still can! Hurry, hurry, hurry ...!"
The Persian : (Sitting on a chair, much like a mall Santa Claus) "Can I go yet? I used to have a life before all this."
Guy : "Shuddup and smile for the nice tourists!"
Little Kid : (To the Persian) "Did you really KNOW the Opera Ghost mister? Huh? Didja? Didjadidjadidjadidjadidja? Did he teach you how to KILL people?"
Persian : "Sometimes I wish he had ..."
Erik : *Gasp* (Races over to the Persian) "Nadir! What is all this?"
Persian : "Oh, hello Monsieur le Vicomte. How is your wife?"
Erik : "Abstinent."
Persian : "Mm, that's nice."
Erik : "Nad - I mean, um, Persian ... Man ... What is going on here?"
Persian : "Don't you remember? I was getting ready to leave after Eri - I mean, 'The Opera Ghost' supposedly vanished, but those two morons nabbed me and offered to pay me four times as much as I was making just wandering around the building looking mysterious! So I took it. I mean, hey, I'm no fool. At least now I can afford a real house, not like that cardboard box in the vacant lot two blocks from here my landlord had the nerve to call an apartment. And all I have to do is be cute for the tourists! I smile, I wave, answer a couple questions, sign a few autographs. It's like I'm Mel Gibson! Except he's not nearly as good looking as I am."
Erik : "I see ... Well, that's ... nice ..."
Persian : "You bet your patootie it's nice! Except for the occasional idiot tourist, I really don't have to put up with much."
Erik : "So you, uh, never thought to maybe check to see how the Opera Ghost is doing down there? I mean, I bet he was pretty lonely after I so heartlessly stole the only woman he's ever truly loved." *ahem*
Persian : "Hey, don't you start in on me, Junior. I got a lotta stuff going on above ground, I don't need anything else to deal with. It's not like before, when I could just pop in whenever I felt like it and offer the guy some unwanted advice, which he usually threw back in my face anyway. Why hang around down there and put my self-esteem , not to mention my life, on the line when I can be up here, where everyone loves me? I'll send him a sympathy card or something and bake him some brownies for the holidays, okay? Will that soothe your guilty conscience?"
Erik : (Grumbling) "He doesn't even like brownies."
Persian : "Now do me a favor and am-scray, will ya kid? It's time for my break."
Erik : "Uh, sure ..." (Walks back into the auditorium) "Man, I had no idea Nadir felt that way. Maybe I should have been nicer to him ..."
(Erik's thoughts are interrupted by a series of hysterical shrieks coming, of course, from Carlotta)
Uh-oh ...